“Mr. President, what’s going on?” Tony Snow asked.
“Shh!” Bush held a knife ready to cut a rope that came through the window of the Oval Office. “I’m trying to drop a piano on Chuck Hagel. This took a lot of time to set up, so don’t screw it up! I even had to convince the staff I wanted a new piano and the only way to get was to bring it up through the window here.”
Tony looked around. “They took out a wall.”
“Yeah, and then I had to set up a dummy corporation, get it listed on NASDAQ, rough it through a trouble quarter, and finally get enough credibility that I could have it offer a humanitarian award to Chuck Hagel that’s about to awarded to him right below this piano.”
“Did this corporation have any employees?” Tony asked.
“It won’t tomorrow.” Bush watched out the window. “Now!” He sliced the rope and outside there was a loud, musical crash followed by a scream. “Aww… I only got his leg.” He closed the window. “Well, I did my best. So, did you need something, Snowman?”
“Well… there’s… um… you know there’s a huge crowd gasping in horror out there?”
“There pretty much always is. Just ignore them. Now spit it out, Tony.”
He held out some papers. “There’s some domestic business to handle–”
“What?! Haven’t I done enough presidenting for one week?! I thought this was going to be about ice cream?”
“Um… ice cream?”
“Yeah. Like maybe you had some ice cream for me.”
“Huh?”
Bush sighed. “You are so stupid, Snowman. So, what is this domestic business?”
“Well, apparently, when you last visited Mexico, you left the gate open when you came back and a ton of Mexicans flooded in.”
Bush laughed. “Yeah, I ‘accidentally’ left it open. There’s nothing I love more than flooding this country with Mexicans. Know who I hate, Snowman?”
“The American people?”
“Yep. They’re whiny.”
Harry Reid stormed into the room. “We Democrats have our new plan for your war.” He slammed the plan down on Bush’s desk.
Bush looked the plan over. “This isn’t a war plan! This is a losing plan!” Bush leaped over the desk and grabbed Reid. “I told you I don’t want to hear anymore of you Democrats and losing!” He started slamming Reid’s head into the desk over and over while screaming, “No losing! No losing!” After a few seconds, he stopped and looked at Tony. “Slamming his head into the desk just isn’t working anymore. I think I need to slam the desk into his head. You hold him still on the ground and then I’ll push the desk over on top of his face.”
Reid struggled free and ran away. “You’re crazy! You even tried to hit Nancy Pelosi with a car!”
“I thought she was a muskrat!” Bush shouted back. “If you ever come here again to talk about losing, I’ll murder you dead!”
“I don’t think that’s the way to get bipartisan support, sir,” Tony said.
Bush sat back behind his desk. “I’m going to flood Nevada with Mexicans; that will teach him.”
Tony noticed a weird device on a shelf. “What’s this?”
“I heard all about this thing called global warming,” Bush explained, “so I bought that to measure my carbon footprint.”
Tony looked at it more careful. “The meter is all the way at maximum.”
“Yeah, I was burning tires in here earlier. Carbon is important for life, you know; we’re carbon-based lifeforms.”
“I had heard that. Anyway, Mr. President, what should we do about the new flood of illegal immigrants?”
“The usual. Give them the jobs of hardworking Americans and tell anyone who complains to stop hating brown people.”
Tony sighed. “I love press conferences.” He slowly walked out of the Oval Office.
“Next time you come back, make sure you have ice cream!” Bush went back to reading his comic books. “Idiot.”