John Sununu commented, “I wish this president would learn how to be an American.” This made some liberals whine and squeal, but they’re always whining and squealing so that’s not really worth noting. And he has a point as Obama grew up at a madrassa in Indonesia so is probably confused by our American ways. Luckily, I teach a class on being an American down at the Y. Here are some of tips I’ve compiled:
HOW TO BE AN AMERICAN
Punch hippies.
Never ever whine.
Be happy for rich people.
Never turn to government to solve a problem.
Put bacon on everything.
Never apologize for being awesome.
Take responsibility for your own fate.
Carry a firearm.
Dress up as a bat in your spare time and punch poor people.
Hate all taxes.
Wrestle a grizzly bear.
Land on the moon.
Be aware of other countries but never bother to know much about them.
Be wealthy.
Build a robot suit and fight terrorists.
Master the headbutt.
Consider government an obstacle, not a savior.
Don’t ever claim you have to forcefully take money from others for the purpose of “freedom”.
Uppercut a moose.
Don’t whine about what you think you deserve but instead strive to be worthy the advantages you were given.
* * * *
What are your tips on being an American?
* Never take liberty for granted.
* Scoff at any idea coming out of Europe.
* Pump your fist and shout “Yeahhhh!” when a jihadi dies.
* Always be a gentleman (if you’re male) or a lady (if you’re female).
* Spend only money that YOU”VE earned.
* Always, always, ALWAYS walk away from explosions in slow motion with a steeley eyed determination.
Join the military and kill foreigners for fun and profit.
Taunt the French at every opportunity.
Hold an Ayn Rand-themed wedding.
Eat beef jerky.
Watch and enjoy True Grit, Green Berets, and Black Hawk Down.
After landing on the moon and shouldering the bulk of the financial burden for the International Space Station, gut the space program and cede leadership in space to China and Russia.
Actually, scratch that last one, because it would technically qualify Obama.
Eat more bacon.
Go to Strip Clubs regularly.
Go to the Gun Range (or local equivalent) regularly.
More bacon.
Drink alcohol regularly (beer, wine, whiskey, etc…).
More bacon.
* Run towards an emergency.
* Defend the 1st, 2nd and 4th Amendments.
* Do what you say you’re going to do.
* Throw the bums out.
* When you see something loud and fast that doesn’t have a muffler, it’s not “destroying the planet”, it’s awesome!
* Don’t date wookies.
* It’s called a baseball: learn to throw it.
* Grown men don’t wear bike helmets.
* …and as long as they’re sure there aren’t any nanny-state cops around, neither do their kids.
Speak loudly and slowly to people that don’t understand English
Wow, wonder what could have possibly needed moderation. Are we now considering “wookie” to be hate speech? Lol
Fire someone.
…add “Good Lord willing and the creek don’t rise” to everything you say.
@Chip — Chip, Chip, Chip, real Americans don’t go to the gun range, real Americans build a range out their back door. Real Americans do not drink wine, that is for the french.
@SOB — wookie is only hate speech if you insulted them by comparing them with the foul beast that is married to the occupant. Then it would be furrist.
Never correct or comment on someone else’s humor!
Enjoy baseball and football, and mock soccer as a sport for pansies.
Tell every wino, hobo, bum, and miscreant to “get a job!”
Make the yearly pilgrimage to Vegas for hookers and blackjack.
Have a poster of Chuck Norris on your wall.
Watch Firefly.
Have a dog as a pet not an entre
Exercise the right to keep and bear arms
Work hard to repeal the 10th amendment
One hyphenated word, Comic-con
Enjoy football, not the metric version
Enjoy hockey but blame Canada
Thank a veteran everyday for giving you the opportunity to live in the greatest country in the world
Emulate rich people. Don’t emasculate them.
Every time the government does anything, the first question you should ask is: “How will this affect my grandkids?”
Show up November 6
Support the people who put their lives on the line to protect this country.
If you know anybody who actually supports obama, do your best to reason with them, (out of simple diligence) and when you finally accept that it’s a hopeless quest, tell them to go piss up a rope.
Don’t live in New Jersey, New York, California, Washington, DC, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Vermont, or Maine.
Eat apple pie.
Use ‘Ya der hey’ a lot.
(technically thats only in Minnesota)
I think Denis Leary’s got it down to a science (NSFW):
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/3766fd30dc/kiss-my-a-with-denis-leary
Don’t take things that don’t belong to you.
And by belong to you, I mean that you earned yourself, not just things you think you deserve, or think someone else shouldn’t have.
^ Jeff, I’m confused. Isn’t the tenth amendment more fundamental to conservatism than the second or first. After all, it’s the tenth amendment that declares the individual mandate a gross abuse of power.
-Wear blue jeans as God and Levi Strauss intended, work and casual wear. Not as overpriced designer Fashion accessories.
-Even if you have to live in the city, always know that you were born to be sitting on the back of a horse somewhere in the country. Strive to make this happen.
-Defend the weak, stand with the just, welcome the oppressed, rejoice with the free.
-“Plant yourself like a tree beside the River of Truth and tell the world, ‘No. You move.'”
Fixed.
Drive a pickup truck or SUV and scoff at people in small, fuel efficient vehicles.
Display firearms and assorted weaponry in a case in your living room.
Live in a house. with a yard around it.
Don’t ride trains.
Ignore sports that the rest of the world obsesses about. Obsess about sports that they don;t understand. Care not what they think about it.
Take to the streets in protest to have the government STOP trying to pay for too much stuff.
Rescue the soccer-lovers from totalitarians, natural disasters, terrorists, and the like, even though you know they will still blame you for everything bad that happens on the planet.
Be the training base and home for the vast majority of the world’s Olympians. Then get some of the best of them to become citizens so their medals count for America’s total.
Plant your flag on the moon.
Listen to classic country music and bluegrass.
And enlist in the Marines.
I meant the 17th amendment sorry
^ Jeff, Hmmm, I’d never really heard much about number seventeen before, although I was (vaguely) aware that originally U.S. senators were not directly elected. What in particular bothers you about the change? (I know you weren’t referring to it on purpose, but I still think number 10 might be my favorite.)
#26 – Zaklog the Great,
When Senators were directly selected by the States, they acted as a bulwark for the States against the power of the Federal government, and protected the 10th amendment against infringement by the same.
Since they’ve been elected by the voters, they worry more about re-election, just like any other politician, and get their votes the same way, by offering free stuff to suckers.
The 17th amendment, along with income taxes (16th) and prohibition (18th), were passed during the first great Progressive push to ‘fundamentally transform’ this country.
Since then, the progressives learned that they don’t need no stinkin’ amendments, they just change the meaning of the Constitution to please themselves, day by day.
Still, repealing the 17th would be a step in the right direction.