John Edward’s life didn’t really begin until after cell phones started coming with automatic voice dialing – no more bruised fingertips!
Archive of entries posted on December 2007
Airliner Gets Stuck in Mud, Democrats Blame Bush
KANSAS CITY, MO (AP) – A United Airlines flight bound for Denver Sunday morning had to be evacuated after the plane took a wrong turn and became stuck in the mud. Democrats were quick to blame the failed policies of President Bush for the crisis.
![]() |
“If Bush hadn’t started his illegal war for cheap oil,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, “gas wouldn’t be so expensive right now, and people could afford to drive to their destinations instead of flying. Bush and his Halliburton buddies are directly responsible for the death or inconveniencing of all 182 passengers aboard that doomed plane.”
Although agreeing in principle – as we all do – that the tragic or annoying accident was Bush’s fault, presidential hopeful Barack Obama had a different take on how the most incompetent President in history once again failed the American people.
“There shouldn’t be mud in Missouri this time of year,” reasoned Obama, “but thanks to Bush’s lucrative, kickback-filled government subsidies to global warming cartels like Big Volcano and Big Cow Belch, the otherwise firmly frozen ground of our country has failed to properly support its people. Much like this country’s health care system. Which I would fix. Please vote for me or you’re a racist.”
Hillary Clinton, hoping to run a more centrist campaign and overcome the natural repulsion all mortal humans feel at the sight of her leering demonic visage, refused to blame Bush directly for the accident which some experts say may have been an inside job.
“I think it’s silly to blame Bush for this,” Clinton said, “it’s obviously not his fault, despite how similar it is to the way he drove the airliner of America off the runway of peace, leaving this country stuck in the muddy quagmire of Iraq. That’s why I should be America’s next President – I’m an expert on safe piloting. Just ask Ron Brown.”
John Edwards, perhaps misunderstanding the story, took a bizarrely defensive stance on the issue.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Edwards. “I categorically deny ever ‘sticking’ anything in anyone’s ‘mud’. I am a married man and very clearly not gay. Or even bi-curious. Although I do admit to feeling loin-tingly and secretly flattered whenever this topic comes up.”
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
If you watch this and decide not to vote for Fred Thompson, you can legally be committed.
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Fred Thompson Blogburst Day 2
They’re about $80,000 away from their goal to be able to run their new ad in Iowa, so John Hawkins is pulling out all the stops and made a new video:
So please donate to Fred Thompson. If we end up with some lame, Jimmy Carter-wannabe, I’m going to blame you guys, and I will find you and hurt you.
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Fred Thompson Blogburst
Today is the Fred Thompson blogburst.
I think Fred Thompson is awesome. I tell people, “Fred Thompson is awesome.” One person was like, “No he isn’t.” So I punched him in his face and said, “That’s for saying Fred Thompson isn’t awesome! That’s why I punched you in the face!” Then I kicked him. Then the police came. They said, “What happened here?” And I said, “I punched this guy because he said Fred Thompson isn’t awesome.” Then the police arrested me for insufficient assault. I was like, “That’s not an actual crime!” And they said, “We also planted drugs on you.” And they put me in jail and I yelled, “Come on! Let me out! It’s Christmas!” And they said, “It’s not Christmas anymore.” And I said, “Well, I’ve been pretty drunk and lost track of what day it is.” Then SarahK came and bailed me out of jail. She’s mad and won’t talk to me now.
So donate to Fred Thompson:
He needs money to run ads in Iowa which is really critical right now. Of course, if he isn’t elected, I guess there’s always Huckabee. And sweet, sweet death.
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Fred Thompson isn’t some hippie that worries about his “carbon footprint.” He has twenty-five gas-guzzling cars that can combine in groups of five to form five giant gas-guzzling robots that can all combine to form one even bigger, even more gas-guzzling robot which then transforms into a car which Fred Thompson drives to the corner store to pick up a quart of milk.
Fred Thompson Blogburst Tomorrow
See header.
The thing in larger font in bold above the main text.
That’s where the message is.
Yes, look above this for the message.
Know what? You’re retarded. I’m not even bothering anymore.
Here’s the link.
Incidentally, Fred Thompson is trying to raise $248,846 by 6PM Friday so he can run his new ad (you can see it here).
Let’s help make sure Fred Thompson wins the primary so 2008 will be awesome instead of suck.
UPDATE:
Forgot post are on Eastern time. Blogburst is later today.
Hell, let’s start now. Put your Christmas money here: