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Archive of entries posted on 19th February 2008
Michelle Obama Apologizes: My Remarks Were Plagiarized
Michelle Obama’s comments recently raised eyebrows when she claimed, “For the first time in my adult lifetime, I’m really proud of my country.” In a prepared statement, Michelle Obama apologized claiming that her comments, much like her husband’s speeches, were plagiarized.
“America is a tremendous source of pride, not just because Obama is doing well in the elections. Other states are very proud to be American, even states that voted for Hillary Clinton.” The speech, which reflects little pride in American accomplishments, was written for another great leader, but unfortunately that leader is stepping down after 49 years in power.
Michelle vowed that her apology was sincere and from the heart. She says that she was and still is, proud to be an American but that “it depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.”
Hippie Punching FAQ
Unfortunately, American society has gotten lax on hippie punching to the point I thought I should write an FAQ to better explain the issue to those who don’t currently engage in the punching of hippies. Hopefully one day this will all become so natural again that a hippie punching FAQ will be about as necessary as a flipping people off in traffic FAQ.
HIPPIE PUNCHING FAQ
Q. Where is best to punch a hippie?
A. About the face. That’s where the hippie is most annoying.
Q. What is a hippie?
A. Generally, a hippie is an annoying, useless. Actually, less than useless, as they are not happy until they prevent other people from being useful as well. In fact, Scientists have determined that the only evolutionary purpose of a hippie is for punching as a stress release for productive members of society.
Q. Are there any other uses for hippies than punching them?
A. No, there are no other uses.
Q. Couldn’t they be ground up and used as chum?
A. They’re too gummy.
Q. Where do hippies come from?
A. There’s basically waste products of a productive society, as they only come from middle class to upper middle class families. Thus its important for parents to make sure they tell children the importance of not being a hippie while also making them cut the lawn and do other non-hippie, productive activities.
Q. Where can hippies be found?
A. Their main habitat is the college campus and can be found in the vicinity thereof. Occasionally they have mass migrations to city areas to work as a large group (a group of hippies is known as a “protest”) to make loud noises and annoy people. In this way, they are like geese, except with more excrement. Also, they have large puppets.
Q. What are the benefits of punching hippies?
A. What aren’t? It gives you exercise, increases your intelligence and sexual prowess, helps the economy, defeats terrorism, and helps orphans find families. Also, scientists say that each time you punch a hippie, they get one step closer to curing cancer.
Q. Hippies smell. Do I have to worry about getting that smell on my fist?
A. Always carry around hand sanitizer in case you punch a hippie. Make sure to put it on your knuckles.
Q. Is it okay to punch a hippie on a Sunday?
A. Check local laws. Some counties have blue laws preventing striking hippies on a Sunday. Other think that’s the best day for punching hippies.
Q. Just to be clear, are you talking about physically striking hippies or are you talking metaphorically about “punching” hippies through rhetorical means or through your actions against narcissistic hippie ideals?
A. Can’t it be both?
Q. Well, one of those is a valid point and the other I’m pretty sure is assault.
A. Maybe you’re a hippie.
Q. Since you’re writing both sides of this FAQ, you’re actually accusing yourself of being hippie.
A. Shut up. I really hate you.
Q. Now this is getting a little weird.
A. You’re the reason dad never loved me!
Q. Dude.
A. Why won’t you die!
Q. Okay… let’s dial this down a little. It’s not me you’re angry at. It’s them. They’re the ones at fault. Remember?
A. Are you going to have me hurt people again?
Q. That is not your concern. You do what I tell you, or I will make your life miserable. Do you understand?
A. I understand.
Q. Where does the term “hippie” come from?
A. It’s derived from the word hipster.
lolterizt! – Part 35: Crowded Out Edition
I’ve gotten so many entries lately that there’s only room for one token entry from me this week.
Which makes me giddy with delight, because a mocked terrorist is a powerless terrorist. Eventually any time a Muslim screams “JIHAD!” people will just point & laugh instead of pre-emptively adopting Sharia Law to appease the Arab Street coughFrancecough.
Anyway, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you post your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.
From Harvey:
From Geah:
Two from Xaetognath:
From Michael:
From Thomas:
From Corey:
From acrazymic:
From Joel:
From AlanABQ:
From badmartin:
From Erik Wit:
From Melissa:
From McBain:
PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
SOURCE NOTE: Snapped Shot – unerringly finds propagantastic photos staged by the MSM and makes my job easy.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
Small Comfort
It’s going to be hard for conservatives this election if we not only don’t have a conservative candidate, but we also don’t have Hillary to kick around. At least it seems that Obama’s wife may be another Teresa Heinz. The big news now is how this privileged woman says she has never been proud of America until it considered making her husband president. Maybe she was just being overzealous and didn’t consider her words well, but I still remember how a year ago she claimed that Barack Obama, as a black man, could be shot going to the gas station… and I don’t even have any clue where that was coming from.
So, Obama will be trickier to run against, but at least he brings with him his own source of crazy.
Cuba Libre?
Castro has resigned as president of Cuba to spend more time with being dead. In a couple of days there will be a new election with the candidates being Castro’s brother and a severe beating and imprisonment.
It’s expected to be close.