Since 1979, man has lived in fear of being taken hostage by Iranians. Now it has happened to fifteen British sailors. Tony Blair has declared the matter “very serious” which is a brilliant observation. If American sailors had been taken hostage, on the other hand, instead of observing the seriousness of the matter we would all be demanding huge piles of dead Iranians.
Still, it’s much simpler to just not get taken hostage. Thus I offer…
FRANK TIPS TO NOT GETTING TAKEN HOSTAGE
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- First thing: Stop, drop, and roll. If done right, the hostage taker will think you’re on fire. In general, people on fire are rarely taken as hostages.
- Don’t hang out in an embassy in Iran. Actually, anywhere near Iran is trouble. Instead hang out at the embassy in Hawaii as that’s a friendly country and much safer.
- Try waving your arms and yelling. Hostage takers are scared of movement and loud noises.
- You can wear a suit made from bacon. While it will reduce Iranian hostage taking, it will increase dog attacks.
- If all else fails, try striking a hostage take on the nose to ward him away. This is how dolphins fight hostage takers in the wild.
- Facial hair — such as a beard of bees — can discourage hostage takers.
- Run away in a zig zag pattern; while hostage takers can run faster than you, then can only run in a straight line.
- Now, I’m not a member of the military, so perhaps I shouldn’t be critical in this area, but, if you happen to be in the military and our on your own vessel with other members of your military when people try to take you hostage, maybe you should use all those guns you have to stop the hostage taking. Its sorta why you have them. Again, if I’m out of line here, someone tell me.
I don’t think Britain’s gun control laws allow its military to be armed.
I think Harvey’s right. I don’t think their policemen are allowed guns either, just sticks.
Wait I’ve got it. If they won’t arm their soldiers with guns they should issue them “pork products”
pork chops
sausage
hams
slabs of bacon
pigs knuckles
and the ever popular — pigs blood
That ought to do it. All the Brits have to do is start throwing these pork products at Muslims coming on board and they will throw themselves in the water. Then the British sailors can throw the pork into the water and yell “unclean, unclean” . No matter how much our Muslim enemies wash they will always know they swam with the piggies. The Iranians might have to beach and destroy all their boats–what a shame.
For Seanmahair’s suggestion to work, we’ll have to teach British soldiers how to say “unclean” and “Stay back! I have a bacon and ham sandwich!” in various Middle Eastern dialects.
Frank, that last one was the elephant in the room.
Why did they not resist? Were they French or British?
Hostage takers are much less inclined to take hostages that are filling them with lead.
I’m thinkin’ the same as you Frank! If Iranian pussies are ready to attack and take you hostage and you are a military type loaded with weapons and ammunition–FIRE! The hell with PC and stupid “rules of engagement”–FIRE and watch these Iranian cowards run the other way. Why do you think these wretched homos never attack real men? They would rather blow up women and children and the Brits surrendered to that? C’mon!!!
I believe they were surrounded by 5 Iranian warships. That would definitely cool their fighting spirit down. That also tells me the Iranians didn’t just stumble across the Brits. This was definitely planned.
* Run away in a zig zag pattern; while hostage takers can run faster than you, then can only run in a straight line.
Serpentine Shelly! Serpentine!
If I read correctly, I do not believe they were on their own ship. They were taken while searching another vessel for smuggled goods (cars from the report I read, though I dont remember what wire service it was from).
How did they get caught off guard so badly? Have the Iranians developed stealth ships?
But think of the mess the exhaust from those ship to ship missiles makes. And the propellant from the deck guns. You want them to pollute the air just to rescue their shipmates?
Think of the carbon footprint!
Think of Mother Gaia!
Think of the children!
Oh, won’t somebody think of the children?!
(Or it could just be that by the time the Admiralty finished wetting themselves and made a decision the Iranians were already back in port).
The Canadians had 11 armed “peacekeepers” kidnapped once in Bosnia. More recently, the French sent 1,500 hostages to Hezbollah in Lebanon. Let’s not be too hard on the Brits, I believe they were in a couple of rubber rafts when they were taken: one shot from the enemy would’ve left them shooting small arms up from neck deep in who knows what sea state. Besides, Annex M of their ROE, “Keeping the locals from doing something unbelievably stupid”, is probably too highly classified for distribution to front-line servicemen like those who were captured. I think the last point IS out of line, but only because this is a humor blog, not that it isn’t a question people should be asking every military commander in the Mideast.
Ok…now they have them…if Bush and Blair have any stones left (and I think Laura will need to give Bush back his for this to work) then let’s go get them back and while we are at it let’s fly in a few dozen cruise missles to take out their nuclear development facilities. We could even let the Israelies play if we wanted to. We could say that the cruise missles were sent in to take out “critical infrastructure”! Bush would go up 15 points in the approval ratings! Sigh…he won’t do it however I fear!!!
Surrounded by 5 warships? I didn’t know Iran owned 5 skiffs! I heard the brits were captured in Zodiacs (inflatable boats)…I guess Iran wanted to increas their Naval fleet by 1/3.
Best way to keep from being taken hostage: begin shooting back. That, or fly the U.S. flag instead of the U.N flag.
you’re out of line
I decided yesterday that I will never again watch the Daily Show because they made fun of the British hostage situation — especially since there is still the chance that Iran is stupid enough that they’ll execute the Brits.
And I know, as a Canadian, exactly what the Iranians are capable of doing by ‘mistake’ — especially with female prisoners. Mind you, if they’re feeling the diplomatic pressure, they might hand out a slap on the wrist to whoever ‘accidentally’ rapes and kills the sailors.
Which is the reason that I agree with PX. Before knowing the fate of the hostages, you’re out of line. Unless you, like the MSM, don’t take sides in the WoT.
I’ve quoted you and linked to you here: http://consul-at-arms.blogspot.com/2007/03/re-whod-ever-want-to-leave-iran-anyway.html
–Unless you, like the MSM, don’t take sides in the WoT.–
Whoa, the MSM hasn’t taken a side in the war on terror? Now THAT’S news to me.
I believe U.S. soldiers would have engaged the Iranians, as back up for them would be close and overwhelming. The Brits are extremely tough and capable, so I believe resistance would have been futile in this case. Therefore they will be assimilated. You were a wee bit out of line Frank, but that’s okay.
I believe they would have fought back too, except they were working under UN mandate, which instantly transforms the best soldier into a useless piece of hostage material.