According to Drudge, an aide to Senator Jim Webb was arrested for trying to bring a gun into the Russell Senate Office building. Apparently, Jim Webb — who has a permit — keeps a gun in his purse and inadvertently had his aide carry his purse for him. If that’s all this is, hopefully this will be cleared up soon. And, since Webb is reportedly pro-gun, hopefully this will push him to help D.C. from being such a bunch of caveman on the issues of guns (“Grr! Magic thunder-stick! Burn the warlock!”).

TOP TEN WAYS THE HEAD OF THE SMITHSONIAN INSTITUTION PADDED HIS EXPENSES:
10) After further review, the professional-grade high-definition video project for archiving Native American dances turned out to be a bunch of camcorder mini-DVDs of a junket to Indian Casino for marathon lap dance sessions.
9) Okay, so we can understand one refurbished Patton tank. It’s everybody’s boyhood dream, sure, but SIXTEEN?
8) Honestly, he didn’t realize they already had the JFK assassination limo. Guess that kinda makes his “I’m looking for the real limo” excuse somewhat pointless, right? Although nice touch on the champagne and cigars.
7) Kickbacks received from manufacturer of Al Gore simulation, but let’s face it – the darned thing looks so much more lifelike and wastes less energy to operate than the real Al Gore.
6) Let’s go over this one more time… just because you’re not allowed to give the Hope Diamond to your mistress, it doesn’t mean you can expense a smaller substitute to give her for her birthday, got it? And swallowing it’s not going to work, either, bub… we’re perfectly willing to wait this one out, but you get to wash it afterwards.
5) Ha ha… adding boiling oil and catapaults to The Castle on April 1st was a great April Fool’s joke. Nearly split my sides. But when the mailman gets out of the Burn Ward, you’re apologizing to him and picking up the hospital bill, you freaking psycho.
4) No, Neil Armstrong didn’t say “That’s one small step for man, one giant bag full of today’s admissions fees for the Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution.” Put it back. Now.
3) Just because Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton rob blacks of their hard-earned money, living large on the good life, it doesn’t mean you can do it. There’s a fine line between public servant and parasite, and you crossed it. But nice try on having that mansion of yours billed as “Add-On Wing To Anacostia Museum.”
2) Put. The. Pandas. Back. (But take the leather chaps and lipstick off of them first, dude.)
1) You expect us to believe that the raw materials disappearing from controversial “Pimp My Teeth, Daddy-GW” hands-on activity center at the George Washington exhibit was a case of “They just got up and walked away” right? Oh, and nice solid gold diamond-encrusted shoes there. Take ’em off, or I swear I’ll run you through with Merriweather Lewis’ hanger, sir!

Ladies and Gentlemen, there is too much division in this country.
Why?
My guess is that we are all too hypersenstive and we take things way too seriously. For example, some protestors recently raised some tempers when they set a soldier on fire – in effigy of course. I mean, if they tried to set a real Marine on fire, you’d see a bunch of dead lefties with bits of granola splattered everywhere.
But I ask you: Is it possible to Support The Troops yet still voice your disapproval at something? Like the protestors shown below?

Of course it is. You can disagree with something yet still express your true feelings.
We at IMAO would like to lend our support to the following causes

Continue reading ‘Giving My Support: In Effigy’ »

Since 1979, man has lived in fear of being taken hostage by Iranians. Now it has happened to fifteen British sailors. Tony Blair has declared the matter “very serious” which is a brilliant observation. If American sailors had been taken hostage, on the other hand, instead of observing the seriousness of the matter we would all be demanding huge piles of dead Iranians.
Still, it’s much simpler to just not get taken hostage. Thus I offer…
FRANK TIPS TO NOT GETTING TAKEN HOSTAGE

Who knows what he’ll do when he gets his tiny hands on you!

• First thing: Stop, drop, and roll. If done right, the hostage taker will think you’re on fire. In general, people on fire are rarely taken as hostages.
• Don’t hang out in an embassy in Iran. Actually, anywhere near Iran is trouble. Instead hang out at the embassy in Hawaii as that’s a friendly country and much safer.
• Try waving your arms and yelling. Hostage takers are scared of movement and loud noises.
• You can wear a suit made from bacon. While it will reduce Iranian hostage taking, it will increase dog attacks.
• If all else fails, try striking a hostage take on the nose to ward him away. This is how dolphins fight hostage takers in the wild.
• Facial hair — such as a beard of bees — can discourage hostage takers.
• Run away in a zig zag pattern; while hostage takers can run faster than you, then can only run in a straight line.
• Now, I’m not a member of the military, so perhaps I shouldn’t be critical in this area, but, if you happen to be in the military and our on your own vessel with other members of your military when people try to take you hostage, maybe you should use all those guns you have to stop the hostage taking. Its sorta why you have them. Again, if I’m out of line here, someone tell me.