Looking through the referrer logs, someone randomly landed on one of Frank’s posts from 2003, which – as I interpret it, was a Nostradamus-like prediction of the Obama presidency:
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You might be a Communist if…

…when you were five you asked Santa for a pony, a teddy bear, and a dictatorship of the proletariat.

…a troop of Boy Scouts earned their merit badge for defending democracy by kicking your ass.

…you ever wonder aloud, “I bet we could pay more in taxes.”

…you prefer small, fuel-efficent cars.

…you wish to end the embargo on Cuba for any other reason than that you like Cuban cigars.

…you’re lazy and want to get paid for it.

…you prefer red grapes to green.

…every conversation you’re in moves to the subject of the dissolution of private property.

…your name is Richard Gephardt.

…you sympathized with the villains in 80’s action films.

…as a child you admired the structure of the Smurf society.

…you’re for the metric system.

…you think that religion is the opiate of the people, and, besides, you prefer marijuana.

…you don’t mind being poor and miserable as long as everyone else is equally so.

…you read Animal Farm and admired the sheep’s loyalty.

…the mention of the name “Reagan” causes you pangs of fear.

…you thinks warts are a distinguishing feature.

…you’ve been offended by much of this.

…every time you walk into a room, people shout, “Hey! There’s that dirty Commie!”

…you’re stupid and evil.

…every time you speak, you piss me off. (also a symptom of environmentalism, feminism, socialism, gun control advocacy, being a Democrat, and general stupidity)

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Yeah… tell me that’s NOT about Obama.

Not sure about the Richard Gephart thing, but if it didn’t have at least one confusing, ambiguous item, it wouldn’t be a very good prophecy.

My guess is that it rearranges to “hath pig card error,” which is a reference to when Obama angered a bunch of feminists by making that “lipstick on a pig” remark, which some people interpreted as a slam on Sarah Palin. Thus his error was playing the pig card.

There’s a strangely popular trend in the literary world – the bizarre urge to mix historical fiction with supernatural creatures. For example:

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters

Little Vampire Women

Someday someone will get the urge to do one set during the Obama administration. If you’re that someone, allow me to suggest some titles:
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If you’re strictly commercial, you can always use “Messin’ With Michelle” to sell your beef jerky.

* Eric Holder: Fast and Furious and the Chupacabra

* The Ghost Border of Janet Napolitano

* Barack Obama: Unconditional Negotiations with The Beast

* Kathleen Sebelius: Healthcare Under Dr. Moreau

* Michelle Obama: To Serve Man

* The Picture of Barack Obama

* The Call of Cthulinton

* The Obamanomicon

* Elizabeth Warren: 1/32 Werewolf

* Bride of Panettastein
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Can’t use “Biden, Gaffes, and Godzilla” though. That one’s mine.

[via American Digest, emphasis mine]

You would think that President Obama would be received as something of a hero by NALEO, the National Association of Latino Elected Officials, before whom Obama is giving a speech this afternoon in Orlando. But the Secret Service wasn’t taking any chances. As hundreds of Latino elected officials were enjoying their lunch at Disney’s Contemporary Resort earlier today, it was announced that forks would be collected before Obama took the stage. It was also mentioned that knives, too, were entirely absent from the lunch for “a reason.”

Superman has his kryptonite, apparently Obama has flatware.

What else needs to be cleared out of a room before Obama shows up?

I speculate thusly:
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Hey! You! Get out!

1) Slow, chubby dogs

2) Stray hooker-panties the Secret Service may have dropped.

3) Tamales (only if Michele’s in the room).

4) Very large soda cups (just as dangerous as buckets, stuck-head-wise)

5) Ayn Rand novels

6) Choom (it’s like Barack’s tamale, and we don’t want donors getting trampled)

7) Shin-high coffee tables

8) Lie detectors (unless they’re turned off or set to vibrate, otherwise it’s like having Joe Wilson in the room)

9) All the brown M&Ms

10) Big red buttons that say “DANGER! DO NOT PRESS!”
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President Obama is now claiming he doesn’t have to turn over Fast & Furious-related documents to Congress, citing “executive privilege” – sort of a presidential “get out of jail free” card that lets him do anything he wants.

I guess protecting your porch-snoozing watchdog of an Attorney General from the lengthy jail sentence he so richly deserves is a good reason to use it.

But why stop there?

Here’s some other situations he might be able to escape using Executive Privilege
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“Got any jacks? – EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE!”

1) When accused of providing unaccountable odoriffic elevator flatus

2) Missed a 2-inch putt (previously known as a “Mulligan”)

3) Michelle’s tofu stew? Pfft! Off to Ray’s HellBurger for the Triple Bacon Executive Privilege special.

4) Reporter asks anything besides “After inheriting Bush’s economic mess and turning it into 7 million new jobs, how can you possibly get more awesome?”

5) Can’t figure out how to operate the self-serve touchpad at Wawa’s.

6) Burly Chinese guy with a crooked nose and forearms like hamhocks at the door saying “Mr. Hu requests his money.”

7) Michelle asks “does this dress make me look fat?” and you already shouted “YES!” because you weren’t listening and the Heat just won Game 2.

8) Damn bitter clingers find out you called them bitter clingers.

9) Morning after the bachelor party, and you can’t for the life of you remember where in Vegas you left the groom.

10) Unemployment still not below the 8% you promised your stimulus would never let it rise above.
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Oh, and 57 states, Cominskey Field, Intercontinental Railroad, digging your way out this hole, like the Special Olympics, and corspe-men.

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UPDATE: Linked by YouViewed

UPDATE: Linked by Liberal Whoppers

As Frank noted earlier today:

It’s kind of exciting to think of what crazy, desperate things Obama will do as we get closer to November.

Being a certified Moon-Nukin’ excitement-junkie, I can agree with Frank about the high thrill quotient on this activity:

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Starts wearing suglasses indoors, angrily insists “My name… is… Neo!”

1) Televised addresses to the nation will feature an effeminate bandleader sidekick and a pause for a hilarious Top 10 List.

2) A $3 donation not only gets you a chance to have dinner with the President, you also get a free “Joe Biden’s Hilarious Uncensored Bloopers” DVD.

3) At the Daytona Coke Zero 400, NASCAR fans will be aghast as Obama’s #2012 car bursts into flame at the starting line, as Chevy Volts are wont to do.

4) During Rose Garden appearance, performs a series of MindFreaking illusions with Criss Angel. Ends up hospitalized after the “Cutting the Deficit in Half” trick goes tragically awry.

5) Briefly manages to keep up with the Kardashians, but eventually runs out of antibiotics.

6) Learns to play bongos, occupies White House.

7) Announces that Seal Team Six has tracked down, shot, and dumped into the sea the REAL killer of Nicole Brown Simpson.

8) After Obama misses a morning security briefing, an extended search of the West Wing turns up only a worn-down rock-hammer and a poster of Raquel Welch.

9) Blames Bush for authorizing “unilateral” invasion of Canada, issues formal apology, and announces the immediate withdrawal of all Wallendas.

10) Accompanied by his two robot pals, Obama begins sitting in the front row during every Romney appearance and riffing his way through Mitt’s speeches.
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Two predictions for the Democrat Convention: Obama will sing Al Green again, and Christina Aguilera will be the first to turn her chair around.

Proving that the stuffed-shirt, white-bread, too-Mormon, Republican candidate is at least physically capable of loosening his double-Windsor knot on occasion, his campaign started a Twitter account with the amusing premise of being tweets from his campaign tour bus.

Were I in charge of this account, here’s the direction I’d be inclined to go (Mitt, feel free to steal these):
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“Side design actually depicts chart of declining budget deficits in Romney’s first term. Suck it, President Hockey Stick Graph!”

1) Just contacted by Obama campaign with request to rent body storage space underneath me.

2) What’s shaped like a bus, wasn’t made in Canada, doesn’t look like Darth Vader’s helmet, and has a horn? HONK! HONK! – THIS GUY!

3) Say, what happened to all those “American Reinvestment & Recovery Act” road signs? My guess: unemployed hobos are using them as frying pans

4) No, Mitt hasn’t tied a dog on top of me. Hasn’t tried to grill one on my engine block either. Not all buses can say that last one.

5) Unlike some presidential candidate buses, I can produce my long-form vehicle registration certificate.

6) I hear Obama’s tour bus once used a VIN from Connecticut.

7) If Mitt wins, he promises I’ll get my own elevator.

8) Fueled by the tears of weeping liberals, which is technically a renewable green energy source.

9) Ewww! What’s the best way to clean hippies out of your tire treads?

10) Kelly in Omaha tweets, “what’s your favorite TV show?” – Answer: “The Big Bang Theory”: Bus-zinga!

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So… what do you think Romney’s bus should tweet?

During the typical softball slugfest that the media oft attempts to pass off an interview these days, tuckus-snuffling reporter Tom Wills of WJXT in Jacksonville lobbed this one at Obama:

“Mr. President, we’ve heard you sing, we’ve seen you do stand up at the correspondents dinner.” Tom Wills of WJXT in Jacksonville, Fla. stated.

“I was just wondering if you would give any thought to being on ‘American Idol’ or ‘America’s Got Talent’?” he asked. “You’d be a big hit Mr. President.”

Well, if we’re going that direction, here are some shows that Mr. President might be better suited for:
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Take Me Out – of the White House and send me back to Chicago and a life of well-deserved obscurity

1) Pretty Little Liars

2) The Biggest Loser

3) Royal Pains

4) Criminal Minds

5) Nightmare Next Door

6) Shark Men

7) Disaster Date

8) What Not to Wear (ok, that’s for Michelle)

9) Basketball Wives (ditto)

10) Shameless

11) House of Lies

12) American Gangster

13) American Greed: Scams, Scoundrels and Scandals

14) Fact or Faked

15) Dumbest Stuff on Wheels

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Let me know if I missed any.

[High Praise! to ComradeChairmanObama]

Not to steal Basil’s thunder, but I thought CCO had a pretty good list going in the comments, and I wouldn’t want you Nukers to miss out on it:
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* When a Democrat says “fair share”, he means “we’re going to rob the rich blind and give it to our favorite charity – us!”.

* When a Democrat says “The Rich”, he means “All those people who are doing so much better than we are financially and are insanely jealous of so we’ll make them pay their fair share!”.

* When a Democrat says “racist!”, he means “I’ll teach you to disagree with me!”.

* When Democrats say “Bi-partisan”, they mean “Our way or the highway”.

* When a Democrat says “that’s offensive” (i.e., Obama regarding leak allegations), he means “I’ll teach you to point out my: 1) stupidity; 2) separation from reality; 3) over-all suckage; 4) illegal activity.

* When a Democrat says “hate/hate crime”, he means “how dare you point out our complete and utter moral terpitude!”.

* When a Democrat says “I’m sorry”, he means “I’m so very, very, truly and sincerely sorry I got caught, and I’m only apologizing because there’s absolutely no possible way to spin this”.

* When a Democrat says “It’s Bush’s fault!”, he means “It’s Bush’s fault” [a Democrat saying what he means – a true rarity].

* When a Democrat says “tolerance”, he means “tolerance for any behavior except anything remotely Judeo-Christian in nature”.

* When a Democrat says “Patriotic”, he means…..uh……ummm…..hmm. Now THAT’S a real melon-scratcher.
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So Romney is now beating Obama in fundraising. How? Well, I know some of his current fundraising methods.

MITT ROMNEY FUNDRAISING METHODS

* There’s a contest to win $1,000,000 by mussing up Romney’s hair, but it’s a $100 a try and so far no one has succeeded.

* He raises extra money transporting people’s pets.

* He’s a surprisingly stealthy pickpocket.

* If people pay big money to go to one of his dinners, he guarantees that Sarah Jessica Parker, Anna Wintour, and Michelle Obama will not be there.

* He keeps asking Joe Biden to give him two tens for a five.

* He offers a barber service. Sometimes he does it without asking, but still charges.

* Newt Gingrich pays him a thousand dollars a day to be his friend.

* He buys up less successful campaigns and then fires the staff and sells all their assets.

* He’s vowed to get Obama out of office, and people really like that and want to pay big money for that.

Bush 43 stopped by the White House for the unveiling of his official presidential portrait, with President Obama in attendance.

Our super-secret IMAO microphones were there eavesdropping and picked up a few snippets:
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1) “I heard he’s really only 1/32 cowboy.”

2) “NO BLOOD FOR OIL PAINTING!”

3) “How many jobs did that create or save?”

4) “Huh. Thought it’d have a postage-stamp mustache.”

5) “No, Mr. Gore, you can’t put an asterisk in the corner.”

6) “Looks like the White House garden’s rotten tomatoes won’t go to waste after all.”

7) “Barack, could you please move your hand?”

8) “Maybe George isn’t evil after all. Obama’s not bowing to him.”

9) “The buffet’s not bad, but I really thought there’d be more Colombian hookers here.”

10) “It’s a great portrait. I think when you spread the paint around, it’s good for everybody.”
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Might’ve been something in there about Rumsfeld strangling reporters in the parking lot, but that part was a little garbled. All you can hear is someone shouting “My name is Donald Rumsfeld and I strangled this reporter in the parking lot!”

[High Praise! to Hope n’ Change Cartoons for the pic.]

The West Coast Botoxian is at it again, bragging about how much smarter she is than the numerous federal judges and countless legal scholars who disagree with her:

When asked why she is so confident the Supreme Court will uphold the health care law, Pelosi says, “Because I know the Constitution.”

Were I a Twitterite, I’d suggest the hashtag #NancyKnows and encourage people to pile on.

Not being such, I’ll just speculate thusly regarding the superior contents of her surgically-taut-skinned noggin:
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Nancy knows how to do a killer Dr. Evil impression.

1) Surprisingly, Nancy knows how to find out what’s in the Constitution, even though she didn’t personally pass it first.

2) Nancy knows why the rent is too damn high.

3) Nancy knows if the cat in the box is alive or dead. Suck it, Schrödinger!

4) Nancy knows what’s in the “Pulp Fiction” briefcase. Not quite sure how to get a special tax on it past those obstructionist Republicans, though.

5) Nancy knows why the caged bird sings. Also suspects the song it’s singing is racist, since it sounds suspiciously like “When You’re Holding a Hammer“.

6) Nancy knows that paying people to work creates fewer jobs than paying them to NOT work. May be somewhat unclear on what a “job” is, however.

7) Nancy knows how to turn lead into gold. Step 1: find someone with gold. Step 2: hit them with a lead pipe and steal it.

8) Nancy knows which way you swing – no asking or telling required.

9) Nancy knows how to defy the law of gravity, but, as usual, only government officials are allowed to get away with it.

10) Nancy knows what the Matrix is, although she lacks the ultra-cool sunglasses to prove it.
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Apparently there’s only one thing Nancy doesn’t know.

Her limitations:

[YouTube direct link]

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UPDATE: Linked by YouViewed.

[High Praise! to Seanmahair]

They’re from the government, and they’re here to help you.

The EEOC is investigating Marylou’s, a Massachusetts coffee house chain, for hiring only cute young ladies as waitresses and dressing them up in tight pink halter tops.

Nobody complained, you understand, it’s just that some jack-booted EEOC thug saw one of their commercials featuring the aforementioned attractive waitresses, and decided that being both perky and female on film was a crime that needed snooping into.

So who’s next on the list?

I speculate thusly:
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“I’m making this white guy head of the CFPB instead of this woman of color.”

1) Wal-Mart – Their logo features a yellow smiley face. Where are the red, white, black, and brown smiley faces?

2) Chippendale’s has yet to hire a dancer in a wheelchair.

3) The Mafia routinely file-13’s applications from anyone with blond hair, an unbroken nose, and a last name that doesn’t end with a vowel.

4) Ever notice that reality-TV talent shows only let you be “the cranky judge” if you’ve got a British accent?

5) I dare you to list all the armless professional soccer players. You’d think they’d be scooping them up by the bushel.

6) “The View” hasn’t offered Justin Bieber a job yet, and he’s 10 times the woman Joy Behar is.

7) Peter Dinklage? The Lakers won’t touch him, even though he’s impossible to guard. WHOOP! Right between your legs!

8) Speaking of basketball, LeBron still hasn’t heard back on that jockey gig. Is it because he’s black?

9) Remember when Bill Clinton went 8 years without hiring a single skinny intern? Not a peep from his EEOC.

10) I also heard about a cheese shop once that didn’t actually have any cheese, but I think that was in England, so having a bouzouki player apparently counted toward that hiring quota. Odd folk, the English.
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Of course, at IMAO, we have a strict “No Irish” policy, but that’s not discrimination, that’s just plain common sense.