The venerable Archbishop of Canterbury has criticized America’s imperialism, saying that the United States wields its power in a way that is worse than Britain during its imperial heyday.
I find myself agreeing with him.
Britain TOTALLY kicked ass at imperialism! They had subject nations all around the globe. Back when England actually owned a set of bollocks, billions of primitive brown & yellow peoples learned to speak English, dress in suits, and drink tea instead of cow urine.
Ok, so that last one wasn’t necessarily a step up, but I think I make my point. England RULED! They were naming entire races of people “Indians” and subjugating the crap out of them centuries before the first Kennedy crashed his Oldsmobile into Plymouth Rock.
And speaking of Kennedys, judging by Ted, we’re doing an unconscionably poor job of starving the Irish, too.
How have we fallen so far? Our heritage is rooted deeply in the tyrannical stock of our jackbooted British ancestors, yet when Americans crusade across the ocean to liberate their little brown brothers… they actually liberate the PEOPLE! What incompetence! First you liberate their land, their cattle, their gold,… and a few of the comlier wenches (strictly for purposes of pleasure, mind you, not to actually – heaven forbid – breed with the filthy savages), THEN you start getting around to tossing out a bone or two of political liberty. IF they can prove their worth through prolonged armed resistance.
Or dressing in diapers & letting themselves be clubbed into bloody pulp. Either one.
Yet what have we so-called “imperialist” Americans accomplished in Iraq? NOTHING! The Iraqis can vote! They can own property! They don’t even have to bow and avert their eyes when an American walks by! Why, the arrogant sand-mongrels aren’t even possessed of sufficient decency or gratitude to make English their country’s official language – AND WE’RE NOT FORCING THE BASTARDS TO DO IT!
That whirring sound you hear is Queen Victoria spinning in her grave at around the same speed as a NASCAR motor at redline.
And those post election-pictures coming out of Iraq, showing people celebrating their political freedom by holding up their freshly-inked fingers – Digusting! Horrid! Blasphemy against the very notion of imperialism itself! The only Iraqis who should have inky fingers are the indentured servants in American-owned Iraqi newspaper factories, which should DAMN well only print headlines like “American Benevolence Cheered by Unworthy Yet Devotedly Loyal Middle Eastern Slave Scum”.
I take no joy in writing these words, but America’s attempts at imperialism are so half-hearted, so feeble, so stupefyingly inept, that we might as well hoist le Tricolore, print all our legal documents in French, and subjugate ourselves to our superiors in Paris.
Maybe being forced under penalty of death to drink their lighter-fluid-flavored wines and laugh at Jerry Lewis movies will teach us how an empire is SUPPOSED to be run.
Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Ronald McDonald: America’s Archbishop” and “Bootlicking & Genuflection: An Iranian Survival Guide for the Coming Invasion”.
Out-frickin’-standing!
I’ve been looking for a nice, comfy, waterproof jackboot for some time now, and can’t seem to find them. Any holiday suggestions?
Harv
Don’t give up on us yet. We still have Puerto Rico, guam, and some other pissant islands. See how well we’ve remade them in our image, like making them speak our langu….ummm…nevermind.
Brilliant! Another politically incorrect guide to how things should operate. As long as we’re going to be punished, we might as well do the crime, not that getting ours is a crime.
Wow – Neville Chamberlain in a pointy hat. Good groveling there, Rowan – it’ll come in handy when the Muslims of Londonistan demand the eradication of all non-Muslim places of worship (they’re very offensive).
P.S. I see you got a head start on the beard…
Does anyone else find it funny that we are accused of being imperialistic by an official from the quasi-Catholic Anglican church?!?
Gimme a break. We, as a nation, give billions of dollars and tons of food & fuel to other nations every year, even those nations who hate us! And that’s just what our government does. Then we have dozens of legitimate charities who attempt to do the same. Kinda opposite of what an empire does, wouldn’t you say?
I’ve heard left-leaning friends say the same stupid bullsh*t at get-togethers, how “we are imperialists” & how “the sun never sets on the American empire” & blah blah blah. When I point out that America puts more resources into other countries than they ever take out of it, they kinda go blank. Then they start muttering something about how we shouldn’t be doing that either!
Brilliant, Harvey. But where can I pick up a copy of Bootlicking & Genuflection: An Iranian Survival Guide for the Coming Invasion?
ooh! ooh! I want a copy of the Iranian Survival Guide too!
LOL, Harvey!
Maybe the Archbishop is still off his tea about the Pilgrims and the Scots running away from the C of E.
Or, about us Germans who came to the colonies and had the audacity to bring our nasty Hunnish congregational form of church government with us.
Or, he hasn’t quite forgiven us for that unseemly “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof” bit.
Or, he’s seen the most recent numbers regarding how many Americans versus Brits attend church regularly.
Eucharistic wine, or sour grapes, Mr. Archbishop?
I’ve always been in favor of American imperialism – especially the kind where we “decrease the surplus population” just in time for Christmas.
VERY funny, Harvey.
Harvey, this one is a keeper.
Harvey, your editorials are the best part of IMAO, and this one was one of the most brilliant.
All civilized European nations, and the French, have in the past maintained colonial peoples in subjugation. EVEN THE BELGIANS!!! We in the US inherited a few of these – Guam, Puerto Rico, the Phillipines, etc., when we kicked the Spanish out of Cuba, but we set the Phillipinos free on schedule (after a 5 decade preset period of protectorate status) and those born as Guamians and Ricans are CITIZENS of the US. So thank goodness manifest destiny was the prevailing ideology when we took everything West of the Louisiana Purchase and made it into territories, then states (excepting Texas, which made itself a sovereign state by kicking out the Mexicans, and which later voluntarily joined the US – GO AGGIES!). History is a wonderfully complicated thing. But our past does not preclude a further change of attitude in the US, leading to annexation or subjugation of foreign peoples by Joe Foo the Marine and his buddies in the future. I personally would suggest Canada. There’s good hunting there.
Hahahaha!
Good job, Harvey…thanks for taking us to task on our deplorable lack of imperialist subjugation skillz.
Oh, and I tend to agree with Mike RR above (Texas rules and GIG ‘EM AGGIES!).
Someone pointed out that the US put more money into Iraq infrastructure rebuillding in one year than all of the money the Brits spent on India during their entire occupation.
Then there was the money they got out of India.
Nice column. Chuckleworthy and intelligent. So rare.
OK I give up. Is “Bootlicking & Genuflection: An Iranian Survival Guide for the Coming Invasion” a fake book with a clever enough title to make me search futily for it all over the net and around town?