Archive of entries posted on 19th March 2007

24 Day 6 — 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. (an actual DVR-delayed liveblog – finally!)

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Previously on 24, Martha Logan stabbed Charles Logan for his past crimes, and when they cuffed her, she said, “What’s that for? They should give me a medal.” Amen, sista. Also, she and Aaron are together, which is awesome, but he’s been relegated to being kind of her errand boy, which makes me like him less, and even though Martha is not with Charles anymore and is with a much better dude, and Charles is the one who made her crazy, she’s in a mental institution. Which kinda makes me crinkle my forehead in annoyance. Welcome to Day 6.
That’s pretty much all the good stuff that happened last week. Or this season after Jack shot Curtis in the neck.
I guess I’ll snark tonight, but not in detail. Are y’all excited? Me almost too.
I don’t know who I have to tell that the V-Cast commercials are disgusting and unclean, but again! Nobody is putting his earbuds in my ears. It’s my policy.
Ooooh! Jack’s gonna find out something about Audrey tonight! I hope it’s that she’s a terrorist. Or dead. Or underwent electroshock therapy to become not whiny. How ’bout it, science?
More last week on 24: Vice President Noah Daniels has a square face and is a bit power hungry. OH! And last week, when I was snarking this and never finished it, because the show is so boring now, I wrote the following. It’s too good not to share with you:

The guy at the Russian embassy who was helping Jack and wearing a red shirt gets killed by the guy who always played an extra named Vasiliy on ALIAS.
I AM SO AWESOME! I JUST HAD A LAUGHING FIT THAT MADE MY MIGRAINE TEN TIMES WORSE! JUST AS I WAS TYPING THAT BIT ABOUT THE GUY WHO ALWAYS PLAYED AN EXTRA NAMED VASILIY ON ALIAS, JACK SHOOTS THAT GUY, AND THE RUSSIAN CONSUL, WATCHING ON SURVEILLANCE, SAYS, “THE AMERICAN HAS JUST KILLED VASILIY. He’s in the basement.” HAHAHAHAHAHA!

LOL, last week, I named the Vice President “Vice President OTT”, and I have no idea what OTT stands for. Anyone know? I apparently did not tell my husband. I was too busy with my laughing fit about Vasiliy to go back and fill in the acronym even once. Anyway, I’m going to call him VPOTT, and maybe one of you will come up with what OTT (yeah, you know me) stands for.
Finally Jack has told Buchanan that Gredenko and bin Diesel are in the Shadow Valley. Doyle lets Jack know quickly that he, not Jack, is in charge. Well, that’s good, because when Jack is in charge, Jack shoots Curtis in the neck, and SarahK holds grudges FOREVER and stops snarkage. Jack has internal bleeding. Buchanan tells VPOTT that Gredenko has the drones with the nukes in the SV, yo, and OTT smirks and chuckles, because that (the smirking) solves national security problems.
In the SV, yo, Gredenko is all talking like Jack with the d word and tells bin Diesel that the Americans know where they are. Bin Diesel says hey, now it’s Markov’s fault that the Americans found us out, and blah blah blah, we’re tired of you making us feel like we have little penises. Tonight you Russians are the ones with the tiny wee-wees! Ha ha! It’s your faults! Not ours for once! We get to have bigger wangs for once. Gredenko says they need to get out of the SV, yo, now and launch one of the drones right now. His small-peep’d underling says the Americans will shoot it down before it reaches its target — well, thanks for ruining the ending of the episode for us! — but launches the drone anyway. They start to move out as the drone launches. Yawn.
Nadia (Yassir) is visibly upset and has caught the 24 whisper disease. Milo asks if she’s ok. No, not really. Chloe comes over. She finally had a good line last episode (“I’m feeling ambivalent”), so I have hope for her. She tells Milo and Nadia (Yassir) that she noticed Nadia (Yassir) is doing work under Milo’s account. See, I’m feeling ambivalent, too, because I like Chloe because she shot up terrorists in season 4. Yet I like Milo because he blew stuff up in season 6. I have no feelings on Nadia (Yassir), because she has proven herself neither to be a mole nor a mole outer, and all she is is a boring subplot thus far. So it’s a conflict between two characters, one of whom I have liked for two seasons longer, but who honestly has started to annoy me this season because she won’t just let her ex-husband alone, and because coital bliss is making her a boring character. Anyway, Chloe says she’s not doing anything about the noticing, she just wants them to know, because if she noticed, someone else will notice. Chloe’s way too nice since Deadger died.
Morris has found the drone, so we have found the plot for this episode. All we have to find out now is whether this nuke is headed for L.A. or… L.A… HAHAHAHA. This show is too predictable. One day the terrorists will learn that Chloe O’Brien lives in L.A. and will decide that maybe she doesn’t want to die today. She’s like Superman without the Kryptonite weakness. Perhaps they should try Chicago. San Francisco? Uh, I don’t know… Miami. Though I’d equally miss any American city, blah blah, disclaimer, not advocating, usual stuff.
Anyway, a shocker occurs! Morris has lost the drone off his little drone map. So we have our problem for the hour. The General on the path to intercept will stay in a holding pattern.
Meanwhile, Gredenko’s little-peep’d guy tells G that he has disabled CTU’s ability to track the drone. Wily bees! Get it? Drone? Bees? Yeah, me either.
In Washington, where it is after Bisquick’s bedtime, Bisquick is in the Bunker telling VPOTT (what does that MEAN?) that CTU lost the drone. VPOTT gets all yelly and interrupts Bisquick to assemble the Joint Chiefs. He tells the peeps assembled in the bunker that he will ask the Joint Chiefs to draw up targets in some unnamed Middle Eastern country (that country Assad was from — you know, Assad is the dead terrorist that Jack murdered Curtis to save — in vain, mind you) for his own nuclear strike. I’ll bet President Waynewreck would be NOT on board with this. Especially since he’s a giant wuss who would have to see his entire country destroyed before he’d even think about retaliation.
I’m torn over this. Not over 24. I’m quite sure it’s boring this season. I’m torn over whether I like this whole retaliation thing. On one hand, I’m the viewer, so I know everything going on… plus, I know China’s got to have some part in this, the stinkin’ Commies… not to mention that VPOTT is so smarmy that I feel like I should go wipe the TV screen at every commercial break to clean the slime off the screen. Icky.

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Do You Think My Cleavage Has Enough Glitter?

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What are phrases constantly heard in the Dancing with Stars changing room?
Seriously, though, SarahK made me watch this tonight before 24, and I had thought the inclusion of Heather Mills was a bad joke. But, upon seeing the show, her segment was tastefully done and — I’ll say it — a bit inspiring. I honestly could not tell she had a prosthetic leg during her dance number. I guess fake leg technology has evolved leaps and bounds since the introduction of the peg.

If Fred Thompson Were in It, the Movie Would Be Called “1” and Sparta Would Win

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I think I stole that from someone. Well, if you don’t want your bon mots stolen, don’t leave them out so they’re easily accessible.
Anyway, I’ve yet to see 300, but I want to. And, since it has the Iranian disapproval and the Fred Thompson approval, I guess it’s a must see (BTW, it’s good to see Fred Thompson corrected his dates from earlier today; how can we expect kids today to respect anyone who doesn’t know the correct date for battle of Thermopylae?).

We’re Also Banned in Atlantis for Defamation of Their King

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According to this site, IMAO is banned in China. Well, two can play at this game. From here on, China is banned at IMAO. If you want to be a Communist, do it somewhere else. Otherwise, the helpful staff here at IMAO will throw you in a prison camp where you’ll be forced to go through all my old posts correcting the grammar.
(hat tip to reader Chris D)

Attack of the Light Bulb Nazis – Updated 3-19-07 9pm

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Ok, so there’s this bunch of loonies that wants to take away my Constitutional right to incandescent light bulbs, and FORCE me to use compact flourescent bulbs, like I’m some sort of commie serf.
Well… I guess I’ll go along with it, since they’ll shoot me if I don’t and this isn’t worth dying for. It’s not like they’re taking away my porn.
Just one question, though:
How am I supposed to operate my Easy-Bake Oven?
UPDATE 3-19-07 9pm:
Reader Guillaume points out that it’s not just my Easy-Bake that’s in trouble.

Do You Know Where Your Kids Are? If Not, They’re Probably with Terrorists

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The FBI had said that members of known terrorist organizations have tried to get licenses to drive school buses but there is no reason to panic. Because, really, what’s to panic about? Extremists controlling a bus full of school children — how in the world could that be used for terror?

When red lights flash, stop at least fifty feet away from the bus in case it explodes.

I expect some people to panic, though. They’ll be yelling, “Why are our troops over in Iraq shooting insurgents when they should be here at home shooting bus drivers?” This is a good and rational question. People are often scared about the welfare of their children — especially if their children are being driven at high speeds by terrorists.
To help assuage everyone’s completely rational fears, I offer these tips to help kids deal with terrorism:
TIPS FOR KIDS FOR DEALING WITH TERRORISM
* Never trust strangers with candy; only trust strangers with bacon so you can be sure they are not Muslim extremists.
* If you suspect a teacher at school is a terrorist, contact the nearest authority. If you’re at a public school, then contact a fellow student since he’ll probably have a gun.
* To counter terrorist bus drivers, make sure to watch the movie Speed to see how someone with the IQ of a small child can handle a speeding bus with a bomb.
* If your PE teacher degrades and tortures you, that’s normal; it doesn’t mean he’s a terrorist.
* Just looking for Arabs is an ignorant and bigoted way to try and weed out terrorists. Terrorists can be Persians as well.
* While sometimes indicative of terrorism, a desire to kill lots of children just to prove a point is actually common among bus drivers.