Archive of entries posted on 4th July 2012

Why America Has the Awesomest Anthem On the Planet

Posted by on

Usually when people write about America’s national anthem, it’s to complain about how hard it is to sing.

Forget the music.

David Goldman writes at PJMedia about the stirring, brilliant uniqueness of the Francis Scott Key poem that serves as its lyrics:

There is something inherently fragile about the United States of America. France will be France and Slovakia will be Slovakia so long as French and Slovak are spoken, irrespective of their mode of government. But if Americans cease to govern themselves in a way that no people ever governed itself before, America will not be America. We are the only nation founded on an idea, rather than on blood, territory or culture. We look back at our founders with reverence. Each day we should ask ourselves whether we are good enough to keep the republic which they bequeathed us. We came close to losing it more than once. If we continue to drift into dependency, we might lose it now.

That is why it behooves us to sing a national anthem that begins and ends with questions. In this respect, “The Star-Spangled Banner” is an unusual poem. To begin a poem with a rhetorical question is a common enough device (“Why! Who makes much of a miracle?,” “What is so rare as a day in June?” or “Who rides in the night through wind and wild?”). Key’s opening question, though, is not rhetorical, but existential. The hearer from whom the poet demands a response has kept the poet’s company in an anxious vigil. The question itself thus places the hearer alongside the poet in that vigil.

Click here to read it all.

Little Known Facts About the Founding Fathers

Posted by on

[With all due apologies to Harvey for stealing one of his tried and true bits…]

George Washington’s famous wooden teeth were actually carved from the very same cherry tree he couldn’t lie to his Father about chopping down. Why did you think he chopped the damned thing down to begin with?

Benjamin Franklin, the inventor of the stove, bifocals and the Hundred Dollar Bill, did not discover electricity by flying his kite in a thunderstorm as legend would have you believe. He actually discovered static electricity when his kite stuck to the culottes he had just put on after removing them fresh from the clothes dryer.

Why did John Hancock sign his name so large on the Declaration of Independence? Because no one had invented shouting at the King by TYPING IN ALL CAPS ON THE INTERNET YET!!!

James Madison drafted the original version of the United States Constitution entirely in Pig Latin just to mess with everyone’s minds: “Eway the Eoplepay…”

The Boston Tea Party, in which patriots protested unjust taxes by dressing up like Indians and tossing tea off of British ships in the middle of the night, took place in Boston Harbor on December 16, 1773. Not mentioned nearly as often in the history books is the concurrent Occupy Boston movement, in which a bunch of confused teenagers dressed up in tie-dyes and birkenstocks and sat around banging on drums while complaining that everything ought to be free and defecating in the public square.

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both famously died on the same day, July 4th, 1826, exactly 50 years to the day from the signing of the Declaration of Independence. John Adams’ famous last words were, “Thomas Jefferson still survives,” though, ironically, word had not reached him that Jefferson had indeed passed a mere 5 hours earlier at Monticello after muttering, mysteriously, “Wrong again, John.”

The reason so many of our Founding Fathers wore powdered wigs? They had been scalped by Elizabeth Warren’s ancestors who liked to run around claiming to be Indians and scalping anyone who laughed at them.

Your turn!

Have a safe and Happy Independence Day!

_______________

UPDATE: Linked by Hatless in Hattiesburg

15 Fun Facts About Independence Day

Posted by on

caption here

Independence Day is a holiday where patriots celebrate the founding of a free nation and should not be confused with any insipid, 2-hour long Jeff Goldblum commercials for Apple computers.

1) The first Independence Day in America was celebrated on July 4th, 1776, the day the Continental Congress approved the document that declared our independence from Great Britain. The war that followed lasted until 1783, so basically less messy than most divorces.

2) The major objection to being ruled by Britain was pithily summed up as “taxation without representation”. Minor objections included “British hookers aren’t lookers” and “your tea tastes like pee”.

3) Thomas Jefferson presented the first draft of the Declaration of Independence to Congress on June 28th, 1776, but it wasn’t passed, so no one ever found out what was in it.

4) Betsy Ross actually sewed the first American flag two months before Independence Day, a case of premature embroideration.

5) The first public Independence Day event at the White House occurred in 1804 during the Jefferson administration and was attended mainly by hippies accusing the President of waging war to steal oil from the Barbary pirates.

6) Before cars ruled the roadway, Independence Day was traditionally the most miserable day of the year for horses, tormented by kids who threw firecrackers at them. Think of it as a primitive version of “Angry Birds”.

7) Lewis and Clark celebrated the first Independence Day west of the Mississippi at Independence Creek near Atchison, Kansas. The main festivity consisted of throwing firecrackers at cyclones, resulting in the death of over 100 Munchkins and the Good Witch of the South.

8) Both Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died on Independence Day, 1826. Jefferson, however, managed to outlive Adams by a few minutes, thus fulfilling the tontine and securing for himself the front of both the nickel and the two dollar bill.

9) The names of the signers of the Declaration of Independence were withheld from the public for more than six months to protect the signers from being prosecuted for treason. Not sure what Jane Fonda did to dodge that bullet.

10) In 1941, Congress declared Independence Day a federal legal holiday. It is one of the few federal holidays that has not been moved to the nearest Friday or Monday, due mostly to the fact that bills proposing the move are always introduced too close to the Memorial Day weekend to get acted upon.

11) Over 100 other nations besides America celebrate their own Independence Day. All of whom, ironically, are completely dependent on America to protect them militarily.

12) A large percentage of Americans also celebrate Dependence Day. Usually around the 1st of the month when the check from Uncle Sam hits the ol’ mailbox.

13) The traditional form of celebration on Independence Day is setting off illegal fireworks. If some killjoy cop tries to bust you for it, play “Angry Birds” with him.

14) Also traditional, yet less popular in modern times – writing long, bilious letters to monarchs That include random Capitalization and ftarting “s” words with the letter “f”.

15) To be safe on Independence Day, never carry fireworks in your pocket or shoot them off in metal or glass containers. To have fun on Independence Day, always light your fireworks with a burning sheet of safety tips.

Have a happy Independence Day, and remember – an Independence Day parade ain’t an Independence Day parade unless it includes at least one tarred and feathered Redcoat.

UPDATE: Linked by Hankering for History

UPDATE: Linked by Rubino World

Independence Day, 2012

Posted by on

On this, the 236th anniversary of the adoption of this document, we should take a few minutes and consider these words that made up a nation.

IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.–Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

  • He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
  • He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
  • He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
  • He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
  • He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
  • He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
  • He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
  • He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
  • He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
  • He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
  • He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
  • He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
  • He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
    • For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
    • For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
    • For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
    • For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
    • For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
    • For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences
    • For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
    • For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
    • For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
  • He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
  • He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
  • He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
  • He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
  • He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

As important as these words and sentiments were in 1776, they are just as important and meaningful today.