is underscored by “Captain Crunch”, who currently impersonates a cereal magnate after he (Horatio Magellen Crunch) went on a “powered sugar binge” and was drummed out of the Navy for crashing into 13 vessels while attempting to dock his wife’s Ford Grenada station wagon. Most egregiously, he wears a commander’s uniform he stole from the set of Russel Crowe’s flop movie about the Royal Navy.
The story of Captain Crunch, a former Admiral. He deliberately disobeyed Fleet orders and, using a stolen French vessel, propelled himself and crew through the Bermuda Triangle forward to 20th Century San Francisco, all in search of the Great White Whale.
a lawsuit on behalf of mascot birds Toucan Sam, and Sonny the Cuckoo alleges that cereal makers intentionally injected them with a mixture of LCD, Meth amphetamine, and cocaine without their knowledge or consent. Dig-em frog could not be reached for comment.
Muriel the marmoset was forced to undergo re-assignment surgery to become Tony the Tiger; as the studio execs changed the role in response to focus testing, but had already paid Muriel the advance.
As ordered, General Mills delivered the corpses of his two fallen comrades to the laboratory. Dr. Kellogg was sure he could create one super-soldier by combining and reanimating the remains of Majors Franks & Berry.
The Dark and Gritty Origin Stories Behind Certain Breakfast Cereals:…
are exemplified by the war between Quisp and Quake .
Quisp won but was so weakened it was easily defeated by Captain Crunch and his poisonous Crunch Berries.
It’s a sad tale full of intrigue, betrayal and sugar.
Kix was originally hipster slang for a type of illicit drug sold only between Santa Monica, California and the Arizona border at Needles, as referenced in the song “Route 66”…
The Dark and Gritty Origin Stories Behind Certain Breakfast Cereals:…
It’s a plot by Big Egg, Big Toast and Big Juice to sell their products because you need them for a balanced diet!
Wake Up Sheeple!
Tony the Tiger came from a troubled background, shuttled between sanctuaries run by Bhagavan Antle, Carole Baskin, and ultimately Joe Exotic. He was used and abused by all of them…
…Down a lonely aisle, bottom shelf, where only the generic wheat flakes survive, could be heard the cry: I’m not a cartoon animal, I’m a bran.
(Preview of Mikey Hammer, Toucan Sam Spade: The Bag Sleep)
The dark and gritty origin stories behind certain breakfast cereals…
are much too gritty and dark for young children to hear.
… : How Dred Pirate Crunch Got His Name…
is underscored by “Captain Crunch”, who currently impersonates a cereal magnate after he (Horatio Magellen Crunch) went on a “powered sugar binge” and was drummed out of the Navy for crashing into 13 vessels while attempting to dock his wife’s Ford Grenada station wagon. Most egregiously, he wears a commander’s uniform he stole from the set of Russel Crowe’s flop movie about the Royal Navy.
… : Sugar Bear Pops a Ho for Holdin’ Out
The story of Captain Crunch, a former Admiral. He deliberately disobeyed Fleet orders and, using a stolen French vessel, propelled himself and crew through the Bermuda Triangle forward to 20th Century San Francisco, all in search of the Great White Whale.
Corn Pops a Cap’n your Crunch
The Trix rabbit is currently serving 8 life sentences after he finally snapped and buried those horrible bully kids in his back yard.
Raiders of the Pop Tarts
a lawsuit on behalf of mascot birds Toucan Sam, and Sonny the Cuckoo alleges that cereal makers intentionally injected them with a mixture of LCD, Meth amphetamine, and cocaine without their knowledge or consent. Dig-em frog could not be reached for comment.
Sugar Smacks You Down
Quaker Man Sows His Oats
(rated NC-17)
Snap, Crackle and Pop were the original cereal killers…
Snap’s been capped, Crackle’s in shackles, and Pop’s been dropped.
Muriel the marmoset was forced to undergo re-assignment surgery to become Tony the Tiger; as the studio execs changed the role in response to focus testing, but had already paid Muriel the advance.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch was a nanobot experiment gone horribly wrong…
Waffle Crisp is a repurposed medieval torture device, which explains why it shreds the hard palate…
As ordered, General Mills delivered the corpses of his two fallen comrades to the laboratory. Dr. Kellogg was sure he could create one super-soldier by combining and reanimating the remains of Majors Franks & Berry.
The Dark and Gritty Origin Stories Behind Certain Breakfast Cereals:…
are exemplified by the war between Quisp and Quake .
Quisp won but was so weakened it was easily defeated by Captain Crunch and his poisonous Crunch Berries.
It’s a sad tale full of intrigue, betrayal and sugar.
Kix was originally hipster slang for a type of illicit drug sold only between Santa Monica, California and the Arizona border at Needles, as referenced in the song “Route 66”…
OLL!
[Out-Loud Laugh]
Needles? I guess that explains why Snoopy’s brother Spoke lived there.
“balanced diet” actually refers to the secret cereal society’s yearly ceremonial ritual of stacking obese children into Jenga towers.
The Dark and Gritty Origin Stories Behind Certain Breakfast Cereals:…
It’s a plot by Big Egg, Big Toast and Big Juice to sell their products because you need them for a balanced diet!
Wake Up Sheeple!
It’s the Vitaminatti!
Leggo My NWO!
Quaker Life was originally called Democrat. It wasn’t until they changed the name that Mikey would eat it.
Quaker Thug Life
Nothing is better for thee than keeping thine mouth shut.
Snitches first of all get stitches in their garments — but then they are shunned!
It’s because they’re quilty!
Whoa.
Excellent.
Seeing all these cereals that are merely gritty, Grape Nuts scoffs and leaves.
The Dark and Gritty Origin Stories Behind Certain Breakfast Cereals:…
revolve around them all having mother’s named Martha.
Man, all of these could serve as stand-alone SLoTDs!
There’s going to be another “Dark and Gritty Story” Straight Line on Friday.
Trix was created by a Baker who witnessed the ‘end results’ after his bunny ate a box of crayons.
Mikey didn’t eat the cereal. Then he woke one morning with the head of his hobbie horse in his bed.
Extra helping ~~~
Made him a box-top mail-in offer he couldn’t refuse.
The dark and gritty origin stories behind certain breakfast cereals…
…trace their history to that time C.W. Post had breakfast on the black sand beach at Punalu’u.
Sounds like a Post apocalyptic story.
It was the pacifist Quakers that figured out how to shoot rice and wheat from guns to cash in on the fast growing industry.
The reason you don’t see Kaboom cereal anymore is because the clown was arrested by DHS on terrorism charges.
Full Metal Apple Jacks
“Do we look like we have a prize in the bottom of our box? Hell, we like you. Why don’t we come to your house and have breakfast with your sister?”
(– one of their failed ads)
(Others that didn’t quite make it to air:)
“Because we are hard, you will not like us. Because we cost more per pound than chicken, you will despise us.”
“You will become ministers of diarrhea, praying for lunch.”
“I’ll tell you something else you won’t like: we do not have colorful bees flying around and talking to you every morning. Do you like that?”
“Sir, isn’t ‘apple jack’ some sort of alcoholic beverage?”
“I’m asking the questions around here, Grapenuts!”
“Who bought me? Who just signed their own ******* death warrant?”
“Is that you, generic Wheaties? Is this me?”
Tony the Tiger came from a troubled background, shuttled between sanctuaries run by Bhagavan Antle, Carole Baskin, and ultimately Joe Exotic. He was used and abused by all of them…
Snap, Crackle, and Pop were only the backup plan. Too bad Brother Maynard refused to sign the licensing contract.
You find yourself in the cereal aisle. You can choose Life, or . . .
Choose wisely.
Nobody’s gonna talk about how BooBerry died? OK.
You know what wood chippers can do? Imagine what General Mills can . . .
All of Egypt would suffer when Pharaoh refused to heed Moses’ warning: “Let my Eggo go!”
Thus began the Eggosodus.
(I’m sure glad I didn’t contemplate this when I was in church: my stomach would be rumbling.)
Corn Pops:- Biden’s Gonna Put Y’all Back in Chain Stores
That awful scene where Cinnamon Toasts Crunch*
*(Captain, that is)
Always After Me Lucky Germs
They’re tragically disastrous.
40% Bran Flakes — 60% Fish Tank Cleaner
Coronola
Damnation Instant Breakfast
The Dark and Gritty Origin Stories Behind Certain Breakfast Cereals:…
Apparently, the silly rabbit was “for” kids.
“Part of this complicit breakfast.”
…Down a lonely aisle, bottom shelf, where only the generic wheat flakes survive, could be heard the cry: I’m not a cartoon animal, I’m a bran.
(Preview of Mikey Hammer, Toucan Sam Spade: The Bag Sleep)
Not freaking bad!
In college they taught me to appreciate both Spillane and Hammett — but they still didn’t teach me to appreciate college!
“Cheerio,” I said.
“Never say that to a bran,” he replied, in a non-husky voice.