I noticed #ObamaIsLikeABadBoyfriend is trending on Twitter, so let’s explore this theme:
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1) Always bringing us flowers and candy. The flowers he stole from our garden. They’ve still got bees. We’re allergic. Speaking of allergies – peanuts!… and the candy is Snickers.
2) He doesn’t throw pebbles at our window at night. He sends the EPA over with shotguns and flash-bang grenades.
3) Whispers sweet nothings to us and calls us by the wrong name. Check. Check. Double check.
4) Says he loves us, but he’s always making eyes at our hot Latina cousin.
5) We WANT to trust him, but he never looks us in the eyes when he talks – just keeps looking left, right, left, right…
6) We spend hours slaving over a hot stove, cooking him a fancy romantic dinner. All he says is “needs more poodle.”
7) Look, we knew he wasn’t really religious (“just spiritual, baby”) but would it kill him to once, just ONCE, go to church with us instead of going to the golf course with his buddies?
8) Take us out to see the MLB All-Star game, and we get all set up in a fancy skybox to watch him throw out the first pitch. He shows up in Mom Jeans. MOM JEANS! The worst part, though, were all those “why do you stay with him?” pitying looks from our friends. That, and not having a paper bag to wear home.
9) Tried to make up for the All-Star game fiasco by taking us out to see the White Sox. Drove around for SIX HOURS because he couldn’t find “Cominskey Field“. Yeah, we missed the game.
10) Says he’ll meet us for at a spendy restaurant for dinner at 7 to make up for the Sox game fiasco. Get there… turns out he got there at 6. He ordered a big steak dinner, martini, all that stuff, and then he accused us of running up the tab, and stormed out in a huff.
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And of course the WORST thing – which seems too obvious to even mention, really – is it turns out HE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
Although one look at the way Michelle’s let herself go, and it’s not hard to see why Barry would be on the prowl.
He never stops asking us to give him money.
He is already married…. to MARXISM.
He expects us to support him.
He’s never had a real job.
He never pays the bills.
We work…he plays golf.
Beats up the economy, then blames it for “making” him angry.
He’s always calling us racist.
He’s always giving us unsolicited advice about stuff like health care, investing, and what kind of car to buy. Like he knows anything about any of that stuff.
We’re pretty sure that some of his friends are criminals. Especially Eric.
“All The Presidents’ Girlfriend”
1 – He’s obsessed with sports, but can’t play any.
2 – Even though everyone in the group decides to do one thing, he insists on doing something else, then calls everyone racist if they don’t go along with it.
3 – He criticizes the work that everyone else does, but he’s never held a real job, and now that he has one all he does is play golf and take vacations and can’t figure out why he’s about to get fired.
4 – He orders for everyone else without ever asking or caring what they want.
5 – Everything is “I”, “me”, “my”…
6 – The guy looks like friggin’ Erkel.
7 – The endless lying.
8 – If you ask if you’re special, he replies that everyone is special.
9 – Thinks he’s smarter than everybody else, but rarely knows what he’s talking about.
and
10 – Smokes way too much choom.
Not to sound naive, or like a pervert, or like a naive pervert, but what, exactly, is Biden doing to Obama in the above photo?
Always uses the “ran out of gas” trick on dates, but only during sex.
Best get you in the mood line is “You’re pretty hot for a composite chick.”
or… “Trust me, your children WILL be 1/32 president.”
Your name is Chris Matthews and Obama wants his thrill back.