“The supervillian Lewis Libby, better known as ‘The Scooter’ has finally been brought to justice,” the anchorman announced. “Though he was found not guilty on charges of trying to mutate D.C.’s population by contaminating the water supply, trying to take over the world through mind control embedded in pop songs, and holding Canada hostage with a stolen Russian nuclear bomb, he was convicted for lying during an investigation of the outing of a non-secret agent.”
The TV showed The Scooter being brought to jail. “No prison can hold me!” he shouted. “You’ll pay for this! You all will! I’ll lie in investigations of non-crimes until all society falls apart! Muh ha ha ha!”
On screen came Patrick Fitzgerald. “I want everyone to know that there is no need for further indictments now that The Scooter is behind bars. You can finally all sleep soundly tonight, citizens.” He then fired his grappling gun into the air and zipped away.
President Bush turned off the TV and shivered. “To think that such a monster had been a part of my administration!”
“I just can’t believe anyone thought I had anything to do with him,” Dick Cheney said.
Bush nodded. “That is crazy. You can’t be evil; you love kittens.”
“I do love kittens.” Cheney reached into a bowl of kittens, took a handful of them, and swallowed them whole. “Mmm… fresh kittens.”
“And then people were also besmirching the character of Karl Rove!” Bush exclaimed. “Sweet cuddly Rover who loves children so much!”
“Only their souls,” hissed a voice in the shadows.
“Well, we have to be more careful who we associate with,” Bush said. “Anyway, I have Ann Coulter coming over to help write my next speech.”
Cheney dipped a kitten in ranch dressing. “I thought she was busy leading hordes of college Republicans to beat up gay people.”
“Oh yeah.” Bush shrugged. “That’s why Coulter is worth the price; you get more than just a speech from her.”
There was a knock at the door of the Oval Office. Bush answered and outside stood John Edwards. “Ann Coulter said mean things about me, so please help me raise $100,000.”
Bush reached for his wallet. “Sure thing, Kenneth.”
“Kenneth? Who do you think I am?”
Bush stared at him. “Aren’t you that nice kid from 30 Rock?”
“I’m former Senator John Edwards!”
“What?” Bush put his wallet away. “I bet you have more than $100,000 in your wallet right now! What would you use the money for, anyway? Add another wing to the doghouse behind your mansion?”
“I’m actually more of a cat person.”
Bush sighed. “Of course you are.”
“Was that a slur!” Edwards shouted.
“No, but I’m thinking of some!” Bush punched Edwards in the nose and slammed the door. He then turned to Cheney and said proudly, “I punched John Edwards in the nose.”
“I saw. Very decisive.”
“So what’s next? Do the Democrats have a new plan for failure in Iraq?”
“No, just an old plan with a new name. They’re calling it a ‘Reverse-Momentum Surge.'”
“Ooh!” Bush rifled through his desk drawer. “I should trick sign with invisible ink! That should be hilarious!”
“I don’t know if they’ll fall for that a tenth time.”
Air raid sirens started blaring. “Aieee!” Bush ducked behind his desk. “The Scooter has escaped!”
The Scooter smashed through the window on his flying rocket hover scooter. “Knoxville is the capital of Tennessee!”
Bush stood up and pointed an accusing finger at The Scooter. “That’s a lie! You’re just lucky I’m not conducting a federal investigation!”
“Muh ha ha ha!” The Scooter laughed as he flew away.
Cheney surveyed the damage. “Well… that could be trouble. So where is the nearest microwave?”
“You’re not melting cheese on a kitten!”
And he would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids!
“Well, we have to be more careful who we associate with,” Bush said. “Anyway, I have Ann Coulter coming over to help write my next speech.”
Bwhahahahaha. Btw, I got your book Frank! It’s so great! And your self portrait shows forth talent not unlike Rembrandt or Michelangelo…=P Everybody buy Frank’s book!
I love it. Someone please explain to the Arkansas readers that Knoxville isn’t the capital of Tennessee, it’s Dollywood.
Emily – quit sucking up. Frank’s ego is big enough already. Buy the book to help SarahK pay for the Wii games her husband buys.
dang funny! this would be perfect skit comedy, if you had the right people playing the parts.whenever i read Bush’s quotes, i hear the voice from the Wizard of Oz IMAO podcast; my kids (11,15,19) LOVE that one!
keep up hte funny!
Not since Libidinous Lad (das slickmeister), Ineffectual Man (Algore) and with their irritating side kick, Gorgon Gal (guess who?) has there been such a impressive evil villain.
The options for costuming are just too hysterical to think about. Must stop now….ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Nice. I’ll be sure to send Cheney an order of Kitty con Queso to speed his recovery.
//”And then people were also besmirching the character of Karl Rove!” Bush exclaimed. “Sweet cuddly Rover who loves children so much!”
“Only their souls,” hissed a voice in the shadows.//
//”No, but I’m thinking of some!” Bush punched Edwards in the nose and slammed the door. He then turned to Cheney and said proudly, “I punched John Edwards in the nose.”
“I saw. Very decisive.”//
DAMN YOU, FRANK!!! I LAUGHED SO HARD I BIT MY TONGUE!!!! F*CKING HURTS!!!
Kitten con Queso wouldn’t be Kosher, would it?
Can Kitty blending be far behind?
“Though he was found not guilty on charges of trying to mutate D.C.’s population by contaminating the water supply, trying to take over the world through mind control embedded in pop songs, and holding Canada hostage with a stolen Russian nuclear bomb, he was convicted for lying during an investigation of the outing of a non-secret agent.”
niiiice! more IMW brilliance (but dammit, Chuck Hagel didn’t die in this one either! hopefully The Scooter will help out in another edition)
“Mmm…fresh kittens.”
Flying rocket hover scooter? That’s priceless.
“Can Kitty blending be far behind?”
You can’t blend kittens.
You lose all of the flavor that way.
Cheney should try some kitty juice.
“What’s kitty juice?”, you ask.
You make it the same way you make orange juice, but you use kitties instead of oranges. (Old Alf joke.)
I’m here all week.
“That’s why Coulter is worth the price; you get more than just a speech from her.”
Heh heh heh.
“That’s why Coulter is worth the price; you get more than just a speech from her.”
Heh heh heh.
Wow. A double post five minutes apart.
That’s gotta be a record.
Ladies and Gentlemen: Announcing Damian G… Winner of the IMAOer with the Slowest Internet Connection.
If I would have known about the contest DesertElephant, I’m fairly certain my turtle speed connection would have won.
Wow. A double post five minutes apart.
That’s gotta be a record.
…oh, wait
nevermind
(see what hanging out with Ann gets you D)
I melted cheese on a kitten once. It took forever! That’s why I use the microwave now.
Gunga,
I prefer to dip them in a nice Fondue. Cheesy goodness and the fun of a skewer.