“There are those who say I flip-flop,” John Kerry said at a rally, “and I will say firmly that they are probably not correct.”
The audience cheered for a moment, but was then stunned silent. Kerry then turned around to see hovering craft destroying the building behind him with lasers.
“Jeeves! What is that?” Kerry demanded.
“Appears to be alien attack craft, sir,” Kerry’s butler answered.
“During my rally!” Kerry yelled angrily, “Do they know who I am!”
A laser blast blew up the stage sending him flying through the air.
“Apparently not, sir.”
“Oh, they’re all such good singers,” Bush whined, “I don’t know who to vote for as American Idol!”
Suddenly the image of Simon Cowell was replaced with the hideous visage of an alien being. It had a large green head, bug eyes, and long, sharp, needle-like teeth.
“Ahh! I’m not voting for that guy!” Bush exclaimed.
“I am the evil alien warlord Xanax,” it announced, “Puny beings of earth – especially your masters, the Americans – heed my warning: surrender now or be destroyed.”
“Why does everything have to happen during my presidency,” Bush grumbled.
“I’ve called this emergency meeting in this war room because of the alien attack,” Bush announced.
“Well, duh,” Condi remarked.
“I remember that in Independence Day a president dealt with a similar situation,” Bush said, “and defeated the aliens by connecting to their mothership with a Mac computer and giving it a computer virus. So, is anyone here a Mac user?”
No one raised a hand.
“Dammit!” Bush exclaimed, “Guess we’ll have to use a different strategery.”
Out of the shadows emerged the hooded figure of Karl Rove. “Defeating this alien menace could improve your poll numbers,” Rove stated, “While failing to defeat them could mean the end of humanity.”
“I have seen the poll numbers,” Bush said, “and it almost unanimous that the American people do not want to be enslaved. Why, the ‘No the Blood for the Salvation of Humanity’ protest out front of the White House only got about a hundred participants. Let’s see what are military has to say about this.” Bush put General Abizaid on speaker phone. “We need some troops to take on these aliens.”
“Oh, it’s the military to the rescue once again,” Abizaid said angrily, “We’re already handling Afghanistan and Iraq; can’t you jokers handle one alien invasion yourself?”
“But they’re scary looking!” Bush complained.
“And you’re a little pansy,” Abizaid answered.
“I’ll show you!” Bush yelled, “I’ll handle these aliens all by myself.” He hung up the phone. “Guess we’re on our own. Zatoichi, you’re a blind samurai; you must have some idea how to fight invading aliens.”
“The alien’s support is all behind their leader,” Ichi answered, “If we defeat him, they will be dishonored and leave.”
“Sounds like a place to start,” Bush stated, “So, Rumsfeld, you’re always violent and angry; any ideas on how to defeat the alien warlord?”
“I don’t like this sci-fi crap,” Rumsfeld growled, “Let’s just all grab a brick, smash their heads in, and then go to a bar and get some whiskey. First round is on me.”
“So capture their leader or smash their heads in with bricks,” Bush thought out loud. He was interrupted by the phone ringing. Bush looked at the caller ID. “Dammit, it’s Kofi Anan.” He answered the phone. “What do you want, Coffee?”
“We were negotiating with Xanax, and he is very reasonable,” Kofi answered, “If we agree to surrender, he says he’ll make us leaders work slaves on the nice asteroids.”
“I’m not working on any asteroid,” Bush said angrily.
“Well, Chirac is planning on representing earth in an official surrender to Xanax,” Kofi said, “and you know how adamant the French are about their surrendering.”
“Well, you tell him to hold on or we’ll smash his head in with a brick,” Bush threatened and then hung up the phone. “We can’t let that weasely Chirac surrender earth for us! I won’t be the first president to have humanity enslaved by aliens… and the last.”
“It’s is I, the weasely, foul smelling President of France,” Chirac announced as he entered the U.N. conference.
“Excellent,” Xanax hissed, “Now just sign the papers enslaving all of humanity. And make sure to initial where marked… and do it quickly as the notary public is only here until five.”
Chirac stood near the paper and bent over it ready to sign, but then he stopped. “I don’t think I will sign this.” Chirac stood up and faced Xanax. He then ripped off his mask to reveal he was in fact President Bush. “Instead, I’m going to give you and old-fashioned Texas ass-whup’n!” Bush put on a
“It’s the American President!” Xanax exclaimed angrily.
“And you misunderestimated me!” Bush answered, putting on a cowboy hat and going into a whup’n stance.
A number of alien guards armed with laser rifles rushed out and surrounded Bush. “Did you think it would be that easy!” laughed Xanax, “I’ve conquered many worlds before – some of them inhabited – and you’re simple ‘whup’n’ is no match for my alien technology!”
“Should have gone with the brick idea,” Bush grumbled.
“We surrender to you, our evil alien master!” Chirac yelled as he bowed down.
“My name is Ed, and this my gas station.”
Chirac stood back up. “Are you sure you’re not an evil alien overlord.”
“Pretty sure.”
“That Bush has gotten between me and surrender for the last time!” Chirac swore, “The France has wanted to surrender the whole world since its existence, and I will finally see it through and no one can stop me!”
“So are you going to buy some gas or not?”
“Now that the stupid American president is prisoner on our mothership,” Xanax said as Bush was tossed into a cell, “The world will lose its will to resist and easily fall. Muh ha ha ha!”
The cell door was shut, and the Xanax and the guards walked off. “You may think you captured the stupid America president,” Bush said, and then took off his mask. “But you’ve actually captured his gullible Press Secretary.” Scott McClellan then spoke into his hidden communications device. “Tubby is in the donut factory. I repeat: Tubby is in the donut factory.”
“Good job, Scott,” Bush answered.
“So what’s next?”
“Oh… well… uh… plans are fluid at this moment.”
“You don’t have plans, do you?” Scott exclaimed.
“Well, we figured for whatever plans we are going to have, getting someone on the mothership is a good start. So what do you see?”
“The walls of my cell!” Scott answered with annoyance.
“We’ll start with that. So… you wouldn’t happen to have a nuclear device on you, would you?”
“No!”
“Did you check all your pockets?”
“Yes!”
“Well, Scott, hang in there. We’re going to work tirelessly on a plan to get you out.” There was a pause for a moment. “Yeah, Scott is pretty much screwed, Condi. So, do you want to play foosball? –What? The mike is still on? How do I turn it off. Do I hit this button. Whoops! I think that launched missiles. Well hopefully no one will notice with the alien attack– Oh, so it’s this button to turn off the…”
TO BE CONTINUED…
“…the notary public is only here until five.”
Spewing coffee on that one!
Another great IMW, Frank!
the whole thing was great, but i laughed hard at “Whoops! I think that launched missiles.”
brilliant.
–TO BE CONTINUED…??? AAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!
–ahem… uh… when???
This is OT but it seems that Rumsfeld is guilty of more than just strangling the worthless hippy.
Check this out!
http://www.cooperforpresident.com/id227.html
(Drink Alert!)
–“”And you misunderestimated me!” Bush answered, putting on a cowboy hat and going into a whup’n stance.”
–That definitely qualifies as one of the best lines ever!! …”whup’n stance…” TOO FUNNY!!
“‘No the Blood for the Salvation of Humanity’ protest out front of the White House only got about a hundred participants. ”
Love it!
“‘I won’t be the first president to have humanity enslaved by aliens… and the last.'”
–Cleverness beyond the masses! Another hillarious read…
“It’s is I, the weasely, foul smelling President of France,” Chirac announced as he entered the U.N. conference.
laugh
A lot of people seem to enjoy them, but you do much funnier stuff than the IN MY WORLD section. It is my belief that you should not do so many of them.
I love In My World!
“Tubby is in the donut factory.”
“Did you check all your pockets?”
Absolute genius!
Hey Frank, try to add Congressman Mark Foley (R-16th dist. FL) into the next IMW! I’m interning here in Canon HOB 104, and I’d love it if I were in your wonderful world!
So like what? Are the Aliens for the war in Iraq or against it? Sometimes, Dude, you’re like way too cryptic.
Great IMW! the last paragraph was hilarious I LAUGHED!!
“That Bush has gotten between me and surrender for the last time!” Chirac swore, “The France has wanted to surrender the whole world since its existence, and I will finally see it through and no one can stop me!”
“So are you going to buy some gas or not?”
I can barely contain my excitement for the next episode.
dylan, dylan, dylan! what are you smokin’? IMW is some of the funniest stuff out there!
xanax… hmmmm…. does he stumble around and talk incoherently? Thats what xanax makes my friends mom do.
Best. IMW. Ever.
“I don’t like this sci-fi crap,” Rumsfeld growled, “Let’s just all grab a brick, smash their heads in, and then go to a bar and get some whiskey. First round is on me.”
Mmmmmm… whiskey…
Oh yeah. Friggin’ hilarious!
Now, where’d I leave that bottle of Beam?
I’m laughing so hard I must look like an idiot to everyone in the house here! Great stuff, Frank, great!.
“We’ll start with that. So… you wouldn’t happen to have a nuclear device on you, would you?”
“No!”
“Did you check all your pockets?”
“Yes!”
OMFG!!
“I’ve called this emergency meeting in this war room because of the alien attack,” Bush announced.
“Well, duh,” Condi remarked.
I just ran out of Windex, too. Great stuff, as usual, Frank. Next time, though, warn us.
As per usual, this is great stuff!
“Tubby is in the donut factory. I repeat: Tubby is in the donut factory.”
Glad I am alone in the house, though I think the neighbors heard me laughing…
here’s a warning for you: “In My World”
when you see that, realize it’s gonna be some funny shit. It’s not Franks fault that his comedic genius gets smeared all over your screens
Funny stuff.
“Yeah, Scott is pretty much screwed, Condi. So, do you want to play foosball? –What? The mike is still on?”
LMAO! That was just plain great.
LMAO. Great IMW, can’t wait fot the next episode.
And if no one has noticed, they have discovered WMD in Iraq.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4997808/
Looks like Bush gets the last laugh…
I feel the need to defend myself here. As I said, I know a lot of people like them, but it is just not for me. I like a lot of Frank’s humor, which is why I come here every now and again.
I just thought I’d let him know that I just don’t find them that funny. I’ve laughed at several things he’s done, but I can never recall even smiling through a IMW.
And I don’t smoke anything.
I agree with Dylan. All I see is repeats of the same post. “Great one”, “I spewed coffee on my screen”, “That was hilarious”, but all you do is make the Bush administration look like a bunch of idiots. You’ve had much better, Frank, and I think you may have been a bit taxed for ideas with this one. Here’s hoping you prove me wrong in the continuation.
This isn’t your best, Frank, but it’s still dang funny. Ignore the skeptics.
Waah, waah, waah, everybody’s a critic….. I liked it
I think it’s great because he does realize that they’re idiots. Look at how he’s been bumbling away this war in Iraq. Bush had a very good thing going, but through all these more and more ridiculous events, he’s just diggin himself deeper and deeper. I appreciate Frank poking fun at this unfortunate trait
Not saying that the french-wannabe/medal-tosser is any better, by any means. I really believe in the collapse of the american empire should Kerry win.
“I feel the need to defend myself here. As I said, I know a lot of people like them, but it is just not for me. I like a lot of Frank’s humor, which is why I come here every now and again.
I just thought I’d let him know that I just don’t find them that funny. I’ve laughed at several things he’s done, but I can never recall even smiling through a IMW.
And I don’t smoke anything.”
“I agree with Dylan. All I see is repeats of the same post. “Great one”, “I spewed coffee on my screen”, “That was hilarious”, but all you do is make the Bush administration look like a bunch of idiots. You’ve had much better, Frank, and I think you may have been a bit taxed for ideas with this one. Here’s hoping you prove me wrong in the continuation.”
Who The *** Are These ***heads?
0.5$ says its the same hippie-a$$ed troll posting twice.
Frank, Do you want to send the ninjas to beat the crap out of these morons, or should I?
Back on topic, Very good IMW, I haven’t been laughing this hard in over a week.
Oh, bah, you silly pessimists.
The In My Worlds are always funny to me because they take the stereotypes people toss out about the administration to the extreme. People call Rumsfeld a war monger, so Frank shows them what the world would be like if Rumsfeld were. They call bush a dumb cowboy. So Frank shows him as a dumb cowboy.
Don’t read them if they’re not funny to you 😛
No one’s holding a gun to your head…or are they? 😉
Now, in response to The Chad, you’re too easily
influenced by the liberal media. It’s really hard to reasonably blame recent events on the Bush administration. What happened was horrible, I grant you, but hey, explain to me how you would
have prevented it without knowing what would happen ahead of time.
Oh my Jesus. I can’t say one critical thing about Frank or the things he does without all these people pissing and moaning. Face it, I don’t think IMW are very funny. Did I ever say that Frank wasn’t funny?
I believe I wrote that I do enjoy his work just not IMW. It is ok if people don’t like everything that he does. And you don’t need to call someone a ‘****head’, that sounds kind of Limeyish don’t you think? You don’t agree, so call me names.
Again, I was never calling names, and I merely made a statement for Frank to know. But all these hardcore Frank fans that worship his work evidently are disturbed by a critical voice.
To Miranda, I don’t read most of them. But it seems like people would like to have a gun to my head like a guppy saying: “I love everything Frank does. Frank is the funniest man alive. Oh man, that was hilari…” You get my drift.
Being critical does not make me a pessimist, it makes me objective.
I’ll leave you with the stupidest response post:
“0.5$ says its the same hippie-a$$ed troll posting twice.
Frank, Do you want to send the ninjas to beat the crap out of these morons, or should I?”
What have I got to hide behind another name? Yes! Beat the crap out of anyone who disagrees!
Thank you for the definitive spelling of “whup’n”.
Frank J. may be overall the funniest man in the Blogosphere, but I think Mr. Green takes the dry wit prize, hands down!
Here’s the deal. You’re allowed to be critical, but realize, everyone else is too. You had your turn to criticize Frank, we criticized you. Now you’ve criticized us 😉 so it’s our turn!
rar
Anyway 😛 It’s Frank’s blog. It’s good and it’s free. He should be able to post what he wants, when he wants. If he’s miserable and it’s too
much like work, how will he post anything
funny? 😛
IMW- Dylan walks into a biker bar and yells at the top of his lungs that Harleys suck and was shocked when he woke from his concusion to find that his Yugo had been demolished. He could not understand why they would do this.
“Why does everything have to happen during my presidency,” Bush grumbled.
“Tubby is in the donut factory. I repeat: Tubby is in the donut factory.”
I think I hurt myself laughing…
France WOULD surrender to aliens. Why do you think we are keeping them out of space?
Monday is IMW day. I used to guarantee two a week, but now it’s only definitely one a week. IMW’s appeal more to regular readers, so I am concious of trying new things that will appeal to people who don’t get all the in jokes.
They’re also harder to write than my other posts.
“Oh my Jesus. I can’t say one critical thing about Frank or the things he does without all these people pissing and moaning.”
All those who are critical of the mighty Frank should be put to death.
“Face it, I don’t think IMW are very funny.”
Blasphemy!
“Did I ever say that Frank wasn’t funny?”
Its Blasphemy To Even Think Such A Thing Is Possible!
“I believe I wrote that I do enjoy his work just not IMW.”
Blasphemy!
“It is ok if people don’t like everything that he does.”
Blasphemy!
“And you don’t need to call someone a ‘****head’,”
Its a statement Of fact, and it isn’t ****head, it’ ***head.
“that sounds kind of Limeyish don’t you think?”
You mentioned the one who is never to be mentioned again! Abomination!
Frank,
I think your posts, many of which are humorous, have given these people the strange idea that they are funny as well.
I wonder how they came up with that.
Blinks
Blinks: Blogosphere Links to other cool stuff around the blogosphere …. Emperor Misha fantasizes about June 7, 1944 and the “quagmire” in Europe. The guys at DGCI take exception to Nancy Pelosi’s “Jumping The Shark” and fisk the living daylights…