I was thinking: You can call President Bush a lame duck, but apparently he just woke up one day and said, “Know what would be awesome? If we shot a satellite in space with a missile. That would kick ass. Go do it.” And it was done. That’s awesome power right there. Totally awesome.
And think of the message it sends to America’s enemies: “Look at what we did to something in space. You’re on the ground, though. You’re nothing. We can hit you easy.” We should totally blow up more stuff in space to scare everyone else… like maybe the moon.
Archive of entries posted on 21st February 2008
Stuck in Afghanistan
IMAO is happy to hear that, after their helicopter had to have an emergency landing in Afghanistan, that Senators Kerry, Biden, and Hagel are all right. We know the military will be working hard to get them back home, but we’d like to remind them that’s there’s no rush. We have like ninety-seven other Senators. We’re good.
Can We Combine Hope and Change? Yes We Can!
An Editorial by Senator Barack Obama
Chocolate. Peanut butter. Each great things on their own, but when Albert Einstein discovered the two could be combined into something even greater, he was rightly hailed as a genius. Hope and change are each great things on their own, but I say it’s time we combine them into a tasty peanut butter cup of progress.
The American people seem to be desperate for hope and change. At each of my campaign stops, people come to me and say, “Osama…” — not my actual name, but I’m used to it — “…I like hope. I like change. I like kittens and bunny rabbits. But which should I choose?” I say to these future hopers and changers that there is no need to choose. We can have both hope and change, and then the kittens and the bunny rabbits will come when they sense the great hope and change that America has. With hope and change, anything is possible.
“I call that ‘hange’ which should not be confused with ‘chope’ which is the changing of hope.”
People talk about all the problems in the Middle East and how it seems America can do nothing but make it worse. To them I ask: Have you tried hope? Have you tried change? Have you tried hoping for change? I call that “hange” which should not be confused with “chope” which is the changing of hope. If we are worried about Iran getting nuclear weapons, then we should sit down with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and offer him hope. Who needs nuclear weapons when you are protected by hope? As for Pakistan we should offer them change in the form of bombing them or something. If that doesn’t work, then we can try offering them hope as well. And, as you know, I vow that we will get our troops out of Iraq. Better yet, I hope we will get our troops out of Iraq. Why? Because it’s a change. A change backed by hope.
Some say I’m arguing we should change in small jumps, but a small jump is a hop, not a hope. What I offer you that no other candidate does it change together with hope. Try and keep that straight even if you keep confusing my name with America’s number one enemy. And these are not empty words; hope and change are solutions. They are things I believe in. In the eight times I showed up for a vote in the Senate, when they called my name I said loudly and proudly, “I vote for hope!” When they told me I couldn’t do that, I changed my vote to “present.” But know that each of those are really a vote for either hope or change. Hope and change are what solve our problems. If you have a problem, I say you try applying hope to it. If that doesn’t work, try change. If the problem persists, try hope once more. Then make sure it’s plugged in. This should solve most any problem, or at least it helped when I had trouble with my new computer.
So why do we need both hope and change? Isn’t hope enough? Let me tell you a story. One night when the baby was crying and smelled horrible, my wife and I tried to solve the situations through hope. It didn’t work. Change was needed. Similarly, once a homeless man came to me and asked for change. I offered him hope, but he was not satisfied. You see, hope must be backed by change.
Am I saying all hope and change is good? No. One change I don’t like is when people change my name to “Osama.” Please stop that. I know it’s only a one letter difference and easy to confuse, but come on. As for hope, I am against hope that America will be destroyed. That’s just something my wife and I will have to agree to disagree about. Am I saying that hope and change can solve everything? No. I have yet to come up with a hope and change solution to an asteroid heading towards earth, but I am working on it. So as your president, I will do my best to sort good hope from bad hope and good change from bad change and occasionally use something other than hope or change if needed. Still, I will strive to use both hope and change for most everything, and I will task our best philosophers on using hope and change to protect us from all things, including asteroids. And zombies.
So, for the cause of a greater America, can we combine hope and change? Yes we can, America. Yes we can.
Or so I hope.
Barack Obama is a U.S. Senator from Illinois whose greatest accomplishment is having written this editorial for IMAO… though most of it was borrowed from a previous work by Deval Patrick.
Obama Meets Edwards to Seek Endorsement, Swap Wives
DURHAM, N.C. (AP) – Presidential hopeful Barack Obama travelled to John Edwards’s Chapel Hill home last Sunday to discuss the possibility of Edwards endorsing Obama’s candidacy and to swap wives.
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“As the last serious Democratic candidate to drop out of the 2008 race, Edwards still has a lot of followers,” said Obama. “Getting his endorsement would lend even greater legitimacy to my historic run for the White House. Also, I enjoy nailing white women, and Elizabeth really makes me ‘go up in the polls’, if you know what I mean.”
Now that Edwards has dropped out, he’s relishing his new role as “kingmaker” in the Democratic primaries almost as much as he relishes the sexual libertinism of his open marriage. “With the Democrats down to two candidates, my endorsement – and my 61 delegates – could end up making the difference in who gets the nod at the convention. It’s a heavy responsibility and a difficult choice. Deciding to get busy with Michelle Obama was MUCH easier. Once I saw her do that butt-vibrating booty-shake thing of hers, I knew I had to get me some of that brown sugar.”
Although Edwards has not yet openly committed his endorsement to Obama, the nation’s first serious black presidential candidate was cautiously optimitic about his chances of getting both Edwards’s blessing and hot wife-swapping action. “Edwards and I share a lot of positions: ending the war, fighting poverty, and universal health care. Not to mention doggy style, and reverse cowgirl. I honestly don’t think Hillary can say the same thing, since she supported the war and is strictly missionary.”
America’s first serious woman presidential candidate dismissed the rumors circulating about the meaning of the Edwards-Obama meeting. “Just because they’ve talked doesn’t mean that Edwards will definitely be giving Obama his patronage or access to his wife’s intimate body parts,” said Hillary. “Everyone knows that the Clintons have a lot of pull in the Democratic party, and if Edwards cares about his political future, he’ll throw his weight and his wife my way.”
For the First Time in My Adult Life, I’m Proud of America
Isn’t it amazing to think how humanity made it from a primitive people living in caves sharpening spears to launching spy satellites into space… and then blowing up those satellites with missiles launched from sea when we no longer needed them. I think the lesson there is don’t @#$% with America.