[High Praise! to Les of Brick Moon]
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UPDATE: Linked by Doug Ross
Archive of entries posted on 13th July 2012
REVEALED! The Shocking True Secret History of America’s Founding
Washington College Students Rally to Protect Cows From Global Warming
SEATTLE (AP) – A newly released report showing that higher temperatures cause cows to give less milk is uniting climate and animal rights activists to take immediate action to counteract the negative effects of bovine heat stress.
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“Cows are happy in parts of Northern California and not in Florida. That’s a good way to sum up the findings of my new research,” said University of Washington economist Rainbow Moonglow Rabinowitz. “A hot cow is a cranky cow, and a cranky cow gives less milk. So, in addition to fighting climate change, we must all struggle together to make our Bovine-American friends happier. If we fail, we risk facing a tragic “Cows With Guns” scenario.
Professional animal rights activist Sunshine Daffodil Wyzowski explained how she developed her so-far resoundingly successful methods of cow-cheering.
“We start with the assumption that cows are highly intelligent creatures,” said Wyzowski, “much like progressive college students. Therefore it’s only logical to conclude that the same things will make them happy. You know, like chanting, bongos, songs by Animal Collective (on vinyl of course), PBR, and ironic hats. If we provide our Bovine-American friends with these things in sufficient quantities, it’s only logical to conclude that we will be able to counteract the effects of climate change, which is man-made and George Bush’s fault.”
Local dairy-owner Billy Bob Jones, whose farm was the center of a recent cow-cheering event, reported mixed results.
“Well, as anyone with a lick of sense knows, cows are pretty dumb,” said Jones. “Kinda like progressive college students. And they’re easily scared by loud noises. Last week, a bunch of them overprivilged, under-brained UW snots come trompin’ onto my land, chanting, beatin’ on drums, and playin’ the gadawfulest records you’d ever heard in your life. Rattled my poor cows pretty bad. They haven’t given a drop of milk since.”
During the interview, Sunshine Wyzowski’s crew paid a surprise return visit to the farm, causing Jones to abruptly run off yelling “get that damn fedora offa my Bessie!”
A subsequent attempt to contact Jones to finish the interview was unsuccessful, ending with shotgun-waving and a request for this reporter to “get the hell of my land, hippie!”
IMAO Ace Reporter drowningpuppies [High Praise!] contributed to this story, and is currently in the hospital having buckshot tweezed out of his tuckus. Get well soon, DP!
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Did Biden REALLY Just Do This While Talking to the NAACP?
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #7,355)
“Hey Mouse, are you out dere? Hey Mouse, how you doin’, man?”
(People who aren’t completely black (Obama, Biden) People who have no Negro dialect, unless they wanted to have one)
Technically, I suppose I should’ve included Hillary in there, too.
Link of the Day: Can You Spot the Racist in This Picture?
Larry Correia is solidly in the zone at Monster Hunter Nation:
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
You’ve Been Judged!
Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “Nancy Pelosi discovered a way to make millions…“.
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
Operation Baen Bulk
Here’s a neat charity. It’s from SF publisher Baen, and they’re picking units who are deployed overseas and raising money to meet all their needs. And if you donate enough money, they will kill you. Well, you’ll be redshirtted in a future Baen novel (friends of IMAO authors Michael Z. Williamson and Sarah Hoyt have already agreed to participate, and they hope to get more authors on board). So think of making a donation, and if you know of any unit deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan that will be there at least six more months and could use some supplies, pass that unit on to them.
13 Fun Facts About Friday the 13th
I’m not superstitious, but millions of other people are, to one degree or another. On the off chance that one of those millions isn’t too petrified to go on the internet, I offer the following to help sweep away the gloomy clouds of supernatural fear by shining the light of knowledge against their primitive mindless terror with these
FUN FACTS ABOUT FRIDAY THE 13TH
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1) The superstition of Friday the 13th being a day of bad luck was created by Henry Sutherland Edwards on Friday, November 13th, 1868, while playing craps, after having lost his life savings on an all-or-nothing bet by rolling a 13. He died later that day of food poisoning after eating a bad Spicy Craft-Beer Cheeseburger at T.G.I. Friday’s.
2) Due to the year having a number of days not divisible by 7, plus the occasional leap year, the number of Friday the 13ths will vary between 1 and 3 each year. Biblical prophecy, however, clearly states that one year will have a 4th Friday the 13th, during which SyFy will run a Firefly Season 2 marathon.
3) The scientific term for fear of Friday the 13th is “paraskevidekatriaphobia”, which is derived from a collection of Greek words that translate literally as “superstitious pansy”.
4) In America, Friday the 13th is traditionally celebrated by donning sports equipment and chasing teenagers through a campground with a machete.
5) If your birthday is on the 13th, then Friday the 13th is actually a lucky day for you. Expect a shiny new iPad. Everyone else – have an Etch A Sketch.
6) The official flower of Friday the 13th is whichever one you’re allergic to.
7) Famous movie director Alfred Hitchcock was born on Friday the 13th, 1899. The first draft of the script for his classic film “Psycho” was originally a much tamer story, where Janet Leigh was horrified to discover that there was no mint on her pillow.
8) Cuban dictator Fidel Castro was born on Friday the 13th, 1926. Oddly, the day of his birth is officially considered a lucky day by Cuban citizens. The day of his death – even more so.
9) Stockbroker and author Thomas W. Lawson, in his 1907 novel “Friday the Thirteenth,” wrote of a stockbroker’s attempts to take down Wall Street. Bizarrely, without the use of bongos.
10) The Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, NC, estimates that airlines lose $900 million due to people’s fear of flying on Friday the 13th, which is about the same as the amount lost due to fear of overly-intimate TSA patdowns on any other day.
11) The British Medical Journal did a study that shows that car accidents occur more often on Friday the 13th, although some people claim it’s merely coincidental, since Friday the 13th is also “Drive on the Wrong Side of the Road Day” in England. Wacky Limeys!
12) Scientists predict that the Earth will be destroyed on Friday, April 13th, 2029 from an impact by the asteroid 99942 Apiophis. On the bright side, you won’t have to worry about paying your taxes for 2028.
13) Legendary rapper Tupac Shakur was shot and killed in Las Vegas on Friday, September 13th, 1996. His last words were “don’t point that gun at me, you superstitious pansy!”
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Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go set up the DVR for the Firefly Season 2 marathon.
I Blame Bush
This tweet from the DNC is a little hard to believe:
“Everything bad that’s ever happened under [Romney]…he blames on other people, and that just isn’t very Presidential.”
That has to be a joke, right? No one could lack that much self-awareness and function in society.
How to Do the “Harry Reid”
The Urban Dictionary website defines “Harry Reid” as: “A sexual position where you climb on top and then do absolutely nothing.”
Next year, expect it to change to: “being on the bottom and moaning a lot”.
The Future of IMAO
It’s been neat this week looking back at the past ten years of IMAO. It’s a lot of posts, and it was cool to see some Harvey found of mine that could have been written by someone else for all I remember of them. But this all really makes me wish I had more time for blogging to do some new more elaborate posts. I’ve had to give up blogging time for other writing projects as I’m trying to make my name as a columnist and I’m still working on my long time goal of being a novelist (back in 2005 I wrote a story, “Superego”, piece by piece on my blog and I’ve since rewritten it from scratch into a full novel; SarahK is helping me edit it and I’m about 60,000 words into another novel I’m working on). But there is certain kinds of funny that can only be done as blog posts and it needs to be done. In the very least, I need to make time for some more Frank the Artist (old archive here, new archive here), as that was some pretty funny stuff. And I wish I had time for more podcasts; I loved working on those with SarahK who is probably the most talented comedic actor of the group. We’ve been talking about doing our own RiffTrax of a movie for some time; maybe one day we’ll get time.
Well, who knows what the future will hold for me and for the blog IMAO. Well, on September 4th HarperCollins will be publishing my next book
In it, I will give my solutions to all of America’s problems. Interestingly, Obama isn’t mentioned once (other than the title of my previous book) because it’s a forward looking book about American greatness, so he didn’t really fit in it.
Anyway, I want to thank all my readers old and new for coming here and giving me your time. This blog has already given me so much, and I hope to continue to keep an entertaining stop for you all far into the future. And maybe make it a source for rebel news when the apes or the robots take over.
Straight Line of the Day: Bill Clinton Offered Obama Some Advice…
Bad Storytelling
So what’s the big problem with the Obama presidency? Well, Obama has put his finger on it: bad storytelling. Obama has realized the reason his first term hasn’t gone so well is that he didn’t “tell a story” of why he’s awesome despite the sucky economy. I don’t know how those stories would go.
“Once upon a time there were three little pigs. One built his house out of straw. Another built one out of twigs. And the other built a house out of bricks. And then the big bad wolf came and taxed them all for not having health insurance.”
“Snow White was known as the fairest woman throughout the realm, so she was immediately made president despite having no experience, and everyone lived happily ever after.”
“While Sleeping Beauty lay on the couch, the valiant Prince Obama delivered foodstamps to her.”
“Hansel and Gretel then found a house made of candy. Inside was Michelle Obama, who beat them up for wanting candy.”
“Little Red Riding Hood skipped through the forest toward Grandma’s house, but when she arrived, she found her Grandma gone, because the death panels had determined she was too costly.”
“And Rumpelstiltskin made a deal with her: She could keep her child if she could guess Obama’s middle name. And when she did, she was hauled off for being racist.”
“And Cinderella had to flee the ball before her golden carriage turned back into massive amounts of debt.”
Romney Getting Booed by the NAACP Was a Good Thing Because…
During a speech before the NAACP, Mitt Romney was booed for vowing to repeal Obamacare.
On the bright side, though, no one yelled “you lie!”
Random Thoughts: The Unknown VP
It was easy to figure out the problem was he needed to refresh his browser when I debugged with the assumption that all my code was perfect.
I’m glad men don’t get pregnant because we have so much more important stuff to do.
You can win a chance to meet Romney and his VP but I don’t know who is VP is and what if I hate him and it’s awkward?
Whoever the VP pick is, he should start doing events for Romney now but while wearing a mask and using a voice distorter.
I hope Romney’s VP pick isn’t Joe Paterno because he’s a bad one for at least two different reasons.
Romney ran the Olympics and Bain AT THE SAME TIME while at night he was Batman.
If you don’t trust Drudge then you make a black and white website that would look unstylish in the 90s that gets a billion visits a day.