Oh Muslim, oh servant of Allah, this is a Jew behind me, come and kill him!

 I’m completely serious. Right now, there is a Jew hiding behind me. I can’t see him too well – he is behind me as I stated – but I’m sure he’s a Jew so one of you Muslims better come quick and kill him, praise Allah.

 Hello? Someone out there? Come on! I know today is not the day of resurrection so I’m jumping the gun a bit, but I figured what’s the chance of a Jew ever actually hiding behind me? But, today, there is a Jew right behind me, and it is my day to shine. So, I’m calling out best I can… which is new for me. We trees are pretty quiet. I hope you appreciate the effort I’m making here, and thus maybe, if it’s not too inconvenient, one of you faithful Muslims could come over here and kill the Jew.

 Okay. Fine. Ignore me. Right now the Jew is sitting behind me probably counting his money… or maybe counting your money – and is completely unkilled and no one seems to care. Wait until the Prophet Mohammad hears about this one. You think you’ll be getting virgins? Oh no, not for you. You ignored the tree. You’ll get crack whores.

 Yeah, I made that last part up. Honestly, I’m not too up on theology since I never read the Koran; again, I’m a tree. All I know it to call out if there’s a Jew behind me, so here I am doing my part. Remember: I’m doing you a favor. Muslim, Jew, Hindu… what do I care? I’m a tree. I just thought I’d do a little community service and call out for a Jew to be killed. I guess that was my mistake. Mea culpa. I’ll never do it again.

 Hey! You shut up, rock! The Jew is behind me! Yeah, he’s near you, but he’s hiding behind me. You only get to call out if the Jew is actually hiding behind you, capisce? He’s my Jew, so you keep quiet!

 Great! Now the Jew has ran away. Maybe all the trees and rocks yelling out for him to be killed scared him away; I really don’t know how a Jew mind works. Well, Muslims, you botched this one. You had the tree calling out and everything, but I guess you were all just too busy. And, I guess with the infidels invade, you’ll all be too busy to blow yourself up in their marketplace. “Well, it was a fine religion while it lasted, but everyone just decided to ignore the tree and it all went downhill.” Yep, that’s what they’ll say.

 Still, if you want to try and redeem yourself, there’s a squirrel in my branches that’s starting to annoy me. If you’d kill him, that would be awesome and I’d put a good word in for you to Allah.

 Hello?
The tree is a regular contributor to photosynthesis, and, while it’s never written a book, it has been involved in the publication of nearly every title out there.

 Creating a controversy is hard. I’ve noticed that when people like Ann Coulter have a book out, they say something really controversial to get on TV. Thus, in my last editorial, I took the position that we should kill all Arab children in the hopes people would condemn me and thus I’d get free publicity for my new book.

 No one said a thing.

 But some other blogger simply quotes my editorial and he gets condemned by CAIR until he’s shut down. Now CAIR is crowing about how they got rid of the guy who quoted me (they even have a screenshot of the offending post that got them in an uproar where 90% of it is an excerpt of my editorial), but they are completely ignoring me. They claim to be on the lookout for more “hate sites” in Florida, but here I am with my hate site. And it is a hate site because I hate CAIR. They’re a bunch of little whiny goobers who make a big uproar anytime a Muslim is looked at funny but have nothing to say for the countless evils being perpetrated by Muslims all over the world as you read this.

 So, obviously, it’s up to me to help Muslims in their PR crisis which is only made worse by the terrorists sympathizers at CAIR. The thing is, it’s really not that hard to be liked in America, but it’s all about actions. If the new chair for the House Intelligence Committee can’t be bothered to know the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite, you can’t expect the average America to actually study the intricacies of the Muslim faith to determine whether Islam really is a peaceful religion. Instead, we’re going to judge Islam on what we see, and what we see right now are a bunch of violent morons happily stuck in the seventh century as they kill innocent people and each other and others whining about how people judge Muslims harshly because all the Muslims people see on TV are either violent morons or those whining about how people judge Muslims harshly.

 With that as the status quo, people are going to just naturally be suspicious of Muslims, and more whining about the situation will only make it worse. This situation will be easy to fix if Muslims just take my advice.

 First off, no whining. Ever. And I mean ever. It doesn’t matter how horribly you’ve been treated, don’t whine about it. Americans hate injustice, but we hate whiners even more. If you’re Muslim and get interviewed about something, never talk about anything other than how much you hate terrorists:

REPORTER: Are you disturbed about the new airline regulations that all Muslims must now be handcuffed to their seats on all airline flights?
MUSLIM: Why are you asking me about something so insignificant as airline regulations when there are terrorists out there in need of killing? Why don’t you trade that camera in for a rifle and shoot some terrorists yourself and stop being so useless?

 Currently, when an American sees a Muslim, he’s likely to think, “Hey! He’s either a terrorist or a whiner! I hope he gets treated horribly!” But, if Muslims take my advice, then Americans are likely to think, “That Muslim could be one of those guys I’ve seen on TV who really really hates Muslims. I should be nice to him.” So, by not whining about bad treatment and focusing on Americans’ real concerns, Muslims can get themselves better treatment.

 Of course, the biggest PR problem for Muslims are all those murderous ‘tards and the murderous Muslim governments. Some say Muslims should be as peaceful as possible to combat this image, but that’s really stupid. The violent idiots are always going to dominate the news even if they are a small percentage, so the obvious tactic is to gain positive coverage with more acts of violence.

 It’s important to remember that Americans love violence… but not random violence to nice people. Look at this typical exchange you will often hear in America:

AMERICAN1: A man was beaten to death with a baseball bat!
AMERICAN2: That’s horrible!
AMERICAN1: But the man beaten to death molested children.
AMERICAN2: Oh! Awesome!

 American love to see horrible violence perpetrated against bad people. Watch any action film and see what happens to the bad guy in the end; American are always disappointed by the end of a film if the bad guy isn’t killed in some horrible way.

 Thus, Muslims can use violence to get Americans to like them. If numerous Muslims just killed terrorists with the furor they often kill Jewish children and woman who have been raped, people would say, “Hey! Those Muslims are awesome!” What Muslims really need to get on TV is the image of some guy being dragged out of a mosque and then ripped apart limb from limb. And, when reporters ask why, the perpetrators would say, “We found out this guy was planning to blow up a daycare center, so we murdered him until there was nothing left to murder!” If Americans saw that, they’d be like, “Wow! Those guys rock! I want to buy them all a round of beer!” If Palestinians bashed a couple guys heads in with rocks and we then found out the reason for that is because the murdered were planning to kill Jews, Americans would say, “Those Palestinians there have their heads on straight. They should get their own state… maybe Syria.”

 It’s that simple. If Muslims only ever talk about how much they hate terrorists and have numerous bloody spectacles of them killing terrorists, then it will become really cool to be a Muslim in America. Organization like CAIR that promote whining and sympathizing with terrorists only get people to be suspicious of Muslims, and it’s really working. In fact, if you’re Muslim, please don’t e-mail me about this editorial because you scare me.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam” and “Violence Is Aerobic: How I Lost Fifty Pounds Beating Muggers to Death”.

 The election this year is very important. The result can determine whether we are serious in fighting a war on terror or whether we’re just going to try and ignore the problem until it grows so large it demands our attention. That’s why it’s important that all of you get out and vote… even though your own vote is quite meaningless and extremely unlikely to have any effect on anything.

 The issues we face today are some of the most important our nation has ever faced. It’s imperative that all you reading this vote today. Can your vote have a significant effect on our future? Absolutely not. The chance of your one vote tilting any significant election is statistically small. Most likely, you’ll simple have wasted your time by driving to the polls. We need everyone to vote, but whether you yourself vote is so insignificant it makes me spit.

 While the polls make things look gloomy, if Republicans just get out and vote, we can stop those spineless Democrats from weakening our country. That’s why we need as many Republicans as possible to get out there and make that difference – though, honestly, whether you vote or just stay home scratching yourself and drinking a beer will have no effect on anything whatsoever. While it’s possible that it could come down to one vote in an election, it’s just as possible for it to be a tie if you vote, leaving countless other people to say, “If only I voted!” Both are extremely unlikely, though, so much so that you should just put it out of your head. Really, you are wasting your time voting. But, all of you, need to vote to make a difference (but not you individually).

 You may say to yourself, “Yes, I probably won’t make a difference with just my vote, but, if everyone thinks like me and does not vote, it will make a difference.” That’s so stupid it makes me vomit. Do you think you have magical mental powers that your thinking about whether you vote or not will actually cause other people to vote or not? Or do you just think everyone else around you has the ability to read your mind? If you think that, you’re such a moron that you shouldn’t vote for the influence your stupidity would have on our democracy (which is none since one vote makes no difference). Maybe you think people seeing you voting and wearing an “I Voted!” sticker will influence others to vote, but then you should buy an “I Voted!” sticker and wear it all day long whether you vote or not (just be careful not to influence Democrats with your shiny sticker).

 I hope you understand my point, though. It’s very important that all of you reading this, which is a significant number, vote, because that could tip some important elections. It’s just that you yourself will have no effect on this whatsoever, and whether you go vote or drown in puddle in a back alley will make no difference on this election. So, go vote!
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Democracy Is Annoying” and “Hacking Diebold for Dummies”.

 Despite many advances in race relations (even I no longer think all Mexicans are lazy), there is still a long way to go until everyone of every race are treated as equals. So, how can we begin down that path of true racial equality? I think the answer is quite obvious: A bloody religious war.

 Religion is a great reason for war, as its something people feel strongly about that isn’t associated with just a particular race. And what religion to war against? Obviously, the Muslims… or, to get into the spirit, our “dreaded Muslim enemy” (or maybe “Moslem enemy” if that spelling looks more threatening). Those Moslems would be more than happy to have a religious war, so we shouldn’t feel like we’re inconveniencing them to put them in one. To get started, we just have to learn to hate all the Moslems proper, or, should I say, hate, the vile Moslems who thirst constantly for our blood (yeah, I’m liking the “Moslem” spelling).

 You’re probably worrying about the death and destruction, but, remember: To make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs. Similarly, to end racial strife, we need an extremely bloody war in which millions will be killed. But focusing on the death is missing the point. In a war between Moslems and those who don’t follow the evil Mohammed (or maybe “Muhammad” because I think that’s more foreign-looking), who would make up the group out to destroy the blight of Islam? Why, all races, of course, as non-Moslems are of all races and most nationalities. Think of the beauty of it all when this war gets going: We’ll have the white man, the black man, the china man, and the wetbacks all fighting side by side against the dreaded Moslem enemy.

 As for the Moslems we’ll slaughter, it will be a diverse group as well. Dying by our figurative sword (it will actually be assault rifles and bombs) will be Arabs, Asians, blacks, and even the occasional whitey. Everyone loves to kill whitey. Since the evil Muhammad invited all to join with him and Satan, we’ll have a pretty racially diverse enemy. Admittedly, it’s not quite as diverse as those who don’t follow the false prophet, but I think it’s a good enough group to slaughter for the purposes of racial healing.

 Nothing brings people together like fighting for a common cause, and what better cause to unite all races of people together than ending the scourge of those vile, sub-human Moslems with their evil, scheming eyes? While people have held many different beliefs throughout the years, the one thing we all have in common is not being Moslem – except for those who are Moslem, and, together, we will fight them to the death. And recognizing our similarities as we send the dreaded Moslems to join Muhammad in hell will make us a people who can stand together whatever other differences we have. Now, some of you may say you’d be against a worldwide religious war because it’s senseless slaughter in which millions of innocent people would die, but maybe you should look into your heart and realize the reason you’re against slaughtering Moslems is because you hate black people.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “War: What Isn’t It Good For?” and “Ending Racism Through Sexism”.

As you know by now, Republicans are all completely gay. You, me, all of us. Queer as a proverbial three Euro note (or the regular one Euro note for that matter). Sweet as an all-month sucker. It’s a proven fact. Ask any Democrat and they will assure you that it is so. Try as we may like to deny it, the allegations speak for themselves loudly, openly and proudly. We just have to deal with it. I mean there are lists! With NAMES!
And once you get listed as a gay, there’s simply no unlisting. You don’t go back in the closet, unless you coordinate very well. Even then it’s just to get dressed for an outing of some sort. You just can’t unlick the cat, so to speak. You also can’t unwrestle the snake, though I think I may have coined that term right out of hand, so to speak.
The most stunning part of all this new queer reality or queerality is the idea that we must hate ourselves and not vote for our gay brethren and sistren any ‘mo for the simple fact of our mutual gaiety. But is our own undeniably fabulous gayness a sufficient reason to do as the liberals would have us to do? To do what used to seem unthinkable namely voting for a Democrat? Or staying home and not voting for fear of supporting one of “them” (you know, us)? No, of course not, don’t be such a fag.
The Democrats pushing this crap is like the pot calling the kettle FABULOUS!
We must put aside our self hate and focus on a return to our grassroots of hating all those who hate America. Namely the Democrats. We express our hate for them by keeping them out of office. And by logical extension, the terrorists. We can expressing our hate for them by keeping them from breathing. Who hated us when we were just Americans? Who hates us doubly more now that we are gays as well? I’ll tell you who. Democrats and terrorists. TerrorCrats if you will.
After all, these two groups have demonstrated an affinity for sucking up to each other for mutual benefit time after time and then they spit all over America. Bending over backward to show their sensitivity to each other’s needs and wants. They have formed a circle of trust and openly give each other a hand when a job needs doing to hurt America. What total slimy jerks!
No I tell you TerrorCrats are the real girly men and manly girls. I call on all Republicans to not fall for this “Stay at Homo this Election Day” business. Instead we all need to “Get out the vote! Dress Flamboyant But Vote Conservative!”
Spacemonkey is the author of such books as “We’re Here, We’re WHAT!!!?!? I can’t deal with that”, and “Gay as in Happy” and “The Secret to Staying Super Straight.”

 After listening to the numerous opinions on the Iraq War, it has become quite obvious that something is happening in that country. The current state of affairs will most certainly be detrimental to the Middle East’s future unless it is beneficial or of no effect whatsoever. This goes doubly for Iraqis themselves. And I can say that with great certainty as it the opinion of the numerous pundits who have been to Iraq or read a book on Iraq or saw numerous news stories on Iraq as well as the numerous pundits who have listened to those pundits. While some (or many) may argue that some (or many) of those opinions are based more on biases than facts, it is important to remember that that doesn’t mean those opinions are wrong. Unless they are wrong… but they may not be. So keep that in mind.

 So how did Iraq end up it’s current state? This is quite directly attributable to the success or failure of the Bush Administration… unless of course things happened that were completely out of their hands. The consensus of opinion, though, is that the blame lies somewhere unless it was no one’s fault. It’s hard to argue with that… but some will anyway. Obviously, Rumsfeld underestimated the number of troops needed unless he got the number right or possibly sent too many. This caused the Iraq War to be a front or distraction to the War on Terror, which we all agree is an important fight or a blunder that never should have been started. According to those in the know, and those not in the know, and those who don’t know what they know, this should all have some or no effect on the future.

 So, is it worth the cost in the lives of our soldiers? This is a good question unless it’s missing the point. According to some and many and some of those many, the current number of American lives lost in the war is unacceptably high or very low or about what’s expected. This is quite obvious if you look to other American wars which are good measures or misleading, as the battles in them were quite similar to today except for the differences. All agree, though, that the sacrifice of our soldiers should or should not be respected as they are dying for our freedom or for no reason whatsoever. Certainly no one would celebrate those deaths other than those who do. And that’s a good/bad thing (or vice versa).

 And what about the Iraqis who died? This is important to consider unless it is irrelevant. Everyone agrees that tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands have died as a result or regardless of this war… except for those who put the number in the millions or much less. Obviously, this is a number different or the same as those who would have died under Saddam… though those number could have been exaggerated or underestimated. But life is certainly better or worse for Iraqis now if you discount those for who things have remained the same. That’s why many Iraqis are angry or happy or ambivalent, and can expect a bright or bitter future or more of the same. What experts and expert-sounding people do agree on (for the most part) is that there will be a future of some sort.

 What is important or pointless is establishing a stable democracy in Iraq. This easily attainable to impossible, but requires us to stay the course or do a completely different strategy– unless it’s more prudent to just give up. What everyone agrees on, though, is that a stable democracy is what will bring peace to region unless a friendly dictator would be more practical or we should just get out of there and not care either way.

 The Iraq War certainly is something. All agree that there is an Iraq and that stuff is happening there. Also, it is quite certain that some sort of action/inaction is required by the U.S. Less certain is whether out of the thousands of people commenting on Iraq, if any of them actually know anything. What I do know for sure, though, is that I’m hungry… unless I’m misinterpreting a feeling of nausea, that is.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Victorious Quagmire: Yet Another Book About Iraq from Someone Clamining to Know What’s He’s Talking About” and “Bacon Calms the Mind: A Look at the Root Causes of Islamic Terror”.

 The United States of America has a huge problem with illegal immigration. Many say this is the fault of America for being so super awesome that everyone wants in. This is a valid criticism. The current proposal to handle the problem is to build a wall along the Mexican border. Of course, natural selection means we’ll then cause a new breed of super-Mexicans to evolve and jump over the wall. They will not only do the jobs Americans are unwilling to do, they will do the jobs we are physically incapable of. So, what is the solution? Some say we should deport all the illegal immigrants here now, but there are millions making that infeasible. Others say we should let anyone in who wants to be here, but then we lose our border and finally our sovereignty and national security. The only real compromise I can see is to destroy all of Mexico.

 I know many of you are thinking “Isn’t destroying Mexico the same thing as amnesty?” Since Mexicans in our country would now have no where to be deported to, they would effectively get amnesty. But, we could be sure they will be loyal to America since they have no other country to be loyal to. Why do marches with a flag of a non-existent country? Also, having utterly destroyed Mexico leaving nothing but murky water filled with radioactive sharks, we could be sure no more illegal immigration will come from the south. Thus, both sides get something they want: the pro-illegal immigration is assured that Mexicans who came here just to better their families get to stay, and the anti-illegal-immigration people get to know that no more dirty Mexicans will be flowing into the country.

 You’re probably now wondering how much will this innovative solution cost? Well, the cost of the nuclear weapons needed to completely obliterate Mexico will be more than the cost of the wall, but, those are resources we own now and have already paid for. Others, especially illegal-alien sympathizers, may worry how many innocent Mexicans will die because of this. The answer is none, because no Mexicans are innocent in my mind. Still, we will give Mexico warning, and station our troops on our border so the Mexicans are forced to flee to Venezuela… or whatever is south of them. Check a map yourself, I’m busy.

 Now, unfortunately, this solution will not work for any border problems we have with Canada. While Mexico only produces burritos and tequila Mexican alcohol and clay pots – things we can get plenty of here in America – Canada has oil, something we can never have too much of. Instead, we’ll simply have to intimidate them into bowing to our will. I suggest bombing their places of worship – maples trees and hockey rinks – until they surrender. Many of them are French, so surrender is in their blood and they’ve probably been dying to capitulate to us for years.

 Thus, we see the solution to our problem of illegal immigration is as simple as bombing the crap out of one of our neighbors. This compromise will let hard working Mexicans stay with no worries of being deported while making sure we no longer have anymore influx of illegals. Thus, everyone is happy, and, as with all my plans, there is no downside. So write your Congressman and let’s get a bipartisan commission working on this right away.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “How Many Countries Is Too Many?” and “The History of the Burrito: How the Tortilla Wrapped Delicacy Was Stolen from the Irish by Thieving Mexicans and How the Irish Forgot About It Due to Heavy Drinking”.

 This morning, terrorists tried to storm the U.S. Embassy in Damascus while shouting, as Reuters put it, “religious slogans” (according to the sources of blogger Mary Katherine Ham, the religious slogans were “Jesus loves me, this I know.”). Three of the terrorists were killed and one was wounded while they succeeded in only killing one person, one of Syria’s anti-terrorism forces, and failed to even harm a single American diplomat.

 Sounds like a “moral victory” for the terrorists to me, a Kossian triumph, if you will. Their goals were not accomplished, more harm was inflicted on them than they inflicted, but they stuck to their principles while mindlessly fighting overwhelming odds, and that’s worth something. I’m not sure what it’s worth – that’s more of question for Kos, the Queen of Moral Victories – but, as terrorists find real victories much harder to attain, I think they should learn from these principled gunmen and focus on the moral victory.

 Despite what some may say, effective terrorism isn’t that easy. If orchestrated attacks against America were a simple thing, we’d certainly have seen much more of it in the past five years. What is easy and doesn’t take a lot of planning – planning that can be picked up by intelligence services – is simply charging the infidels with guns blazing.

 You can’t just charge any infidels, though; for a real moral victory, one you can clutch to in your times of darkest misery, you have to take on overwhelming odds. Unfortunately for the terrorists, they can’t hire Kos as a consultant since he’s busying trying to flip Sen. Joe Lieberman over to the Republicans – his magnum opus of moral victories – though I’m sure he’d be glad to help as long as none of the terrorists watch anything on ABC. Still, I have my own advice for terrorists who want to really show their worth by sticking to their beliefs while picking a battle they can’t possibly win: Attack heavily armed U.S. Marines head on.

 Now there are some overwhelming odds… especially if the Marines have tanks and stuff. The terrorists might think you have some chance since the Marine will probably keel over laughing when they see you charging them, but the Marines are trained to fire from keeled over positions. Actually, the only hope of victory for them is that the Marines would all suddenly have heart attacks and spontaneously drop dead; it’s extremely unlikely, but it’s hope nonetheless, and that’s all you need to pick a fight and gain a moral victory. And what a moral victory that would be for the terrorists; they would be fighting the best armed, best trained fighting force in the world. Though they would be slaughtered wholesale, they would die knowing they didn’t let rational fear keep them from attempting an unattainable victory. As they’re cut to pieces, they could rest assured they stuck to their principles.

 So, stick to your beliefs, terrorists, and go for the moral victory. Stop cowering in the shadows when you can instead fight for what you believe in against the overwhelming force of U.S. military might. Then, you can know you weren’t a cowards but instead gave it your all for what you believed it, and that’s something that you can hold onto even while you’re stuck in flames that burn but do not consume. Maybe Kos will even take a break from leading the Democrats to extinction through his own moral victories to cheer you guys on; just don’t point out that he seems a bit… well… “off”. That causes him to go completely nuts.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Understanding the Mind of a Terrorist (Now with Color Photos from the Dissection)” and “The Pied Piper of the New Age: More Proof that Kos Is Actually Karl Rove”.

 As you’ve probably seen, Al Qaeda is now trying to recruit everyone into Islam. I don’t think that will work out too well, as they’ve yet to give any reason to join their happy fun religion other than that, if we don’t, they may possibly one day successfully do another terrorist attack and kill a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of one percent of the non-Islamic population. It’s telling their recruiting campaign sticks to empty threats rather than listing the merits of Islam, because, apparently, there just aren’t any merits to list.

 What is the average Muslim? Some guy who hasn’t bathed in a week wearing a dress as he wanders the desert escorting a woman dressed like a ninja. What possible sane reason can someone name for me to want to be a part of that? Is there anything other than murderousness that Muslims succeed the rest of the population in? Have they contributed anything scientifically or culturally to the world in the past hundred years? They did get us to change our screening procedures at airports, but I’m stumped at coming up with anything more significant than that.

 To be sure, there are plenty of smart, productive Muslims… but they’re all here in Western countries run by the non-Islamic. The more Islamic a country gets, the more Godforsaken it seems to be… which really doesn’t speak well of the religion. Were you to look at the conditions of Muslims versus non-Muslims, one can only conclude that God really doesn’t like Islam. I’m not saying that’s true; I’m just saying that were one to observe things objectively, you’re forced to conclude that. The Islamic countries are pretty much the worst countries out there. Like Robinson Crusoe, they’re as primitive as can be (but more murderery). Do they even make those Korans they love to read, or are those done by independent presses here in the States? Do those dress-like garments they wear bear the labels “Made in Taiwan”? I really want to know.

 Sure, they do have oil, which, by itself, seems like a gift from God, but, when taken against everything else, it’s more like a few nickels tossed at a beggar. It’s like God gave the Islamic countries oil just to keep them around to laugh it. If it weren’t for their oil, the rest of the world would pretty much ignore them while they slaughtered each other (though some entrepreneur might film some of the carnage to sell packaged along with Bum Fights).

 Now, I know the response to this: “Sure, Muslims don’t seem very favored in this world, but wait until the rewards in the next.” Now, I haven’t read the Koran (it’s next on my reading list after Tom Clancy’s Op-Center XII: War of Eagles), but, apparently, if you blow yourself along with a room full of daycare students, you get 72 virgins in heaven. Thus, Islam seems to be out to attract sex perverts. Still, is 72 women whom you really want to spend all eternity with? I know I don’t find it to be that great an idea. Eventually, you will get tired of the sex, and will any of these women be able to give interesting opinion on the latest episode of Battlestar Gallactica or be good competition for a game of Mario Kart? I don’t know, and the Koran is silent on this issue. What I do know is, when my wife find me with 72 no-longer-virgins, heaven is going to become hell rather quickly.

 All in all, Islam seems to be full of a lot of murderous, barbaric, moron losers who obviously don’t have any girlfriends. I don’t know if Islam causes people to be murderous, barbaric, moron losers, but there certainly is a strong correlation between the two. Maybe Islam, as it now stands, happens to attract murderous, barbaric, moron losers while repelling kinder more intelligent people. I just don’t know, but what I do know is that, at this time, I’m going to have to decline Al Qaeda’s generous offer to join their religion which, by any objective measure, is quite crappy.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Glances of the Legendary: New Documented Sighting of Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and Moderate Muslims” and “The Scientific Contributions of Muslims in the Past One Hundred Years (Now with a Third Page of Pictures)”.

 People keep urging Israel to keep their responses to terrorist attacks “proportionate”. What?! Who would say such a crazy thing except those in love with war? If they kill three people, and, wanting to be proportionate, Israel kills three people, that only keeps the cycle of violence going on forever. And that is not a cycle you want to be on, because, if you do too well, the French will act all surprised when blood tests on a man reveal the presence of testosterone.

 Responses to attacks must be disproportionate to end wars. This is basic war logic that one learns on the first day of war school. Obviously, many critics of Israel have never been to war school. Also, they hate Jews… but this is common and unremarkable. What is important is to understand how disproportionate responses end wars. If you always respond proportionately, then the enemy who is bad will always know the risks with each attack since he knows exactly how you will respond. But, with disproportionate attacks, the enemy (who still is bad) will not know how you respond, for any response can happen for someone who responds disproportionately. This makes bad people who are the enemy scared.

 Let us look at real world example: If terrorists blow up a car and Israel responds proportionately by blowing up one of the terrorists’ cars, this will not scare the terrorists because they have crappy cars. Thus, terrorists will continue to blow up good Israeli cars while collecting insurance on their crappy cars when Israel responds proportionately. Now, if terrorists blow up a car and Israelis respond disproportionately by blowing up five cities – cities the terrorists like – this is much more likely to discourage the terrorists. They will think, “If Israel keeps responding in this disproportionate way, they will blow up all our cities a thousand times over by the time we destroy all their cars. We don’t want that; our stuff is in those cities.” Thus, through disproportionate responses, the conflict is ended. This is good and smart way to fight.

 Now, a disproportionate response does not have to be more than the initial attack; responding with much less is also disproportionate. Let’s say terrorists murder five Israeli families. Instead of murdering five terrorist families (a proportionate response) or nuking Mecca (disproportionate response of greater force), the Israelis could respond by kidnapping one of the terrorists’ goats and put lipstick and a dress on the goat (which would be really ridiculous since it’s a male goat). Then, the Israelis could broadcast video of the goat and everyone standing around laughing at the goat in a dress (who is also wearing lipstick). While this would be a disproportionate response, it would be unlikely to discourage bad people as much as killing and explosions do (unless terrorists fear nothing more than the public mockery of their goats; then this is a very strategic response).

 Some worry that disproportionate responses to terrorist attacks could harm civilians. My solution to this is to not worry. Civilians serve little purpose in war; whether they live or die gives little advantage to either side since they don’t fight (that’s why they are civilians). This is why I don’t understand why terrorists target civilians since those aren’t the ones they need to be worried about killing them. It may be easiest to kill little Israeli children, but they are no threat compared to older Israelis with machine guns. I guess terrorists are unable to do a proportionate response or higher since Israelis with machine guns tend to kill terrorists, so they target civilians. This is not good strategy though, as it only angers those with machine guns who were the bigger threat to begin with.

 So, to end this conflict, Israel must continue with disproportionate responses. If terrorists shoot someone, then Israel must bomb a city. If terrorist blow up a building, Israel should destroy one of the terrorists’ greatest holy symbols – the Eiffel Tower. Then terrorists become very scared and pee their pants and can’t buy new pants because they’re too busy protecting their goats from public ridicule. When the enemy is reduced to a bunch of scared people with soiled pants standing in front of their goats, then war is won and conflict is over. This you learn on last day of war school.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “If Someone Mugs You, You Mug Him Back and Kill His Family: A Guide to Self-Defense” and numerous textbooks for war class at war school.

 Some people say that the problem with the Middle East is too many people blowing up, but I’d say the opposite: All animals keep to themselves that the benefit of the Outer West is too few animals rebuilding.

 Well, I guess the opposite doesn’t make much sense, but what I will say is that the problem with the Middle East is that too few people are blowing up. What we need is more landmines.

 The problem with people in the Middle East is that terrorists have too much ability to move around. If landmines were everywhere, though, that would change everything. When a terrorist heads to blow himself up in a crowded Israeli street, he would instead get blown up on his own street as soon as he walked the door and stepped on one of the many landmines that were placed there. Soon terrorists would have to watch the ground and tip-toe carefully – and how threatening can a bunch of people on their tip-toes be?

 Some may be concerned that innocent people could be killed by these landmines. That is stupid. If someone is innocent, then why is he hanging out in the Middle East – a known haven for terrorists? I think most people know by now that, if you don’t want to get blown up, stay out of the Middle East. When the entire place is covered in landmines, people will know it all the more: Middle East = BOOM! In fact, it’s possible being exploded was invented in the Middle East. It may be the only thing invented in the Middle East.

 Princess Di used to campaign against landmines, but she died in a car crash (for which I have an alibi). Thus, landmines could become popular again. If we cover the Middle East in landmines, then we can blow up the bad people – and you know they’re bad if they’re wandering around the Middle East (who wanders but to plot!). As the saying goes: Fences make good neighbors, and landmines make terrorists stay at home unless they want get exploded.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Landmines: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Explosive Device” and “Blow Up This Book”.

 Now as Israel further continues the cycle of violence by once again responding to murder and kidnapping, peace in the Middle East seems ever more hopeless. If we ever want to have peace in the Middle East, we need even more people to do the brave thing and condemn Israel. Only that will send a clear message that violence – when committed by Jews – is wrong.

 Israel has had a long history of responding to attacks on its people, and what do they have to show for it? More attacks! Israel seems to have missed an essential fact about the area in which they live: It’s full of Muslims. Grass is green, the sky is blue, and Muslims live in corrupt dictatorships and murder people. That’s just how things are. Does Israel really think they can solve that with violent attacks against the violent? That’s madness. Israel should have known that, by their location, they were essentially agreeing to get murdered every so often; anything else is cultural ignorance. But, by joining our voices in a cry of condemnation, maybe we can wake Israel up to the fact. We’ll have to shout loud for them to hear us over Hezbollah’s bombs, but they have to hear us now.

 If you look at it, what other option does Israel have other than to stand there and take it when Muslims inevitably attack? Fighting back won’t discourage them; Muslims love getting killed and becoming martyrs. It’s like their favorite past time. Unless Israel plans to convert everyone in the Middle East to Judaism (and I know they aren’t; think of all the wangs that would need cutting), they’re going to get attacked no matter what they do. So why fight back? Unlike Muslims, Jews are supposed to know better about killing people. Do they really think they’re going to get recognized by more countries in the Middle East by reminding them how militarily impotent all those Muslim countries are? It’s foolishness, and, if only a few more of you would join me in telling Israel they are very very bad, maybe they’ll finally look past their dead to reason.

 Once we condemn Israel and get them to finally stop hurting their neighbor Muslims (who are very good at hurting each other anyway), maybe they can finally work out some treaties with those who want to murder them. They can put a limit on how many Jews can be killed a month. Of course, the Muslims will probably exceed the limit, but it’s the thought that counts. By negotiating with murderous Muslims on their terms, Israel would set an example for the rest of the world to follow.

 Israel is at war and surrounded by millions of people who want them dead, so what they need most right now is our criticism. Let’s remind them who were the ones who decided to be Jews where they are not wanted so maybe they’ll realize their folly and stop the aggression. Then we will finally have peace in the Middle East (as long as you don’t count Muslim violence — but who does?).
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “A History of Violence in the Middle East: A Brief on a Wide Range of Topics from Muslims to Islam” and “Tolerating Murder: A Guide to Cultural Sensitivity”.

 Since we started the war on terror, we have killed many terrorists. Still, there are many more terrorists out there. And, the terrorists we think we killed with guns or bombs, how can we be sure they are dead? Even if we are sure they’re dead, how can we know they won’t come back as terrorist zombies? The solution to this is obvious: we need some sort of ray to make their heads explode.

 Such a ray is quite possible to build. There is a thing called “resonance frequency” – this is a real thing I have not made up but heard from very scientifical people. If a resonance frequency of an object is reached, it vibrates and explodes. All that is needed to be done is to find the resonance frequency of terrorist heads. For this, I will need heads to experiment on. Once said frequency is found, building the ray will be easy because I have already drawn the design on a napkin (ironically, that design is so complex that, were you to try and understand it, your head would explode). Why did I use a napkin when perfectly good paper was nearby? Because napkins have a special texture good for bringing out thought. Smart people like me know this.

 Once I have the resonance frequency and millions of government dollars, I will build the head-exploding ray. Then fighting terrorists will be easy. First, we must find them. This is also easy. In a crowded area, yell, “Hey! Terrorists!” Whoever turns to answer must be terrorists. Explode their heads with ray. Soon terrorists will learn that terrorism means an exploded head. Some may still be terrorists thinking they will get 72 virgins when they go to paradise after their heads explode, but we will find the terrorists paradise and explode the virgins heads too! Nowhere is safe from the head-exploding ray!

 You may worry that the head-exploding ray will fall into the wrong hands. I worry about this too, so it will be designed with sensors to tell whether “wrong” or “right” hands are holding it. If it is in the wrong hands, it will emit an annoying buzzing sounds so that the person who has it will be like, “I really want to explode heads for the cause of evil, but that sounds is just too annoying. Foiled once again by the genius of Frank J.!”

 As you see, my plan is perfect. You are probably now worried that my intellect is so great that I can destroy cities with my mind. This is a legitimate worry. A while ago, I thought about New Orleans, and look what happened to it. Luckily, I have a short attention span, so I can’t think about anything for too long so as to totally destroy something.

 That reminds me! I have another idea to fight terrorists. As we all know, terrorists shrivel up and die when they come in contact with ham. Thus, I have designs for a device that flings hams – a device I call the ham-flinger. It is so complex, the designs had to be written on toilet paper because even a napkin could not hold such genius. I would like to describe it to you, but the English language is inadequate to properly describe something so complicated as the ham-flinger. I would have to invent my own language to tell you about it, and it would take you the rest of your life to learn the language so I could then tell you about the ham-flinger. So, instead of worrying about how the ham-flinger works, just rest assured that Frank J. is out there building something that flings ham.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Monkeys Bite! – A Guide to Monkeys” and “This Book Is Too Complicated for You to Understand”.

 If you’ve paid attention to the news, you may have noticed that there are two Koreas. Odd, but true. One China, one Japan, but two completely separate Koreas. Did they both accidentally name themselves Korea without hearing about the other? Unlikely, since these two different Koreas are right next to each other. So are they completely alike? No. Despite one huge similarity – being full of Koreans – they are quite different, and, if I had to choose just one to keep, I’d pick the southernmost Korea.

 The southernmost Korea is very nice. In fact, they’re our friends. They let us keep military bases there, which is very nice since, having a Marine brother, I know firsthand how drunken and disorderly U.S. troops tend to be (can I get an “Ooh-rah!”). Also, they have their own electronic companies to compete against the greedy Japanese (greedy like us; that’s why they’re our friends too). The southernmost Korea also made my Hyundai Santa Fe which is a very nice mid-size SUV that was cheap and came with a ten year bumper-to-bumper warranty. Finally, it’s the Koreas in the south who animate The Simpsons. Though The Simpsons aren’t as good as they used to be, the animation has only gotten even better.

 The Koreans to the north are not very nice, though. They make no electronics, no cars, and animate no shows. The only thing they export is threats of nuclear death, which is not very nice at all. Their leader is a pudgy man with poofy hair – poofy hair being the universal symbol of tyranny. Sometime, I wish those Koreas to the north would just die – and many do because they are starving. I hate starving people. Starving people are impossible to talk to while eating you’re eating a bag of chips because they’re always like, “Could I please have some of your chips? I am so hungry!” You try and change the subject, but they won’t let up on asking for your chips. Those are my chips; I bought them! Get away from me, you hungry Korean!

 You may say, “You make the Korea to the south sound so good and the one to the north sound so bad as to make it obvious which one I should like more, but isn’t it true that the Korea to the south supports slavery.” Well, you are mistaken. You are mixing up the southernmost Korea with the South from the American Civil War. What I do hear about southern Korea that is bad is that they eat dogs. That is wrong. Dog are not for eating; dogs are for hugging and biting bad people – bad people who eat dogs, perhaps. Then again, the Korea to the north will eat not just dogs but anything at all because they are so hungry. I hate hungry people! Another thing you may have heard about the southernmost Korea is they are a democracy, and I know you can name all the things wrong with democracy. But the Korea to the north is Communist, and Communism is nothing but one big wrong. For the leaders of the Korea in the north to pick Communism was just as dumb and bad as to pick having a poofy hairstyle.

 Now, if someone asks you which Korea you like better, you can say you like the southernmost one and give informed reasons as why. If they person you are talking to keeps arguing that the other is better, though, just tell him, “The northernmost Korea killed my father.” That will shut him up. It may be a lie, but the important thing is you’ll win the argument.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “North Is Up: A Frank Guide to Geography” and “A Tree Killed My Father: Why I’m Against Saving the Environment”.