Yesterday, I showed you the Democrats’ plan for the War on Terror. While it was quite an interesting plan, I have a better idea. As you know, I’ve read one whole book on Islam, and thus I’m now an expert on the mind of an Islamic terrorist. So I have applied my knowledge to come up with an innovative way to end terrorism.
THE FRANK J. PLAN FOR THE WAR ON TERROR FAQ
Q. So, Frank J., what’s your plan for the War on Terror?
A. I’m glad you asked that. My plan is much more subtle and nuanced than most others. First, we nuke Mecca. Next…
Q. WHAT?! Are you…
A. Whoa! Calm down there. I know your concern, but we’ll still have a very sizeable nuclear arsenal even after this expenditure.
Q. That wasn’t my concern! It’s that…
A. Yes, Saudi Arabia probably won’t approve a fly-over for this operation, which is why we’ll use cruise missiles.
Q. Ahhh! The innocent lives! Aren’t you…
A. Innocent lives will be lost any time you use nuclear weapons against a city, so I don’t see how that’s a special concern here.
Q. But… Won’t… GAH!
A. Of course, this is only the first part of the plan. The second part is to build a 500-foot statue of Porky Pig on the ashes of Mecca. Next…
Q. Are you insane! Don’t you even…
A. Yes, it will cost a decent amount in tax money, but the government should allow the statue’s construction to be bid on unless there is a compelling reason to sole source it to Halliburton.
Q. I can’t even put together the words to…
A. Here’s where the plan gets interesting. The Koran says that Muslims are supposed to pray five times a day towards Mecca. The Koran always says that pigs are unclean and that idolatry is evil. Thus, Muslims can either pray to a giant pig idol which goes against the Koran, or they can choose not to pray towards Mecca which also goes against the Koran. Either way, they’ll be going against at least a part of the Koran.
Q. You’re a freak. Just stop talking now and…
A. So, while the radical Muslims are pondering this paradox and realizing they have to disobey at least one part of the Koran, we can come up to them and say, “Hey, since you’re now not following all of the Koran anymore, why don’t you also not obey the ‘kill the infidels’ part. It’s just extra work, anyway.” They’ll nod in agreement, and there will be peace in the Middle East.
Q. You need help.
A. I need everyone’s help. Write the President and your Congressmen to hire me for consultation on their plans for the Middle East. Peace is possible, but only if we use our heads rather than our guns.
So are you abandoning the “nuke the moon” meme?
D-deh, d-deh, d-deh, d-deh…That’s all folks!
I’m willing to give it a try, Senator-elect Frank J.
Yes, you need help. We need to make a movie “Meeting Frank J” and figure out where all this comes from. DU’ers probably think it stems from your childhood.
There must be something wrong with me because I realy LIKE THIS PLAN.
I will write the President now.
“Q. Ahhh! The innocent lives! Aren’t you…
A. Innocent lives will be lost any time you use nuclear weapons against a city, so I don’t see how that’s a special concern here.”
Haha! That’s marvelous!!
Innocent, schminnocent! You got to break millions of eggs to make an omelot big enough to fill a meteor-caused crater. Stop being a bunch of Marys and get behind Frank on this.
Frank,
You are da man. Middle East peace is indeed at hand.
That’s THE best plan I have ever heard.
Can we put the populations of San Francisco and Berkeley in the cruise missiles?
Now there’s a plan I can endorse! Would bring a tear to ol’ Patton’s eye. “That’s damn beautiful, son!”
We also need to declare the five mile radius of the Pig statue as a dog park since Moslems hate dogs too (really because a good dog will bark and warn his family when Moslems come around which they don’t want).
I’m on Board, Frank. Buck the Marine and I can clean up the stragglers.
I support this plan.
The cat ran out of the room when I started laughing. Porky Pig was what threw it over the top for me.
I like! Excellent plan; the best I have heard.
And if we extradite all our puppies to the new Pork City, we can save them from Reynolds’s blender!
See, and for this you people dont oppose new taxes.
We really need to watch the budget for experimental programs like this. Why not try it out on a little smaller scale first?
The Kaba’a is pretty big as it is. True, it has a crack in it, but so did the chunk of marble Michaelangelo picked up cheap to carve his “David” from. Forget the nuke for now, just find some SEALs with a little sculpting talent.
Hey – maybe if we give them plenty of warning, many of the libs can go over there to be human shields. Much more workable plan than the dems.
Great plan, Frank! Hey, the libs are always whining about depleating our nuclear arsinal. This would take care of it at just the cost of some jet fuel.
You forget – if this plan were implimented, it would prove that ALLAH IS A MISSERABLE FAILURE – or at least a puss-of-a-god.
I think we should save the Kaaba and use it for Porky’s belly button. Seems fitting.
On the surface, your plan looks good, however it does have one flaw.
It might anger Muslims.
Just something to consider.