There is a growing menace in our country, one greater than anything else we face. This group of people is a continuing threat to our way of life. They are inhuman beasts and incapable of restraint. I am speaking of course of celebrities. They have great power and great irresponsibility, using their influence to further the cause of stupidity and licentiousness while going on crazed, drug-addled rampages. They think that, because of their power, they are above the standards of normal people. They are a continuing and growing danger, and that’s why we have to give celebrities the attention they warrant.
The first step is a Celebrity Registration Act. It will put into law that all celebrities must register with either the government or People magazine. The public must then be notified whenever a registered celebrity is coming to their town or mall’s opening. Registration is only the first step, though. Next, they must be monitored. The most dangerous celebrities should be followed with cameras at all times, their every move recorded and broadcast to a concerned public. More minor celebrity threats only need be monitored periodically in a “Where Are They Now” segment on a cable channel.
To make tracking easier, celebrities should be simple code designation made from from character strings such as “J-Lo” or “K-Fed.” Tracking results should be published weekly in journals made available to the public at the library or in the check-out line at supermarkets. For especially concerned citizens, they should be able to have those journals delivered to their home at substantial savings off the cover price.
When celebrities step outside the law or befall tragedy, it is most important that all Americans hear about it. Repeatedly. Such news should have precedence over anything else that is happening either domestically or foreign. Nothing should concern us more. All aspects of any surrounding trial should be scrutinized publicly, and any tidbit about it — no matter how minor it seems — should be shared with the American people. To help reform celebrities, certain out of the way places should be designated to allow them to detox. Only under these special conditions can monitoring of a celebrity cease.
Because of the menace and vile influence of celebrities, their coupling is of great concern to us. If any are to marry, we must know immediately and be allowed to see photos. No celebrity marriage should ever be allowed to happen in secret. Of even greater importance is whether celebrities have children, creating and even more vapid generation of celebrities to come. Thus, if video is ever found of one of them engaged in the act of reproduction, it should be made available on the internet at once. When one produces spawn, pictures of the baby must be made public as soon as possible… even if the said pictures cost millions. Also, whatever weird alien name celebrities give their children should be put in the news over and over until we know the names better than that of our own kids.
The threat of celebrities can only be diminished if we pay them constant attention. That’s why everything I propose should be put into effect yesterday. Also, celebrities should have to respond to my e-mails.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam” and “The Big Book of Famous Celebrities You’ve Never Heard Of”.
If this means I get to see Lindsay Lohan taking a shower whenever I want (rather than having to find out where she’ll be, set up the hidden cameras, etc.), I’m all for it!
I heart Frank J. (in a totally non-stalking, already married and in love with my husband kind of way). Frank makes me laugh and laugh and laugh…
I’m only for this if you count athletes as celebrities. Paying millions of dollars to TO can only appease him for so long.
You know, its their number that concern me. We need to thin the herd. Have you contacted the BLM to see if we can get some legislation passed so we can hunt celebrity for sport?
So you heard about Snoop Dogg’s 11th arrest… Like that’s even news anymore.
We could even influence them. If they refuse to act in a reasonably adult manner, we could ban the services from reporting on them.
Nothing works to straighten them out like a threat to actually forget them.
echoing Mastershake slightly…”If this means I get to Dean Cain showering whenever I want…”
You get the point.
What this make’s me worry about is people like Frank obtaining celebrity status. I’m not sure I want to see him showering. (jabbing out eyes with pencil!!!)
God bless the late great Joe McCarthy. He tried to do the right thing and was destroyed for it.
His terrible crime was wanting Hollywood-types to answer a simple question: Are you a communist? Unfortunately, as Joe tried to prove to everyone, most of them are.
Once again it’s Frank J who has identified the problem and then stepped up to the plate and offered well reasoned and easy to implement solutions! I stand in shock and awe! You missed the “porking” factor, however. We must know which celebrity is “porking” what other celebrity/non-celebrity/beast of burden/etc. Lists of Porkers and Porkees will be added to the Supermarket Check-out lines–
What this make’s me worry about is people like Frank obtaining celebrity status.
I think that he’s already attained it, and we should all refer to him as “F-Flem” from now on.
I had f-flem. The doctor gave me a decongestant to get rid of it.
ummmmm……. I don’t think that blog is actually satire.
Hunting celebrities for sport? Sorry, but somehow I don’t see that as thrilling. Stalking the wilds of Beverly Hills, Brentwood and the upper West Side for trophy heads sounds kind of tame to me.
However, Frank’s right. There’s a definite need for celebrity tracking. I vote for tranquilizer darts, GPS tracking collars and ear-tags.
We could have yearly cullings. If a celbrity releases a movie or album that does not earn more than the cost to produce it then they should be culled for the sake of the environment. If we start thinning out the herd a bit then it will produce stronger celebs and better movies and music. Besides we can only realistically sustain a certain amount of the famous and this would be helpful for the planet.
I’m with Derek. Culling the Celebrity herd would mean less gas-guzzling SUV’s, Limos, Sports cars and Private jets. Also, less energy would be consumed lighting their mansions. Also, we’d have fewer drunk and/or drug-addled folks on the roads. I think Celebrity Hunting is a great benefit to mankind all around.