The elimination show starts with the dreaded group sing. “Stuck in the Middle with You”. The lyrics of this song are so perfect for elimination night. Go google. Sundance. Please please. Please stop with trying to pull off the Mohawky hairstyle. And quit wearing so much makeup.
They lumped Sabrina’s performance in the “contemporary R&B” category. En Vogue from 1996, y’all. If I roll my eyes any harder, they’re gonna pop right out of my skull. And I just woke up, so they’re bleary. Don’t make me roll them when they’re bleary!
Keppra, wow, that makes me sleepy.
LaKisha and Blake are the first two to go onto the urinal seats into the top 12. And we find out that next week will be great for snark, bad for sing. It’s Diana Ross week.
Chris Sligh doesn’t want to look stupid, so he says he hopes he’s in the top 12. He is staying.
Jordin Sparks sticks around. Eh.
Phil Stacey is in the top 12. Blast it.
And Jared is the first casualty of the night. The judges applaud Jared. I applaud America for not keeping his giant shoes around. Simon tells him that he’s good-looking, but he needs to work on his vocals, because that’s why he’s not in the top 12. Ryan asks if he’s surprised, and he says very. Really? You sang Stevie. On cut to top 12 night. Silly boy. Listen to SarahK. Oh look who’s losing it. Antonella is going to have a breakdown over his departure. Look, she spied a camera.
BRB, kids. Have to go add some stuff to the chicken and put the macaroni on to boil so I can poison my body later.
Now it’s time for American Idol for the Challenged. I mean the American Idol Challenge. Hmm. Of Ace Young, Kevin Covais, and Chris Daughtry, which of those currently has a #1 album? I think it’s Kevin Covais.
Melinda and Brandon, the backup singers, are both in the top 12.
Chris Richardson and Gina Glocksen are in the top 12! Basically that’s everyone I care about. Melinda, Gina, the two Chrises, Blake. I’m good.
Now Carrie Underwood is out to sing “Wasted”, track #1 on her album. I heart her. She so deserved to win the big prize that year. I’m not crazy about her big balloon blouse, but she’s Carrie, so I’m not going to go on about it.
So for the girls there are two spots left for Antonella, Stephanie, Haley, and Sabrina.
Antonella and Stephanie step to center stage, and this was the prediction that had me skittish. I predicted Antonella but was unsure… Finally. Antonella is gone. RYAN: What memories will you take away from American Idol? ANTONELLA: So many. Too many. Too much to think about right now. SARAHK: Please write a 100 word essay on the merits of not being photographed almost naked. Ryan, come on.
I’m two for two tonight. Which makes me… 4 + 2 + 2 … carry the one… eight out of ten on the season. Let’s see if we can go ten for twelve. If there’s justice, Sabrina will get the nod over the empty Armpit Haley.
Man, if I have to pick my poison, we are going to be living off thirty-three cent Walmart brand mac-n-cheese in a box for the next three months. Gluten is yummy and poison to my body. And I’m under doctor’s orders to eat it for three whole months. Glory.
I can’t tell if Sabrina’s gonna barf or cry. You are freaking kidding me. Even Paula is not hiding her shock that Queen of the Armpits made it into the top 12 over Sabrina. That was 100% awful song choice, kids. Let that be a lesson to you. Randy says that Sabrina should be in the top 12, and America got that wrong. Haley is thanking all of her angels right now. If I didn’t like all my stuff and my animals, I would throw something.
AWESOME! Rachel just called to tell me there’s a rocket launch scheduled for 10:10! We have to hurry up and finish so we can go out on the golf course and watch.
Tonight is the 200th episode of Idol. Cool. This is the big reveal. Big charity project. Raising lots of money for poor children in America and Africa. Borat will be here. Quincy Jones. Randy to wrestle Borat nude. Bono. Gwen Stefani. Etc. Huge charity event. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Rosie.
Ok, back from the rocket launch.
Sundance v. Sanjaya for the last spot. I told Frank: I bet it’s Sanjaya. Sure enough. Simon looks astounded. Even Paula. RYAN: Simon, what happened? SIMON: The volume was turned down?
That is so RUDE!
Ugh. Well. What did I predict? I said Sanjaya would stay. I said Phil and Jared would go. 1 for 2 there. I said Haley and Antonella would go. Sabrina went, and Haley inexplicably got a seat on a urinal. Whatever. So I’m 4 + 2 + 2 … carry the one … 8 for 12. 66.67% going into the top 12.
Anyone know anyone who’s voting for Sanjaya and Haley? Punch those peeps for me, would ya? Thanks. Love ya.
Archive of entries posted on 8th March 2007
It’s High Beams Ward Off El Chupacabra
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I just saw a TV ad for a new Volvo that has a heartbeat sensor so you can tell if a psychotic murderer is hiding in your backseat before you get in your car (that’s actually what the ad illustrated; it had a woman realize there was someone hiding in her car so she ran off in fear). I guess Volvo, having no where else to go with their safety record, has decided to protect consumers from urban legends. I checked their site, and the feature costs an extra $500. For that kind of money, I want something that will wake me up before Freddy Kruger can get me.
IMAO Exclusive: McCain Not Running For President, Fred Thompson Is!
It’s completely TRUE. Well, I wish it were true.
WHY OH WHY CAN”T IT BE TRUE!!!!???!?!?!? Run for President, Fred!
We need a Reagan conservative this time. Nothing else will do.
Oh well, when it finally IS true, and I hope and pray it will be, remember you heard it here first.
Update:There is an effort underway to draft Fred Thompson.
Captain America Is Dead!
But I’m still here, so who cares?
We both arrived on the scene in 1941, and everyone already knew then he would eventually be gunned down like a dog while I would go on to rule the oceans (they cover two thirds of the earth). Wasn’t he the dumbest superhero ever? What did he have? Shield powers? You can’t talk to fish with a shiny metal shield.
“Watch out, villains! I’m going to duck behind my shield!” Well, judging by his death, I guess that strategy didn’t work very well.
The comics only showed the times he successfully punched a Nazi; most of the time he was getting beat up by them and calling me for help. And I’d go help the wuss… even though he was usually nowhere near water and I’d have to take a bus to get there. Then he’d take all the credit!
Yeah, the Aquaman/Captain America crossovers never got published either. But, really, if you had me in a comic with him, who would even notice Captain A-Hole?
So good riddance to bad rubbish. All he did was get in the way when villainy needed to be dealt with. Plus, he was a traitor to his name. While he shied away from the principles of WWII generation in order to spout left-wing talking points, I’ve remained just like all those who reached adulthood in the 40’s: Suspicious of anything new or interesting.
So, rot in hell you left-wing, pinko f[Rest of post removed by IMAO censors.]