In honor of St. Patrick’s day, I thought I’d take the time to share a few items that I made turned up while researching the Emerald Isle:

• Ireland was founded in 432 AD by a group of masochists who actually ENJOYED leading bleak lives of hopeless despair. Many of their descendants would later emigrate to Chicago and become Cubs fans.
• In 1998 Danny O’Malley of Dublin created the first internet search engine to specialize in Irish-related information: Alcohoogle.
• Currently, every search term entered returns the Guinness home page.
• To prevent illegal immigration into the country, Irish Border Patrol members guard the country’s beaches by hurling empty whiskey bottles at swimmers.
• The Irish possess the most unstoppable Special Forces in the world, which are capable of successfully invading any nation with at least one distillery.
• According to noted zoologist Jonathan Swift, the Irish – unlike rattlesnakes – really DO taste like chicken.
• Ireland has long been famous for the irritable temperament of its inhabitants. It used to be called Angerland, until St. Patrick realized that “ire” was a much more sophisticated-sounding word.
• The national symbol of Ireland is the shamrock. Which used to be called the “samrock”, but the new pronunciation quickly took over, since that’s how a liquored-to-the-gills Irishman would pronounce it, anyway.
• Another important symbol of Ireland is the hardwood cudgel known as the “shillelagh”. Which used to be called a “salay”, but changed for the same reason as the samrock.
• In a fight between Aquaman and Ireland, Aquaman would die messily when his dolphin “mysteriously” exploded, with the IRA claiming responsibility shortly afterwards.
• The Irish are a clever and inventive people who are popularly credited with inventing several different types of bar soap. None of which they’ve been able to sell to France.
• Which really sucks, because France is upwind.
• Before switching to the Euro in 1999, the Irish had a dual currency system, where both Guinness bottle caps and whiskey labels circulated freely alongside each other.
• There was also a brief experimental period with British currency, but – like most things in Ireland featuring the Queen’s portrait – the bills quickly became too spit-soaked for practical usage.
• Although the Irish claim to have their own language, it’s actually just a form of English that they picked up from watching Lucky Charms commercials.
• Even though Ireland thinks it’s better than the US, I think the fact that Americans can dance AND use their arms at the same time proves them wrong.
• While Ireland DOES have a President and a Parliament, the true power rests in the hands of Bono and his mysterious Leprechaun Council.
• Despite the impression given by the Notre Dame mascot, not all Irish are obnoxious, chrome-domed troublemakers. Just Sinead O’Connor.
• Ireland is a country blessed with vast, verdant grasslands. Plants grow well there because of the soil’s incredibly high content of organic minerals – a result of the Irish peeing all over the place as they stagger from pub to pub.
• Much like the fabled elephant graveyard, the Irish have a secret bog where they go off to die when they become too feeble to lift a glass.
• In Ireland, starting a fight by punching someone in the face is considered a friendly greeting. Starting a fight by throwing your drink in someone’s face, however, is grossly insulting, wastes precious alcohol, and carries the death penalty.
• Only one Irishman has ever won the Tour de France (Stephen Roche, 1987). Although this SOUNDS pathetic, I’m actually quite impressed that they found someone sober enough to sit on a bicycle without toppling over.
• Irish pop band The Boomtown Rats recently scored their first hit single since 1979 with their War on Terror ballad, “I Don’t Like Mohammeds”.
• Like the US, Ireland’s constitution guarantees its citizens the right to free speech. It doesn’t do them any good, though, since the only difference between Irish speech and incoherent drunk-dialing is the phone.
• The Titanic was built by the Belfast shipbuilding company, Harland & Wolff. Although the company was eventually cleared of negligence charges for its part in the ill-fated ship’s construction, they WERE convicted of giving Leonardo DiCaprio career options beyond “pretty man-whore”.
• The first Irishman in America, Paddy O’Tatertot, was also the man who built Notre Dame college and started its legendary football program. This caused the mass immigration of the Irish to America in the late 1800s, as they all wanted to see this union of the two best aspects of their country – devout religion and open-field brawling.
• Ireland’s 1996 Olympic Gold Medal swimmer, Michelle Smith, was banned from the sport in 1999 for substance abuse after her urine sample was found to contain enough alcohol to qualify for a proof rating.
• Sad thing is, that last one was completely true. Personally, I don’t think it’s fair to test the Irish for alcohol. It’s like testing SpongeBob for seawater.
  HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!