Just go to Volokh Conspiracy and start reading. This seems like it should be a big deal, but, since the majority of states are now right to carry, it just seemed like constitutional rulings in favor of individual gun rights were coming. It’s as if D.C. and Chicago are stuck in the past with old primitive laws, such as having segregation still on the books. Guess we’ll have to send down the national guard to protect people going into a gun store.
No, I guess they wouldn’t need that since they’ll be at a gun store.

IMAO is proud to present its new daughter company, EarthSpell Corp., a business dedicated to selling carbon offsets and magic beans. I hope you’ll take the time to read about and consider investing in this exciting new emerging market.
EARTHSPELL CORP. FAQ
Q. Why devote a corporation to both carbon offsets and magic beans?
A. While those products seem to be quite dissimilar, studies have shown a large overlap in the consumers interested in such items allowing a unique synergy in the two market efforts that use similar paradigms. Did I say proactive? I should have put the word “proactive” in there somewhere.
Q. How are they similar?
A. Both carbon offsets and magic beans evoke senses of wonder and hope for the future and appeal to creative individuals who believe strongly in magic/science.
Q. How do magic beans work?
A. Magic!
Q. How do carbon offsets work?
A. Science!
Q. What benefits can I expect from the use of magic beans?
A. Due to their strong magic, the only limit to magic beans is your own imagination. Your beans could grow into a beanstalk leading to a city floating on a cloud or perhaps sprout into a fairy princess. Who knows what the magic will unleash?

Carbon offsets and magic beans for happy children!

Q. What benefits can I expect from the use of carbon offsets?
A. Due to the strong science behind them, there is no limit to carbon output that can be canceled out by our offsets. Our carbon offsets can give you a carbon-neutral lifestyle with no extra effort on your part. If you buy carbon offsets, you can help save the world, and is there anything more important than that? According to our surveys, the answer is either “No” or “Jesus.”
Q. How can I trust the magic in your magic beans?
A. You can trust it because we hire sorcerers from the world-renowned Merlin Council which only approves sorcerers who passed numerous magic tests. Their bean enchantments are surpassed by none.
Q. How can I trust that the carbon offsets I purchase will offset the specified amount?
A. All our scienticians have degrees in the field of carbon offsettery. Plus, you know you can trust them because they have white lab coats and thick-rimmed glasses and use big scientific terms you’ve never heard of like “afforestation.”
Q. Can I eat magic beans?
A. Yes you can, but make sure you’re ready for the responsibility of the new superpowers you could quite possibly develop.
Q. Can I eat carbon offsets?
A. Yes. You receive a certificate representing your offset, and its carbon offsetting power works even if the certificate has been chewed and digested.
Q. Can magic beans offset carbon?
A. Quite possibly since there is no limit to their potential due to the magic involved. Still, only our carbon offsets are scientifically certified for the purposes of offsetting our carbon.
Q. What do you say to charges that your carbon offsets and/or magic beans are a ploy to get money from the gullible?
A. That is simply outrageous. It is sad that some people are so politically motivated and/or lacking in imagination as to denigrate efforts to fill our world with magic and/or save the environment.
Q. I’m not quite sold on your carbon offsets, but I would like to buy some magic beans. How much are they?
A. Only $10 a bag.
Q. Is there any guarantee they’re not just dried beans from a Goya bag?
A. No.

It’s Friday, so it’s time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.
However, this week’s different… this week we’re going to start a new feature called:

WHAT IS MAHMOUD ABBAS PRAYING FOR?
So, from Mahmoud Abbas’ expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?
Is it:

a) Hummus-flavored Bubble Yum.

b) Darth Vader to update his Twitter account more often. Oh, and for Paula Abdul to just shut the hell up.

c) The EU to recognize this while Unity Government thing at face value like they’ve done with everything else.

d) The sequel to Buckaroo Banzai.

e) Prince to play a concert in Ramallah, penis-shaped guitar neck or not.
or
f) NONE OF THE ABOVE
Put your guesses in the comments.

People always ask me (and by “always”, I mean “never”), “Harv, how come it takes you so darn long to get those Fun Facts About Those 50 States posts done?”
Well, it’s because of the crude, labor-intensive creative technique involved. The humor mine, she no surrender her gems easily.
What I do is start with a list of state-related information & trivia, and “spice up” some of the facts. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s like removing your own appendix without anesthetic.
For example, here’s a Wisconsin fact that I stared at for half an hour before throwing my hands up in disgust and moving on to a softer target:

“In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River.”

So… how would YOU spice that one up?

Democrats have decided on a timetable to pull out of Iraq. How did they decide on it? Through the intense strategic analysis they’re known for. First they used a Risk game board with Startego playing pieces to map out the battlefield and run through scenarios. Next, they looked up Iraq on Wikipedia. Then they did cocaine that was cut with detergent. After that, they went to the circus. When they were scared by clowns, they went to a gay bar downtown to settle their nerves. Later, they threw darts at a calendar to pick the dates for withdrawal. When no one could hit the calendar, they just used their pets’ birthdays.

The face of war.

It’s a dynamic plan. We could lose the war by the end of the year, but, if things go well, the plan says we instead lose in the fall of next year. Regardless, the plan says definitively that the war will be lost. It also states that they despise the troops and everything they fight for and that their going to go to Walter Reed and break all the plumbing with a hammer to show their contempt for all things military. It also includes a non-binding resolution to laugh at the fate of the Iraqis after America retreats. Thus, it’s a well thought-out plan that covers all the bases.
President Bush has vowed to veto the plan and then let his dog Barney pee on it. If he were truly a leader, though, he would publicly whiz on the bill himself instead of delegating the task.
The Marines in Iraq are happy, but that’s because they’re confused about the scope of the plan and think it’s about the Democrats leaving Iraq. They’ve always been scared there are Democrats amongst them and will be glad to have a firm date when they know they’ll be gone. Poor Marines. But, don’t worry, newly trained Lieutenant Joe foo’ the Marine will soon be there to lead you to victory! He’s my brother and he’s at least a third as smart as me (which is really really smart). Also, he makes nachos with three kinds of cheese.
So why do Democrats want to lose so badly? Because they remember their greatest accomplishment: Losing the Vietnam War. Now they hope they can lose wars with much less casualties. One day, they hope they can urge pull out and simply the threat of American troops being hurt.
“They’re shooting back! We have to pull out troops now!”
When that happens, we will no longer ever get involved in any wars and we’ll have like peace or something. Terrorists or other mean people may still attack, but this will be the future so we’ll just shoot them with our time ray and let Jesus deal with them.
Once again, this is all outlined in the Democrats’ plan.