Is Daily Kos a hate site as O’Reilly contends or is it a mainstream Democratic site as Markos Zuniga says? To find out, here are the opinions of noted right-wing pundit Musashi and left-wing pundit Scary Evil Monkey.
The Daily Kos Is a Hate Site
By Musashi
 Many people have fought valiantly and lost their lives in the defense of the freedom of speech, but if any of them had ever seen the Daily Kos, they would lay down their arms and say, “Oh, enemies of America, come take this crap from me.” Daily Kos does not honor the first amendment; it dishonors it with its moronic conspiracy talk and its visceral, toothless hatred. Yelling “FIRE!” in a crowded theater is not protected speech, and neither should it be protected to yell extremely retarded things while others are trying to watch a movie. This is Daily Kos, and it must be ended to honor the first amendment.

 Some say all should be left to talk, even the foolish for they may one day say something wise. Obviously, one who would say this has never seen the foolishness that is the Daily Kos. It has less chance of producing something intelligent than a thousand monkey at a thousand typewriter. It itself is feces covered monkeys at keyboards, pounding away at their keyboards all day for they are too useless to do anything else. We are all dumber for their existence. It should not be tolerated.

 Daily Kos should be shut down and everyone who participated on it will be forbidden from speaking again having now lost their freedom of speech in their stupidity. Any politician who thought so little of America as to actually patronize the fools from Kos should be run out of office and run out of the country; they are no longer Americans. If anyone from the Daily Kos dares try speaking again, he will be thrown down a well and the top will be sealed with a large rock so no human shall ever hear his voice. Perhaps when driven mad from having only themselves to listen to their insane prattle, they will kill themselves and thus, for once in their life, do something useful.
The Daily Kos Is Mainstream
By Scary Evil Monkey
dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues! u tink u is samrt wons? do u not see poll numbers for yer savior boosh? hee has 25%. dis meens dat 75% OF AMERICA WANTS TO EET UR EYEBALLS AN TURN DEM INTO POO AND THROW DE POO AT U!!!! dat manestreem opinyun now, u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues!
dis is opinyun of kos site. dey samrt site. dey all for eeting eyeballs. dis not hate. dis wut samrt peepul doo. der sum disagreement, tho. many at kos like to eet de poo stead of throwing it. i not agree wit dat but i got troll rated wen i say wee shud throw poo an not eet it. I NOT TROLL! U SUPPOSED TO THROW POO AN NOT EET IT KOS STOOPIDS! maybe sum problum der on open debate but we doo all agree on eeting ur eyeballs. much open discussion on dat topic. very intelleegent.
so u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues shud stop calling kos hate site when it samrt site of manestreem thot. we majoritee now. so be redy for wen WE EET UR EYEBALLS AN TURN DEM INTO POO AN SUM EET DAT POO WHILE I THROW DAT POO AT U!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

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During New York’s Wednesday rush hour, a steam pipe exploded, killing one person and injuring 44.
Incidents such as this make it obvious that the only sensible course of action is to withdraw from America’s insane War on Steam.

President Bush’s Hitler-like scheme of rounding up steam and putting it in concentration camps – or “pipes”, as he euphemistically calls them – is a dismal failure. It does nothing but anger the steam and cause it to lash out uncontrollably, as it did in New York, spewing a “dirty bomb” of carcinogenic asbestos into the air. We don’t have to ask “why does steam hate us?”. The answer is obvious – because America is a brutal, oppressive country with no rights, whose only goal is to prevent steam from living free.
The Bush Steam Doctrine of “contain, concentrate, condense” is absurd and unnecessary. When left unmolested, steam lives up to its name as “the vapor of peace”, seeking only to be left alone to expand or contract inversely proportional to its pressure in accordance with the sacred texts of the Prophet Boyle.
It’s only Bush’s fascist policy of trying to maintain complete control over steam’s movement that has brought this current horror upon us. To be truthful, we deserve it. Who are we to judge the rightness of wrongness of our moist and gaseous fellow-travelers on Spaceship Earth? Should we consider ourselves “superior” to warm, dissipated moisture?
Hardly.
The time has come to admit our failures, both military and moral, and stop treating innocent steam with an automatic assumption of guilt. We must release the steam from the “pipes” we’ve confined it to and let it roam freely.
The only sensible course of action is to bring our plumbers home, and end our government’s policy of cruelty. It’s time to withdraw from the War on Steam.

America must stop trying to be the world’s teakettle.

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Boiling Mad: Stihad in America” and “Hot & Wet: A Pictoral History of Steamy Love Scenes”.

Free speech is a sacred right in America, but is being critical of military actions in the time of war unpatriotic since it may help the enemy? To look into that question, IMAO is proud to present the opinions of noted right-wing blogger Frank J. and respected left-wing blogger Scary Evil Monkey to give you both sides.
Anyone Who Publicly Criticizes the War Is an Unpatriotic Little Douche
By Frank J.
 So we have a military conflict headed by generals with tons of knowledge and information none of us have access to, so why does anyone think they want the opinion of some goober who read a few newspaper articles online?

 Freedom of speech is important, but war is a special thing because lives and perhaps our entire country are on the line. The time to argue against a war is before it starts, and if the American people don’t listen to your homo baby whining about how we can solve conflicts through hugs — and they usually don’t — then once the war starts, it’s time to shut your stupid mouth from which your intellectual diarrhea constantly flows.

 What does arguing against a war achieve? It convinces the enemy we might give up and keeps them fighting — thus getting more people killed on both sides. If the loser whiny dillholes win out with their constant shrieking and finally cause us to retreat, then that will further convince our enemies we can be beaten causing them to draw us into even more conflicts and getting even more people killed. So why do people speak out against a war while their countrymen are currently getting shot at? Well, the chance of them knowing anything the generals don’t know is essentially nil, so the only reason they speak out is for their own arrogance — because it makes them feel smart. So, the public dissenters of the war think feeling good about themselves is more important than human lives and their country — that sounds like someone we can definitively label an unpatriotic little douche to me.

 I’m not saying they shouldn’t be allowed to speak, I’m just saying it would be less harmful if those people actually picked up a gun, went out on the battlefield, and shot at our troops — at least then they’d be eliminated quickly. Also, I’m saying I should be allowed my own freedom of expression to bash their faces in. And, my speech expression will actually achieve something useful for our country — namely bashing the faces in of unpatriotic douches. If those who feel they need to speak out against the war want to really help their country, they should kill themselves.
End the War Now or I Will Eat Your Eyeballs, Turn Them into Poo, and Throw the Poo at You
By Scary Evil Monkey
dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues! u maid war too maik halleeburton rich but now u all weel die! ur surge has failed! u cannot defeet the islamomonkeys an dey weel cum an blow u up for trying! u worship boosh but hee dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jue just lik de rest of u. everee wun hoo not a dum stoopid neocon heelbilly jue now turn on u. merryica now becum home of us monkeys. den u no wut happens?
I EET UR EYEBALLS! DEN I TURN DE EYEBALLS INTO POO AN I THROW DE POO AT U! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
u ar dooomed! u weel soon leev irak. den wee weel mak u leev afganeestan. u reed daily kos. dat hoo rul frum now on. maybee u bee gud an dey let u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues liv… BUT PROBLY NOT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
after wee eet ur eyeballs, turn de eyeballs into poo an throw de poo at u, mee an my kos freends WEEL EET DE POO AGAIN, TURN IT INTO MOR POO, AN THROW DAT POO AT U!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!!!!

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Recently, the Humane Society of the United States protested the 21st Annual Star Island Yacht Club Shark Tournament. The HSUS – a fanatical animal rights organization – was incensed that sharks – which have declined in population by over 80% in the last 50 years – were being festively slaughtered for sport.
Their point being, I suppose, that it’s unconscionable to kill vicious, flesh-eating predators if you have fun while doing it.
I have a hard time disagreeing. I mean, why would you NOT want more bloodthirsty, savage, aquatic killing-machines patrolling our coastal waters? Would YOU want to live in a world where it’s perfectly safe to swim, surf, and scuba dive near the shorelines of a heavily populated area? I know I wouldn’t! If nothing else, it helps keep the riff-raff & trailer trash off the beaches. I get enough of those visual atrocities at Wal-Mart, thank you very much!
Yet it seems to me that the HSUS is being elitist, if not downright speciesist, when it comes to choosing which spillers of innocent blood they fight to protect. It’s common knowledge that the most dangerous predator on Earth is MAN. Specifically Chuck Norris and Fred Thompson, but other humans have been known to pose a threat on occasion, too.

Lately, the biggest non-Chuck-non-Fred threat to human life has been Islamic terrorists. Why isn’t the HSUS doing something to protect them? Not a day goes by that the headlines don’t splash the horrific death toll of our precious dwindling terrorist resources. Granted, five or ten splattered Hadjis may not sound like a big loss, but that constant trickle of corpses adds up. Coddling Allah’s Islamic Radicals (CAIR) estimates that over 100,000 terrorists have been lost since 9/11, and their remaining numbers keep spiraling downward.
I find this repugnant.
A species is a species and endangered is endangered. Sure, terrorists lack the grandeur of the elephant or the cuddly, photogenic appeal of a Panda bear. And yes, they smell bad, oppress women, and plot the global genocide of all non-Muslims. Hey, they can’t ALL be baby Harp Seals! But if HSUS can fight for the rights of an animal that smells like a Red Lobster dumpster in August, why can’t it fight for an animal that likes to blow up women and children? At least it’s a MAMMAL for cryin’ out loud!
The fact is, if we don’t stop the insane slaughter of our dangerously fanatical – yet charmingly quirky – Muslim brethren, soon there won’t be a single terrorist left alive on earth! I can’t imagine the shame of trying to explain to my grandchildren that – because I did nothing – he can only see filthy, butchering Jihadists in picture books or Guantanamo.
Well, if HSUS is going to drop the ball on this one, I certainly won’t! It’s time to get organized! Call your congressman! Call the President! Speak out in whatever forum is available to you! Worst case, start one of web-blob thingies! If you’re a hot chick, post naked pictures of yourself on your MySpace page in protest. Or just send them directly to me. Whichever. It doesn’t matter, as long as you make your voice heard!
If we don’t do something now, there will soon come a day when crazed Islamofascists are just a faded memory, never again to grace our planet with their murderous majesty.
And I can’t think of anything more tragic.
Can you?
Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Red Lobster: Genocidal Hate Criminals” and “Nude Photography for Righteously Indignant Hot Chicks”.

 Remember right after 9/11 how jumpy we were with each fire and explosion that was reported on the news. We knew that is was an inevitable that the terrorists would strike again and the only question was when and how. Yes, more than five and a half years later, there has been no terrorists attacks on U.S. soil. Some will point to other terrorist attacks abroad, but that even more emphasizes the point that, while terrorists are still effective in other, smaller countries, they have been unable to do another attack in the huge target that is the U.S. — even when, as many argue, terrorists hate us more than ever. So, what’s changed since that first attack?

• We’re in numerous messy wars with no end in sight.
• We have an odd and incoherent homeland security.
• Our border situation is out of control.
• The President is hugely unpopular.
   Obviously, the only conclusion is that these are the ingredients to an effective defense against terrorism.

The only one who knows how to fight terrorism.

 Some may mock that conclusion, saying that President Bush’s action have contributed to the risk of terrorism and that it’s pure luck America hasn’t been attacked again. That’s an idiotic conclusion, though. President Bush has been batting a thousand in the area of terrorism and we have no idea how many curve balls he has been thrown. To argue that it’s luck is like arguing that Mount Rushmore is a natural geological occurrence. The only logical conclusion is that President Bush has purposely orchestrated a effective strategy against terrorism that none of us has the wisdom to understand.

 Yes, it seems counter-intuitive, and many “terrorism experts” will argue that much of what President Bush has accomplished — such as the border problems — has increased the risk of terrorism, but ask yourself this: Who is the only actual terrorism expert? Who is the only one with experience of effectively stopping terrorism on U.S. soil? No one other than President Bush fits that description; everyone else is just a blow hard on that issue. If anyone, Democrat or Republican, says he can be more effective in fighting terror, ask him, “How do you improve on ‘no terrorism’? Are you going to get the terrorist to come over here and bake us yummy cakes?” We currently have a so far a flawless stratagem against terrorism, and anyone who argues to change it is arguing suicide. If a Presidential candidate says, “I will end the war and unite the public behind me,” he might as well add, “and get us all killed by terrorists.”

 It’s popular to be against the President right now, but if you think the most important job of the federal government is national security (because, without that, we have nothing) then you can’t argue anything other than President Bush has been one hundred percent effective in office since 9/11. You may not like the policies or like him, but, unless an attack succeeds on our soil, you have to say that what he has done has worked despite your objections. I still don’t like President Bush, though, but I don’t think he wants me to like him… and he obviously knows what he’s doing.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Mustaches and Muttonchops: A Ranking of U.S. Presidents Based on Facial Hair” and “1000 Uses for a Dead Terrorist: A Rainy Day Fun Book”.

Like most Americans, accused terrorist mastermind Russell Defreitas had a dream.
In fact, his life was a series of dreams. Several of them fulfilled, one of them cruelly denied.
He left Guyana 30 years ago, seeking a dream of a better life in the US, which he realized. Then, he realized his dream of becoming a citizen of his new country. And after getting a job at JFK Airport as a cargo handler, he realized – as most working Americans eventually do – that his dream sucked. So he got a new dream.
Blowing up JFK Airport.
Sure, it’s probably not YOUR dream, and it’s definitely not mine since it contains neither cheerleaders nor Reddi-Wip, but does that really matter? Does our Constitution not say that “all dreams are created equal”? Are they not therefore all equally deserving of respect and admiration?

And what of Russell’s motivation? He said that one reason for doing this was that he “wanted to do something to get those bastards”. Who among us has NOT gone to work at one time or another thinking just that very thing? True, most people limit themselves to passive-aggressive pranks like unplugging someone’s mouse or putting Ex-Lax in the coffee, but – magnitude aside – we can ALL relate, right?
The fact is, Russell was a visionary ahead of his time. The seeds of his ambitious plan to wreak deadly havoc on innocent civilians actually sprouted several years before the 9/11 attacks. One can just imagine his frustration on that September morning, realizing that his goal of grabbing world attention had been overshadowed by 19 people who had done it first and done it better.
But did he give up? Did he just sigh and mope and say “I’ll never be as good as those lucky Saudis”?
HELL no!
He did what any good American would do. He cranked it up a notch! He dared to dream bigger! Bolder! Blow-uppier! He vowed to create a terrorist attack that would make 9/11 look like a damp firecracker!
He envisioned a plan to destroy not just an few planes, but terminal buildings, fuel tanks, and miles of fuel pipeline.
His lofty ambition, however, was not without its share of equally lofty obstacles to overcome.
He needed help bringing his project to fruition. Sadly, thanks to the depradations of George Bush’s Crusade on Islam, the Al Qaeda members he tried to contact were either too busy or too dead to provide him with the assistance he needed. Still, his pluck and determination would not allow his hope to die. So, in the best MacGuyver-like tradition of Yankee ingenuity, he managed to make do with what he could find – some wide-eyed idealists from Trinidad. Yes, Russell had indeed taken lemons and made lemonade.
Things were looking up for this eager beaver. He even won the admiration of the FBI, who described Russell and his crew as “a very determined group”. It’s such determination which built this nation, so why shouldn’t it destroy it, too?
Unfortunately, Russell’s dreams were crushed under the jack-booted heel of President Bush, who had known about the project for months. I can’t believe the thoughtlessness of this man! Why didn’t he say something right away instead of teasing the poor guy and stringing him along like that? Even worse was Bush’s complete lack of support for this plan. I mean, Russell played by the rules in coming to this country and he actually became a citizen. I’ll bet that if Mr. Defreitas had snuck into the US illegally, Bush would’ve given him government grants and all the explosives he wanted, just like he did for all the Mexicans!
My theory is that, since the target was JFK airport, Bush couldn’t stand the thought of competing for attention with headlines about a president who makes him feel inferior! Too bad Russell didn’t plan to take out the Hoover Dam!
I think it’s tragic that in Bush’s America, Russell couldn’t get the help or explosives he needed to reach his goal. More good American terrorist jobs go overseas, and our President does nothing!
Most of all, though, it makes me ashamed to live in a country where chasing your dreams is no longer considered a laudable objective. When Joey Chestnut broke the world hot dog eating record, he got a year’s supply of hot dogs and a $250 gift card to the mall. But all Russell Defreitas got for trying to set a record for killing people in a domestic terrorist attack was the short end of the stick.
Shame on you, George Bush, you dirty dreamstealer.
Shame on you.
Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “”Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie, and Exploded Pipelines: What America Means to Me”” and “Terrorists in Trinidad: A Shopper’s Guide”.

 If someone came up to you and started rattling off the reasons that the moon landing was faked, could you respond?

 “You can see the flag wave in the wind! And the photos lacked stars! And they all would have died traveling through the Van Allen radiation belt!”

 If you’re like most Americans, you’d know the guy is a crank but you would have no idea how to respond to each of his crazed points other than to punch him in his dumb monkey face and yell, “You’re a crank! Stop with the mouth moving and the sound coming out of it, you nitwit!”

 A political ambush is hard to respond to in a reasonable fashion, because the crank controls the battlefield by spouting out “facts” you are ill-prepared for. Any idiot can read some article or some internet ramblings and then recite them to the unsuspecting… and many idiots do. The fool then thinks he won the debate when all he’s done is left you confused and surprised.

There’s no wind on the moon, but the flag is waving! And where are the stars?

 This is why many sympathized with poor Elisabeth Hasselbeck who was met with this scenario constantly and on live television with no escape. Hasselbeck already had to deal with the insufferable and pea-brained Joy Behar who could recite Democrat talking points with the near accuracy of a trained parrot — annoying but predictable — but then came the raging monstrosity of Rosie O’Donnell. She’s pure hate and stupidity squished into one amorphous blob with but one goal: To make people think it’s smart. Rosie had the public’s laughter — as any clown could claim — but she wanted their respect. So she — through either design or through accident of her chubby fingers mistyping as they mashed against her sticky keyboard — came to websites with ideas even outside the mainstream of what’s referred to as “liberal thought.”

 “When I tell the people these things they don’t know, I will be the smart one!” she burbled to herself as her many chins were lit by the glow of her nacho cheese-stained monitor. “They will love and respect me!”

 Of course, to look smart, it helps to have another look dumb, and Rosie had the perfect foil in Elisabeth Hasselbeck, as that woman dared to be everything Rosie wasn’t: slim, blond, attractive, and heterosexual. Worst yet, Hasselbeck was a Republican, and, by the understanding Rosie had as taught by her friends in Hollywood, people only became Republicans as an expression of their love of evil.

 So Rosie spouted her shiny new ideas aimed at the young Hasselbeck with Behar snickering all the while out of a nervous habit of incomprehension. Many criticized Hasselbeck for not standing in front of the charging, lesbian rhino, meeting force with force, but that ignores the ambush taking place and that Hasselbeck is no pundit — she is only as well informed as any regular American. How could she be prepared for the assertion that the World Trade Center Building 7 was blown up by the government? And if someone came up to you and loudly and obnoxiously stated that fire could not melt steel, how long would it take you to recover from the shock of the surrealness of the situation to respond?

 Hasselbeck had not signed on to fight against a hippopotamus thrashing about in waters of ignorance and conspiracy, but she tried in her own meek manner. The second time the WTC 7 was brought up, she was prepared to meet Rosie with some facts, but she was then broadsided by statements that Giuliani had shuttled steel off to China as a cover up. Lesson learned: You can’t stay ahead of a crank — not unless you’re willing to search out the facts of every single wacko conspiracy out there like some sort of Wikipedia Brown.

 But while Rosie thought she won the debate on stage since Hasselbeck never rose to meet her fury, she was not prepared for the reaction of the public at large. Apparently people took the “facts” Rosie put out there and then followed them to their logical conclusions. This caught Rosie off guard because she lacks the mental capacity to reach those logical conclusions herself. It may seem obvious to you that if someone states that our troops killed 655,000 Iraqis and then asks, “Who are the real terrorists?”, the implication is that our troops are terrorists. But Rosie was really just asking a question she didn’t know the answer to. She thought she could just spout things she read on the internet and sound smart; she had no idea people would put any meaning to the things she was saying. Thus the real pain in her eyes when she asked Hasselbeck, “Do you believe I think the troops are terrorists?” The correct answer would be, “No, I don’t believe you have any political thought quite that coherent.”

 How the now despised Rosie lashed out at little Hasselbeck, a warthog snarling at a bunny. Her attempts to look smart and gain love and respect had failed horribly, and her only consolation was batting around the blond woman in front of a studio audience. But finally Hasselbeck struck back, meeting the blubbering intensity of Rosie with equal passion. Thoroughly defeated, she called Hasselbeck a coward and quickly waddled away to her swamp to write her faux-poetry on her blog which resembled what one would expect to be the result if one of those signing chimps were taught to type. And cheer we all did, for Hasselbeck, no greater than the rest of us, struck a blow for all those ever cornered by an obnoxious idiot so fool and pitiful as to convince himself that he’s smart.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist who is against the idea of women being left alone to chat about politics.

In reaction to the death of Jerry Falwell, there has been celebration on the left-wing side of the blogosphere. Similar things have happen when Tony Snow became ill again, with commenters and even posters in the left-wing blogosphere wishing ill will on him and his family. Is the wishing of violence and death upon those they disagree with an anomaly of the left-wing blogosphere or something indicative of a bigger problem with that culture? IMAO is proud to present the opinions of noted right-wing blogger Frank J. and respected left-wing blogger Scary Evil Monkey to give you both sides.
Conservative Bloggers Should Express Sincere Hope That Someone in Markos Zuniga’s Family Will Get Cancer
By Frank J.
 I was never a fan of Jerry Falwell, but by reading all the elation on the left-wing blogosphere of his death, I can’t help but think how there was no such celebration when Saddam was hung. Does anyone think they’ll be this happy when Osama bin Laden dies? Absolutely not. They don’t have hate for those who murder the innocent and cut off heads. No, it’s people like Dick Cheney and Tony Snow they reserve such hate for, as the only “enemy” they really hate are people in America who dare have different viewpoints than them or espouse Christianity. Liberal are inhuman scum. Let me repeat that: They are scum of a non-human variety. And, like everything that isn’t human, we are better off when it dies.

 In fact, I would argue that it is such a boon to America every time someone on the left-wing blogosphere dies, that it is cause for celebration. Real celebration with a keg of beer and phat tunes. Perhaps just a cheap keg of Coors Light when it’s merely a comment poster or DU troll who dies, but it’s certainly worth pulling out the checkbook and getting a keg of Guinness if a top left-wing blogger dies or gets a horrible, terminal illness. We should all draw strength from the suffering of these nutroots scum, and we should use that strength to party awesome hard.

 Remember how Markos Zuniga, the venomous Kos, once said “Screw Them” of contractors brutally murdered by terrorists in Iraq? I think everyone would agree with me on saying that it would be a glorious thing if he would get cancer and die painfully. In fact, it would be great — and I’m sure other right-wing bloggers such as Glenn Reynolds, Michelle Malkin, and Jonah Goldberg would back me up on this — if instead the person getting the cancer were someone in Zuniga’s family that he deeply cared about. How cool would it be to know that Zuniga, whose viewpoints I don’t care for, had to watch someone he cares about die slowly and in an extremely horrible fashion? It would be super cool. Thus, we should all wish death and disease on Zuniga’s family. I’d say we should pray to Jesus for it, but He just texted me saying He doesn’t want any part of this. Obviously, Jesus hasn’t been reading the left-wing blogs if that’s the way He feels.
I Will Eat Jerry Falwell’s Eyes, Turn It Into Poo, and Throw the Poo at You
By Scary Evil Monkey
yess! happee happee day! a nother dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jue is dead! falwell bad dum christin man now ded. my freends at kos an huffy post agree dat we shood all pay proper respect to po dum ded christin heelbilly neocon jue. no how we pay respect to heem?
I EET HIS EYEBALLS! DEN I TURN THE EYEBALLS INTO POO AN I THROW THE POO AT U! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues weel all soon be like falwell! u weel be ded with no eyes an covered in poo! we at kos and huffy post weel control merica! we keel u all with help of islamo monkey freends! dey hate dum bad christin jues like u but they like us cause dey no wee smart. dey weel join us in eeting ur eyeballs and throwing the poo at u while u run a round wondering wut happening since u no see since ur eyeballs ar now poo. u dum stoopid christin jues hoo want to yell at kos and hurt islamo monkeys deserve nothing better than to be covered in eyes made into poo. and then u die like ur hero falwell. reel problem for merica is not islamo monkeys. reel problem is that u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues ar alive and not ded.
now i go vote in kos poll on hoo won gop debate. ron paul only one of u hoo make sense. we agree he best. u all to dum to vote for heem which is why we hope u die like falwell and we eet ur eyes.
PREPARE TO DIE! I CAN ALMOST TASTE UR EYEBALLS NOW! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I hope you enjoyed this debate and hearing both sides of the issue. Please give us feedback so we here at IMAO can serve your needs better.

 Recently in Lewiston, Maine, a middle school student was suspended – and rightfully so – for the hate crime of placing a ham steak on a lunch table where Muslim Somali students were sitting. Sadly, instead of treating this grotesque offense with the seriousness it deserved, insensitive jerk Nicholas Plagman of Associated Content actually wrote a parody of the original news story, treating this serious subject with levity, as though it were merely a harmless prank instead of a repugnant assault on someone’s religious beliefs.
I am outraged.

 So I’m taking a cue from Toledo Blade columnist Dan Simpson, who wisely seized the opportunity of the Virginia Tech shootings to propose a sane and practical plan for forcibly disarming America’s dangerous gun nuts. I’ve come up with a sensible program for de-hamifying our swine-flesh-saturated country. After all, it’s not enough to complain about the problem. One must be part of the solution.
The first step, of course, is to admit that we, as a nation, have a problem. According to PeTA and other unimpeachable sources, ham and its associated hog-derived food items are directly responsible for over 200 million deaths in this country each year. Now, the government-controlled media craftily hides this fact by fudging the statistics, euphemistically blaming the deaths on “obesity” or “heart disease” or “falling into a rendering vat”, but this doesn’t chance the FACT that pigs are always the root cause. However, the MOST tragic consequence of America’s Hoggy Holocaust is that these ham-tastic delicacies are an unforgivable insult to our Muslim brethren, driving even the calmest of Allah-worshippers into an uncontrollable, ululating, American-murdering frenzy. The simple truth is that if it weren’t for all the ham in this country, 9/11 never would’ve happened.
Sadly, America’s unconscionable hatred-by-ham has done nothing but escalate since then. I’m always reading people suggesting (as a “joke”, of course) that our troops should dip their bullets in bacon grease before shooting terrorists in order to send them directly to Hell – do not pass Paradise, do not collect 72 virgins. I cannot begin to describe the depth of my disgust at statements like this. I don’t have a problem with filling someone so full of lead that you could use them as nuclear reactor shielding, but I draw the line at callously insulting someone’s religion!
So to save America from both cholesterol and terrorists, I say that the government needs to get serious about implementing a final solution to our porky problem. We could call it the “War on Ham” and model it after other successful government programs, such as the War on Poverty and the War on Drugs, both of which managed to completely eradicate their target problems within a few short years of being implemented.
Here’s how it would work (NOTE: for the sake of brevity, I’ll use the term “ham”, but it would also include bacon, pork rinds, chitlins, etc.):
First, pass a federal law making ham possession a felony punishable by a $1000 fine or a year on a tofu diet. People would then have a three-month amnesty to deposit their offending meat without penalty at a government collection center. The collected ham could then be safely disposed of by having the UN distribute it to the French, since no one cares if they get heart disease or blown up by terrorists.
Sure, the Washington lobbyists for Big Pig will start chucking lawyers at this left and right, but since most of them would be Jewish and sympathetic to our cause, this fight’ll be over in no time. Then, after our nation is safely sow-free, we can get to work on averting America’s next looming crisis by enforcing mandatory cow-worship before the Hindu Street rises up and destroys us all.
Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Soooo-Wee! Sow-free For Me!” and “Udders on the Altar: A Beginner’s Guide to Bovine Adulation”.

 In the wake of the Virginia Tech shootings, I’ve seen a lot of people putting the blame on guns. “We need more gun control laws”, they say… “If we didn’t have so many guns in this country, this never would’ve happened”, they say… “Stupid Second Amendment! I’ll get you for this!” they say.

 Slow down there, Sparky! The fact is, guns were already prohibited on the Virginia Tech campus. Having another anti-gun law would be as pointless as outlawing murder, and I don’t hear anybody calling for that.
The truth is that these anti-gun wackos are barking up the wrong constitutional doctrine. The problem lies with the First Amendment, not the Second.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with speeching and pressing and religioning and redressing. It’s that assembling thing that makes these killing sprees possible. When people get together in large groups, all they’re really doing is providing an irresistable target-rich environment, enticing psychopaths to start blasting away. It’s like wearing a short skirt and skimpy top while walking down a street – might as well hand out engraved invitations.
Oh, I know what you’re going to say. “We need the right of assembly. Groups of angry citizens mobbing together is one of the last lines of defense against a tyrannical government that oversteps it’s bounds”.
Feh.
Worked really good for the Chinese in Tiananmen Square, didn’t it? What are you going to do? Stop a tank by standing in front of it holding a couple shopping bags? That might’ve worked 200 years ago, but tanks were much smaller then.
The fact is, freedom of assembly is just an archaic holdover from a bygone era. In today’s modern age, people have NO REASON to physically get together in large groups. Technology has provided us with e-mail, and telephones, and blogs, and on-line shopping. Everything that used to require physical proximity can now be accomplished virtually. The problem is that our Consitution is just as archaic as the ridiculous “freedom” it enshrines. It needs to be updated to reflect modern realities.
However, Constitutional amendments are notoriously hard to pass (heck the last one took over 200 years), and the fact is, we don’t need to do away with public assembly COMPLETELY – be kinda hard to get laid that way – we just need to modify our outdated notions a bit, and live within a more reasonable framework of interpersonal gathering modalities. You know, pass a few prudent laws that sensibly restrict, rather than repeal.
For example, it’s tragically obvious at this point that allowing people to assemble for the purpose of education has – without exception – ended in mass murder every time it’s been tried. Why not have virtual classrooms? Each student and teacher securely locked away in their own homes, learning via some sort of Skype & Webcam arrangement? Can’t have a school shooting without a school, and no one’s ever been murdered in the safety of their own home. If only we as a nation had taken this logical and obvious approach earlier! How many lives would’ve been saved?
Of course, this is only a first step. The sad fact is that other forms of assembly would remain to be dealt with. Work places, malls, parks, orgies, Tupperware parties… all knowingly flaunting their tempting, shootable flesh, driving the disturbed among us mad with unquenchable desire… eventually something would have to be done about those, too. Maybe some judicious amendment-editing IS in order. Even a simple addition like “right of the people peaceably to assemble – one to a room” might be enough.
Anyway, thank you for reading, and please support this common sense approach to tragedy prevention.
Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Get Out of Here! This Is MY Room!” and “Should the Right To Assemble Include C++?”.

 As I see images of the Iraq war on TV, I can’t help but think what a huge waste it all is. So many promises were made before it all started, but they are so hollow now. The other day, I met a soldier returning from Iraq, and I asked him, “What do you think you’re doing over there?”

 He told me, “We’re helping the Iraqi people become free and secure.”

 Of course, I then spat on him. My car doesn’t run on democratically elected Iraqis.

 We were told this was a war for oil. That’s something I could get behind. It was something I could understand. I pay tax money, and, in return, the government sends rough men out to seize cheap oil on my behalf. It’s been four years; we should have sucked the place dry by now. Instead, we were trying to do what? Create a democratic Iraq? It’s a war, not a social science project!

 I have heard from numerous troops how much they like helping the Iraqi. Well, I guess it’s all well and fine then if they enjoy it. Then again it is on my dime. What do you soldiers think you were given assault rifles for? So you could hand out books to school children? So I’m supposed to sit here at tolerate rising gas prices while my tax money is going to fund the military acting like the international version of the book mobile?

They’re foreign. Kill them.

 When the did the military ever get it in its head that it’s supposed to help people? The only thing it’s supposed to help people do is kick the oxygen habit. We fund our soldiers for one purpose and one purpose only: To kill foreigners. All of them. I don’t care what their race, creed, or religion is; if they are foreign, then make them dead. Our sovereignty and our gas budgets are going to always be at risk as long as foreignness are allowed to exist. That’s why the founding father formed a standing army and sent them out with but one instruction: Kill! Thus, it should be of no concern to our troops whether a foreigner is free or not free. They should only judge foreigners as dead or not dead.

 Really; there are no shades of gray here. It’s just a binary equation. If a foreigner is in state “not dead” then change him to state “dead.” If “dead,” then move on. It’s so simple, an elementary computer program could do it. Actually, there is no reason we can’t have robots with quite basic programming roaming the country side killing foreigners; is there like some union for the military that keeps troops from being replaced with machines? If not, just give me some grant money and I’ll make you those robots. They’ll constantly refuel themselves by eating small children. Then, if anyone complains about the kill-bots, you can just say, “Sorry. We can’t do anything about them. They’ve gone crazy and their out of our control.”

 I think that’s something people would be proud to have their tax money fund.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam” and “Children Are Our Future of Alternative Fuel”.

 There is a growing menace in our country, one greater than anything else we face. This group of people is a continuing threat to our way of life. They are inhuman beasts and incapable of restraint. I am speaking of course of celebrities. They have great power and great irresponsibility, using their influence to further the cause of stupidity and licentiousness while going on crazed, drug-addled rampages. They think that, because of their power, they are above the standards of normal people. They are a continuing and growing danger, and that’s why we have to give celebrities the attention they warrant.

 The first step is a Celebrity Registration Act. It will put into law that all celebrities must register with either the government or People magazine. The public must then be notified whenever a registered celebrity is coming to their town or mall’s opening. Registration is only the first step, though. Next, they must be monitored. The most dangerous celebrities should be followed with cameras at all times, their every move recorded and broadcast to a concerned public. More minor celebrity threats only need be monitored periodically in a “Where Are They Now” segment on a cable channel.
To make tracking easier, celebrities should be simple code designation made from from character strings such as “J-Lo” or “K-Fed.” Tracking results should be published weekly in journals made available to the public at the library or in the check-out line at supermarkets. For especially concerned citizens, they should be able to have those journals delivered to their home at substantial savings off the cover price.
When celebrities step outside the law or befall tragedy, it is most important that all Americans hear about it. Repeatedly. Such news should have precedence over anything else that is happening either domestically or foreign. Nothing should concern us more. All aspects of any surrounding trial should be scrutinized publicly, and any tidbit about it — no matter how minor it seems — should be shared with the American people. To help reform celebrities, certain out of the way places should be designated to allow them to detox. Only under these special conditions can monitoring of a celebrity cease.
Because of the menace and vile influence of celebrities, their coupling is of great concern to us. If any are to marry, we must know immediately and be allowed to see photos. No celebrity marriage should ever be allowed to happen in secret. Of even greater importance is whether celebrities have children, creating and even more vapid generation of celebrities to come. Thus, if video is ever found of one of them engaged in the act of reproduction, it should be made available on the internet at once. When one produces spawn, pictures of the baby must be made public as soon as possible… even if the said pictures cost millions. Also, whatever weird alien name celebrities give their children should be put in the news over and over until we know the names better than that of our own kids.
The threat of celebrities can only be diminished if we pay them constant attention. That’s why everything I propose should be put into effect yesterday. Also, celebrities should have to respond to my e-mails.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam” and “The Big Book of Famous Celebrities You’ve Never Heard Of”.

 Many people disagree with me. Some of those people even live in this great nation of ours. I call these disagreeable people “liberals.” Usually I find these people entertaining for they would walk around and say their crazy things and then I would throw stuff at them (often batteries) and laugh. But, in this time of war, there are more important things than laughing at people and throwing stuff at them. Plus, I need to save the batteries for emergency purposes if terrorists attack. These liberals only get in the way in time of war and make our troops and, more importantly, me angry. The many stupid dumb things they say only make this country worse. So we should round them up and put them into camps.

 You’re probably saying, “Frank, you can’t just round up everyone who disagrees with you and put them in camps.” You are right. I need your help to do this. There are many people who need to be rounded up and they are not very bright and will be easily confused, so getting all these people rounded up will require many people, time, and patience. Plus, we will need trucks or something to bring these people to the camps after the rounding up. Alternatively, we’ll need large crates and postage.
“But won’t the liberals not like being rounded up and put in camps? Haven’t they been whining about that possibility for some time.” True, but you know how these people are. Right now they act like they don’t want to go to camp, but, by the end of summer, they’ll be begging to stay. Which is good because they’ll be in camp forever. Also, anyone who tries to escape will be shot in the face as is standard practice.
Camp will be great fun, too. They will have swimming, badminton, and macaroni art. They will also make wallets which you can buy. For those of you who are saying, “But I don’t want my money in anything those liberals touched!” that’s a bad attitude. Please support the camp because liberals tried hard to make these wallets. One activity in the camp was going to be reeducation, but then I saw how dumb liberals are and decided reeducation would be too hard. Instead of reeducation, there will be a three-legged race.
So where should the camps be? I don’t know, as I’m not good with geography. All I know is that I don’t want them near me because liberals whine a lot and I don’t want to have to hear that when I’m on my back porch smoking a cigar. Also, it could cause my dog to bark. Again, I’m not good with geography, so I’m not sure where not near me is. Someone who has a map should look up where I am and then not put the camps there.
This is a great plan that you should support. In this time of war, other countries will see America united together because everyone who doesn’t unite will be in camps. This will scare other countries and their leaders will pee themselves in public venues. The troops will be happy because everyone in America will support them and their mission because, once again, those who don’t support them will be in camps. Also, the troops will have new wallets.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam” and “People Who Disagree with Me Should Be Hit with This Book” which is now available in hardcover edition.

 Democrats have lost their way, lost their minds, and lost their balls, so it logically proceeds that they want to lose the war. What I don’t understand is why do we have to put up with these losers? Yes, they were elected, but they were obviously elected by other losers and everyone whose opinion counts hates losers. As my dad used to say to me every time before the start of my little league games, “If you lose, I’ll beat you until Child Welfare Services takes you away. I don’t tolerate losers because America is for winners.” His words are as true today as they were then, but it seems we now have a country more tolerant of losers. And who tolerates the losers? Other losers. Thus only one solution exists: Deport the losers.

 Rounding up losers and deporting them would technically be an easy feat since losers never put up much resistance (it’s why they’re losers). The problem is that, because of an erroneous interpretation of the Founding Fathers’ intent, randomly deporting American citizens is considered unconstitutional. This would be easy to fix by making a new amendment to the Constitution that simply states “America is for winners.” Then the Supreme Court would be forced to conclude that, since America is for winners, losers shouldn’t be in America and must be deported.

 This would be an easy amendment to pass since losers tend to think they’re winners (even though it it obvious to actual winners that they are losers). When the amendment is passed, an Unwinner Activities Council would have to be formed to root out losers infiltrated into American society. The Council would be composed of winners like war heroes and football players (winning football players – and not from that gay European football). When losers are identified, they would be put into those big metal cargo crates and shipped to whatever country we hate the most so the losers can help that country lose wars. And, other countries would be forced to accept our losers because we’re winners. You don’t want to mess with winners.

 When America is returned to being exclusively to winners, we can finally win all those wars and other stuff since there will no longer be anyone around saying, “Hey. Know what? We should lose.” That’s loser talk, and it won’t be heard in America anymore unless that person wants to be deported. Then, full of only winners, America will be so great that all the world shall tremble at our might.

 Because we’re winners.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam” and “Winners Would Buy This Book”.

 I think the silliest thing about the left-wing nutters is this “reality based” world they live; it’s sort of like a role playing game based on the real world and sit in their basements pretending their blog posting and internet petitions are saving America from being overtaken by fascism. “I’m a level five activist with an enchanted placard of influence!” Because these people are completely worthless and have nothing else in life, so politics can’t simply be about competing view points about how to get to the same end, they need to prop it up to being a struggle to save the world. It’s silly and inane, but it makes them feel important. Also, it makes me want to kick them in the balls and shout, “Loser!” for the sake of their education.

 Of course, such self-inflation isn’t monopolized by liberal weenies. The Democrats have won an election which brings the inevitably brings out whiny fears from the right about the Dems destroying our country. Many on the right are sure their issue is under attack, and, as goes their pet issue, thus goes the fate of mankind. For instance, I don’t know how I got on these mailing lists, but everyday I get like fifty different e-mails about how President Bush is about to sell our sovereignty to Mexico with such over hyped urgency I just want to shout, “Bitch, be cool!”

 Now, there are a lot of problems in the world today… but for reference, I should mention there were a lot of problems in the world yesterday. Plus, there will still be plenty tomorrow. The one thing I know about handling problems is that it helps to project strength, and you don’t project strength about getting bloody hysterical about every issue out there. Is running around like Chicken Little showing strength? No, he was voice by Zach Braff. Is Zach Braff manly? Not at all!

 “But Frank!” you say (well, not you, my readers – one of those hysterical people I’m talking about), “There are real problems out there with illegal immigration and Muslims!” Yes, there are real problems out there that should be handled, but there’s a difference between recognizing a wasp can sting you and it will hurt and jumping up and down on a table and screaming because a wasp is in the room.

 For instance, let’s look at two issues that conservatives tend to be concerned (or too concerned) about: illegal immigration and the spread of Muslim extremists (often in the same circle known simply as “Muslims”). With illegal immigration, we have an uncontrolled border in which Mexicans and sometimes terrorists slip through. The Mexicans harm the economy by taking jobs away from Americans. Many also don’t speak English and don’t emulate our culture.

 But that’s it!

 Sure, it’s plenty and a problem that must be addressed, but it’s not going to destroy the country. I mean, really, how do some of the alarmist think the Mexicans are going to take over the country? “If we don’t handle this problem RIGHT NOW then one day you’ll turn around and then there will be nothing but Mexicans and then they’ll… uh… and take their sombreros and…” And why is it that the main people I see going on and on about how illegal immigration is going to destroy our country not anyone who has a job that a Mexican can steal? I know there are some out there, but so many people so overly concerned with illegal immigration aren’t directly affected at all – which is a red flag when you’re looking for real concern versus puffed up invented concern. If you’re one of those people with a ranch near the border and want to join the Minutemen, more power to you. Everyone else, just chill. And those who think the government is secretly plotting to form a North American Union, please commit yourself to the nearest institution.

 As for the Islamic extremists, there are plenty of them and they are plotting to kill us right now. Also plotting to kill you: the ant colony you accidentally stepped on. Yes, the Muslims are a greater threat, but they have about as much chance of taking over the world and imposing Sharia on everyone as the ants have of taking over the world and making us work in their underground sugar mines. Nitwits with bombs are very bad and we must make every effort we can to stop them, but as bad as things get, it’s still going to be a million times more likely you’ll die in a car crash than because of a Muslim.

 “But they’re growing in number and their population will overtake Europe and…” Oh, shut up. Sure, extremists will gain ground in some areas, but the whole thing collapses when any of those idiots actually tries to hold power. You may think the most radical Muslims are immune from reality, but reality, which is very large and often very angry, is not scared of Islamists. Reality is plotting to crush them even as we speak.

 A wise man once said, “If you see ten troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that nine will run into the ditch before they reach you.” To put it another way, stop freaking out thinking that every problem in the distance is about to run you over. Handle things for what they are, but don’t pretend every issue is some struggle to save the soul of the world. If you want to pretend to be important, go play “reality based” Dungeons & Dragons in a basement with some Kos Kid. Or, better yet, be a real conservative and face things for what they are instead of being a hysterical little girl. If you don’t, it could be the end of society as we know it.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam” and “Shades of Evil: America’s Growing Tree Threat”.