One day when I was but a young boy, I was walking down the street with my dad to the hardware store. He suddenly stopped, crossed the street and punched a man. When he returned, I ask, “Father, why did you punch that man?”
He turned to me and said, “That’s a stupid question.” Then he punched me.
It was a stupid question, because who my dad punched was a hippie. Back then, everyone knew that you punched hippies, but I’ve noticed that this knowledge may not be being passed on to the next generation. If there’s one thing I’ve realized over the past few years is that hippies are not being punched quite enough, and I think the recent incident with Berkeley and the Marines shows the problem of not enough hippie punching. If hippies aren’t punched on a consistent basis, they get cocky and will try all sorts of crazy thing. I mean, really, hippies insulting Marines and not expecting a punching? That’s a major breakdown in our societal structure.
So what has led to this dearth in hippie punching? Breakdown in family structure? Loss of prayer in school? Increasing childhood obesity? Prevalence of non-violent videogames? Whatever the reason, I think we need to spend more time telling the next generation the importance of striking hippies in the face with a fist. No functional society has survived hippies running around unpunched, and America will be similarly doomed if we don’t change our ways.
You may say, “Well I punch hippies; I’m doing my part.” But after punching a hippie, do you take the time to explain to those around you why you punched the hippie? This may seem like a lot to do for someone who has a job and personal responsibilities — which you have since you’re not a hippie — but if even just one man hears your words of inspiration and then punches some filthy hippie, wasn’t it time well spent?
We have a war right now. Our military is overseas killing terrorists — the violent form of the hippie — so they can’t be here punching hippies for us. We have to do that ourselves. To keep this a country safe for soldiers to kill evil foreigners without hearing whiny protests, we have to make it unsafe for hippies.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such children’s books as “My First Hippie I Punched” and “Don’t Feel Sorry for Poor People”.
Hippies like to talk about saving the world, but all they really do is lie about, smoke pot and smell bad.
Agreed. Frankly, the societal trend away from violence has led to a far more rude, obnoxious and depraved society than we would otherwise have.
Today’s liberals are tomorrows conservatives.
Its fear Frank, just plain fear.
Ever since that rumor started that if a Hippie bites you that you become a Hippie yourself got traction, everyone is too afraid to get close enough to a Hippie to punch one.
What’s with this “Our Kids, Frank? You don’t have any kids! Now, go outside in the snow and find some hippies to punch – right now. Can’t find any in Boise? Figures. Then go to Berkeley. But don’t punch them; TAZE them, bro. Especially the ones chained to the buildings.
Today’s hippies are tomorrows conservatives. Today’s conservatives are pricks.
LOOKS LIKE CONSERVATIVES ARE BEING PUSHED OUT OF POLITICS FOREVER!!!
Not true, YEBA. Most of us have been conservative pricks our whole life.
You have to work out if you want to punch some hippies. But it would be a mean thing to do. It seems to me that what Frank really wants to be is a mean bully but he has always been way to wimpy to be a bully so he just blogs about being one and dreams of being strong enough to punch at hippies. Truth be told the hippies would probably kick Frank’s ass if he punched at them. That’s my opinion anyway – but who knows – maybe Frank knows martial arts or something?
I like to stay in shape. I like to run really fast and do push ups. I also love playing basketball sometimes.
Okay, I’ll say it — Forgive me imao readers, for I have sinned; it has been 148 days since I punched a hippie. It’s not that there aren’t plenty around, and it’s not that they don’t deserve it, and so much more. I don’t know if I’ve just gotten lazy, or if I’m just going with the flow. I’ve been purchasing those hippie-punching offsets, pretending that it amounted to the same thing, but I think I always knew it didn’t. So, as you all are my witness I will drive from work straight to Trader Joe’s (for those of you who don’t know what that is — be grateful) and I won’t leave until my knuckles are sore and the store is nothing but a writhing, whining, black-eyed pile of stinky, self-satisfied hippies. Sorry for the alliteration.
It’s important to use proper technique when punching a hippie. I’m an experienced hippie puncher, dating back to my early days in the San Francisco Bay area (I’m not saying exactly how early, but Nixon was in his first term), so I’ll offer some tips:
First, distract him (or her; it’s difficult to tell the difference with hippies). Shout “Wow! Is that Jimi Hendrix over there?” or “That guy is handing out free marijuana!” The hippie will turn its head.
Second, make a proper fist. Keep your thumb curled on the outside of your fingers, on the second knuckles.
Third, turn your hip into the punch, keeping your knees slightly bent, transferring your weight from your back to your front foot. Punch at the point of the jaw, the pit of the stomach, or the temple. Don’t punch for the groin. Anything there is already numb.
Observing the tips listed above will help assure fully enjoyment from your hippie-punching.
Don’t worry too much about hippies – they’re all mostly boomers and will be dead soon after they drain the treasury though Social Security. I’m a boomer, so I should know.
Now, the current crop of mofo’s, rapers, code pinko’s, drive-byers, islamo’s, anarchistso’s… and Democrats… these we gotta worry about.
Ever since they removed hippie punching form the Olympics it just seems that people don’t put much effort into it. I mean really you have to continue punching hippies even if you are not going to get a metal for it. Poeple need to understand that sometimes you have to do the right thing even if you don’t see an immdiate reward.
What is this country coming to? Here in Boise I have to go the the democrat party headquarters to find hippies, but you know what? Its worth the trip.
I have to admit that I’ve been a shirker of my hippie punching duties as an American. I shall do all I can over the course of the immediate future to rectify my negligence to my country and shall explain to all those under my sphere of influence why they too need to let hippies slam their faces into our fists!
hippie punching at the Olympics-that was funny!
Hey Frank, where can I get those children’s books of yours? I feel my son is not getting the right message from some of his books. I’m starting to feel that someone really needs to punch The Lorax away.
It’s not the breakdown in family values, or lack of prayer in school, or anything like that which keeps us from such activities; it’s this: Restless Leg Syndrome. Yup, that’s it. Fix the restless leg syndrome, more hippies get punched.
(since my site is “Right Hooks,” you can understand that I appreciate this post.)
It takes too long to identify hippies these days. Some are disguising themselves by taking bathes. Not all of them wear birkenstocks. SO don’t punch anyone just because they have sandals on or not.
Take the time to properly identify the hippie. Use code words like “groovy”,or ask for directions to the nearest head shop.
Remember, hit the soft parts, you don’t want to have to stop because you hand is bruised . Safe punching out there everyone.
It takes too long to identify hippies these days. Some are disguising themselves by taking bathes. Not all of them wear birkenstocks. SO don’t punch anyone just because they have sandals on or not.
Take the time to properly identify the hippie. Use code words like “groovy”,or ask for directions to the nearest head shop.
Remember, hit the soft parts, you don’t want to have to stop because you hand is bruised . Safe punching out there everyone.
Sorry, Frank J. Not enough time to punch hippies. (There’s not that many around here anyway)
Nope, I’m too busy fighting Ed Rendell’s casino-building mobster friends. 2 x 4 + Colt Commander. They call me Marko the Mauler.
That’s just it, lastconservativestanding, how DO we identify them?
There was a time when hippies were not only punched, they were beaten with billy clubs and tear gassed, a la the Democrat Convention in Chicago, 1968, complete with cracked skulls and blood on the streets. Remember: “The whole world is watching!” ? It was, and it was mostly cheering for the cops.
Then, along came Nixon who continued to hate and beat-up the hippies. After Nixon came gentle Ford and wussy Carter, et al, and there hasn’t been any real hippie bashing since. (Hippies went into hiding under Reagan.) In fact, the 60’s hippies are, in fact, running the government today.
Maybe McCain could be the next Nixon. He certainly has the temper for it. Maybe he’ll bash some heads – starting with Congress.
Naaaah. He’s in bed with Kennedy, Feingold, Lieberman, Soros, and many others. Never mind.
#20 – Posted by: Jimmy on February 12, 2008 02:02 PM
The trouble with McCain is that he’ll multitask. He’ll bash hippies, sodomize conservatives, and hug illegals at the same time. Only one out of those three is good.
I’ll bet mccain’s enemies list is already longer than Nixon’s. Everyone posting here is probably on it, with a little gold star next to thier name and ISP address.
Mike and George, I’m sure you’re both right. I also think that both McCain and Clinton are in the same camp, basically. Oh, how the power oligarchy is fighting to prevent “democracy” from converting us to pure, Obama-lead socialism. What the oligarchs want is complete control of the conversion. And what Obamians want is pure, freely chosen democratic socialism – the “American way.”
That’s quite the choice. It’s the clearest case of “heads I win, tails you lose” I’ve ever seen in politics.
All this talk about punching hippies makes me think back to my days as a Boy Scout when I was working on my hippy-punching merit badge. I got so caught up in the whole thing that I beat the hell out of some skater kid at school because he was wearing bellbottoms (you know, when they came back for a brief period in the 90’s). I stand by my decision. And, most importantly, I got the merit badge. That was a proud day for the juggernaut family.
OW! QUIT PUNCHING ME, YOU BIGOTS!
Right wingers often go to punch a hippie and end up punching themselves because they are so stupid. But what do expect from the party that elected George Bush?
Some of those hippies you refer to may very well be homeless vets. You better think damn twice about punching them in the face.
“snea5y43p” sounds like a date stamp on a can of World War II Spam sent to England.
Hey, snea, wake up. The “Conservative Wing” of the Republican Party thinks Bush is a sellout to you liberals.
“snea5y43p” sounds like a date stamp on a can of World War II Spam sent to England.
you make fun of my name yet you don’t even know who you are.
Hey, snea, wake up. The “Conservative Wing” of the Republican Party thinks Bush is a sellout to you liberals.
You people voted for Bush and by doing so prove my point that you are bunch of stupid people. now you want to act like he isn’t your main squeeze? im not buying it
Don’t waste your breath on these dinosaurs, snea5y43p. These right-winger neocons hate our mother earth, and they probably still eat red meat like cromagnons. And they’ve probably known the touch of a woman. ………DAMN NEOCONS!!!!!
Possibly we need more ads for weener candy on TV. I think if we all had more boners we would want to punch hippies more…more weener candy ads…definitely!
Well, snea, as much as I dislike Bush now that he’s had eight years to succeed AND fail, I’d still vote for him over Kerry. So, yeah, I’d do it all over again, but so would every true soldier.
Dear ussjimmycarter,
There are two kinds of weener candies, it seems to me: the kind you injest, and the kind you look at. For the second kind, there’s real and imaginary categories.
Which kind do you recommend? My Type-A personality needs a makeover.
Sincerely,
Jimmy
PS: boomers or boners?
I do not punch hippies, instead I turn them into toads.
A Roman citizen, in the time of the emperor Augustus, accepted that it was his duty to punch hippies, and would spend the average day doing just that. Their arms grew massive with the effort. Three hundred years later, under Diocletian, hippie-punching responsibilities were largely ignored by the citizens and were farmed out to hired Scythian mercenaries, who rarely troubled a hippie if they weren’t being closely watched by an officer. The average citizen could go months at a time without punching a hippie. By the time of Romulus Augustulus, the last Roman emperor in the West, hippies could lie around the Forum for days at a time, unpunched. Legend has it that his treasonous general Odoacer never punched a hippie in his life. Thus Rome was lost.
🙂 Ed Flinn. You short stories are fun and punch the crap out of “Storyteller” and his lame “…and the died” series.
Punching hippies is a lost patriotic duty that could benefit from more media exposure. On FEAR FACTOR: Punching a hippie would surely stack up alongside popping Tomato Caterpillars to induce that gag reflex, and seeing it on TV could inspire millions of viewers to “dare their friends”. On DIRTY JOBS: Let the world see Mike Rowe swarming with flies, his knuckles caked with hippie cheek cheese after a day of hippie punching. Here’s to “HOPE” that hippie’s flinching is a common sight for all of our children.
I have heard you, my conservative friends, and I understand that you no longer trust the governemnt in Washington to solve this complex problem. I promise that hippie punching will be secured, before we push forward with comprehensive hippie reform. When I return to Washington I will propose, with with my good friend Joe Lieberman, “The No Hippie Left Unpunched Act” which will provide billions for upgraded hippie punching technology. Just to show you how serious I am about this issue, I have appointed Wavy Gravy as my campaign’s top policy advisor on hippie punching.
I hope you people try to punch hippies and you get charged with assault and the hippy lawyers sue you. You would deserve that for being mean bullies.
Nate, please reduce your carbon footprint to zero via the cessation of respiration. You must sacrifice yourself to save Gaia!!!
Unlike Chunk Norris, Reagan didn’t have a third fist hidden in a beard. He had a phantasm fist that was omnipresent over the country. It was a clear, odorless fist, that meant doom for hippies and thier ilk.
Good old days, when omnipresent phantasm fists kept order over the filthy hippy hoardes. Hippies quietly refer to that fist as Reagon Gas.
Reagon gas is rumoured to be a heavy metal in it’s properties, yet no one can be sure. It was so precise in not hurting non-hippies and actually making non-hippies prosper that some think it was a myth.
If it was a myth, then why did the hippies go underground?
There is a consensus by most scientists that a newly discoverd gas, Fredon, would have had the same cleansing effects. The only sample of this element, sadly, was lost.
Jimmy, I was of course considering the chemical alternative that runs inane advertising 24/7 on TV. If we could run even MORE ads, men could all have more stiffies and this would lead to them feeling like men again leading to punching hippies! Feminists would be none too happy but they cut our balls off 20 years ago and now we have to take pills…
Nate, please reduce your carbon footprint to zero via the cessation of respiration. You must sacrifice yourself to save Gaia!!!
Why are you being so ugly to me?
My dad was a goombah from Brooklyn, who grew up in a tough neighborhood, and worked his tail off to get a nice house in the suburbs for me (that was nice of him, wasn’t it — I guess he was not paying enough in taxes Senator Obama, but I digress).
Despite his background (which included being a sniper during the Korean War), he was one of the nicest, gentlest people I ever knew. But when I was maybe four I saw him lay out a hippie half his age. It was the only time I ever saw him get like that.
I recall vaguely that the hippie was annoying me. Or maybe he was burning an American flag. I don’t know, I was four. But my dad knocked him down with one punch.
ussjc, thanks for the advice, and Room 237, that’s a great story. My grandpa used to say, if you’re going to hit someone, make the first one the last one.
Today’s liberals can be tomorrows concervatives but you need to wake them up first with a punch in the face, perhaps several if they’ve gone to Ivy League schools.
lol, punching those conservatives is fun, try it today damn those conservative hippies, and most know exactly why you do it and help to crush them…uh huh, living with conservative extremeists is bad for your health, punch one today, LMAO
Not only do I punch hippies, I also kill & process my own red meat!!!
Unfortunately, I live in a very Hippieless area. Southeast NM/West Texas was hunted hippies to extinction in the late 60’s. Occasionally you will see a new gen hippie, but they soon leave town, grumbling about “bible belters”, that is people who smack the hell out of them with their Bible.
We used to kick hippies in the groin with pointy toed cowboy boots. Was I fulfilling my duties or do I need to get some remedial training in true hippie punching? Thank you in advance for clearing this up for me.
just figured i’d spam your shitty board, now that i found it’s that easy. nazis.
A beautiful post and a wonderful sentiment for Valentine’s Day.