8 Comments

1. Hi, folks!

   Welcome to the

   2018 Hyperbole Hall of Fame!! !!!! !!!!!!! 1!111!!!!!!!

   (Sponsored by those in the media trying to put The Onion out of business)

   Actual news headline:

   Angry Mutant Green Crabs Are Destroying Everything in Their Path

   foxnews.com/science/2018/09/20/angry-mutant-green-crabs-are-destroying-everything-in-their-path

   For those of you who have not yet run out into the street, or committed suicide, the rest of the story:

   Angry green crabs from Nova Scotia, angrier than their already ornery green cousins in Maine, are migrating south.

   …

   “The green crab is most often confused with native helmet crabs or hairy shore crab,” the Dept. of Fish & Wildlife wrote on its website. “The most distinctive feature is not its color – which can vary from reddish to a dark mottled green – but the five spines or teeth on each side of the shell.”

   They don’t know the difference between spines and teeth? Hell, I’m not even a crabologist and I can tell the difference.

   And now for Logan’s Run:

   Louis Logan, a University of New England graduate student, had the unpleasant task of labeling the crabs captured from Nova Scotia waters for the research. The crabs were in no mood for games.

   At a distance of 5 feet, the pint-sized brutes assumed a fighting posture. Those that grabbed him were in no hurry to let go.

   “Any time I went down to grab one they went to grab me instead,” he wrote in an email.

   One of them, in particular, would jump out of the water in its frenzy to attack.

   …

   During the research, both sets of green crabs were unleashed on a bed of eel grass and the Canadian species destroyed it, with Frederich comparing the damage to that of Edward Scissorhands

   These are scientists? Couldn’t they at least have formulated it as “Edward Scissorhands x 3.14 squared”?

   Eventually, the newcomers will move farther southward. “We can’t do anything about it,” he said. “The only thing that we can do is learn how to live with it.”

   — he said, through smoke and film noir lighting, with an organ crescendo playing in the background.

   The Associated Press contributed to this report.

   Of course it did.

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2. What’s yellow, curved, and hardly ever rings?

   An unlisted banana.

   (Courtesy of the Dick Van Dyke Show)

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   • (SMACK)

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3. I abhor both Gagas.
   I was in Europe for a few weeks when Radio Gaga came out. I thought it was proof Europeans sucked.
   Then I got home and it was being played constantly here too.
   That was the only time I was embarrassed to be an American.
   And I’m a huge Queen fan. That song was proof that the 80s destroyed almost all music it got its coke-addled hands on.
   Heroin makes much better music. See: 60s, 70s and 90s.

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4. ♩
   He rode out Blasey’s “straddle”
   He was a SCOTUS star
   His code to offer battle
   To bad men near and far
   Encountered fear
   And encountered hate
   He turned our night into day
   He made his Blasey Straddle
   A torch to light the way

   When scofflaws ruled the West
   And fear filled the land
   A crowd went nuts, and a man with guts
   Would take the West in hand
   They needed a man
   Who was brave and true
   With justice for all as his aim
   Then out of the dump rode a man with Trump
   And Brett was his name,
   Yes Brett was his name
   ♩

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5. I have to admit – I was dragged to a Gaga concert by my wife and daughter. My tastes run more to prog-rock and heavy metal, but I was totally blown away by her show. One of the 5 best concerts I have attended. Didn’t see that coming at all.

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   • Similar story as Jeff’s except it was Neil Diamond.

     Quite a showman, and if you could’ve harnessed the energy in the room, you could’ve powered the Vegas Strip.

     I still don’t like his music all that much, but I have a lot more respect for the guy, now.

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     • https://youtu.be/1vhFnTjia_I

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