World’s most lopsided defeats:
1) Napoleon at Waterloo
2) John Edwards at the office pencil sharpener.
Archive of entries posted on 30th November 2007
Let’s Show the Hostage Taker Some Consideration
A hostage crisis is in effect at Hillary’s New Hampshire Campaign office. An insurgent with a bomb strapped to his body has taken a few people hostage. While Hillary consults with the United Nations, police officers are stationed outside closely monitoring the situation. Close by, stand representatives of the ACLU to ensure that the insurgent’s rights are in no way violated.
Our thoughts and prayers are with the hostages.
As the hostage taker demands to talk to Hillary, we hope that she respects his absolute moral authoritiy in this situation.
According to CNN, this hostage taker was denied the right to ask questions at the YouTube debate, as they producers weren’t sure if his bomb qualified him as a voter who was Undecided.
More on this as it develops.
Ronulans Riot Over Blasphemous Bear
WASHINGTON (AP) – Supporters of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul have led protests and riots all across America after hearing the news that a Florida man recently named his teddy bear “Ron Paul”, which they say is “an incitement to hatred“.
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People who back the Libertarian-turned-Republican-for-electability’s-sake gathered in vast numbers to protest the “blasphemous outrage”, with crowds in larger cities easily reaching into the double digits. Believers in Ron Paul – or “Ronulans”, as they prefer to be called – claim that the man with two first names is a prophet of radical political reforms whose tenets are not to be mocked in any fashion by “unbelievers, socialists, and the subhumans who’ve never heard of Ayn Rand”.
The Florida man, Frank Fleming, seemed mystified by the violent response. “I don’t get it. I named the bear after my favorite Christian saint, Paul, and my favorite male porn star, Ron Jeremy. All of a sudden, I’ve got crowds of freaks standing on my lawn, screaming that my bear is a sacrilege against the second coming of Benjamin Franklin. Or something. I had Rage Against the Machine on my iPod, so I didn’t catch it all. The point is, these people are weird and they smell like a mix of rancid butter and flop-sweat.”
Ron Paul ’08 campaign spokesman, Jesse Benton, argued that the protests were necessary to keep Dr. Paul’s name from besmirchment by the impious. “We believe in the one true Ron Paul, and live to serve his greatness, defending his glory from all enemies, both foreign and domestic, as it is written in the Holy Constitution, which Saint Thomas of Jefferson brought down on stone tablets from the sacred altar of Monticello. Besides, have you SEEN this bear? It has GLASSES! Ron Paul doesn’t wear glasses! He sees with a more perfect vision – through the lens of the Holy Constitution!”
Mr. Paul could not be reached for comment, as he was otherwise engaged in a whirlwind tour of Iowa giving his signature speech, “No, I’m NOT the husband of that lady who makes all the fish sticks.”