Bill Gates Buys Nearly $1B Heineken Stake, Despite Not Being a ‘Big Beer Drinker’
resistthemainstream.com | February 22, 2023 | John SymankA new report reveals that Bill Gates purchased 3.76% stake in Dutch drinks giant Heineken Holding NV last week in spite of the billionaire Microsoft founder’s previous admission that he was “not a big beer drinker.”
Gates purchased 10.8 million shares, worth $939.87 million at current market prices, triggering a disclosure requirement under Dutch stock market rules.
Straight Line of the Day: What changes to Heineken can we expect now that Bill Gates is involved?
Each bottle will have a message on it..kinda like a fortune cookie.
One will say: Drinking may cause memory loss…or memory loss.
Look for special formulations for each of the [checks notes] 81 different genders and/or gender identities…
LaBatt’s Blue Screen of Death!
Beer Stain Of Death
He’s gonna do something about the name – who wants to buy a beer named Heinie?
Like sales wouldn’t go through the roof if the commercial featured Kathy Ireland saying, “Everybody wants to grab my Heinie!” or, “Go ahead, grab my Heinie.”
The bigger question is, who DOESN’T want to tap some Heinie?
Increased use of Beer Googles
Yeah but it would contently goad you into defaulting to beer Bing.
Drinking histories tracked in chug-a-lug-log.
a/k/a cache on the barrelhead.
Once Microsoft spell check is installed, the beer will be named Hiney Cam.
Constant rebooting of the conveyor belts.
We found out what happens once Bill Gates has a dime for every time his systems crashed.
We’ll have to keep seeing his stupid mug?
New motto: “What’s Pabst Is Prologue.”
What changes to Heineken can we expect now that Bill Gates is involved?
Beer will cause infertility.
Drinking Heineken will now give you a hankerin’ for some computer chips to go with.
No Carbon Nation
Every time you pour one you’ll want to knock its head off.
Instead of a pop top or bottle cap, it’ll need a CTRL-ALT-DEL sequence to open.
Billions in profits once the CDC declares Heineken to be a vaccine and the company’s mailing address is changed to a Ukrainian bank lockbox.
Another message you may see on a bottle: A secret society is the reason Long John Silvers hasn’t gone out of business yet.
The slogan will be changed from “Grab a Heine” to “Grab a Juvie”.
See my previous joke about sex in a canoe.
You’ll need a 36-digit access code to open each bottle and, once open, you’ll have 30 minutes to finish it. Oh, and you’ll only be able to use authentic Heineken mugs to drink.
Redd’s Apple Ale enforces that much more stringently.
A successful boot and rally will now require 2 factor authentication.
Heineken home edition will allow up to 6 users to simultaneously drink from the same 30 rack.
Heineken education edition will allow up to 6 free drinks during finals week.
Heineken pro edition comes in a keg.
Apparently Bill will cause commenters to get their own email address wrong.
Heineken will become a delivery mechanism of Bio-Chemical WMD’s, and not just because it tastes bad and causes poor carnal decisions.
Needs someplace to put all those microchips that were supposed to go in the Covid vaccines.
What Changes to Heineken Can We Expect Now That Bill Gates Is Involved?
The Windows glasses will actually be panes.
Every six months they’ll come out with a ‘NEW’ Heineken that will be a bigger, clunkier bottle, a redesign of the cap, new color scheme for the bottle, less beer and a smaller opening making it harder to pour it out.
+1
… and you’ll have to sign a 50-page End User Agreement before it will let you open it.
Acknowledging that you’re only leasing it, not buying it.
Linked at Bunks..
Bugweiser….
Changes?
None.
Will still be Skunky Kraut Pisswater.
Now pour me a nice, lovingly crafted Amurican IPA, dammit!
I thought it was Dutch.
Well, it certainly can’t get any worse. Can it?