Racial profiling is bad, but I have another idea for airport security. Why don’t the airport screeners have a board up with pictures of the last ten identified terrorists. Then they can give extra screening to people who resembles those ten. That is, they’ll not be looking for people of a certain race but instead people who look “terroristy.” Maybe there will be nothing similar between the most recently identified terrorists, but then again maybe a shrewd screener will subconciously pick up on some similiarity between them — something the concious eye might miss — that he or she can use to identify other potential terrorists.
Since this won’t involve race at all, I don’t see why it would make anyone mad.
Except terrorists.
Archive of entries posted on January 2008
A Suggestion
At the press conference announcing Ahnuld’s endorsement of McCain, a reporter asked him the standard, “Why are our people dying in Iraq?!” question. Wouldn’t a good answer be, “If you’re so curious, why don’t you ask a soldier? They take a lot of pride in what they’re doing, and I’m sure they’d be happy to explain it to you.”
I really hate questions that are patronizing to those serving in the military and paints them as victims. I know if you ask my brother, Lt. Joe foo’ the Marine, he can explain the purpose of the military pretty well.
Except, of course, it’s kinda hard to ask since he’s in Iraq.
A Proposal
It’s a bit too early for this and we’ll see how Super Tuesday goes, but we do need to accept the reality that John McCain will most likely be our nominee. I’m considering doing a multi-part series entitled “Learning to Live with McCain.” So I guess I’m asking is if I make us some Kool-Aid, will you guys drink it?
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Facts Grand Finale
Apparently my Fabulous Facts so humiliated the little pillow-biter that he quit the race and ran home crying to his mommy.
And yet I still have a big pile of Facts left.
Seems kinda pointless to keep kicking the man in his withered jubblies every day when he’s not in the race any more, so I’ll just do one more big Riverdance on his cowering form and call it a day.
I do, however, reserve the right to resurrect this feature in the horribly unlikely event that he gets the nod for VP.
Note for those who’ve suggested an Obama daily feature – it’s not ripe for happening yet. The man simply doesn’t have a mockable stereotype, since he’s just another black socialist, albeit a particularly clean and articulate one. Hillary’s got pure evil. What’s Barack got?
If he develops a personality between now and the convention – or at least gets a humiliating YouTube video posted about him – I may be able to get something going.
Meanwhile, let’s say good-bye in style to Ann Coulter’s favorite faggot:
Two Bonus Facts from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards’s abrupt decision to abandon his quest for the Democrat Presidential nomination was prompted by his sudden realization that he wouldn’t be able to have either Judy Garland or Ethel Merman perform at the inaugural ball.
John Edwards looks forward to Super Bowl Sunday every year, because all those folks at home watching the game means they’re not at the mall getting in the way of his shoe shopping.
And here’s me emptying my Big Bucket O’ Fabulous Facts:
* The truth in John Edwards’s secret heart is that he would gladly see EVERYONE in America living in poverty if it could somehow cause the development of a painless leg hair removal process.
* John Edwards doesn’t understand how people could accidentally grab two coffee filters. How could they lift them both?
* John Edwards Pet Peeve #53 – “waterproof” mascara that runs all over the pillow he’s biting.
* In John Edwards’s experience, ALL caps are childproof.
* John Edwards Pet Peeve #61 – getting poked by his underwire.
* John Edwards always takes it personally and starts crying when he sees a “no fat chicks” bumper sticker.
* John Edwards wonders – how DO people manage to wrap things in aluminum foil?
* Does anyone else think it odd that if you ask John Edwards for advice about jock itch, he’ll nod & say “Vagisil”?
* John Edwards is physically incapable of passing a women’s magazine rack without jealously hissing “siliconed hussy!”.
* Although usually a model of self-control, John Edwards will still occasionally slip and wink at a hot guy cruising by in a convertible.
* John Edwards’s saddest day wasn’t November 2, 2004, it was the day he realized that he would never be the guest of honor at a baby shower.
* John Edwards Pet Peeve #75 – returning his airplane seat to the upright & locked position and getting flung over the seat in front of him in the process.
* John Edwards puts the “man” in “manicure”.
* Although not famous for his pugilistic skills, John Edwards did once manage to bruise a banana while bloodying only two knuckles.
* John Edwards hates the look of his 5 o’clock shadow, but some days your hectic campaign schedule only gives you the chance to shave your legs first thing in the morning.
* At parties, John Edwards always whips out his wallet and starts showing off pictures of his hair dryers.
* America’s Funniest Home Video – John Edwards trying to pick anchovies off his pizza and being soundly defeated by the superior might of the cheese.
Just kidding. THIS will always be America’s Funniest Home Video.
So long, John, and thanks for all the comedy gold.
An Idea
“Now Martin Is Scoring Off Me!” *UPDATED With Response from Colmes*
I’ve always kinda liked Alan Colmes even though I disagree with him on everything and he is basically the FOX News whipping-boy liberal. I guess he just seems more reasonable sitting next to the very yelly Sean Hannity. Anyway, after the President’s State of the Union Address Monday, FOX News had a text message poll on on whether the speech was good, fair, or poor. When they had the results, Colmes announced, “And the winner is… Ron Paul!”
Now here he is on his radio show handling a Ronulan trying to claim that Ron Paul won New Hampshire (hat tip Hot Air). You don’t see that personality too much on FOX News.
And did you hear how Giuliani made fun of Ron Paul in his concession speech? You’re never so down and out that you still can’t make fun of Ron Paul and his nutty supporters.
UPDATE:
Got an e-mail from Alan Colmes:
Hi Frank,
Thanks for all the kind comments your commenters said about me. I’m going immediately for an AIDS test.
My blog is www.liberalland.com.
Alan
See what you idgits did? You made me look bad in front of the people at FOX News. Luckily Alan Colmes seems to have a sense of humor.
Anyway, let this be a reminder that anytime you write something bad about someone on the internet, he could be reading it. So be nice… unless you’re talking about Ron Paul.
The Debate
On now on CNN. It’s Romney’s last chance to energize conservatives. Hopefully he brought Krull.
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
In Hillary’s Arrogant Opinion
Panicky pig in a pantsuit Hillary Clinton poured another 100 gallons of stupid into the bubbling cauldron of her campaign’s retarded soundbites by floating the notion that “we should have bloggers inside government agencies so that people get real-time information about what’s going on.”
It’s bad enough bloggers have a reputation as one-hand-typing, basement-dwelling, pajama-clad ignorant windbags of hate and irresponsiblity, but now she wants to add “cronyfied government tools” to the list.
Nothing – save the blithering one-thought echo-chamber of the Huffington Post – offends my sensibilities as a freelance beholdin’ to no-one speechifier more than the thought of the actual existence of an official government mouthpiece biting the nipple off the blogospheric bastion of anarchy at which I daily and enthusiastically give suck.
Still, since bad things DO happen to good people, the day may come when a blogger DOES get put into a government agency (which I assume is just a Clintonesque euphemism for “Super Happy Lucky Fun Re-education Camp”). Thus, I wonder aloud, “what will this dreary, Hillary-mandated outlet of 1984tastic goodspeakisms be titled?”
And answer myself thusly:
- PravdaPundit
- Winston Smith’s Daily Journal
- Not Lying Because I’m Not Under Oath
- Freedom! Horrible, Horrible Freedom!
- I’m From the Government and I’m Here to Blog You
- Ministry of Truthiness
- ‘Status Quo’ is the New ‘Change’
- Should’ve Listened to Ron Paul!
Hey! How’d THAT one get in there? - Cankling to Prosperity
- Sanitized For Your Protection
- Your Tax Dollars Hard at Work Instead of Squandered on the Frivilous Crap YOU Had Your Eye On
And, of course, the obligatory witty tagline:
“Doing the Truth Like the DMV Does Customer Service”
Anyway, that’s just me. What would YOUR official Happy Camp blog be called?
Tough Times Call for a Tough Romney
Things aren’t going great for Romney right now, but I think my image change suggestions from yesterday is probably a step in the right direction. I also liked the rumor I heard about him. While rumors they did hard time might be bad for some candidates, it would actually make Romney more interesting. Why do you think McCain is doing so well? It’s because the problems in the world today look like they could best be handled by a cranky old man. Similarly, people might trust a hardened criminal to look out for our interests against evil terrorists. If you really want to help Romney, act like it’s common knowledge he’s done time for violent felonies. In fact, his campaign should put out rumors about what a hardcore criminal Romney is but make it look like some other campaign is behind those rumors. They should then condemn the “smear tactic” while conspicuously not denying any of the rumors.
People are going to be like, “Romney is crazy, dude! Maybe he should run the country. At least it would keep him off the streets.”
So, start thinking of some rumors to spread. Until then, I thought I should share these facts about Romney I found out.
ROMNEY RUMORS
* Romney got a lot of free publicity for his presidential run since there a picture of him in every post office.
* Most of Mitt Romney’s teeth aren’t real since he had them all knocked in various bar fights. You might think that means he’s not a particularly good fighter, but it’s just because he keep fighting like six people at once. That guy does not back down. I tell you, he’s @#$% nuts.
* Man has yet to invent something that Romney can’t turn into a shiv.

Mitt Romney and his timber wolf Krull getting ready to raise hell.
* Most frequent campaigning advice Romney receives: “People frown on beating up cops.”
* Romney hasn’t been the biggest gun rights advocate because all his violent felonies means he can’t legally own one anyway. Actually, most gun dealers have up a picture of Romney in their store that says, “Whatever you do, don’t sell this guy a gun because he will @#$% kill people.”
* Romney wants to make sure everyone has healthcare… except for snitches.
* In the latest Hitman video game, if in a mission you quietly kill your target without alerting anyone, you get the rating of “Silent Assassin.” If you ignore stealth and beat everyone to death with a shovel, you get a rating of “Mitt Romney.”
* Someone once made a joke that since Romney’s nickname is “Mitt,” he must be a catcher in prison. Emphasis on “once.”
* While Romney doesn’t punch hippies, when a hippie came to Romney asking him to sign a petition about the war, Romney stabbed him through the eye with the pen.
* Romney’s five sons have a total of eleven children and twelve prison sentences. It’s common knowledge that if you see all five Romney kids in once place, you get the @#$% out of there because some serious @#$% is about to go down.
* Romney cares about the environment so much he’s made sure his chop shop is equipped to handle hybrids.
* Romney plans to be president for four years, eight with good behavior.
Just Something I Noted
McCaaaaaaaaaaaaain!!!
It’s looking like a real possibility we’re going to end up with McCain as our nominee, and, frankly, he has a real good shot to win the presidency because all those [expletive deleted] independents just love him so much. Now, obviously, our viewpoints fall more in line with McCain than either Hillary or Obama, but who do you think hates conservatives more out of those three? I think Hillary and Obama just see us conservatives as obstacles to overcome, while I get this feeling that McCain viscerally hates us and wants to screw us any chance he gets. He loves how the media adores him (at times) and labels him “the Maverick” and doesn’t like how we constantly point out what a crock that is (what is a moderate but someone without a very coherent political philosophy?). When he gets more power, he’s going to make us pay.
So, the advantages of McCain is we’ll have a Republican president and a strong stance on Iraq. Disadvantage: We’re going to be repeatedly sodomized.
House Approves Stimulus Package
The House today overwhelmingly approved the President’s economic stimulus plan. The plan calls for NASA to launch the space shuttle Atlantis, maneuver it into geostationary orbit over the Midwest, and dump $149 billion of taxpayer money into the upper atmosphere. If the plan does not result in a boost to the United States economy, the President has a reserve plan at the ready involving magic beans and fairy dust. The President has also requested, if there is enough spare room on the shuttle to allow it, that the last remaining copies of the Contract with America–particularly those portions dealing with a balanced budget–be tossed into space along with the stimulus cash.
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
It’s Time for IMAO to Help Romney
I liked my ideas earlier to make Mitt Romney look tougher, but more needs to be done. I like how he has a one syllable nickname, but he needs something better than “Mitt.” Maybe instead he could be called “Thor.” What do you think?
Everyone chip in and help. This is the best we have to work with, people.