WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – In a landmark ruling whose results were unpredicted by even the savviest of legal pundits, the Supreme Court ruled in a highly controversial 5-4 decision that the Second Amendment should be construed so as to require gun ownership by every adult citizen of the United States.

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts outlined the surprising thought process behind this startling sledgehammer of jurisprudence.

“The Second Amendment,” said Roberts, “says that ‘a well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.’ Well, I think it’s pretty clearly implied here that, if Obamacare can force you to buy insurance, then militia membership – which is, Constitutionally, ‘necessary’ – can force you to buy a gun. It’s like getting vaccine inoculations: if everyone is immunized, then everyone is safe. But the more people don’t get shots, the more likely an outbreak of deadly disease. In the case of guns, that disease is criminals. If everyone has a gun, criminals get eradicated like smallpox. Also, if everyone is exercising their right, then by definition, no one’s right is being infringed. This is the only way to truly guarantee this particular constitutional protection for every citizen.”

Liberal Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg dissented, pointing out that Roberts’ faulty reasoning in the Obamacare case – even though she agreed with it at the time for political reasons – could not be used to do things to REDUCE the power and control of the federal government, before mumbling something about “my pancreas” and falling asleep.

President Trump showed his support for the ruling by issuing an executive order to make ammunition for all these newly-owned guns more affordable.

“By executive order,” said Trump “I’m making everybody’s first 5,000 rounds of ammo fully tax-deductible in every tax year. That’s over 10 rounds a day, every day, for a year, to practice with. Chamber that many rounds, and you should be a dead-eye shot capable of protecting yourself and your loved ones from criminals, rogue deer, and… well, me and my government minions, too, if I ever go off the rails. Or if America elects a Democrat in 2020. Liberty has never been easier. Or more affordable!”
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