[Adapted from the movie “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles”]

Kneel (to 2020):

You’re no saint. You got free looting, you got a free election, and someone who’ll listen to your boring candidate.

I mean, didn’t you notice on the plane when you started masking, eventually I started reading the vomit bag? — Didn’t that give you some sort of clue, like, hey, maybe this guy’s not enjoying it?

You know, everything is not a crisis. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are dangerous or mildly confusing or interesting.

You’re a miracle! Your year had none of that!

You’re not even amusing accidentally!

“Honey, I’d like you to meet A.D. 2020: it’s got some amazing news stories for you. Oh, and here’s a gun so you can blow your brains out. You’ll thank me for it!”

I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days, I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They’d say, “How can you stand it?” I’d say, “‘Cause I’ve lived through 2020. I can take anything.”

You know what they’d say? They’d say, “I know what you mean. The murder hornet year? Whoa!”

It’s like going on a date with a Talky Tina doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn’t pull it out and snap it back, you would. “Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!”

And by the way, you know, when you’re creating these little lockdowns? Here’s a good idea: have a point! It makes it so much more interesting for the sufferer!

…

2020: You play with your balls a lot.

Kneel: I do NOT play with my balls.

2020: Larry Bird doesn’t do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!

Kneel: Are you trying to start a fight?

2020: No. I’m simply stating a fact. That’s all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.

Kneel: You know what’d make me happy?

2020: Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?