It’s girl night, so there’s hope on the viewing couch. Right off the bat, they can’t find Paula. Have you checked the vodka sellers, Ryan? I hear she visits them from time to time. I see that Gina is dressed all edgy; I figured she would be, because she listens to Simon. Ryan says tomorrow night they announce details of the biggest AI project to date. If it’s that AI camp, I’m not interested.
By the time the cameras pan to the judges, Paula has been located. Simon says she was under the judges’ desk. Randy says retrieving something for him, and immediately Ryan thinks dirty. Everyone spouts the standard line about it being a family show. That’s the new line for the last two or three years. The standard. “This is a family show.” “A family blog.” “A family restaurant.” “You can’t say that here, this is a family.” People are always blaming the family, the children. Poor kids. I think I’m going to start a new one, take a little responsibility. “You can’t say that here, I have morals.”
I have to warn you. I’m cranky.
01… Jordin Sparks. Yeah, I’ve decided for some reason that I don’t care for her as a performer. I think it’s because she’s giddy non-stop. Happy, sad, she’s smiling all the time. Her big reveal is that she loves football so much and used to want to play football but gave it up a long time ago for singing. And she’s going to sing Pat Benatar? Huh. “Heartbreaker”. I hate to say it, because she’s a much much much better singer than Haley Scarnato, but this reminds me so much of the Queen of the Armpits performance from last week. She’s got so much better pipes than this song shows off, and she went boring, fast, safe. What’s up with that song choice? RANDY: Hot! Different show! Pitchy but so much better than the boys! PAULA: Energy! You only get better! SIMON: I’m not as enthusiastic as the dumb judges. A bit manic, a little shrieky. You’ve done well, you’ll be back next week, but it’s not your strongest performance. SARAHK: And manic Jordin can hardly contain herself with all her giddiness. Paula, can Jordin have one of your Valiums? Do it for me, sugar? The fizzy pep ball is overdoing herself. Oh, to the singing. Honestly, it was karaoke, nothing better. I’m disappointed.
02… Sabrina Sloan used to want to be Katie Couric. Blarf. She used to host the school talent program or something. Anyway, moving on. What is with her song choice? Are you kidding me with this En Vogue song from what? The ’80s? I have to look it up. “Don’t Let Go”. Ok, 1996. Eleven years. You either need to go way back or get current. Don’t go to the mid-’90s for your mediocre song choice! Is Antonella picking your songs? The dress is a pretty color (I do love brown), and she looks mostly pretty, but it looks like it’s made of squishy foam material, and I can’t get past that. I also get hung up on the way she squat-walks around stage. Ok, apparently I hated this performance. The singing was mediocre and nasal, too. Not impressed tonight.That song choice was awful! RANDY: Not my favorite song choice, you did your thing, you were pitchy, good and solid. PAULA: You can sing sing sing. You look beautiful. Energy is fantastic! SIMON: You’re a great singer, but you lack emotion. Robotic. Bad song choice. Hotel resort performance. You’re a great singer, but you need personality. You’re too mechanical. SARAHK: Who the heck picks your songs? I’m mad at you tonight. Ugh. Not a happy me. RYAN: Deserve to be in the top 12? ALL JUDGES: Yes.
03… Antonella Barba plays the violin and still teaches lessons when she goes home for the summer. Is anyone else nostalgic for Baylie Brown right now? ‘Member her and that nice husky voice? Yeah, me too. Anyway, Antonella is up and singing a song with all kinds of tuning issues. She’s singing “Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae. This is actually a good song choice for her, but it’s a gigantic mess. It’s horrific. She’s hitting bad notes in every bar and grabbing her stomach to steady herself. She looks pretty. Even I’m throwing in the sympathy “she looks pretty”. But it’s not good. RANDY: Good song choice, but it was just ok. I think you’re better than you’ve shown in the last couple of weeks. PAULA: Your high range is good, low range is bad, good song choice. SIMON: You’ve gone as far as you can go. I don’t know how much more you can do. I feel for you, because you’ve taken a lot of stick in the media, and you’ve handled yourself well throughout, and no one should have to go through that. [Applause and Antonella actually thanks Simon for saying so. The first sign of respect she’s ever shown him.] But I’m not going to patronize you. It wasn’t your worst performance, we’ve heard you sound worse, I just don’t think you can go any further. SARAHK: It’s true. That Armageddon song was way worse. But this was not good. I think the Bad Girls 15 Seconds Train is leaving this week, and she should pack her bags.
Archive of entries posted on 7th March 2007
LOST
LOST is so snarkworthy. I’m not going to detail-snark it or anything. Just have a little fun while we watch. Feel free to join in. My American Idol review will be up late tonight. If you’re sitting on the edge of your seats wondering, I voted at least 10 times for Gina Glocksen and twice for Melinda. I was a little unnerved, because I never got a busy signal on any of them. And they were the only two worth voting for.
Anyway, on with LOST.
I agree with Sawyer. Those unknown characters don’t get an opinion. And they should be wearing red shirts. I’m a little worried about Hurley, since he is wearing a red shirt.
Wow. The last living member of the Dharma Initiative! And Frank has to go pee. He always does that.
The Others were there for a lot longer than the Dharma Initiative. Eyepatchy calls The Others “The Hostiles”. But if The Others were there first, maybe that makes DI the hostiles.
Eyepatchy’s cat has the same name as Sayid’s old girlfriend. That’s interesting. The Others always seem to know stuff about the Non-Others’ pasts, so Eyepatchy sounds Othery.
Sayid agrees. And thinks Eyepatchy and his furry friend are not alone.
What YouTube sees in Turkey…
Michelle Malkin shows us the true meaning of satire. YouTube has been banned in Turkey.
Read her post.
Michelle, this one’s for you. This is what YouTube sees when they try to watch their videos while in Turkey.
Close enough for Government work…
A batch of the new George Washington Dollar Coins minted in Philadelphia lack “In God We Trust” on the edge, along with “E Pluribus Unum” and the year and mint marking.
Of course, we all know what this means…
In My World: Curse of the Scooter
“The supervillian Lewis Libby, better known as ‘The Scooter’ has finally been brought to justice,” the anchorman announced. “Though he was found not guilty on charges of trying to mutate D.C.’s population by contaminating the water supply, trying to take over the world through mind control embedded in pop songs, and holding Canada hostage with a stolen Russian nuclear bomb, he was convicted for lying during an investigation of the outing of a non-secret agent.”
The TV showed The Scooter being brought to jail. “No prison can hold me!” he shouted. “You’ll pay for this! You all will! I’ll lie in investigations of non-crimes until all society falls apart! Muh ha ha ha!”
On screen came Patrick Fitzgerald. “I want everyone to know that there is no need for further indictments now that The Scooter is behind bars. You can finally all sleep soundly tonight, citizens.” He then fired his grappling gun into the air and zipped away.
President Bush turned off the TV and shivered. “To think that such a monster had been a part of my administration!”
“I just can’t believe anyone thought I had anything to do with him,” Dick Cheney said.
Bush nodded. “That is crazy. You can’t be evil; you love kittens.”
“I do love kittens.” Cheney reached into a bowl of kittens, took a handful of them, and swallowed them whole. “Mmm… fresh kittens.”
“And then people were also besmirching the character of Karl Rove!” Bush exclaimed. “Sweet cuddly Rover who loves children so much!”
“Only their souls,” hissed a voice in the shadows.
“Well, we have to be more careful who we associate with,” Bush said. “Anyway, I have Ann Coulter coming over to help write my next speech.”
Cheney dipped a kitten in ranch dressing. “I thought she was busy leading hordes of college Republicans to beat up gay people.”
“Oh yeah.” Bush shrugged. “That’s why Coulter is worth the price; you get more than just a speech from her.”
There was a knock at the door of the Oval Office. Bush answered and outside stood John Edwards. “Ann Coulter said mean things about me, so please help me raise $100,000.”
Bush reached for his wallet. “Sure thing, Kenneth.”
“Kenneth? Who do you think I am?”
Bush stared at him. “Aren’t you that nice kid from 30 Rock?”
“I’m former Senator John Edwards!”
“What?” Bush put his wallet away. “I bet you have more than $100,000 in your wallet right now! What would you use the money for, anyway? Add another wing to the doghouse behind your mansion?”
“I’m actually more of a cat person.”
Bush sighed. “Of course you are.”
“Was that a slur!” Edwards shouted.
“No, but I’m thinking of some!” Bush punched Edwards in the nose and slammed the door. He then turned to Cheney and said proudly, “I punched John Edwards in the nose.”
“I saw. Very decisive.”
“So what’s next? Do the Democrats have a new plan for failure in Iraq?”
“No, just an old plan with a new name. They’re calling it a ‘Reverse-Momentum Surge.'”
“Ooh!” Bush rifled through his desk drawer. “I should trick sign with invisible ink! That should be hilarious!”
“I don’t know if they’ll fall for that a tenth time.”
Air raid sirens started blaring. “Aieee!” Bush ducked behind his desk. “The Scooter has escaped!”
The Scooter smashed through the window on his flying rocket hover scooter. “Knoxville is the capital of Tennessee!”
Bush stood up and pointed an accusing finger at The Scooter. “That’s a lie! You’re just lucky I’m not conducting a federal investigation!”
“Muh ha ha ha!” The Scooter laughed as he flew away.
Cheney surveyed the damage. “Well… that could be trouble. So where is the nearest microwave?”
“You’re not melting cheese on a kitten!”
Likelihood Of Something
Ron Coleman, who left Dean’s World because he had the audacity of being an anti-Islamofascist Joo, is back with a vengeance!
He has a new pop culture/general interest blog to use an outlet for his pop culture-ness and general interestosity.
He’s named it Likelihood of Success which is a bounce off his blawg the Likelihood of Confusion.
Here is a sample where he gives rather compelling photographic evidence that Al Gore is Fat.
Looking Stupid
After a few years of blogging, I’ve hit on one essential truth: there are millions of cowards willing to say things about you online that they’d never say to you in a bar. That’s the baseline definition of snark: catty words spewed on a screen but never uttered to a face. Blogging has created a chorus line of cowards — coin-throwers who would never take the stage or put themselves in the line of fire. The World Wide Web has revealed, sadly, that as a country we’re losing the will to fight real wars, preferring instead to be nonproductive wusses, incapable of delivering anything more than a snide aside to the outside world, via the “send” button.
They let Greg Gutfeld write for The American Spectator, and it’s actually pretty good. I would have expected entertaining, but this is more than his blog posts on HuffPo. He also hits on an essential truth that is not mentioned enough: It takes courage to be willing to look stupid.
Of course, the counter-point to that is sometimes all it takes is stupidity.