"My counter argument is that I'm offended." – idiots
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) May 12, 2015
[dropping wife at the airport]
"Wait-"
"Aw, I'll miss you too but I have-"
[holds up baby]
"What the hell does this thing eat?"
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 17, 2015
Don Draper died on the way back to his home planet
— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) May 17, 2015
more like breaking fad. who even watches that show anymore
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) May 19, 2015
I'd be willing to pay everyone in Congress $100 for every day they're in session, and $1000 for every day they're not.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) May 20, 2015
DOG: I think that job interview went well!
*looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 20, 2015
Wife: I am not talking to you.
Husband: OK.
Wife: Don't you want to know the reason?
Husband: No, I respect and trust your decision.
— City Girl (@ConservCityGirl) May 21, 2015
Beaches would be so awesome if I liked beaches
— nomchompsky (@nomchompsky) May 25, 2015