Is everybody watching now?
Really? You chose tonight to start watching? Tonight? Because see, it’s Diana Ross night, which means there will be a lot of bad disco and Motown song choosing, and you just might want to die by the end of the night. And not in a good way. Lock up your guns. Mine are in the safe. Ok, not really, but Frank is next to me, and I have faith in him and in my lazy butt. Really. They never pick good songs. They pick the overdone ones that I can’t even bear to hear the names of anymore.
The band now has strings and winds, and there’s a bigger stage, per usual top 12.
Simon is in a white t-shirt tonight instead of his normal charcoal sweater. No, Simon, those go under the clothes. The judges say their normal blah blah blah about this stage of the game.
Oh no. Diana Ross says she’s not a critic. She wants to be the trusting voice and the supportive voice. I liked it when we had David Foster. Wasn’t he the one? The one who came in and said that the kids would have been kicked out of his studio? I liked that one.
01 Brandon Rogers is out. He is singing “Can’t Hurry Love”. I kick you out for selecting the most covered song ever ever. Diana Ross told Brandon to go to his center, his hard place. Wow, his voice just cracked in major fashion. I don’t think that was the Tivo. I don’t think the hip swinging is going to save you. OH NO! First one out of the gate, and he forgot the words. No no no. Forgot the words to the most overdone song ever. RANDY: Boring, reverted back to a background singer, but your last two notes were like a front singer. PAULA: It’s not easy. I know it’s nerves. We don’t need to tell you what you did wrong. SARAHK: You’re the judges. You’re waiting for me to tell him? You’re waiting for him to look up IMAO when he wakes up in the morning? PAULA: There’s a lot you do right. SIMON: Complete letdown, predictable, terrible dancing, forgot the words, no originality, no star quality, came across as a background singer for a background singer. Not good enough, sorry. SARAHK: Yes. That. And I kick you out for song choice alone. Bad Brandon. Bad. Your only hope is if Sanjaya’s inexplicable fanbase has been eaten by the boogie monsters under their beds in the past week. And there’s always the Queen of the Armpits. You were all bad tonight.
02 Melinda Doolittle. Oh, we’re to answering inane viewer email, are we? Cute, maybe I’ll send one. What’s your favorite color, Ryan? Pink? I knew it! Melinda says the high heels and dresses are the hardest part of the show, and that’s something we’ve heard before from a prior contestant, because it sounds familiar. Anyway, Melinda loves sweats and tennies. Me too. RYAN: Simon, what can you tell her about the high heels? SIMON: You should know, Ryan. RYAN: Stay out of my closet. SARAHK: Thou sayest. SIMON: Come out! SARAHK: Boo-yah. FRANK J.: That was too easy. RYAN: This is about the competition, not your wishes, Simon.
Melinda is all very face-covered-uncomfy during the exchange, but it’s a cute back-and-forth, and I especially love how Simon says what I think sometimes. It’s fun, our scripted ESP.
Anyway, Melinda is singing “Home” from The Wiz. Proudly, I can say I’ve never seen that movie all the way through, and I’ve never heard the song, at least not to my recollection. This is to the advantage of any contestant. If you’re saddled with Stevie Wonder night or Motown night or whatever awful theme night they plague my ears with, the least you can do to give yourself a chance is pick an obscure or vague song and sing it well. Trick it up, but don’t go crazy. Change a few bars or something. Don’t do what Blake did later in the show tonight. That was a mess (sneak preview!).
Anyway, she is modestly dressed, I like that. She does always kind of come across in her dress as a cross between a 1950s housewife and a businesswoman. Does that make sense? It’s way better for me than most of the rest of the attire going on here, mind you, because it’s modest. Don’t get me started, I can go on for hours. Maybe it’s the color she is wearing tonight, the very bland black/white/greyish denim thing. But she always looks nice, attractive, and like she respects herself, and I appreciate that and thank her for that.
Oh yes! The singing. Fantastic. I voted for her like ten times. And look, she is crying when she gets the big standing ovation from the crowd. But barely. Just tearing up a little. RANDY: Hot hot hot! Girls 1 Boys 0! SARAHK: Oh YES! PAULA IS OFF HER NUT TONIGHT! SHE’S BAWLING ALREADY, AND IT’S ONLY THE TOP TWELVE! Paula is all-out crying, I am rejoicing. PAULA: Margle wurvy woozy head. Wuv you goo goo! (Simon is laughing.) SIMON: Melinda, why are you crying? (This is in a patronizing tone. I loooove it.) MELINDA: Something incoherent because remember she can’t speak directly after singing so powerfully. She’s incapable. Especially of saying “thank you”. SIMON: You made a very boring song fantastic. You remind me of a young Gladys Knight. FRANK J.: Who? SARAHK: Tell me you’re joking. FRANK J.: Gladys who? SARAHK: I’m going to hurt you if you don’t tell me you’re joking. FRANK J.: Yes, I’m joking. SARAHK: Melinda, it was fantastic. When are you going to thank the judges for the praise? Please? Just for me?
03 Chris Sligh. Haha, he says to Diana Ross that they have the same hair. What? “Endless Love”? Yes, well, I guess there weren’t four decades of music for you to pick from, then, were there? But it is Diana Ross night, so what are you to do? I don’t like him without the glasses as well, because it seems like he’s trying to lose his look a little? The hair went shorter last week, the glasses are off this week. What next week, he starts dressing like Seacrest? Chris, you are who you are, and we like you. BTW, we’d like the humor back. There was a hint with the hair joke with Diana (listen to me call her Diana, we’re old friends), keep it coming. “Endless Love”, I’m so worried about it, though. Shouldn’t I be? I guess we’ll see.
This is… interesting. I’m not saying that in a bad way. I had my face all crinkled the whole song, but just because I was trying to make up my mind. He’s got a piano rhythm playing in the background that’s very familiar, like a Coldplay song. “Yellow”, maybe? I don’t know which. Anyway, but he’s doing the song in that beat, with drums, and I am not once thinking of Lionel Ritchie during this, which is a wondrous thing on any American Idol night. Say it with me, class: “We should never invoke Stevie Wonder, Lionel Ritchie…” I could go on. The vocals are fine, nothing spectacular, but good. I like him and want him to stick around, so I voted for him ten or so times, even though it probably only deserved one vote if that. It was weird, but much better than at least four others tonight, so I have no shame in voting for him so he can stick around. RANDY: You had that Coldplay “Speed of Sound” vibe going, and you don’t have to trick stuff up. Sometimes just sing because you have a good voice. Don’t worry so much about style and sing your heart out. That was a mess for me, dawg. PAULA: Sometimes I worry that you’re trying to be ultra-hip and ultra-cool. Worry less about trying to be contemporary. SARAHK: Paula, sometimes I worry that you try to be ultra-hip and ultra-cool, like when you try to use the words that the kids use. ‘Cept they’d probably say Chris is ultra-rad and gnarly, dude. SIMON: You murdered the arrangement. You took a beautiful song and did very bad things to it. SARAHK: You made Chris Sligh sing a Diana Ross song. And one week, you’re making him sing J-Lo. Step back, or I’ll cut you. SIMON: It was unemotional, uninspiring, and I would keep your glasses on. RYAN: Did you think you would ever be on a stage singing Diana Ross? CHRIS: Yes, Ryan, because the American Idol producers have proven year after year that they despise SarahK and want to make her life miserable. I think the judges didn’t like my arrangement more than they didn’t like my vocals, so hopefully next week I don’t screw up the arrangement in their eyes so badly. SARAHK: Yeah, that’s probably a good assessment. FRANK J.: They tell them to take risks, and then they tell them it’s not ok to do anything to the songs. SARAHK: And they have Diana Ross night on American Idol.
Archive of entries posted on 13th March 2007
Hillary has a message for you . . .
So many trains, so few tracks . . .
Top 10 Things Gen. Pace Would Do To Improve the Military
Marine Gen. Peter Pace recently said that he disapproved of allowing gays in the military because he thought homosexuality was immoral. If he had his way, what other changes would he make to the US Armed Forces?
10) Ban those gawdawful Black Bean & Rice Burrito MREs.
9) Change the female uniform to that miniskirt & leather boots combo they had on Star Trek.
8) Less talkin’, more killin’.
7) Recalibrate terribly inaccurate journalist targeting system.
6) Fix that annoying squeaky wheel on his desk chair.
5) Get rid of the big, flaming homos.
4) No small, sparking metros, either.
3) Iran = nuclear free-fire zone.
2) Improve diversity by raising recruitment quota for Spartans.
And the number 1 thing Gen. Pace would do to improve the military:
(see extended entry)
Continue reading ‘Top 10 Things Gen. Pace Would Do To Improve the Military’ »
Dear Mexico. A letter from America
Dear Mexico,
How’s it going? I hope you are fine. We are very sorry that you are upset over our recent border incursion. It turns out that there was like this really big fire and we needed to put it out and stuff.
Sure, we crossed your border illegally, but we pretty much did what your people do every day. Remember, we did it because our people needed the work and had families back home they had to feed.
Ha ha. I made a little running across the border joke. Get it?
Anyway, I’m sure you will notice a few differences:
1. None of the forest service workers stayed to have babies with the hope of seeking Mexican Citizenship.
2. We are not asking any of your Mexican employees to learn English. If that offends you, please call our complaint line. Press 2 for Spanish.
3. Did you notice we left right away? Did you notice the part about not demanding free education or health care?
Again, we’re sorry if our recent incursion across the border bothered you. Next time there is a fire, we’ll be sure to send the firefighters in the most appropriate vehicle possible: In the back of a refrigerated trailer.
Thanks
America.
P.S. Please note that we used our water because yours would give our shrubber the runs or something.
Having a very bad day at work…
So, is ISO1: “Ungh. Wheel round. Wheel roll.”
Or is it “Rub sticks. Make fire! Fire burn! Fire!”
Why do I ask?
No reason in particular.
We Need to Pay Attention to Our Celebrities
An Editorial by Frank J.
There is a growing menace in our country, one greater than anything else we face. This group of people is a continuing threat to our way of life. They are inhuman beasts and incapable of restraint. I am speaking of course of celebrities. They have great power and great irresponsibility, using their influence to further the cause of stupidity and licentiousness while going on crazed, drug-addled rampages. They think that, because of their power, they are above the standards of normal people. They are a continuing and growing danger, and that’s why we have to give celebrities the attention they warrant.
“When celebrities step outside the law or befall tragedy, it is most important that all Americans hear about it. Repeatedly.”
The first step is a Celebrity Registration Act. It will put into law that all celebrities must register with either the government or People magazine. The public must then be notified whenever a registered celebrity is coming to their town or mall’s opening. Registration is only the first step, though. Next, they must be monitored. The most dangerous celebrities should be followed with cameras at all times, their every move recorded and broadcast to a concerned public. More minor celebrity threats only need be monitored periodically in a “Where Are They Now” segment on a cable channel.
To make tracking easier, celebrities should be simple code designation made from from character strings such as “J-Lo” or “K-Fed.” Tracking results should be published weekly in journals made available to the public at the library or in the check-out line at supermarkets. For especially concerned citizens, they should be able to have those journals delivered to their home at substantial savings off the cover price.
When celebrities step outside the law or befall tragedy, it is most important that all Americans hear about it. Repeatedly. Such news should have precedence over anything else that is happening either domestically or foreign. Nothing should concern us more. All aspects of any surrounding trial should be scrutinized publicly, and any tidbit about it — no matter how minor it seems — should be shared with the American people. To help reform celebrities, certain out of the way places should be designated to allow them to detox. Only under these special conditions can monitoring of a celebrity cease.
Because of the menace and vile influence of celebrities, their coupling is of great concern to us. If any are to marry, we must know immediately and be allowed to see photos. No celebrity marriage should ever be allowed to happen in secret. Of even greater importance is whether celebrities have children, creating and even more vapid generation of celebrities to come. Thus, if video is ever found of one of them engaged in the act of reproduction, it should be made available on the internet at once. When one produces spawn, pictures of the baby must be made public as soon as possible… even if the said pictures cost millions. Also, whatever weird alien name celebrities give their children should be put in the news over and over until we know the names better than that of our own kids.
The threat of celebrities can only be diminished if we pay them constant attention. That’s why everything I propose should be put into effect yesterday. Also, celebrities should have to respond to my e-mails.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam” and “The Big Book of Famous Celebrities You’ve Never Heard Of”.
Run, Chuck, Run!
Nuking The Virtual Moon Project
I’ve made some progress in my project to nuke the virtual moon in Second Life.
I acquired a parcel of land on SoHo Island for my weapons development program.
Since it’s kind of hard to build a fully-functional nuclear-capable space missile without people noticing, I needed a way of concealing a 90-meter multistage delivery vehicle.
The obvious choice:
A 100-meter tall clock tower made entirely of matzoh and jelly sealant.
The four clockfaces represent the four major time zones of the United States. I thought about having one for the moon’s time zone, but what’s the point – it’s going to get nuked, right?
I figure that when I get a decent fuel source for the missile, I’ll target the virtual moon and let this sucker rip.
Spacemonkey’s working on the formula, but all we come up with is “some of them wicked moonshine” each time that leaves us dizzy, blind, and married to our cousins when we sober up.
Until then…
Might as well throw some traffic to my evil master, FrankJ, right?
I’ll post some interior shots of the clock tower with the missile concealed inside in a few days.
Gotta get the hot tub filled with matzoh ball soup delivered and installed first.