EDITOR’S NOTE: This sermon has been edited for language. This is a political blog, not some church Democrats go to.
 When Moses finally escaped the Egyptians, he turned to God and asked, “There could surely be no one as bad at those people?” God said to Moses, “Yes there are. Beware the honkeys. Beware the crackers. Especially beware the Jews. I hate all those people. Frankly, if you blow up their buildings, that’s okay with me.”

 That wisdom speaks even more to us today as we are beset by honkeys. America is a country founded by crackers and run by Jews that exists for no other reason than to kill black people. They invented AIDS to kill us. They made crack to drug us. They use hidden ninjas to stage black on black violence. Hillary does not understand this. In fact, she’s busy in her hollowed out volcano working on AIDS version two. That’s why they are scared of a black man being president, because he will cut the millions of dollars that go to black genocide and instead invest that money where God says it should be: In killing honkey!

 Yes, they will stop at nothing to keep the black man out of power and from his rightful job of cracker-cide. That’s why they spread the rumors about Obama. They say he’s inexperienced and he’ll be a disaster. That’s not an argument against him, because America deserves a disaster! So they try to say he’s secretly a Muslim. Again, that’s not an argument against him, because maybe he should be a Muslim. They’re doing God’s work: Blowing up the honkeys and the Jews. So only reason that all those crackers oppose Obama is that they know he’s going to succeed at what he promises: Killing the honkeys!

 Now some tell me that we shouldn’t be for killing the honkeys. We should just turn the other cheek. Who says this? That cracker Jesus! Well, answer me this: Has Jesus ever been called a [n-word]? Did anyone invent AIDS to kill Jesus? Well, maybe Jesus should not be lecturing the black man on what he should and should not be doing. As we speak, the government is working on plans to send all black people to Venus! That’s right: NASA is going to send us to Venus where it is inhospitable to life and we will all die. So what does Jesus have to say about that? Nothing! God bless Jesus? No. God [expletive] Jesus! To hell with him! Throw his cracker ass out of here!

 Remember the story of Samson. When the Jews tricked him out of his strength, they chained him up so all the crackers could come and laugh at him. So, he turned to God with one last prayer and screamed, “I hate the honkeys!” which granted him a final burst of strength to kill them all. Though the crackers may now be keeping us down, we can have one final prayer to kill them all. That prayer is Obama… though his campaign would like me to remind you that I in know way speak for him. Amen.
Jeremiah Wright was until recently the Pastor of Trinity United Church of Christ, and has been the spiritual adviser of the Obamas for twenty years (though he would like to distance himself from some of the anti-American statements of Michelle Obama). Now retired, he hopes to finally read that Bible he’s been hearing so much about. He hates the honkeys.

 My father taught me a lesson that sometimes you just have to cut your losses. Having tried for the umpteenth time to teach me to clean up my room after playing with Legos, he decided it was a losing, pointless battle and drove me out to the woods and abandoned me. Eventually, by making my way to the road and hitchhiking (most people aren’t too wary of six-year-old hitchhikers) I made it home and was much more diligent about picking up my Legos. Of course, I could have never made it home, and my father knew that. The point was, that wasn’t his problem anymore. He washed his hands of it and it was up to me now to sink or swim. It’s time to apply that perspective to the Democratic Party.

 The Democratic Party is on the verge of civil war. Two charismatic leaders are pulling it apart, setting the factions of black people and elite white women against each other. There will be blood, and I don’t see any reason why America should be in the middle of it when it happens. We’ve interfered enough, trying to prop up one of this leaders we think will be friendlier to us, but there is nothing but disaster on the horizon. We need to cut our losses and abandon the Democratic Party.

 I know many of you will be resistant to the idea as we’ve invested so much time and money in it, but what have we gained? Democrats have always been a stumbling block for our country, and so much of our tax money goes to their aid. Do you ever see that changing, or do you see it getting worse? Be honest. And you can’t say we haven’t tried all we can to help the Democrats. We even tried introducing them to democracy, but they came up with idea of superdelegates to subvert that. As many argued, the culture of the Democrats just won’t allow them to ever accept democracy or other American ideals, so why do we keep banging our heads against the wall trying to change them?

 America should have no more involvement with the Democratic Party. No matter what we do, it is going to collapse into chaos. When that happens, we should not be anywhere near the Democrats. I know its harsh to say we should abandon them, but it should not be our problem anymore. Maybe one day they’ll find their way out of the woods and learn to pick up their Legos, but if they don’t, we should not lose any sleep over a fate of their own doing. I know my father wouldn’t.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of numerous abandoned manuscripts.

 I would like to thank Frank J. for the opportunity to officially distance myself from this website and all the crap on it. I plan to run a campaign respectful to Senators Clinton and Obama and disrespectful to you annoying little “conservatives” who try and make me look bad.

 I swear, I’m going to win the presidency, and I don’t need your whining about campaign finance reform and the illegal brown people to ruin it! You right-wing weirdos — especially you freaks on the internet — are nothing but a liability. If you could just learn to shut up about your pansy-ass issues, I could cruise to victory. I hate you people so much, but if you could just be quiet vote for me at the end of the day, we can all get through this. I just need you to cut down on crap like this website.

 You know how you don’t like my campaign finance reform bill? Well, I’m starting to think it was a bad bill since sites likes this IDBO — or whatever the hell you call it — are still legal. A staffer showed me it the other day, and it’s just a bunch of crap about monkeys and fighting the moon. I don’t want the taint of any of you people on my campaign. I’m not a pariah among elite society like you jackasses, and I want to keep it that way. You think putting an afro on Senator Obama to make him look like a black man is funny? Know what else is funny? My foot up your ass!

 Let me make this clear: You guys are nuts and I hate you. If I didn’t need your votes, I would never come within a hundred miles of you “conservatives.” I’m starting to think I hate you more than the gooks who tortured back in Vietnam. That said, you snot-nosed punks better get in line and rally behind me even while I curse your mothers for having given birth to you. If you want to win the war in Iraq and keep this country strong, I’m your only option you little snot-nosed punks. If you think some of the bills I’ve sponsored are bad so far, just wait until what I introduce if I’m still in the Senate in 2009, bitches. I will make your lives hell.

 That’s your choice. You can stay home and let someone surrender our country (with all due respect the honorable Senators Clinton and Obama) and have me forever seeking revenge against you, or you can vote for me come November. And if you all behave really well, maybe I’ll choose a running mate who doesn’t live to piss all over you right-wingers every chance he gets.

 But don’t count on it. I just hate you all so @#$% much.

 And I need your vote.
John McCain is a U.S. Senator from Arizona and the presumptive Republican nominee for president in the 2008 election. His favorite hobbies are being angry and pissing off conservatives.

 Iraq continues to be a serious problem, and the Bush administration has done nothing but increase the problem and cause unnecessary deaths. It is a mess, but I have a solution: I would never have gone there.

 The Iraq War will be a big problem to inherit, but it would not be if we hadn’t have gone there. That’s why that is my solution. People ask me, “Won’t leaving Iraq now be abandoning the Iraqi people?” Well, it wouldn’t be abandoning them if we hadn’t had gone there. “What about a civil war?” others ask, to which I say there would be no civil war if Saddam were still in charge because we didn’t go to Iraq. As you can see, not having gone to Iraq easily solves all these problems.

 As for Al Qaeda in Iraq, I don’t think they would be a problem if we hadn’t had gone. Maybe they already were there and working with some support from Saddam, but I still think not having gone there is a risk worth taking. You may worry about all the terrorists there and whether they have intentions for attacking America, but you wouldn’t if we hadn’t had gone.

 Senator John McCain questions whether I have experience enough to deal with Iraq, but the fact is that he’s old. No one faints at his rallies… unless they forgot their heart medication because they’re as old as he is. And I do have experience: Experience at not going to war. That’s why not having gone to Iraq is the perfect solution for me. It’s one I’m uniquely able to espouse and have been consistent on. Years ago I said we shouldn’t invade Iraq, and that is still my solution.

 A few have said that not going to Iraq isn’t a solution anymore since we already have gone there. I hear your concern and I have three words for you: Hope. Change. The future.

 That’s right: The future. And not just any future; a future where we look forward and say, “We shouldn’t have gone to Iraq.”
Barack Obama is a U.S. Senator from Illinois who enjoys nap time and finger painting. He is running for president.

 Chocolate. Peanut butter. Each great things on their own, but when Albert Einstein discovered the two could be combined into something even greater, he was rightly hailed as a genius. Hope and change are each great things on their own, but I say it’s time we combine them into a tasty peanut butter cup of progress.

 The American people seem to be desperate for hope and change. At each of my campaign stops, people come to me and say, “Osama…” — not my actual name, but I’m used to it — “…I like hope. I like change. I like kittens and bunny rabbits. But which should I choose?” I say to these future hopers and changers that there is no need to choose. We can have both hope and change, and then the kittens and the bunny rabbits will come when they sense the great hope and change that America has. With hope and change, anything is possible.

 People talk about all the problems in the Middle East and how it seems America can do nothing but make it worse. To them I ask: Have you tried hope? Have you tried change? Have you tried hoping for change? I call that “hange” which should not be confused with “chope” which is the changing of hope. If we are worried about Iran getting nuclear weapons, then we should sit down with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and offer him hope. Who needs nuclear weapons when you are protected by hope? As for Pakistan we should offer them change in the form of bombing them or something. If that doesn’t work, then we can try offering them hope as well. And, as you know, I vow that we will get our troops out of Iraq. Better yet, I hope we will get our troops out of Iraq. Why? Because it’s a change. A change backed by hope.

 Some say I’m arguing we should change in small jumps, but a small jump is a hop, not a hope. What I offer you that no other candidate does it change together with hope. Try and keep that straight even if you keep confusing my name with America’s number one enemy. And these are not empty words; hope and change are solutions. They are things I believe in. In the eight times I showed up for a vote in the Senate, when they called my name I said loudly and proudly, “I vote for hope!” When they told me I couldn’t do that, I changed my vote to “present.” But know that each of those are really a vote for either hope or change. Hope and change are what solve our problems. If you have a problem, I say you try applying hope to it. If that doesn’t work, try change. If the problem persists, try hope once more. Then make sure it’s plugged in. This should solve most any problem, or at least it helped when I had trouble with my new computer.

 So why do we need both hope and change? Isn’t hope enough? Let me tell you a story. One night when the baby was crying and smelled horrible, my wife and I tried to solve the situations through hope. It didn’t work. Change was needed. Similarly, once a homeless man came to me and asked for change. I offered him hope, but he was not satisfied. You see, hope must be backed by change.

 Am I saying all hope and change is good? No. One change I don’t like is when people change my name to “Osama.” Please stop that. I know it’s only a one letter difference and easy to confuse, but come on. As for hope, I am against hope that America will be destroyed. That’s just something my wife and I will have to agree to disagree about. Am I saying that hope and change can solve everything? No. I have yet to come up with a hope and change solution to an asteroid heading towards earth, but I am working on it. So as your president, I will do my best to sort good hope from bad hope and good change from bad change and occasionally use something other than hope or change if needed. Still, I will strive to use both hope and change for most everything, and I will task our best philosophers on using hope and change to protect us from all things, including asteroids. And zombies.

 So, for the cause of a greater America, can we combine hope and change? Yes we can, America. Yes we can.

 Or so I hope.
Barack Obama is a U.S. Senator from Illinois whose greatest accomplishment is having written this editorial for IMAO… though most of it was borrowed from a previous work by Deval Patrick.

 One day when I was but a young boy, I was walking down the street with my dad to the hardware store. He suddenly stopped, crossed the street and punched a man. When he returned, I ask, “Father, why did you punch that man?”

 He turned to me and said, “That’s a stupid question.” Then he punched me.

 It was a stupid question, because who my dad punched was a hippie. Back then, everyone knew that you punched hippies, but I’ve noticed that this knowledge may not be being passed on to the next generation. If there’s one thing I’ve realized over the past few years is that hippies are not being punched quite enough, and I think the recent incident with Berkeley and the Marines shows the problem of not enough hippie punching. If hippies aren’t punched on a consistent basis, they get cocky and will try all sorts of crazy thing. I mean, really, hippies insulting Marines and not expecting a punching? That’s a major breakdown in our societal structure.

 So what has led to this dearth in hippie punching? Breakdown in family structure? Loss of prayer in school? Increasing childhood obesity? Prevalence of non-violent videogames? Whatever the reason, I think we need to spend more time telling the next generation the importance of striking hippies in the face with a fist. No functional society has survived hippies running around unpunched, and America will be similarly doomed if we don’t change our ways.

 You may say, “Well I punch hippies; I’m doing my part.” But after punching a hippie, do you take the time to explain to those around you why you punched the hippie? This may seem like a lot to do for someone who has a job and personal responsibilities — which you have since you’re not a hippie — but if even just one man hears your words of inspiration and then punches some filthy hippie, wasn’t it time well spent?

 We have a war right now. Our military is overseas killing terrorists — the violent form of the hippie — so they can’t be here punching hippies for us. We have to do that ourselves. To keep this a country safe for soldiers to kill evil foreigners without hearing whiny protests, we have to make it unsafe for hippies.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such children’s books as “My First Hippie I Punched” and “Don’t Feel Sorry for Poor People”.

Though it may be unpopular to some who are obviously motivated by racial bigotry, I support a path to citizenship for illegal aliens. This path will provide the fair shake they deserve and does not discriminate against them based on their race, creed, country of origen, or wetness of back. This enlightened path will lead them home, a home where local culture is respected.
Many illegal immigrants are hard working souls. The miniscule amount of work this path requires of them shouldn’t scare them even a little bit. If it does, then well maybe they aren’t nearly as hard working as we’ve been led to believe.
A Path To Citizenship.
Step 1: The path starts where the illegal immigrant currently is. It will vary from individual to individual. This is an obvious step because if it started somewhere else there would be no way for these hard working, well intentioned people to begin.

Step 2: Next the path to citizenship leads to a country where they hold legal citizenship. This part of the path should be simple for the illegal immigrant to identify and follow as it can involve the same means of transportation that brought them to the Step1 location. Answers to questions such as “where was I born” and “where do I send my checks?” will be clues to locating a suitable country. This is an important step as it removes their illegal status as well as their immigrant status. What if they are very far from a land where they have citizenship? Good news! The path also does not discriminate on the basis of distance to the illegal immigrant’s home country. The path to citizenship did not drag them here, the path will however drag them out of here.
Step 3: The path proceeds to a US consulate or embassy in the nation they end up at (see step 2). On arrival there, the intended emigrees should be escorted directly to the back of the line. This is the traditional and time honored place in line that they have earned. There is no skipping down the path or in the line! The work begins here and it’s paperwork. A process has been designed to enable them to petition for legal entry into the U.S. The document created by this process is called a VISA. Until a VISA is obtained the path ends, as it is the ticket for the rest of the path.
Step 4: Now that a VISA has been obtained, the path leads back to the U.S. through a legal border crossing or port of entry. There are several kinds of VISA but they will all allow foreign nationals to enter the U.S. 100% sneak-free! It is the document that an undocumented person doesn’t have. Some VISAs also permit non citizens to reside in the US legally for a set period of time limited by certain conditions such as law abidance, student status, employment and a few others.
Step 5: The path now doesn’t have a particular direction other than from a place of residence to a place of employment. But as long as they reside in the US for the period of time required by law, learn the native language, take and pass the citizenship test and swear the oath of citizenship, then they will have followed this novel path to citizenship.
It isn’t a perfect path but for over 231 years not uncounted and not untold thousands upon thousands of their former and our current countrymen and countrywomen have been using it successfully. We truly are a nation of immigrants. But If it were a nation of illegal immigrants we would not be one nation.
Illegals, Get A VISA,
We Don’t Offer American Express.
Spacemonkey is the author of such books as “No, te puede!”, “.45 Caliber Amnesty”, and “If Your Culture Is So Frickin’ Great, Why Can’t IT Make You A Job?” published under the pen name Celestial Simian.

The venerable Archbishop of Canterbury has criticized America’s imperialism, saying that the United States wields its power in a way that is worse than Britain during its imperial heyday.
I find myself agreeing with him.
Britain TOTALLY kicked ass at imperialism! They had subject nations all around the globe. Back when England actually owned a set of bollocks, billions of primitive brown & yellow peoples learned to speak English, dress in suits, and drink tea instead of cow urine.
Ok, so that last one wasn’t necessarily a step up, but I think I make my point. England RULED! They were naming entire races of people “Indians” and subjugating the crap out of them centuries before the first Kennedy crashed his Oldsmobile into Plymouth Rock.

And speaking of Kennedys, judging by Ted, we’re doing an unconscionably poor job of starving the Irish, too.
How have we fallen so far? Our heritage is rooted deeply in the tyrannical stock of our jackbooted British ancestors, yet when Americans crusade across the ocean to liberate their little brown brothers… they actually liberate the PEOPLE! What incompetence! First you liberate their land, their cattle, their gold,… and a few of the comlier wenches (strictly for purposes of pleasure, mind you, not to actually – heaven forbid – breed with the filthy savages), THEN you start getting around to tossing out a bone or two of political liberty. IF they can prove their worth through prolonged armed resistance.
Or dressing in diapers & letting themselves be clubbed into bloody pulp. Either one.
Yet what have we so-called “imperialist” Americans accomplished in Iraq? NOTHING! The Iraqis can vote! They can own property! They don’t even have to bow and avert their eyes when an American walks by! Why, the arrogant sand-mongrels aren’t even possessed of sufficient decency or gratitude to make English their country’s official language – AND WE’RE NOT FORCING THE BASTARDS TO DO IT!
That whirring sound you hear is Queen Victoria spinning in her grave at around the same speed as a NASCAR motor at redline.
And those post election-pictures coming out of Iraq, showing people celebrating their political freedom by holding up their freshly-inked fingers – Digusting! Horrid! Blasphemy against the very notion of imperialism itself! The only Iraqis who should have inky fingers are the indentured servants in American-owned Iraqi newspaper factories, which should DAMN well only print headlines like “American Benevolence Cheered by Unworthy Yet Devotedly Loyal Middle Eastern Slave Scum”.
I take no joy in writing these words, but America’s attempts at imperialism are so half-hearted, so feeble, so stupefyingly inept, that we might as well hoist le Tricolore, print all our legal documents in French, and subjugate ourselves to our superiors in Paris.

Maybe being forced under penalty of death to drink their lighter-fluid-flavored wines and laugh at Jerry Lewis movies will teach us how an empire is SUPPOSED to be run.

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Ronald McDonald: America’s Archbishop” and “Bootlicking & Genuflection: An Iranian Survival Guide for the Coming Invasion”.

 Many uneasy of electing evil, hideous, inhuman beast, which is why cave troll offers himself as alternative to Hillary in Democratic primary. While cave troll can not honestly claim to care about puny humans, he promise only to kill them if hungry. Will you get a similar promise from Hillary? Do not make cave troll laugh! Seriously, that causes cave ins.

 Cave troll has long accomplished record of guarding cave (it’s not like me claim experience for being married to one who guards cave). I smash many human and tiny hobbits. I bring this direct problem solving to the presidency. Unlike Hillary, cave troll will tell you exactly what he thinks on issues. Like torture: Cave troll against torture. Torture too complex for cave troll’s giant hands. Cave troll only like to smash and make dead. And if you ask cave troll about drivers license for illegal immigrants, cave troll will not dodge question. Cave troll smash!

 Cave troll not only give opinions. Cave troll also offer solutions. Here is cave troll’s solutions for important issues:
* Tax Cuts for Rich: Cave troll smash with club!
* Illegal Wiretaps: Cave troll smash with fist!
* Social Security: Cave troll smash with war hammer! (but leave benefits for seniors and those about to retire unaffected; cave troll not stupid)
* Homelessness: Me eat homeless!
* Racism: Cave troll stomp!
* Illegal Immigration: Unsolvable.

 You should also know that cave troll was always against invading Iraq. Why does Iraq have to do with cave troll’s cave? Nothing, so it of not importance to cave troll. Great wisdom there. If you elect cave troll, you know troops will come home soon. They will have to so they can fight cave troll! Graaah!

 If you look at issues, you will see that cave troll obvious better choice for president than monstrous Hillary. Me hope you consider voting for cave troll in Democratic primary and bring Democratic party back to its roots. And, though me eat humans, know that afterwards I always leave tip.
Cave troll is a cave troll.

After the all of endless days of the California fire quagmire, it’s time for America to admit that it can’t win this battle. We must immediately withdraw our forces and go home. But until our so-called “leaders” in Washington wise up to the folly of their current course, all we can do is ask ourselves, “why does fire hate us?”.
The roots go deep.

In the 12th century, when Europe was suffering through it’s Dark Ages, fire was the most enlightened thing on the planet. It provided warmth and illumination to those who were wise in its ways. Truly it was the engine of civilization.
Fire has never forgotten this, though apparently WE have, and our ingratitude to our betters galls them.
We think ourselves so sophisticated with our electricity and our central heating, but if fire hadn’t paved the way for us, we’d be lost.
We offend fire by occupying the holy lands of burnable, burnable forests with our “fireless” nuclear power plants, claiming that we are “better than mere flames”. We laugh at fire’s “primitiveness” and “simplicity”.
Well, apparently fire is stronger than we think, as it continues to prove itself unstoppable despite our recent surge of extinguishing agents. Water, and by extension America, is no match for such a primal force.
How foolish fighting fire is. And what a waste of resources in a country where there are children without health insurance.
And it’s no wonder fire hates us. We’ve been demonizing it ever since the first cinematic Frankenstein monster said “Fire bad!”. We tell our children not to play with matches or they’ll wet the bed. We won’t even allow lighters on airline flights! Even before the fire is made, it’s assumed to be evil by its very nature. Plus we only allow fire the most menial of jobs in this country – barbecues, fireplaces, scented candles – is it any wonder that fire resents us so deeply?
I, for one, don’t blame it. And I am ashamed to be an American.
Of course, even though I understand fire’s anger, I certainly don’t think violence is the answer. Naturally, like all decent people, I don’t approve of fires raging through California. Still, I think we should at least consider containment as an option, rather than direct confrontation. Give fire a certain area of land to live as it pleases, and only react if it takes the initiative to cross borders. At that point, we should definitely consider economic sanctions.
I believe in co-existence. I think we can get along peaceably with fire if we just set our pride aside and give it some of what it wants.

After all, it’s not called “the combustion of peace” for nothing.

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Genocide: Smokey the Bear’s Brutal Crusade Against Fire” and “Heat + Fuel + Oxygen = Fun!”.

I never thought I’d see the day, but I agree with Jesse Jackson.
Reverend Rhymes-A-Lot is defending the actions of six black youths who beat a white kid into blood-soaked unconsciousness because they were angry at something some other white people did.

Personally, I can’t see anything wrong with what the Jena 6 did. Let’s face it – white people have gotten away with so much for so long that there’s no reason NOT to beat them up. They must’ve done SOMETHING wrong lately – after all, they’re WHITE – but just because the punishment doesn’t directly fit the unknown possible alleged crime that they probably committed when no one was looking doesn’t mean that the beating wasn’t well-deserved in some greater cosmic-karmic sense of the word.
And I speak from personal experience. I grew up in a small and agonizingly Caucasian town in Wisconsin. I wasn’t lucky enough to have African-Americans around to administer the beatings I so richly deserved for being an overweight, undermuscled, pale-skinned, chess-playing, glasses-wearing twerp. And look at me NOW! I’m just some nerd hiding behind a keyboard, whoring out my writing talents by typing up right-wing satires of left-wing parodies of stories about right-wing politicians. If only there’d been a dozen strong, brown hands to encourage me to mend my ways by teaching me the meaning of pain!
But it’s not just MY life that could be improved by inter-racial pummelling. The fact is, it’s been scientifically proven that beating up white people will give you better grades in school and greater financial success if you’re also stealing their lunch money and making them do your homework. Don’t you want this for YOUR children? Do you honestly want to risk having them grow up like ME? Do you hate your blessed offspring THAT much?
If you care about the future, you will join Jesse Jackson and I our quest to make it possible for people of color to batter any white devil into a coma without fear of unfair and racist legal retribution.
And let me toss out an idea that’ll make this country even safer from the terror of uncontrollable white-itude. We should have a government program that actually PAYS young black men to travel the country to put the whup-ass on honky skulls. Sorta like the Peace Corps, except with violence.

It’s just a dream at this point, but I think it’s one worth pursuing. After all, is there REALLY any price too high to pay to keep another white child from turning out like me?

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Walloping Whitey for a Better Tomorrow” and “I Like My Assailants Like I Like My Coffee – Strong, Black, and Bitter”.

On the University of Maryland campus, a small noose was found hanging from a tree near a cultural center that houses the black faculty association and a black newspaper. I, for one, am absolutely outraged by this travesty!
Look at that pathetic thing! You call that a noose? The damn thing’s so small, you couldn’t even hang a Democrat’s sense of decency with it! It took ’em two weeks before anyone even noticed it was there.

And what’d they make it out of, anyway? That sure as hell isn’t rope. Looks like a bunch of hippies pooled their hemp necklaces and braided them all together. And what in the name of John Edwards kind of sissy-pants braiding IS that? If you’re going to make a respectable noose, you make it out of three strand hawser-laid jute or don’t even bother tossing it over the tree branch.
And don’t even get me started on the knot at the end. Hell my mother gets closer to a Hangman’s Knot when she’s knitting. It’s supposed to have 13 coils.
THIRTEEN, people!
How can you send a man to hell if you don’t have thirteen coils?
Heck, even that turd Saddam got seven.
This miserable twist of emo-goth neck-deco didn’t even have three.
Look, I understand that colleges these days mostly only teach PC BS like bi-lesbian tree-dancing and whatnot, but you’d think they could toss in just one lousy credit of Stringing People Up 101. What are these poor kids gonna do if someone steals their horse someday? You don’t put a horse thief in time out! Ya hoist ‘im up like a bird feeder & let the vultures do the rest.

Yeah, I know people don’t ride horses anymore, but we’ve still got plenty of Congressmen & journalists whose necks are too short, so I think my point remains valid.

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Executioning: A Career Guide For Teenagers” and “Rope: Not Just For Kinky Sex Anymore”.

 I remember that back in the 80s when I was but a wee child there were a people called Communists. They were very bad, but we also had Rambo and he killed them. Thus we felt safe and happy and would say, “Yea, though there be Communists, verily there is John Rambo to kill them. Things are well in the world.”

 Today, there no longer are Communists since Rambo killed them all with explosive arrows, but there are terrorists. “Who will kill the terrorists?” we ask, and it is a good question. I think it is the responsibility of the government to kill terrorists. My reasoning on it is thusly: Terrorists live and plot in many different foreign countries with lots of different wacky laws. Thus, it’s much easier for the U.S. government to stomp around ignoring those laws than it is for individuals. If I went into those countries to kill terrorists, those countries would say, “Hey, Frank. You are ignoring are laws. You go to prison now.” And they would take me to wacky foreign prison, and I would not be able to resist because there would be many of them and they would be mean. But the U.S. government is even bigger and meaner and thus can ignore stupid foreign laws to kill the terrorists.

 Since it is resolved it’s the government’s job to kill terrorists, who in the government should kill them? The I.R.S? Congress? Those nine old people who tell us what the Constitution means? No, I don’t think any of those people are properly equipped to kill terrorists. When I think of who in the government could be good at killing terrorists, I think of the military. They have guns and training at killing. They seem to be the perfect candidates for killing terrorists. Thus I say that our military should be tasked with killing terrorists.

 Now that I’ve logically proved that the U.S. military should kill terrorists, it seems strange that some people would want to pull troops out of the Middle East. That’s where the terrorists are! I guess eventually they’ll come to us a few at a time, but it is so much more efficient to go over there and kill them en masse. When people say, “No! Bring the troops home!” I say, “But there aren’t many terrorists at home. They are over there. You are being silly.” Why would we move the troops? Who is more important to kill than the terrorists? The Swedes? Certainly not.

 When someone tells you we should bring the troops back, ask him who does he think will then kill the terrorists. When he inevitably gives you a dumb answer, punch him in the face as should be the punishment for answers that are stupid. As is obvious, the U.S. military should kill terrorists.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Police Should Arrest Criminals” and “Tax Collectors Should Collect Taxes (Or, Preferably, Drop Dead).”

Last Monday, two punk kids threw a plastic soda bottle containing pool cleaner and tinfoil at “Flying Imam” Didmar Faja outside a mosque in Phoenix, Arizona.
And they missed him by 25 feet.
TWENTY FIVE FEET!
What the hell’s the matter with kids these days? Why, back in my day, when folks threw bottles of caustic chemicals at troublesome minorities, the brown fella usually ended up with a concussion from getting hit right in the noggin, in addition to chemical burns.
Of course, back then, soda bottles were made out of glass, not that faggoty plastic crap you see nowadays. Yes sir, they cared about QUALITY back then! You could drop a freakin’ ELEPHANT with a Coke bottle when I was a kid.

And the chemicals! We had gallons of lye & sulfuric acid just laying around under the sink. And they didn’t have those stupid “child-proof caps” – which are just a conspiracy by the Democrats to allow retarded kids to live long enough to vote, anyway.
Yup. Folks knew how to keep those uppity minorities in line back in the good old days. Why, if a colored guy were to file a law suit over a bunch o’ nuthin’ like these “Flying Imams” jerks did, they’d burn a cross on his lawn. Shut him right up.
Course, you can’t burn a CROSS on a Muslim’s lawn. Partly ‘cuz Muslims don’t have lawns. Just big piles of sand in their front yards, so they don’t get so homesick for the “old country”. Keep their furnaces roarin’ straight through the summer, too. Anyway, a cross wouldn’t work, because it don’t mean anything to them goofy camel-riding carpet-lickers. You’d have to use something that they cared about. Like a moon, or a star, or a horseshoe, or whatever Lucky Charms marshmallow they worship.
But it wasn’t just chemicals & burnin’ stuff that kept the brownies in line back then. We’d chase ’em around with dogs, too. That probably wouldn’t work with a Muslim, though, ‘cuz they eat dogs. Or maybe that’s Koreans. Poofy-haired bastards. I’ve got half a mind to throw a bottle at one right now. Anyway, I know you could scare a Muslim really good by chasing him with a pig. Or a shrimp cocktail. At least, I’m pretty sure there’s some bunch of Middle Easters that’re frightened by shellfish. All I know is that the more minorities are runnin’ scared, the better off America is.
Or WAS. You dirty punk kids with your piercings & your iPods… ya can’t even fling a decent projectile with your tatted-up spaghetti-arms. Nah. Not you, ya lazy bastards. Maybe you should put down your NinSony WiiStations, get out in the back yard, and play a little Pepper until you can at least hit the broad side of a barn!
I tell ya, the whole generation’s a disappointment. Pretty soon the colored’s are gonna be runnin’ the place.

Now get offa my lawn and go practice throwing eggs down at the 7-11 until you can knock the turban off the clerk’s head.

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Why Can’t More Black People Be White Like Michael Jackson?” and “America’s Youth Will Never Amount To Diddly Squat”.

 America makes me happy. It is full of sunshine, trees, and shiny buildings, and anytime you want a burrito, it is very easy to obtain one. It is the happiest country in the world. It has a flag of red, white, and blue which are very happy colors. Any time I see the flag, it makes me happy. America is such a happy country, it makes me happy just thinking of America… and even happier to be in America while thinking of America.

 One of the happiest things in America is its freedom. You have freedom to say whatever you want in America, even if you want to say unhappy things. You can walk out and say, “The government is suppressing my speech!” and no one will stop you because we are free in America. In other countries, if you said, “The government is suppressing my speech!” mean men from the government would come and beat you with sticks because they suppress speech in those countries and don’t like you talking about it. Many people there are unhappy. I hope that knowing there is an America at least makes them somewhat happy.

 America likes to spread its happiness. When we have thing that make us happy like Big Macs and Coca-Cola, we send them to other parts of the worlds so they can be happy too. America is an unstoppable bringer of happiness; it is a happiness steamroller.

 Scientists have determined the reason America is so happy is that God is happy and he likes America. He blesses us with many things. Other countries don’t seem to make God as happy. Sometimes they do mean things and say it is in God’s name. This must make God upset. If someone did mean things in my name, I would send them a plague or a cease and desist letter. Perhaps those other countries can stop doing mean things and be happy too.

 Sometimes bad people try to make America unhappy by doing bad things, but we have a military that stops bad people. They are very good at what they do; this is part of being happy. They will stop bad people and they can quickly go to anywhere in the world to do it. They are like Superman. Knowing Superman is there to protect people makes them happy.

 Even though America is a happy place, there are still some unhappy people here. They are unhappy that the president stole an election and that the government is spying on their phone. That’s how happy America is: In other countries, people have real things to be unhappy about, but in America you have to make things up to be unhappy about.

 If you are ever feeling unhappy, just go out and buy a burrito and you will be happy again. Because this is America.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Buying This Book Will Make Me Happy” and “Yay! Reading Is Fun!” (co-authored by SarahK).