If the Republican ticket is McCain/Huckabee, what should we do? I say we all head down to Mexico, take it over, and make it a conservative utopia.
Let’s be sure to make a border fence, though.
Archive of entries posted on 6th February 2008
Disloyal Traitors Hauled off to Jail
BERKELEY (AP) – Last Friday, 40 Berkeley police officers arrested three protesters from the anti-war group “World Can’t Wait” who chained themselves to a Marine recruiting station and tried to prevent people from entering. Protesters scuffled with at least five men who tried to enter the recruiting station. The filthy seditious turncoats were pummeled senseless and dragged to the Berkeley jail where they received lemon juice for their lacerations before being tossed into a lightless pit in a particularly dank sub-basement of the facility.
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Berkeley Mayor Tom Bates spoke approvingly of the arrests. “Free speech is completely protected in this city, but giving aid and comfort to the enemy in a time of war is beyond the pale. You can take that [expletive deleted] to France, because we won’t put up with it here.”
“In MY Berkeley,” continued the Mayor, “we support our troops in word AND deed. Anyone who would even THINK about messing with another person’s right to voluntarily apply for enlistment in America’s Armed Forces is harboring intentions just as antithetical to this country’s well-being as any splodey-dope raghead. These disloyal traitors clearly OUGHT to be shot, but we’ll start by seeing if a few days of bread & water clears their heads. Nothing straightens out spoiled rotten children of privilege with too much time on their hands like a little deprivation.”
Concerned that outside observers might accuse him of selling out his principles, Bates insisted that his liberal street cred was still completely intact.
“Don’t get me wrong,” said Bates, “I still think Bush is an inept, monkey-eared clown with delusions of adequacy who sells poor people into slavery working for Halliburton to kill polar bears while stealing oil and melting the globe, but I also want to win this war, and I’m going to do my part by whatever means necessary.”
Could Be Worse
Howard Dean has sent out a mass DNC e-mail on why Democrats need to donate to fight McCain. Basically Dean argues that McCain is not a moderate at all but in fact a right-wing nutjob. It’s like he didn’t write it for Democrats at all but instead to reassure us conservatives:
Learning to Live with McCain
You can list all you want about what’s wrong with McCain, but it’s looking pretty certain he’s our nominee and I think its more productive to point out what we’re doing wrong. Why? Because if something is our fault, it’s in our power to fix it.
If I were to name one thing conservatives are doing wrong with McCain is that our attitudes towards him are too much stick and not enough carrot. If we want McCain to side with us, we have to give him a reason to do it. If he sides against us, we yell at him but he gets praise from the media. If he goes with us, he gets what? How much credit has he gotten from conservatives for his steadfastness on the war?
When McCain goes against the Democrat nominee, the media is going to turn against him. That will be our opportunity to get McCain on our side. What we have to do is reward him every time he does something conservativey if we want him to behave in a conservative way. It’s just like with my dog. When she’s bad, I can yell at her all I want and she just gets frustrated. But if instead of just yelling at her I give her a command like “come” or “sit” and praise her for doing it, things turn out better for both of us. Similarly, if McCain even mentions a border fence, we all have to be like, “Good Republican! Good good Republican!” and give money to his campaign. Through positive reinforcement, he’ll learn that being conservative is the best way to go.
So, people, are you read to praise McCain? The fate of America — and thus the world — could rest upon it.
What Now?
So why does America hate conservatives? Is it our disdain for poor people? Our hatred for minorities? Or is everyone other than us just a bunch of homos?
Whatever the reason, I guess we need to find something else to do since we’re obviously no longer wanted to be involved in politics. I say we roam the countryside helping those in need and dispensing justice all the while avoiding the law as McCain vows to hunt us down.
Any other ideas?
Tuesday Super?
So is McCain like the Republican nominee now? I don’t really follow this delegate stuff too well, but he seems to have a lot of delegates and the other candidates not so many. Well, I got an e-mail this morning from Old Man McCain which I assume he mass e-mailed to the bloggers:
It’s over for you, you meddling kids! Ha ha ha ha ha!
I hope his speech at CPAC is different. He needs to make up with conservatives if he wants to win in November.
Then again, he could be like, “I didn’t need you guys for the primary, so why the hell would I need you for the general?” Good point!
Nothing decided on the Democrats’ side other than that they got themselves a nice race war. Yee haw!