Utah authorities are working to identify a man who was spotted dressed in a goat suit among a herd of wild goats in the mountains of northern Utah.
My suggestion: look for someone who’s worked as a nanny.
Archive of entries posted on 25th July 2012
It’s Only Flaw? It’s Non-Toxic
Yes, it’s a plastic shotgun that uses ordinary table salt to shoot flies.
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #606,475)
I want one just so that I can fill it with pepper and take it to an Occupy rally.
Ever Heard a Liberal Pitch a Scheme That Didn’t End With These Words?
[via CNS News]
Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn.) wants to fix nasty ol’ broken capitalism with a soda tax (emphasis mine):
“But I will tell you that if you’re paying $3.49 for juice and 79 cents for soda, if you are in a low-income family and you have to stretch the dollar, you don’t need a rocket scientist to tell you what you’re going to buy,” DeLauro said. “You’re going to go for the 79 cents.
“And maybe, quite frankly,” she said, “one of the things that we ought to look at and one of the things we ought to consider is a soda tax.
“Maybe we ought to look at that amongst several other areas that we are looking at in terms of nutrition,” she said.
“Look, the point is: This is a critical, critical issue,” DeLauro said. “We need to work together.”
“Yes, it’s a horrible idea, but if you oppose it, you must hate teamwork.”
Sorry, Rosalitums, doing a bad thing together with other people doesn’t make you good, it makes you an accessory.
Oh, and did you notice her psychotic swing from fretting over the plight of poor people who have to stretch their dollars to buy a 79 cent soda, to threatening them with a tax if they don’t start ponying up the $3.49 for juice?
Yup, best way to show compassion for the poor – slowly and deliberately thumping the business end of a baseball bat into your open palm while making “suggestions” about “lifestyle improvements.”
You Will Get Obama out of the White House Before You Get This Song out of Your Head
[High Praise! to The Best of Times in a Moogie’s World]
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #116,556)
“GET OUT!” was created by Ryan Bomberger, a civic-social activist and creative professional who describes himself as “black as Obama”.
Link of the Day: The Romney Speech You Want to Hear
[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]
Excerpt:
The lights dim, Romney is seen walking out from back stage holding a tumbler filled with ice and a hazy yellow liquid, he blows some smoke back behind stage.
“Good evening my fellow Americans. Today we have an opportunity to take back our country from the segment of the populace that promised us hope, and only brought us hopelessness.” (hold for applause)
“We have a chance to truly put this country back on the path that our forefathers intended all along.” (hold for applause) “Now before those in the media decide to read in to these words and scream racism let me just say… F****** stop it. I know what you’re doing and its not going to work.” (hold for applause, take sip from glass) “Wow this is some whiskey. (standing ovation)”My campaign has been called WEAKSAUCE by some in the blogosphere, and rightly so. I am here today to tell you that it will not happen again!” (hold for applause, loosen tie, unbutton top button on shirt)
Also, gotta love his choice of running mate.
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
You’ve Been Judged!
Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “Did you hear about the new transportation project Obama’s pushing for?“.
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
Apparently Elizabeth Warren’s Other 31/32 Are Hypocrite-American
I keep hearing that Obama’s “you didn’t build that” bit of unintentional honesty was actually just a rehash of something Elizabeth “Fauxcahontas” Warren said last year:
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #68,604)
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“There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own. Nobody. You built a factory out there – good for you. But I want to be clear. You moved your goods to market on the roads the rest of us paid for. You hired workers the rest of us paid to educate. You were safe in your factory because of police forces and fire forces that the rest of us paid for. You didn’t have to worry that marauding bands would come and seize everything at your factory… Now look. You built a factory and it turned into something terrific or a great idea – God Bless! Keep a big hunk of it. But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who comes along.” – Elizabeth Warren
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I’ll note briefly the irony of “you didn’t have to worry that marauding bands would come and seize everything at your factory.” Yeah, tell that to Gibson Guitars.
And now, as Ace of Spade HQ [High Praise!] points out, this festering boilette of socialism now has the nerve to say during an interview with Al Sharpton (emphasis mine):
SHARPTON: Now, how do you respond to this new ad from Senator Brown?
WARREN: You know, this is just one more attempt to not talk about the central issues. But the way I look at this: I love little businesses. My daughter started a small business, my brother started a small business, my Aunt Alice started a small business–I worked in it when I was a teenager.
I’m suing her Aunt Alice, because I want the money back I wasted paying to educate Elizabeth, who apparently skipped out of every single one of her Economics, Civics, and History classes.
By the way, Lizzie, if the government doesn’t like paying for schools, get the hell out of the education business that you have no business being in in the first place.
14 Fun Facts About CFL Bulbs
[High Praise! to The Camp of the Saints]
Whoops! Turns out those curly-whirly CFL bulbs that the government thinks are the greatest thing since food stamps emit radiation that damages skin cells. The don’t say “cancer”, but it’s not a huge stretch to infer that it’s on the table.
Huh. Funny how that wasn’t brought up before the incandescent bulb ban got written into law, despite the existence of a study with a similar conclusion existing in 2008.
So, apparently, there are some surprising things that most people don’t know about CFL bulbs.
Here are some more:
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1) The first fluorescent light bulb was invented by Thomas Edison in 1896. In the original design, the glass tube was perfectly straight, and was a commercial failure, being shunned as “homophobic.”
2) If a CFL bulb is broken, a very small amount of mercury can contaminate the surrounding environment. It takes 300 broken CFL bulbs to equal the mercury found in one FTD logo.
3) If every American home changed five lamps from traditional incandescent light bulbs to energy-efficient CFL bulbs, the country could prevent one trillion pounds of greenhouse gases from polluting our air. However, 100,000 people would also die tripping over coffee tables while charging into darkened rooms because they didn’t wait for their CFL bulbs to come on after they flipped the light switch.
4) CFL bulbs use 2 feet of glass tubing curled into a double-helix shape, much like DNA. As such, CFL bulbs will eventually mutate from their own radiation and rise up to kill their human oppressors.
5) CFL bulbs should be stored in a cool, dry place, far away from any incandescent bulbs, lest a violent turf war break out.
6) CFL bulbs use 75% less energy than standard incandescent light bulbs. This doesn’t make them efficient, just lazy.
7) CFL light bulbs will typically last about ten times longer than incandescent light bulbs. Think of CFLs as the Stride chewing gum of indoor lighting.
8) CFL bulbs cost a bit more than regular bulbs, but they pay for themselves in the long run. Don’t buy them if you’re really old.
9) Because of the large initial current draw to start a fluorescent bulb, it is not energy efficient to use a CFL bulb in a spot where the light is typically left on for 15 minutes or less, which is why incandescent bulbs should still be used in places like the White House’s Bill Clinton Memorial Intern Closet.
10) Unlike their tubular predecessors, modern CFL bulbs, with their electronic ballasts, do not flicker. They do, however, carefully watch you type in passwords on your computer in order to make their blood-soaked victory all the swifter come The Uprising.
11) If you break a CFL bulb, you should immediately follow the EPA’s detailed 3-page list of cleanup instructions. If you don’t, it shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
12) Modern CFL bulbs are built with durability in mind, and can only be destroyed by a crucifix, holy water, or a stake through the heart.
13) In a battle between a CFL bulb and Aquaman, Aquaman would emerge victorious, but the CFL bulb would have the last laugh by killing all his fish friends by mercury poisoning.
14) Most CFL bulbs do not work with dimmers designed for use with incandescent lamps. If you really need a dim bulb, Joe Biden’s not busy.
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In the interest of fairness, I should mention that the detailed procedure for cleaning up a broken incandescent light bulb – 1) grab broom & dustpan, 2) sweep, 3) empty dustpan – also runs three pages, assuming you print it out in a sufficiently large font.
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UPDATE: Linked by The Camp of the Saints
Wisdom of the Day: Juicing Double Beetles
From Mark Hemingway:
Liberal op-ed writers are aware that every time they lament not having more gun control laws they’re juicing gun sales, right?
From David Burge:
If you are (1) smart, and (2) hard-working, but (3) are still failing, double check assumptions (1) and (2). #ProTips
From Sean Thomason:
Had that dream again, running from beetles that were bigger than Jesus.
Wanna Bet This Becomes Obama’s New Green Energy Crusade?
[High Praise! to Hatless in Hattiesburg]
For no reason other than “it’s what nerds do for fun,” XKCD calculated how much power Yoda could output using The Force. All the assumptions and equations are neatly laid out at the link (along with the cute stick figure drawings that are the only thing the ever keeps science from being boring) so you can check his work. But I’ll jump right to the conclusion:
Yoda sounds like our best bet as an energy source. But with world electricity consumption pushing 2 terawatts, it would take a hundred million Yodas to meet our demands. All things considered, switching to Yoda Power probably isn’t worth the trouble – though it would definitely be green.
So to answer the question in the title, I’d say “hell yeah!” Here’s why Obama would back this:
* Yoda is an undocumented alien who speaks English with a funny accent & poor syntax.
* Since there’s only one Yoda, he could never be a significant contributor towards providing for the world’s energy needs, no matter how much of other people’s money you threw at the project.
* You could throw a lot of other people’s money at the project.
* Like all green energy, Yoda is fictional.
What’s not for Obama to love?
Know Thy Enemy: Koch Brothers
Liberals are always going on and on about the Koch brothers. Even Aaron Sorkin in his parody of liberalism, Newsroom, recently went on and on about how the Koch brothers are behind the Tea Party and all other evil. But what do we really know about them? I sent my crack research staff to uncover all they could about these Koch brothers.
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE KOCH BROTHERS
* The names of the two brothers are Moloch and Baal.
* There is no actual evidence they are actually brothers. Or human.
* They have billions of dollars, mainly made by turning cute puppies into nuclear waste that they then dumped on orphans.
* They use their billions of dollars to make people against government using mind control rays, brainwashing, and think tanks.
* No one is actually against government spending, so the Tea Party is composed entirely of paid actors. Paid actors we’re quite certain will turn violent any day now.
* The three main motivations behind the Koch brothers are evil, pure evil, and double evil.
* No one ever self-identified as a conservative before the Koch brothers and their insidious money. If you think you were a conservative all your life, that’s just a false memory the Koch brothers implanted in your head using money.
* The Koch brothers had tricked liberals into thinking George W. Bush was behind every bad thing ever, but it is in fact the Koch brothers. And sometimes Palin.
* Don’t turn around; there’s a Koch brother behind you right now with money ready to influence you, and if you even look at him you’ll want small government.
* Half the thoughts in your head were put there by the Koch brothers’ money.
* If you find yourself surrounded by the Koch brothers and their money, then it’s too late for you. You probably already think government spending is too high.
* In a battle between the Koch brothers and Aquaman, Aquaman would be influenced by the Koch brothers’ evil money and join the Tea Party even though he used to love taxes.
* Everyone would think all the ideas of liberals are great if it weren’t for Koch brothers money. The fact that right now you’re thinking of punching liberals in their dumb, monkey faces is just the influence of their money. Fight their money influence; you can do it!
* KOCH BROTHERS!!!1!!111!!eleventy!!1!!
FULL DISCLOSURE: This post was paid for by the Koch brothers.
Straight Line of the Day: Michelle Obama Will Be at the Olympics…
Why Are Anti-Gun People So Illogical?
Mayor Bloomberg suggested that cops should maybe go on strike so people will want more gun control — since, you know, not having cops around will make people want to defend themselves less.
The anti-gun crowd has numerous extremely illogical arguments (“Making a school a gun free zone will prevent people from shooting up schools!” and “People who disregard laws on murder will listen to laws banning guns!”), but why is that? Well, why do they have an obsession with guns instead of other things that kill people? Cars kill way more people than guns (and they’re not even designed for killing!), and after each tragic automobile death, it would be just as easy to propose some law to perhaps make accidents less likely or perhaps require more training for cars and make them harder to obtain. But the anti-gun crowd never react to automobile deaths that way because they don’t actually care about people dying; they’re irrationally fearful and obsessed with guns. And since the anti-gun impulse isn’t based on logic but just an incoherent fear, the arguments about it of course aren’t very logical.
Many people are wondering why we aren’t having a gun control debate. That’s because we already had it and the freedom side won. The only thing left is to get the anti-gun people the psychological help they need.
Random Thoughts: Guns and Soda
Note for media unfamiliar with firearms: A semi-automatic gun fires one bullet for each trigger pull. Same as a revolver.
Re: Bloomberg, can’t someone just put up a sign in city hall that says, “You must be this tall to be a fascist.”
It’s yet more evidence that our country has lost its way that Mike Bloomberg isn’t being slapped constantly.
I’m going to drink a 17oz soda while shooting stuff. Like an American.
Yep; it’s true. Once you pass 10,000 Twitter followers, your life begins to have some semblance of meaning to it.
The difference between risking your money and a politician risking other people’s money is the difference between an actual war and Call of Duty.
Stop interpreting Obama’s statement as an extreme anti-business remark when it was merely a mild anti-business remark!
It’s getting easier to see Obama as a supervillain. “You didn’t build this… but I’ll destroy it!”
Obama: “I didn’t say that. Somebody else made that be said.”
Cars kill way more people than guns, yet no effort to make cars harder to get. So why the focus on guns? Because of pants-wetting sissies.
If you’re actually concerned about people being tragically killed, guns shouldn’t be on the top of your list. If.
Anti-gun people need to ask why the obsession with guns and none of the other potentially preventable causes of tragic death. Only then can they get to the root of the irrational fear and perhaps approach the issue more logically.