[High Praise! to VW (via email)]

1. “Hey, at least that successful Mormon businessman didn’t win.”

2. “Didn’t your lady parts warn you this would happen?”

3. “Look at the bright side, gay marriage passed in four states.”

4. “Hey, Big Bird still has a job. Isn’t that the important thing?”

5. “I am sure Obama cares deeply about your situation. Maybe he’ll send you a postcard from Hawaii.”

6. “Well, look at the bright side, Rush Limbaugh is getting a massive tax increase.”

7. “Hey! Now you’ll have more time to play with your unicorn.”

8. “Isn’t it worth losing your job to know that religious organizations now have to pay for abortions and contraceptives?”

9. “Well, now you and Keith Olbermann have something else in common.”

10. “Forward!”

A Time Magazine article is claiming that Romney won’t do well in debates with President Carter Obama. While the author’s premise is stupid and dumb, and stupid, it very well could be the case that Romney will do poorly in the debates. That is, if they are hosted by the mainstream media’s more “esteemed” personnel…as they generally are.

Not that such honest and objective journalists would ever conspire to ask certain questions in order to trip up Romney or force a gaffe or two, but if they did so, it could be pretty rough for Mitt.

Consider the following questions:
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* “Governor Romney, in your opinion would the economy do better if President Obama were to stay in office and continue his excellent policies, or would the economy do worse in a Romney administration?”

* “Would you consider your foreign policy experience less than the President’s, or is he simply more experienced than you are?”

* “Governor Romney, which do you like better: Nazis or the KKK?”

* “Could you explain, in detail, how exactly you became such a racist?”

* “Governor, in your opinion, what advantages can your powers to give people murder-cancer bring to the presidency?”

* “Which do you prefer: White people or White peoples?”

* “Governor, when exactly did you begin your war on women, and as a follow up question, how does your wife feel about your hating women?”

* “What is your preferred method for beating orphans?”

* “Governor Romney, do you hate the President because he is black, or because he is only half-white?”

* “Governor, when you laugh at poor people, is it more of a cackle, or a loud guffaw?”
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Whew! Those would really be some tough questions for Mitt. It’s a good thing the media would never try to set him up like that.

There have been plenty of anecdotal stories on attending this year’s Republican National Convention, and from most accounts it sounds like it was relatively fun…for a political convention. I still don’t think I’d want to go, but then if I had a reason to go I would probably enjoy it more. You know, like if I was a senator, I could walk around making people bow and kiss my ring. At least, I think that is what senators do.

Well, I was thinking: what would a day at the Democratic National Convention be like? Probably boring, but then hanging around some railroad tracks in the middle of nowhere is boring too…until there is a train wreck. And with that many Democrats and their nutty supporters in one place, there’s bound to be a few wrecks. So it could be interesting after all…

Day 1 at the DNC
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* You’re assaulted by the garbage police for throwing your plastic cup into a “recycle” bin instead of the “composte” bin. It’s clearly marked biodegradeable!

* You try to eat some of that great BBQ, but then are publically shamed and ridiculed by mobs of animal rights activists and militant vegans.

* You give up on the BBQ and go try to get a waffle cone…until Michelle Obama’s personal food police stop you.

* You notice Harry Reid keeps following people into the restroom.

* You keep tripping over hippies laying all over the place. You then notice those are actually the delegates.

* You keep getting the wrong change when you buy things because none of these people can do basic math.

* After listening to a dozen boring speeches, you are then forced to watch a video about how great of a president Jimmy Carter was.

* When the video is over, you suddenly feel sick and head to the restroom. You notice Harry Reid following you.

* You decide to head back to your hotel room to lay down for a bit, but then are attacked by swarms of angry bed bugs.

* Tired, hungry, and feeling a bit sick, you arrive back just in time to hear Michelle Obama speak…and then realize you forgot to bring your Klingon to English translator.
________________

Yep. Sounds like a great time to me.

There is a report floating around on the interwebs that scientists, using Science! have succeeded in hacking a person’s brain and retrieving information from it. As scary as that sounds, the procedure is still in its infancy, and requires a lot of brain activity to pick up on.

Regardless of this little problem, which I am sure Science! will fix eventually, I can foresee such a brain-hacking of an important person. Say…Joe Biden for instance. That would be interesting. So, of course, I had to think to myself what might be retrieved from Mr. Biden’s brain in such an experiment…

Biden Brain Hacks
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10. *silence* (Scientists: “crank it up to 50!“)

9. “Hmm, where have my pants gone this time?”

Hey girl. You thinking what I’m thinking?

8. “What does Barack see in that teleprompter of his? He’s not as intimate with me.”

7. “I wish I had as big of a stick as Barack does.”

6. “I wish I had a rainbow pinwheel. Those are really cool.”

5. “My favorite three letter word is wood…w-o-o-d. It has such a woody quality to it.”

4. “I had a successful dump today. Was about 150 lbs.”

3. “This brain sucking project must be a big @#$% deal.”

2. “If I had a nickel for every time Barack puts papers in my personal safe, I’d have, um, a lot of nickels.”

1. “After this is over, I am going to look up the website number for this place.”
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[High Praise! to iOwnTheWorld]

Fun little Twitter hashtag that’s getting some play: #ThingsToureThinksAreRacist
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@billhobbs: People who vote against Obama because they disagree with him, but NOT people who vote for him because he’s black

@iowahawkblog: Nielsen ratings.

@benshapiro: The cotton in a bottle of aspirin.

@billhobbs: Saltines.

@Josh_Painter: The Black Hills of South Dakota, The Red Rocks of Colorado & The White Cliffs of Dover

@amyvrwc: queso blanco

@michellemalkin: A, E, I, O, and “YOU PEOPLE!”

@JasonMattera: Hockey is incredibly racist. A bunch of white dudes slapping around a black puck.

@KerryPicket: The White House

@tylerhunter23: White water rafting

@SooperMexican: White people who quote him using the N-word.

@tylerhunter23: white out

@benshapiro: Whiteboards. They’ve taken the place of blackboards in too many classrooms.

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I’ll let @derekahunter have the last word:

@derekahunter: I’d say @Toure deserves to be ignored & allowed to fade into obscurity but he’s on MSNBC, so he has.

Obama’s got a problem.

Mitt Romney went and picked himself a running mate who’s young, buff, and has dreamy blue eyes, as well as his own “Hey Girl” internet meme.

Yeah, he’s got a total lock on the female demographic now (except for crazy-cat-ladies-in-training like Andrea Mitchell). Basically Romney’s VP is the guy chicks think about while reading “50 Shades of Grey”.

Obama’s got… Joe Biden.

Goofy, gaffe-machine Joe Biden, with all the sex appeal of Uncle Fester. Although maybe not even that much, because at least SOME women like bald guys.

But there’s still time for Obama to strike back. Biden can be replaced, and Obama might be desperate enough to try it.

Here’s my best guesses as to Barack’s short-list to get the female vote back:
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The only thing women find more appealing than Paul Ryan.

1) Ellen DeGeneres – Hey, at least she knows how to look good in a suit & tie.

2) Hillary Clinton – She’s like the ugly, cankly best friend women keep around to make themselves look better by comparison when they go to bars.

3) Al Franken – Chicks love a guy with a sense of humor, and he really knows how to stuff the ol’ ballot box.

4) Harry Reid – He’ll never tell you your ass looks fat in those jeans, because an anonymous caller will tell him you don’t.

5) Anthony Weiner – He knows what a girl wants to see on Twitter

6) Alan Grayson – The crazy, dangerous guy you date to get back at your dad for not hugging you enough as a child.

7) John Kerry – Yeah, he looks like Frankenstein, but he’s got two wives’ worth of money and he won’t live forever.

8) Michael Bloomberg – A good nanny is hard to find, and Bloomberg’s about one chimney-sweep away from flying with an umbrella.

9) John Edwards – He’s got more philandering, bad-boy charm than a Kennedy, plus he knows all the best moisturizers. Silky!

10) Any pale, sparkling guy with enough lipstick. David Bowie, maybe?
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Whoever Obama picks, that still leaves the problem of how to get rid of Biden. I suggest taking him out into the woods, fake-throwing a tennis ball, and driving off.

After freedom-lovers across America turned out in record numbers to show support for Chik-fil-A, embarrassed liberals decided that they should do something constructive (for a change) and vowed to show support for a corporation themselves.

They chose Starbucks Coffee.

Like most constructive efforts by liberals, it failed miserably. Which you didn’t know because an embarrassed media just ignored it, on the theory that if no one actually TALKS about a failure, then it didn’t actually fail.

Denial. River in Egypt. Not just.

I’m sure they had plausible excuses, though. Like maybe…
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Too creeped out by the way the mermaid’s eyes seem to follow you wherever you go.

1) Pulled into the Starbucks parking lot, forgot why they were there, threw a garbage can through the window out of habit, and fled.

2) Too frightened by all the gun owners showing their appreciation for Starbucks’ supportive concealed-carry policy.

3) Heard a rumor Mitt Romney might pop by and give them cancer.

4) All the food items at Starbucks are 100% dog-free, a racist insult to the President.

5) Never got over the disappointment of discovering that, while Starbucks coffee looks & smells like rancid bongwater, it has none of the happy side-effects.

6) While reading Facebook on their iPad, discovered that Starbucks was secretly a corporation and thus totally evil.

7) Scheduling conflict. Flipped a coin, it came up heads, and went to the Roseanne Barr for President rally instead. Yay! Socialist solutions!

8) Sorry, STILL too busy wandering around Madison, Wisconsin, screeching about how it’s CNN’s fault that the military-industrial-media complex conspired to throw the election to Scott Walker.

9) Denied admittance to the store by Starbucks’ strict “No Bongos” policy.

10) Apollo’s Coffee is just SO much better.
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On the bright side, when I heard liberals were going to throw their support behind Starbucks, I did what any prudent person would do: short-sold a ton of their stock & made a fortune when it tanked.

A Guest Post by Jimmy [High Praise!]

Science is remarkable and scientists are even more remarkable. For example, just recently, scientists have figured out how to identify a bat by its sound. An article on Gizmag has everything you might want to know about it. For example:

“Everyone knows that it’s possible to identify different species of birds by their vocalizations, but did you know that it’s also possible to differentiate between different types of bats based on their echolocation calls? Well, now you do…”

Holy socks! Until now, I didn’t know I would know this! Go ahead, read the whole thing and then see if you’re like me…

Which got me to thinking. How do we aurally identify common Progressives? I speculate as follows:

Person – Type of speech

* Barack Obama – Ghetto pulpit drawl

* Joe Biden – Barber shop slang

* Nancy Pelosi – Botox nasal twang

* Harry Reid – Soft cowboy longings

* Barney Frank – Boyish lisp with something in his mouth

I should stop there because I just KNOW you have more to add!

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[Harvey adds]

* Chris Matthews – 440Hz leg tingle

* Sandra Fluke – birth control pill rattle

* Hillary Clinton – broom swoosh/black cat yowl

* Bill Clinton – light scraping, like a tobacco leaf on skin

* Al Gore – boiling ocean burble

[High Praise! to The People’s Cube]

Here’s the People’s Cube official list:
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Here are suggestions for new, modernized Olympic events:

• The High Tax Jump
• Non-Fencing Along The Southern Border
• Synchronized Astroturfing
• Long Jump Followed By The Guilt Trip
• “Critical Mass” Cycling In Traffic
• Underwater Mortgage Payments
• Unemployment Line Standing
• Filling Out Applications For Gov’t Aid
• Demanding Healthcare Reform Now!
• Police Car Pooping

Among Obama-inspired events:

• Speed-Bowing
• Teleprompter Dancing
• Extreme Fingerpointing
• Apology Tourism
• Synchronized Fainting
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…and it just keeps getting better in the comments.

Also, that picture of John Kerry is priceless.

[High Praise! to Dan]

Elizabeth Warren is out there saying we should emulate China because they’re spending a fortune on roads & bridges.

Maybe she’s been hanging out too long with Anita “Mao Tse-tung is my favorite political philosopher” Dunn.

But why stop at infrastructure? Surely there are other areas where we could be more like China.

I speculate thusly:
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Well, at least we’ll finally discover that ancient secret for getting clothes so clean.

1) Coolie hats (only if worn ironically)

2) Use chopsticks instead of forks. Still need to take them away from Hispanics at Obama fundraisers, since they’re an obvious stabbing hazard.

3) More little red books. Mostly because the magazine is too big to fit in your pocket.

4) All women have to wear skirts and march in formation

5) Forget bumper stickers. “Forward.” brand fortune cookies.

6) Wispy facial hair. Although I suppose the wearing-coolie-hats-ironically hipsters’ll probably have that part covered.

7) Invest in America – buy national debt. I think the Fed’s already on top of that one.

8) Large, iconic illustrations of our supreme political leader carried through the streets by people who are forbidden from criticizing that leader. Oh, wait…

9) Is Warren hinting that we’ll all soon be conscripted to build Obama’s high-speed intercontinental railroad?

10) We get our moon program back!
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Also, we’ll finally get that wall on our border to stifle the rushing hordes of foreign invaders.

[High Praise! to Tongue Tied]

Per the Daily Mail:

A [British] luxury department store has apologised for selling wooden toy versions of Soviet-era rocket launchers. London store Liberty was forced to pull the £23.50 toy from is shelves following a number of complaints, with some describing it as “vile” and “tasteless”.

It’s… a TOY.

What in the world are they objecting to?

I speculate thusly:
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* It’s pink, the official color of breast-cancer awareness, but doesn’t have the official awareness ribbon. Sexist.

* Poor craftsmanship. Huge gap between the launcher & the bed of the truck. Shoddy, shoddy work, fellas!

* Wheels are attached by Phillips-head screws. The cross-shape of the slots has obvious [and OFFENSIVE!] Christian overtones.

* It’s pink, the official color of girls. Are you calling Soviet communists a bunch of girls just because they lost the Cold War like a bunch on young non-males who wear dresses and daisy-patterned underwear?

* It’s a Soviet-era rocket launcher, but it lacks any markings to identify it as communist, such as “CCCP” or “Forward.”

* Unlike real Soviet rockets, the ends of the wooden toy rockets aren’t honed to a fine point capable of putting a child’s eye out. How can we teach our children to blink in the presence of incoming eyeball-targeted projectiles if there are no real-world consequences?

* All the edges and corners are rounded off. Much like eyeball-targeted pointy projectiles, splinters encourage character, wisdom, and prudence.

* It’s made from the same wood as Gibson guitars.

* 3am barefoot-parent bathroom-in-the-dark toe-stubbing hazard.

* Patently deceptive, yet extremely cool, atomic mushroom-cloud on the box the toy comes in. The missiles that come with the toy are only designed to air-burst, which creates a spherical explosion.
_______________

Yeah, it’s a piece of junk.

Stick with Buckyballs.

“I also believe that a lot of gun owners would agree that AK-47s belong in the hands of soldiers, not in the hands of criminals; that they belong on the battlefield of war”

So said the Commander-in-Chief of the United States Armed Forces.

Um… AK-47s are a Russian thing. America uses M16s.

So either he was saying he wants James Holmes to join the Russian Army, or Obama’s just an out-of-touch droolsack with no understanding of American military equipment.

For the purposes of today’s post, I’m assuming the latter and listing a few other things Obama thinks the US military uses:
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Crocs: the official footwear of the US military.

1) Bearskin hats

2) Panzerkampfwagen tanks

3) MiG jet fighters

4) Oliphaunts

5) Quatloos

6) Photon torpedoes

7) Nimbus 2000 racing brooms

8) X-wings

9) BFG 9000s

10) Iocane powder

______________

Sorry, Barack, none of the above.

Also not on the list: white flags.

_______________

UPDATE: Linked by Small Dead Animals

I assume it’s because #OverPrivilegedFlunkingWhiteTrustFundCollegeStudents is too long.

Still, I can’t help noticing that, like everything else the left does on Twitter, #OccuChat is getting pwned by Conservatives.

For Example:

TheLeftFails @theleftfails

Who else has a degree in Renaissance Armpit Hair Braiding that’s having a hard time finding a job? #OccuChat

Might as well pile on:
______________

Just found out what Democracy smells like #B.O.2012 #OccuChat

* Bought a new bongo on Craigslist & bongoed right through it on day 1. Capitalism has failed! #OccuChat

* Dudes – gonna be late for the rally. Volt’s on fire again #OccuChat

* I’m gonna be late, too. Hit another blind guy in the parking lot with my Prius. Why don’t they look where I’m going? #OccuChat

* @JesusRodriguez I was at an Obama rally, trying to eat the rich, but they took away my fork #OccuChat

* I was going to burn an American flag, but when I touched it, I burst into flames. I hadn’t lit it yet. #OccuChat

* Bloomberg has the right response to James Holmes, who had a 32oz soda beforehand. #16ounceTruth #OccuChat

* @SustainableRainbow – no, it’s cool. iPhones are made by INDIGENOUS Chinese slave labor. #OccuChat

* Dudes – gonna be late. Genital piercing caught in my bike chain #DontAsk #OccuChat

* My kid lost a molar. Should I have the tooth fairy give him money for it, or is that homophobic? #OccuChat

* I love Occupy rallies, but I think I may need help with my pepper spray addiction now. #12steps #OccuChat
______________

Exit question: is it still an Occupy movement if 99% of the people using #OccuChat are convulsively-giggling Tea Partiers?

Via The Examiner:

In a tweet sent out Sunday, the campaign showed President Obama and Vice President Biden high-fiving under the headline “Dynamic Duo.”

Ok, that’s one possibility.

Here are some others:
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Elmer Fudd & The Wed Button

1) Abbot & Costello

2) Laurel & Hardy

3) Brian & Stewie

4) Thing 1 & Thing 2

5) Chip & Dale

6) George & Gracie

7) Jules & Vincent

8) Master & Blaster

9) Sauron & Saruman

10) Lenny & Squiggy

11) Those freaky albino dreadlock twins from “Matrix: Reloaded”. I forget their names. Did they even HAVE names?

12) Cake & death

13) Two by two, hands of blue

14) Boris & Natasha

15) Fred & Ginger. Not the dancers, the creepy slug-like creatures from Splice.

16) Timon & Pumbaa

17) Jay & Silent Bob

18) R2-D2 & C3P0

19) Harold & Kumar

20) Bert & Ernie

21) Statler & Waldorf

22) Lenny & Carl

23) Ren & Stimpy

______________

I was going to mention Paris Hilton & her purse-chihuahua, but then I remembered that Tinkerbell can speak in public without stuttering.

Asked why Obama’s hasn’t met with his Job Council for 6 months, Jay Carney said “there’s no specific reason except that the president’s obviously got a lot on his plate.”

[INSERT DOG-EATING JOKE HERE]

So, what else has been presidential platter-plugging since January?:
______________

Polishing his “Osama the Dead Terrorist” ventriloquist act.

1) Congratulatory slut-calls.

2) Working up an attack strategy for that tricky par 3 4th hole at Andrews.

3) Shuffling through mountains of potential names for the cradle-to-grave welfare-woman cartoon poster-child.

4) Up until late June, it was nothing but wait for the SCOTUS call on Obamacare, bite nails, bleed, bandage, repeat.

5) Researching whether there was a snootier-sounding way to pronounce “POCK-e-ston” (there isn’t).

6) Figuring out who his son would’ve looked like. Also, how he would’ve felt about Skittles.

7) Taking Russian yoga class for increased post-election flexibility

8) Finding excuses to sneak out of the White House without Michelle so he can get a meal that doesn’t include those deadly poisonous Toxic Avenger veggies from the White House garden.

9) Working on plan to come out as 1/32 Cherokee. Still looking for plagiarized recipes he can use as evidence. Also, having a devil of a time arranging surgery for cheekbone implants.

10) Busy creating shovel ready jobs, aka shallow graves for Fast & Furious documents.
______________

Of course, lately he mostly spends his time doodling tophats & monocles on pictures of Mitt Romney.

UPDATE: Reliapundit at The Astute Bloggers weighs in on the topic