Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

john edwards fabulous.jpgWorld’s most lopsided defeats:
1) Napoleon at Waterloo
2) John Edwards at the office pencil sharpener.

Let’s Show the Hostage Taker Some Consideration

A hostage crisis is in effect at Hillary’s New Hampshire Campaign office. An insurgent with a bomb strapped to his body has taken a few people hostage. While Hillary consults with the United Nations, police officers are stationed outside closely monitoring the situation. Close by, stand representatives of the ACLU to ensure that the insurgent’s rights are in no way violated.
Our thoughts and prayers are with the hostages.
As the hostage taker demands to talk to Hillary, we hope that she respects his absolute moral authoritiy in this situation.
According to CNN, this hostage taker was denied the right to ask questions at the YouTube debate, as they producers weren’t sure if his bomb qualified him as a voter who was Undecided.
More on this as it develops.

Ronulans Riot Over Blasphemous Bear

WASHINGTON (AP) – Supporters of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul have led protests and riots all across America after hearing the news that a Florida man recently named his teddy bear “Ron Paul”, which they say is “an incitement to hatred“.

Blasphemous bear bothers bonkers bozos

People who back the Libertarian-turned-Republican-for-electability’s-sake gathered in vast numbers to protest the “blasphemous outrage”, with crowds in larger cities easily reaching into the double digits. Believers in Ron Paul – or “Ronulans”, as they prefer to be called – claim that the man with two first names is a prophet of radical political reforms whose tenets are not to be mocked in any fashion by “unbelievers, socialists, and the subhumans who’ve never heard of Ayn Rand”.
The Florida man, Frank Fleming, seemed mystified by the violent response. “I don’t get it. I named the bear after my favorite Christian saint, Paul, and my favorite male porn star, Ron Jeremy. All of a sudden, I’ve got crowds of freaks standing on my lawn, screaming that my bear is a sacrilege against the second coming of Benjamin Franklin. Or something. I had Rage Against the Machine on my iPod, so I didn’t catch it all. The point is, these people are weird and they smell like a mix of rancid butter and flop-sweat.”
Ron Paul ’08 campaign spokesman, Jesse Benton, argued that the protests were necessary to keep Dr. Paul’s name from besmirchment by the impious. “We believe in the one true Ron Paul, and live to serve his greatness, defending his glory from all enemies, both foreign and domestic, as it is written in the Holy Constitution, which Saint Thomas of Jefferson brought down on stone tablets from the sacred altar of Monticello. Besides, have you SEEN this bear? It has GLASSES! Ron Paul doesn’t wear glasses! He sees with a more perfect vision – through the lens of the Holy Constitution!”
Mr. Paul could not be reached for comment, as he was otherwise engaged in a whirlwind tour of Iowa giving his signature speech, “No, I’m NOT the husband of that lady who makes all the fish sticks.”

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

Fred Thompson changes channels using a 12 gage.

Question

Since I usually Google a couple things when writing an In My World™, does that mean my stupid humor posts involve more research than a CNN presidential debate?

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards plan to fight hunger in America? “Let them eat cake”.

Wonder if the Foreword Will Be by His Dog, "Splash"***?

Ted Kennedy’s writing his autobiography, and he’s getting more than $8 million for it.
Wonder what the title will be?
I speculate thusly:


  • The Brother That Wasn’t Worth the Cost of a Bullet
  • Water World
  • No, I’m a Drunk (Alcoholics Go To Meetings)
  • Taxing & Spending for Dummies
  • It Couldn’t Be Camelot Without a Lady in the Lake
  • Brother Can You Spare a Liver?
  • If Oil Were Gin, I’d Attack Iraq
  • Dude, Where’s My Pants?
  • A Bridge Too Far
  • King Leer
  • Something Wicked This Way Comes
  • The World According to Grope

Any other ideas?
***Seriously, his dog’s name is Splash.

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

Fred Thompson takes a bite out of criminals.

Crossing the Country, Bindle in Hand

Sorry to be away so long, but if you’re wondering what happened to me you can always turn to SarahK’s blog for what’s going on in the life of the J’s. Hopefully we’ll be to the new IMAO headquarters soon and I’ll be back to regular blogging (I have a few post ideas in mind, including a long overdue In My World™). If you don’t hear from me in a few days, though, send out a search party for the mountains between Nebraska and Idaho. If I’m not found, I hope you all die. That way I don’t have to worry I’m disappointing you by not blogging for you anymore (since you’ll all be dead).
So, what do you think has been the most significant thing that’s happened in politics since I’ve been on hiatus? I hope no candidate got attacked by monkeys while I was gone because it would really suck to not be able to comment on that.
Actually, I take that back. I hope Hillary was attacked by monkeys.

Did They Change Their Minds or Something?

Didn’t I hear a while back that the CBS news writers had authorized a strike?
Did that happen yet, or are they simply too lazy to peel themselves off their squeaky-creaky 5-wheeled office chairs and get their cellulite-encrusted hindquarters onto the picket line?

Message Received

Apparently I was mistaken to assume that an absence of comments on lolterizt! posts indicated widespread reader apathy.
The feature stays.
And to clarify a point, it wasn’t due to lack of material or reader submissions. I’ll cheerfully make a pile of my own every week, even if no one else joins the fun. I just honestly thought nobody cared any more.
As to what to leave in the comments, well, as with all list-type humor, it’s ALWAYS acceptable to quote the item in question and follow it with some internet acronym indicating amusement.
For example:

“Dustbunneh”
ROTFLMAOTNTPMP!!!!1!

It’s ALSO acceptable (and, in fact, encouraged) to leave such comments even if someone else has already left a comment about the same item.
If there’s a blogger in existence who ever got too much positive feedback, I’ve never met him, and he sure as hell isn’t me, either.
Note to Fiftycal – subtitles I can do. These pictures have an “alt text” tag on them, so if you’re using Internet Explorer, you can hover your mouse over them and a little box will appear with words in it (it defaults to the picture’s file name, but I can make it whatever I want). I’ll try including a translation for the leet-speak impaired in the alt text in future editions.
If the mouse-hover thing isn’t working, then right-click on the picture and choose “Properties”. The Alternate Text should be listed in the box that pops up.

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards habitually winces after turning on a light. Those photons HURT!

The Abomination of American Imperialism
An Editorial by Harvey

The venerable Archbishop of Canterbury has criticized America’s imperialism, saying that the United States wields its power in a way that is worse than Britain during its imperial heyday.
I find myself agreeing with him.
Britain TOTALLY kicked ass at imperialism! They had subject nations all around the globe. Back when England actually owned a set of bollocks, billions of primitive brown & yellow peoples learned to speak English, dress in suits, and drink tea instead of cow urine.
Ok, so that last one wasn’t necessarily a step up, but I think I make my point. England RULED! They were naming entire races of people “Indians” and subjugating the crap out of them centuries before the first Kennedy crashed his Oldsmobile into Plymouth Rock.

“The only Iraqis who should have inky fingers are the indentured servants in American-owned Iraqi newspaper factories,”

And speaking of Kennedys, judging by Ted, we’re doing an unconscionably poor job of starving the Irish, too.
How have we fallen so far? Our heritage is rooted deeply in the tyrannical stock of our jackbooted British ancestors, yet when Americans crusade across the ocean to liberate their little brown brothers… they actually liberate the PEOPLE! What incompetence! First you liberate their land, their cattle, their gold,… and a few of the comlier wenches (strictly for purposes of pleasure, mind you, not to actually – heaven forbid – breed with the filthy savages), THEN you start getting around to tossing out a bone or two of political liberty. IF they can prove their worth through prolonged armed resistance.
Or dressing in diapers & letting themselves be clubbed into bloody pulp. Either one.
Yet what have we so-called “imperialist” Americans accomplished in Iraq? NOTHING! The Iraqis can vote! They can own property! They don’t even have to bow and avert their eyes when an American walks by! Why, the arrogant sand-mongrels aren’t even possessed of sufficient decency or gratitude to make English their country’s official language – AND WE’RE NOT FORCING THE BASTARDS TO DO IT!
That whirring sound you hear is Queen Victoria spinning in her grave at around the same speed as a NASCAR motor at redline.
And those post election-pictures coming out of Iraq, showing people celebrating their political freedom by holding up their freshly-inked fingers – Digusting! Horrid! Blasphemy against the very notion of imperialism itself! The only Iraqis who should have inky fingers are the indentured servants in American-owned Iraqi newspaper factories, which should DAMN well only print headlines like “American Benevolence Cheered by Unworthy Yet Devotedly Loyal Middle Eastern Slave Scum”.
I take no joy in writing these words, but America’s attempts at imperialism are so half-hearted, so feeble, so stupefyingly inept, that we might as well hoist le Tricolore, print all our legal documents in French, and subjugate ourselves to our superiors in Paris.

Maybe being forced under penalty of death to drink their lighter-fluid-flavored wines and laugh at Jerry Lewis movies will teach us how an empire is SUPPOSED to be run.

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Ronald McDonald: America’s Archbishop” and “Bootlicking & Genuflection: An Iranian Survival Guide for the Coming Invasion”.

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

Fred Thompson opens up whupass in lot sizes no smaller than a gross at a time.

Jumped the Shark, Did It?

Judging by the complete absence of comments on #25 and the dearth of recent reader submissions, I’m guessing it’s time to pull the plug on the lolterizt! series.
You guys want one last one, or have you had enough?