Obama’s got a problem.
Mitt Romney went and picked himself a running mate who’s young, buff, and has dreamy blue eyes, as well as his own “Hey Girl” internet meme.
Yeah, he’s got a total lock on the female demographic now (except for crazy-cat-ladies-in-training like Andrea Mitchell). Basically Romney’s VP is the guy chicks think about while reading “50 Shades of Grey”.
Obama’s got… Joe Biden.
Goofy, gaffe-machine Joe Biden, with all the sex appeal of Uncle Fester. Although maybe not even that much, because at least SOME women like bald guys.
But there’s still time for Obama to strike back. Biden can be replaced, and Obama might be desperate enough to try it.
Here’s my best guesses as to Barack’s short-list to get the female vote back:
_______________
 |
1) Ellen DeGeneres – Hey, at least she knows how to look good in a suit & tie.
2) Hillary Clinton – She’s like the ugly, cankly best friend women keep around to make themselves look better by comparison when they go to bars.
3) Al Franken – Chicks love a guy with a sense of humor, and he really knows how to stuff the ol’ ballot box.
4) Harry Reid – He’ll never tell you your ass looks fat in those jeans, because an anonymous caller will tell him you don’t.
5) Anthony Weiner – He knows what a girl wants to see on Twitter
6) Alan Grayson – The crazy, dangerous guy you date to get back at your dad for not hugging you enough as a child.
7) John Kerry – Yeah, he looks like Frankenstein, but he’s got two wives’ worth of money and he won’t live forever.
8) Michael Bloomberg – A good nanny is hard to find, and Bloomberg’s about one chimney-sweep away from flying with an umbrella.
9) John Edwards – He’s got more philandering, bad-boy charm than a Kennedy, plus he knows all the best moisturizers. Silky!
10) Any pale, sparkling guy with enough lipstick. David Bowie, maybe?
_______________
Whoever Obama picks, that still leaves the problem of how to get rid of Biden. I suggest taking him out into the woods, fake-throwing a tennis ball, and driving off.
Didn’t they drop the charges against Edwards?
I figure his hair creates or saves 4-5 jobs.
-ls/cm
O should replace Uncle Joe with Sarah Palin.
Those tea party robots can’t help but vote for her. Winning!
Paul Ryan is dreeeeeaaaaammmmmy.
The only thing that would make me pay attention to Obama’s Vice President is if he picked one of the Olympic Athletes who would promise to wear a speedo full-time. Those male divers were pretty cute…
Other ways to get rid of Biden:
1) Drop about a billion toothpicks on the floor and tell him to count them
2) Give him a Beijing telephone directory
3) Tell him Batman needs him at the McMurdo Arctic Research Station
4) I was going to suggest putting him in a gunny sack and throwing it off the bridge into the river, but after looking into those puppy-dog eyes, I…I just can’t.
5) Tell him the discount persian rug store in Tehran is having a fire sale on hair plugs
Other candidates Obama could use to get the chick vote back:
1) The real rain man
2) Elena Kagan: Kagan is a man, right? Plus, we get another Liberal nutjob off the court. But wait, there’d stilll be time for our Great and Glorious Leader to make another appointment…scratch that, bad idea. But, Kagan IS a man, right?
3) John McCain – he’s only pretends to be a republican ( got the deception factor ), he’s a bona-fide war hero ( got the manliness ), and he’s got a temper – they’d love to have a man slap ’em around to keep them in line: secretly, liberal chicks really dig that.
4) Jerry Brown – hey, if he was good enough for Linda Rondstadt, he oughta be good enough for any chick. Plus, Sunny California!
Vladimir Putin. He solves Joe Biden. He cements foreign policy. No more Russian Threat. Dasvedanya, Komrade President B HO.
Obama’s transgender nanny Evie would be a great replacement for Bidden and she… I mean he.. I mean… ooopps
I don’t know if she is a he, or is he is a she, but whatever the case may be IT would really bring Obama into focus.
You all are forgetting that BO is so freakin’ narcissistic that there’s a good chance that he’d nominate himself and run as both Prez AND Veep.
Obama needs Biden to be next in line, as insurance against a worst-case-scenario for himself. Nobody wants to see President Biden. Obama would have an even deeper insurance bench if Pelosi was Speaker of the House. As it is, Boehner is the only stop-gap in a solid Democrat line of succession, each one of them more stupid than the one above them, if that were possible.
So it’ll have to be Wasserman-Schultzie. She’s totally out there, everywhere, showing her loyalty to the One, and her fearlessness when it comes to bald-faced lying.
JB: Hey sport, you send for me?
BO: Uh, yeah Joe, uh, we have a, uh, situation and, uh, we’re gonna need you to, uh, do something drastic.
JB: Hey buddy, don’t worry. Ol’ Sherrif Joe is on the case!
BO: Uh, yeah. Uh well…uh Joe, put down the letter opener, remember what happened last time.
JB: Oh God, yeah. What was I thinking?
BO: Anyway, uh, the ‘Secret Undisclosed Location’ has been compromised…
JB: HEY! I said I was sorry but how were they gonna deliver the pizza if I didn’t give them the address?
BO: …uh…yeah. Well, anyway I have a new plan.
JB: Did Valerie say it was OK?
BO: HEY! I’m the President and I make the big decisions by myself!
JB: …
BO: …
JB: …
BO: Yes, OK? As I was saying, uh, there’s a new plan. What I…
JB: Valerie.
BO: …WE are going to do is to announce that, uh, you’re being replaced as VP.
JB: For one lousy pizza?!?
BO: Cool your jets Joe. We’re just going to tell the people that but you’ll still be the Veep, just, uh, kinda, uh, super secret like.
JB: Oh! Like Secret Squirrel?
BO: …uh, surrrrre. Well, after the election you just move back to Dakota…
JB: Deleware.
BO: …wherever you want…and just pretend like you’re, uh, no longer the Veep.
JB: So, what should I do?
BO: Well, pretty much what you do now.
JB: Bitchin’! Do I still get the motorcade?
BO: No.
JB: How about my clothing alowance? It’s expensive to get those juice stains out.
BO: No.
JB: My secretary?
BO: I keep telling you Joe, that’s a portrait of Dolly Madison.
JB: Then how come she’s not holding any cupcakes?
BO: …Off topic Joe. Now, uh, can you do this for me?
JB: Sure Buckaroo. I’ll go undercover. I’ll be deeper than a fruitfly in a mango grove!
BO: A…what? In a what? Nevermind. Well this will…put down the paperweight…this will be effective immediately Joe.
JB: Can it wait until after lunch? They got pudding today!
BO: Uh, sure.
Yeah but, Bowie isn’t eligible because he wasn’t born in this country…eh, never mind.
OK, I am a crazy cat lady, but not all of us choose to be that way. I assure you, there are a lot of CCLs out there that would love it if Ryan had a hot, single, conservative brother.
I didn’t wait after “I suggest taking him out into the woods…” I just started thinking “leave the gun, take the cannoli”s”
Sorry, Bowie’s out. Prefers to watch Sponge Bob with his grandkids, and doing the voices: http://www.tvguide.com/news/atlantis-squarepantis-bowie-40418.aspx
Better than Sheriff Joe!
Vice President Joe Biden just ended his speech in Danville, VA by saying: “With you we can win North Carolina again.”