John Sununu commented, “I wish this president would learn how to be an American.” This made some liberals whine and squeal, but they’re always whining and squealing so that’s not really worth noting. And he has a point as Obama grew up at a madrassa in Indonesia so is probably confused by our American ways. Luckily, I teach a class on being an American down at the Y. Here are some of tips I’ve compiled:

HOW TO BE AN AMERICAN

Punch hippies.

Never ever whine.

Be happy for rich people.

Never turn to government to solve a problem.

Put bacon on everything.

Never apologize for being awesome.

Take responsibility for your own fate.

Carry a firearm.

Dress up as a bat in your spare time and punch poor people.

Hate all taxes.

Wrestle a grizzly bear.

Land on the moon.

Be aware of other countries but never bother to know much about them.

Be wealthy.

Build a robot suit and fight terrorists.

Master the headbutt.

Consider government an obstacle, not a savior.

Don’t ever claim you have to forcefully take money from others for the purpose of “freedom”.

Uppercut a moose.

Don’t whine about what you think you deserve but instead strive to be worthy the advantages you were given.

* * * *

What are your tips on being an American?

Ok, so people all fainting at a rally, and Obama says to call the “paralegals.”

In that vein:
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Want dessert? Call a cobbler.

* Locked out of your house? Call a key grip.

* Need someone to help you at Best Buy? Call a best boy.

* Child running around the room uncontrollably? Call a babysitter.

* Need a good dark beer? Call a porter.

* Need some hay put up in the loft? Call a bailiff.

* Need to rent a fancy new car? Call a caddie.

* Need a raised wooden area to set your patio furniture on? Call a decorator.

* Need a package delivered? Call Philip J. Fry.

* Uncomfortable intestinal gas buildup? Call a tutor.

* Automotive trouble? Call a carpenter.

* Phonograph not working? Call a stylist.

* Need protection from assassins? Call a gardener.

* Planning a bar mitzvah? Call a jeweler.

* Trouble with the Hubble? Call an astrologer.

* Yard invaded by giant reptiles? Call a navigator.

* Back hurt? Call a painter.

* Need to win a drinking game? Call a quartermaster.

* Looking for a broadcast DJ? Call a radiologist.

* Need a horseback ride to the blown up remains of the Statue of Liberty? Call a tailor.

* Autopen not signing the bottom of your documents? Call an underwriter.

* Need a hip-hop artist to perform at your next party? Call an usher.
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Above all, this November 11th, remember to thank a veterinarian.

[High Praise! to Jimmy]
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Uncle Jimmy’s Top Ten List – Where Obama Thinks Businesses Come From

(drum roll, please….\ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / )

10) It Takes A Village
9 ) The kindness of strangers
8 ) Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood block grants
7 ) Jimmy Carter’s Habitat for Oh The Humanity
6 ) Off the backs of hobos and hippies
5 ) People with change in their hearts and hope in their pockets
4 ) People building roads with shovels, carrying cement in buckets
3 ) Your tired, your poor, your huddled masses
2 ) The collective subconscious

and the number one place Where Obama Thinks Businesses Come From:

1 ) Allah!
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Almost 90 years later, the Russians are finally considering burying the embalmed body of Commie Hitler, aka Vladimir Lenin, which has lain in a glass coffin in a mausoleum on Moscow’s Red Square since his death in 1924.

Well, that’s certainly ONE option, but let’s not be hasty. Perhaps if we made a list, we could conjure up a better possibility. He’ll probably never be more useful than a dead cat, but let’s stay optimistic:
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Cyber-Lenin! Pure Commie Evil!

1) Run him against Zombie Reagan in 2016 – it’d be just like 1980 all over again!

2) Are they re-making the Wizard of Oz? Because I think we’ve got our new Wicked Witch of the East.

3) Puppet Show! (he could open for Spinal Tap)

4) A little glitter and he could guest star in the next Twilight movie.

5) There’s probably room in Barack’s office, since that pesky bust of Churchill isn’t cluttering things up anymore.

6) White House garden compost. Michelle’s sweet potatoes have never been more dictatorriffic.

7) IMAO co-blogger.

8) If they could figure out how to make him less likely to check IDs, he could be a Democrat poll-watcher.

9) Red shirt #3 in the new Star Trek movie so McCoy can have an extra line.

10) Go traditional – chuck him in the sea.
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Ya know, the UN wouldn’t need a global billionaire’s tax if they’d just install a pay toilet over wherever Lenin gets buried.

In the sitcom Scrubs, Dr. Cox is forever referring to intern John “J.D.” Dorian by girls’ names (complete list here).

In the comments, Just Somebody [High Praise!] referred to President Obama thusly:

Geez, at least Bush would have showed up in jeans and asked for a shovel. Mary looks like she just blew in from the salon. Ewwwww dirt…

Now, “Mary” is – stereotypically speaking – a “white” girl’s name, so it’s probably racist to apply this to America’s First Black African-American of Color President.

If you MUST deride the Commander-in-Chief’s manhood, I submit this list of more racially-sensitive monikers:
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* Oprah

* Venus

* Serena

* Beyoncé

* Tyra

* Whitney

* Condoleezza

* Maya

* Halle

* Rosa

* Aretha

* Moesha

* Mahalia

* Whoopi

* Latifah

* Rihanna

* Coretta

* Mo’Nique

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Also, please don’t use “Michelle”, since that name may be offensive to Wookiees and/or Klingons.

A tiny little storm rolls through, and the next thing you know, half the East Coast gets plunged into darkness.

Why?

As a raving paranoid off his meds, I speculate thusly:
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“Al Gore’s still working the bugs out of his weather control machine.”

1) Obama was playing with Biden and accidentally tossed Joe’s favorite squeak-toy into a transformer.

2) The EPA forgot we actually still USE all those coal-fired plants they shut down.

3) Jay Carney got carried away during an imaginary game of “Mission: Impossible” and cut the red wire.

4) Mr. Burns will NOT give you back your Dental Plan!

5) Luke is a crack shot with those proton torpedoes. “Bullseye, womprat!”

6) That dang Morpheus keeps unplugging people.

7) Leonardo DiCaprio woke up and everything just fell apart.

8) Godzilla!

9) The lights were turned off in preparation for Obama’s climatic appearance on stage at the Democrat Convention. What a drama queen!

10) Unfortunately, the East Coast “smart grid” uses the same “smart” as Obama’s “smart diplomacy”.

11) Who is John Galt?
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Speaking of John Galt, a local elected Democrat had this to say:

“I will not accept the timetable of July the 6th, said Montgomery County Executive Isiah Leggett (D), shortly after Pepco announced some homes would not have their power restored until Friday or even later. “Having our citizens go seven days without utilities in my opinion is not the kind of service we should expect.”

Brings to mind the sort of political mind-over-reality huffenpuffery of the politicians who caused the Taggart Tunnel disaster.

I noticed #ObamaIsLikeABadBoyfriend is trending on Twitter, so let’s explore this theme:
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Always asking us to “bring a friend” for his creepy pal Joe.

1) Always bringing us flowers and candy. The flowers he stole from our garden. They’ve still got bees. We’re allergic. Speaking of allergies – peanuts!… and the candy is Snickers.

2) He doesn’t throw pebbles at our window at night. He sends the EPA over with shotguns and flash-bang grenades.

3) Whispers sweet nothings to us and calls us by the wrong name. Check. Check. Double check.

4) Says he loves us, but he’s always making eyes at our hot Latina cousin.

5) We WANT to trust him, but he never looks us in the eyes when he talks – just keeps looking left, right, left, right…

6) We spend hours slaving over a hot stove, cooking him a fancy romantic dinner. All he says is “needs more poodle.”

7) Look, we knew he wasn’t really religious (“just spiritual, baby”) but would it kill him to once, just ONCE, go to church with us instead of going to the golf course with his buddies?

8) Take us out to see the MLB All-Star game, and we get all set up in a fancy skybox to watch him throw out the first pitch. He shows up in Mom Jeans. MOM JEANS! The worst part, though, were all those “why do you stay with him?” pitying looks from our friends. That, and not having a paper bag to wear home.

9) Tried to make up for the All-Star game fiasco by taking us out to see the White Sox. Drove around for SIX HOURS because he couldn’t find “Cominskey Field“. Yeah, we missed the game.

10) Says he’ll meet us for at a spendy restaurant for dinner at 7 to make up for the Sox game fiasco. Get there… turns out he got there at 6. He ordered a big steak dinner, martini, all that stuff, and then he accused us of running up the tab, and stormed out in a huff.

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And of course the WORST thing – which seems too obvious to even mention, really – is it turns out HE’S ALREADY MARRIED!

Although one look at the way Michelle’s let herself go, and it’s not hard to see why Barry would be on the prowl.

(A guest-post from T-dog [High Praise!]
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10: “Huh… that wasn’t supposed to happen.”

9: “I’m glad the Supreme Court knows the Constitution as well as I pretend to know it.”

8: “I know I said the Supreme Court doesn’t have power to make decisions like this, but it worked in my favor so who cares.”

7: “Let me be clear, this is a tax, not what I said it wasn’t earlier.”

6: “Quiet on the putting green.”

5: “I passed Obamacare, I ruled on its constitutionality, and I have taken possession of the Supreme Court.”

4: “Today healthcare. Tomorrow Piggly Wiggly!”

3: “Today I begin to rule my opponents with an iron fist of jello.”

2: “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it is still Animal Farm.”

1: “I. Am. Screwed.”

SCOTUS ruled that the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act is constitutional. It’s a terrible law, and everyone, including the President, calls it “Obamacare.”

So… what else should be named after him?
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“Unexplained thrills? Maybe it’s Obama Leg Syndrome”

1) The next dinosaur to be discovered in a communist country.

2) That one part of the toilet that never seems to work right and is a huge, messy pain in the ass to fix? I call it the “Obama valve”

3) Any sewage treatment plant that received stimulus funds.

4) Remember how they powered Thunderdome? That fuel should be called “Obamanol”.

5) That little piece of wood the Speaker of the House whacks his gavel on.

6) The next ship taken out of mothballs to be used as a target during wargames. [High Praise! to Ogrrre]

7) When the House re-introduces and re-passes the “Repealing the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act“, just call it the “Obamacare Sucks Act” this time.

8) Any spot on your back that really itches that you just can’t reach that eventually turns into a malignant melanoma.

9) A generic term that encompasses both the liquid and solid contents of a litter box.

10) The act of walking barefoot to the bathroom in the middle of the night without turning on the light and stepping on a stray Lego piece.
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Regardless of what gets named after Obama in the future, rest assured that from now own, every time I say his name, it will be with that distinctive Samuel-L-Jacksonian tone and emphasis that would make a call-screener scramble desperately for the bleep-button out of sheer reflex, subconsciously convinced that I’d just uttered a particularly foul obscenity on the air.

Ok, take 5 seconds to lick your wounds.

Good. Now are you an AmeriCAN or an AmeriCAN’T?

If you’re the former, it’s time to jump into action. This is how I think we should respond.
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“You got a war face? AAAAAAAAAAH! That’s a war face! Now let me see your war face!”

1) Activate the Omega-13

2) Do whatever it is that America did after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor.

3) Paint our faces blue and choreograph a well-timed kilt-lift.

4) Quick! While Obama’s distractedly cackling and torturing our offspring by shooting lightning out of his fingertips, pick him up and throw him down the shaft!

5) Send a one-word telegram to the White House: “NUTS!” [High Praise! to Burmashave]

6) Who ya gonna call? (I looked it up, the number’s 555-2368)

7) This is not a catastrophe. This is, as J.R.R. Tolkien would say, a eucatastrophe. Roberts may have decided to keep “The Precious,” but we haven’t left Mt. Doom yet.

8) Hey President Jafar – you should wish to be a genie!

9) Screw the Force. Turn the targeting computer back on.

10) Aim to misbehave.
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And for heaven’s sake, whatever you do, don’t start freaking out like some sort of green lieutenant fresh out of the academy:

[Splicd direct link]

UPDATE: If you’re feeling short on inspirational role models for what lies ahead: Legless Man Climbs Mt. Kilimanjaro on Hands

Full disclosure: I had a paper route during the Carter years, and when I got bored, I read the headlines. So I remember Jimmy’s term in office better than most people my age, because those headlines were bleak and terrifying, and left scars.

So when I read that Carter was busting Obama’s chops over using drones to kill terrorists – one of the few things Obama’s done right in office – I wanted to bash Mr. Peanut right in the monocle.

But then I thought about it & decided to let it slide because I realized that – big picture – Carter was actually a better President than Obama:
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Jimmy Carter told us to turn the thermostat down. Obama told us to spread the wealth around.

1) Jimmy Carter lusted after women in his heart. The women Obama lusted after were composites.

2) Jimmy Carter successfully fought off a rabbit, which is several rungs up the evolutionary ladder from any fly Obama managed to beat up.

3) Jimmy Carter’s ineptitude brought us the greatest President of the 20th century, Ronald Reagan. From Obama’s ineptitude, we MIGHT get the greatest President of the 21st century who was named after a piece of baseball equipment.

4) Jimmy Carter let the Shah of Iran into the US for medical treatment, because the Shah was, so to speak, “our bastard“. Obama wants you to pay for Sandra Fluke’s contraception so that she doesn’t have any bastards.

5) Jimmy Carter grew peanuts on a farm. Obama grew mortgages underwater.

6) Jimmy Carter gave all the land around the Panama Canal to the people of Panama. Obama gave all the land north of the Rio Grande to the people of Mexico.

7) Jimmy Carter gave the Russians the horrifying threat of nuclear armageddon. Obama gave the Russians a misspelled red plastic novelty button.

8) As a boy, Jimmy Carter loved his dog, Bozo. As a boy, Obama loved his dog al dente.

9) Jimmy Carter had a brother, who successfully launched his own brand of beer. Obama had a beer summit. Oh, brother.

10) Jimmy Carter asked the Secret Service to keep his brother away. Obama asked the Secret Service to keep away from brothels.
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And, of course, the Navy honored Jimmy Carter by naming a submarine after him. Obama honored the Navy by stealing credit after the SEALs got bin Laden.

(A Guest-Post by Jimmy [High Praise! He said he couldn’t write funny stuff except in comments, so I challenged him to write a Top 10 List)
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If you’re like me (even though you’re not), you’re probably still wondering just WHY our President would hide behind Executive Privilege in this Fast and Furious mess. Because of my advanced, multi-disciplined years, I have some special, wise, Irish insight into this – plus, Harvey threatened to excommunicate me from the Brotherhood of Moon Nukering Bacon Eaters if I didn’t try! (Edited w/suggestions from Harvey.)

#10: The Occupy Wall Street protesters will stand by his decision!

#9: The only White House copy machine blew-up. When they tried to fix it, it burnt-up, including the original documents.

#8: Hillary Clinton is involved and the order came down from The First Black President.

#7: Our national image is at stake. Releasing the documents would implicate Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton in unnatural acts.

#6: BO peed on them on the Oval Office floor forcing the President to euthanize him on the White House grill. Pee stains need removing.

#5: Too many invasive species who vote were sent up from Mexico in return for weapons. Let’s get our priorities straight, okay?

#4: The White House garden is infested with tics from China and they’re biting the children. Executive Privilege – for the children!

#3: Michelle has a tic bite on her mouth and now would not be a good time.

#2: Eric Holder started crying at a Cabinet meeting and they ran out of tissues. Now the documents are too tear-stained to read.

and the number one reason Obama claimed Executive Privilege is:

#1: He actually WANTS to hear an answer to the question, “What did the President know, and when did he know it?” since he’s also been wondering that since taking office.
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See? I knew he could do it.

Ok, now everybody chime in and make Jimmy feel bad by leaving the obvious ones that he missed in the comments.