Wow.

USA Today just ran the world’s puffiest puff piece on Michelle Obama, the excuse being the book “she wrote” a book about the White House garden.

I, for one, can’t wait to get my hands on this epic tome, as it’s sure to be the greatest thing penned by a Democrat since “Pow Wow Chow.”

Wonder what’s in there?

I speculate thusly:
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Meet the Mother of the Children of the Corn!

1) Turns out all the recipes in it were plagiarized from Julia.

2) Barack’s nickname for Michelle’s little field is the “Greyhound Garnish Garden.”

3) Michelle’s garden contains Swiss chard, sea kale, Early Jersey Wakefield cabbage, four kinds of garlic, and a patch of blueberries. It’s also 1/32 Indian Corn. Plus a little choom in the corner.

4) Every child who worked in the Michelle’s garden was rewarded with a free trip to Vail. Just kidding. That’s only Michelle’s kids.

5) At harvest time, the sound of the kids singing “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” can be heard for miles. Those not singing loud enough feel the sting of Michelle’s boob-belt.

6) To keep pesky critters away from the veggies, an audio system plays an endless loop of Joe Biden’s speeches. BOOM! They’re out cold & snoring in 15 seconds.

7) Michelle Obama’s 22 paid staff members work hard to make the garden a success. Do you know how tough it is finding places that sell $6000 gardening gloves and gold-plated shovels?

8) The harvested vegetables are carried into the White House kitchen using baskets hand-woven by re-trained former Solyndra employees. Stimulus creates or saves again!

9) To keep the Secret Service agents from nodding off while listening to old Biden speeches, alertness is encouraged by dressing the scarecrows as Colombian hookers.

10) MSNBC’s Chris Hayes is quoted as saying that he would be completely comfortable calling any large sandwich made with a long, crusty roll split lengthwise and containing White-House-grown vegetables a “hero.”
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There’s also probably something in there about an extra tax on the 1% of the vegetables the grew the largest, since at a certain point, you’ve absorbed enough of the soil’s nutrients.

Yes, it’s odd that a White House that’s up to 300,000,000 people’s eyeballs in debt feels qualified to hand out sound financial advice to young folks, but it’s not half as odd as the advice itself. I couldn’t believe what I was reading!

Unfortunately, I forgot to get a screenshot as proof in case these get taken down later (the White House is sneaksy & tricksy like that), but I guarantee(*) all these were on the site this morning.

(* not a guarantee):
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If you’re a composite person named Julia, the government will spend money for you, so ignore all this advice.

1) You need money to buy things. Or someone else’s money. Permission optional. Which is called a “tax.”

2) You earn money by working. Or you can become “entitled” to it by not working. Either way is fine.

3) You may have to wait before you can buy something you want. If you can’t wait, beat up a nerd and take his lunch money.

4) There’s a difference between things you want and things you need. This difference is unimportant if you’re using nerd lunch money.

5) You need to make choices about how to spend your money. When making choices, consider things like “how much does this cost after sales tax?”, “will this fit under my coat?”, and “is anybody watching me?”. Remember to check the ceiling for cameras and the corners for convex mirrors.

6) It’s good to shop around and compare prices before you buy. If you find a lower price, peel off that sticker and place it on the item you want.

7) It can be costly and dangerous to share information online. To protect yourself, give your money to President Obama’s campaign. Say your name is “Doodad Pro”. List your employer as “Loving” and your occupation as “You.” They won’t check. Total security!

8) Putting your money in a savings account will protect it and pay you interest. Lower than the rate of inflation, and hopefully Occupy protesters won’t set fire to the bank’s records.

9) You should save at least a dime for every dollar you receive. And remember to put away 15 cents on every dollar for taxes, or we’ll put a lien on your skateboard.

10) Entering personal information, like a bank or credit card number, online is risky because someone could steal it. Let the government hold onto your personal information where it’ll be nice & safe until Wikileaks hacks the servers.

11) The sooner you save, the faster your money can grow from compound interest. Don’t worry about how that works if you’re just a dumb ol’ girl. Math is hard.

12) A credit card is like a loan; if you don’t pay your bill in full every month, you’ll be charged interest and owe more than you originally spent. Kinda like when Vito & Knuckles broke your daddy’s kneecaps for not making the vig.

13) When comparing colleges, be sure to consider what each school would cost you. Do NOT give any thought as to the odds of your chosen major being a ticket to gainful employment. That Anthropology degree will net you an easy $7.25 an hour at ANY McDonalds, where you can drop Margaret Mead quotes to your heart’s content.

14) You should avoid using credit cards to buy things you can’t afford to pay for with cash. Just use the numbers on the front of the card, instead. Preferably the front of someone else’s card.

15) Your first paycheck may seem smaller than expected since money is taken out for taxes. To avoid future disappointment, try Googling “under the table.”

16) A great place to save and invest money you earn is in a Roth IRA. That’s where you pay the taxes up front, your earnings grow tax-free, and the money you withdraw after retirement is also tax-free. Unless a future Democrat-controlled Congress decides otherwise. Which they would never do. Trust us. Really.

17) You should use a credit card only if you can pay off the money owed in full each month. Or if Old Navy’s having a really big sale, because that way you can pay off your credit card with all the money you’ll save! [This tip sponsored by Old Navy. Old Navy – The creepiest commercials since Fruity Oaty Bars]

18) You need health insurance. HA! Just kidding! You’re young and healthy and your biggest medical expenses will be condoms and aspirin until you’re at least 30.

19) It’s important to save at least three months’ worth of living expenses in case of an emergency. Plus a shotgun for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. And for God’s sake – CARDIO and DOUBLE TAP, people!

20) Always consider two factors before investing: the risks and the annual expenses. Don’t worry about Projected ROI Solution Matrices, girlie. Math is still hard.
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I guess the REAL question here is – if the government thinks this information is vital to teaching children how to handle money, why isn’t it being taught in the government-run, attendance-mandatory school system?

“I’m 1/32 Cherokee!”

“Harvard’s First Woman of Color”

Plagiarized recipes!

Really, how much worse can it get for this woman?

Ok, since you asked, how about…
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Sold crab with tomato mayonnaise dressing to Native Americans that was infected with smallpox.

1) Once described President Obama as “the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” Settled with Joe Biden out-of-court on a plagiarism suit.

2) Banned dancing in the town of Bomont. When a spunky rebel who played by his own rules moved to town and incited the local teenagers to dance in violation of the law, she had the sheriff arrest everyone within six degrees of Kevin Bacon.

3) In 2004, was jailed for insider-trading cattle futures with Hillary Clinton. Served five months as Martha Stewart’s prison-bitch.

4) Committed a burglary at the Watergate Hotel. Later tracked down because she inadvertently left behind autographed copies of “Pow Wow Chow.”

5) Uh oh… guess who Ted Kennedy’s Driver’s Ed teacher was?

6) Candid snapshots of Elizabeth drunkenly dancing around naked with a bomb on her head revealed to be the inspiration for the infamous riot-causing Mohammed cartoon.

7) Wrote the letter that finally convinced the executives at Fox to cancel Firefly.

8) “Hey Barack… want me to punch up those presidential bios for you?”

9) Shot J.R.

10) Loaded 16 tons. What did she get? Another day older and deeper in debt. Then a bailout from Obama.
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Just the tip of the iceberg. Speaking of which, turns out she’s also 1/32 Titanic Captain.

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UPDATE: Linked by The Hope for America

Wow. The hits just keep on coming.

He ate a dog, he slept with composite women (who totally existed!), he loved driving drunk, and he used to bully kids by punching them in the face.

Too bad all John McCain did was serve his country and spend 5 years being tortured in Vietnamese prison camps. He might’ve amounted to something.

I thought about reading DFMF myself to see what other oddball tidbits are in there, but I’m right in the middle of “The Count of Monte Cristo” right now (“You’ll like it. It’s about a prison break.”), so I’m just gonna have to take a few guesses at what other surprises await the discerning reader :
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That bus he keeps throwing his friends under? Made in Canada

1) Fell in love with a singer at a night club. Turned out *spoiler alert* she was a dude.

2) Worked for a secret government agency whose goal was to keep people from finding out that aliens live among us. He was Agent K’s original partner, Agent O, although his name was changed to protect his identity in that documentary by Will Smith.

3) While living in Hawaii, invented the grass skirt. Still wears them behind the podium at press conferences.

4) During his introduction of Professor Derrick Bell at a Harvard protest in 1991, mistakenly described him as “the founder of America’s Mexican fast-food industry.”

5) In a crazy bar bet with a young man identified only as “Johnny”, lost a golden fiddle.

6) Only smoked marijuana once, experimentally. Then 7000 more times to confirm his data. Scientific method rules!

7) His roommate in college was a Chinese guy that Obama constantly borrowed money from, but never repaid.

8) Amazed his friends by appearing to die while fighting a Balrog, only to appear months later wearing a white robe and requesting that he should be addressed with a peculiar nickname that seemed to deny his African-American heritage.

9) Never actually told his literary agent that he was born in Kenya. Over a bad connection, he’d told his secretary that he was a “born Keynesian”. From there, chalk it up to poor penmanship.

10) As a poverty-stricken student at Occidental College in L.A., his lack of means forced him to do his own automotive maintenance, including changing his own oil. Which he would dump on the beach and blame BP for.

11) Shot a man in Reno just to watch the shortcomings of the failed American healthcare system let him die.
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Anyway, go ahead & read Dreams From My Father yourself. Bet you a gold fiddle my list isn’t nearly as weird as what’s actually in there.

[High Praise! to T-dog for the link]

In Youngstown, Ohio, Biden went off on a bumbling, stuttering rant against Republicans that ended with “They don’t get us! They don’t get who we are!”

Look, we KNOW we were supposed to do our homework on this and become a frothing, bubbling font of knowlege on the topic o’ Democrats, but it just didn’t happen. Some things came up, like:
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Ran out of Red Bull while reading up on your bull.

1) Notes. Good intentions. Hungry dog. Oops.

2) Wikipedia’s down.

3) Every time we look them up on the White House website, their bios change.

4) “The Avengers” isn’t going to watch itself for the 35th time.

5) Democrats aren’t a character class in Diablo III, so we really don’t care.

6) Remember that scene in Matrix Reloaded where Neo had to beat up 100 Agent Smiths on a playground? Yeah, it was just like that, except it was a bag of Doritos and we were on a couch. Don’t tell Michelle, OK?

7) We took a vow of ignorance until a Democrat budget gets a single Senate vote. We suspect the Democrats did likewise.

8) Wait… if you mean the Democrats who filibustered the Civil Rights Act, we actually know all about them.

9) Did you send us something on it? Must’ve gotten caught in the spam filter. We’ll just take a look, and – DAMMIT! Hit delete by mistake. Stupid Gmail!

10) We ran out of gas. We had a flat tire. We didn’t have enough money for cab fare. Our tuxes didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole our cars. Our Chevy Volts ran out of power and then burst into flames. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts! IT WASN’T OUR FAULT, WE SWEAR TO GOD!
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Say, Joe, ya suppose your boss would be willing to just give us an “incomplete” on this assignment?

[High Praise! to Critter for the suggestion]

I don’t have psychic powers, but I do have enough brain juice to notice the odd way various unimportant topics keep popping up in the media’s chit-chat about the President – none of which are even remotely related to his dismal record on the economy.

It’s like there’s this… list… somewhere of oo!-look-at-the-shiny-penny distrac-topics that various spokes-tools drag into the news cycle’s echo chamber to keep people from thinking, “Hey! I don’t have a job and my insurance premiums just went up because of Obamacare!”

You know… stuff like “how Romney transported his dog 30 years ago”, “how the government helps ‘Julia'”, and – perhaps cheesiest of all – after 3 years of phumphering, Obama finally admits to having an opinion on gay marriage, and it’s the same one EVERY liberal Democrat has.

What’ll pop out of the spin machine next? Let the wild speculation begin!:
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“Does Obama look like he’s put on a few pounds? Also, has anyone seen Bo?”

1) During a speech at a Stark Trek convention, Obama “boldly goes there” by insisting that Janeway was way better than both Kirk AND Picard.

2) Nancy Pelosi suggests that, because of the President’s “gutsy call” to get bin Laden, the American military’s highest award for bravery should be renamed the “Obama Medal of Honor.”

3) Heavy rains cause massive flooding in Mississippi! Could this be a sign of GLOBAL WARMING?

4) A growing trend of people seeing the Obama symbol in everyday objects, like soccer balls, beer foam, and small moons – obviously because of their strong, unconscious yearning for the hope Obama brings, since Romney’s trademark important-looking hair hasn’t been seen anywhere except his barber’s floor. Speaking of which, did you know Romney pays more than $10 for a haircut? He’s SO out of touch with the average American!

5) Nathan Fillion publicly admits to owning the only surviving DVDs of “Firefly: Season Two”.

6) Drought in Oklahoma! Could this be a sign of GLOBAL WARMING?

7) Unquashable rumor that financially-troubled ratings-Morlock MSNBC will be bought by Newsweek for $1.

8) On the 35th anniversary of his death, Obama makes a gutsy call by openly stating his preference for “young Elvis“.

9) For the first time in history, the entire United States goes a day without setting a high- or low-temperature record – GLOBALWARMINGGLOBALWARMINGGLOBALWARMING!

10) When Jay Carney walks out to the podium for the morning press briefing, ABC’s eagle-eyed Jake Tapper notices that Jay forgot to remove the joint from behind his ear, and harshes everyone’s mellow by asking about it.
______________

Or Obama could just go old-school Wag the Dog and declare war on Albania

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UPDATE: Linked by YouViewed

UPDATE: Linked by RightNation

Words you should never utter on the campaign trail in the middle of a long, ugly recession when unemployment is over 8%, as it has been your entire term, despite your promise that it would never exceed that number if you just gave enough money to people who voted for you:

“It was a house of cards, and it collapsed in the most destructive, worst crisis that we’ve seen since the Great Depression. And sometimes people forget the magnitude of it… Sometimes *I* forget.”

Much like a soap opera star, apparently our President is afflicted with random bouts of amnesia. If you’ve followed his career, you may have noticed other episodes of this dread malady, for example:
______________

“Wait… WHY did I pick Biden for VP again?”

1) He was giving a speech and forgot his line should’ve been “but *I* can never forget.”

2) He forgot he wasn’t supposed to reveal that he was a time traveler from the future and let slip that the US had 7 more states in his home-when.

3) 20 years of sermons, and he could barely remember his pastor’s name, let alone a single word he said. In his defense, though, the only thing I remember from my church-goin’ days is “Jesus”, “hell”, and something about handbaskets.

4) “Birth certificate? Yeah, it’s right… um…”

5) Had to make a composite girlfriend, because he couldn’t remember which girl said what. What man just nods & smiles & doesn’t pay attention when a woman is talking to him?

6) Remember that Warner Brothers cartoon where an elf that looked suspiciously like Elmer Fudd explained how capitalism works? Obama doesn’t.

7) How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Damned if Obama can remember what Mr. Owl told him.

8) Even if Barack remembers his wedding anniversary, he always forgets what size hose clamp Michelle wears.

9) “Dasher… Dancer… Prancer… Nixon… Comet… Cupid… Donna Dixon?”

10) “Cinco de… quatro?”

11) “Let’s see, which hand goes over the heart for the National Anthem? Left? Right?… ah, screw it.”

12) Something he had as a child… between bites of snake, grasshopper, and tiger… it was something really tough… Piano lessons?
______________

November might be a good time to remind Obama how it feels to get shellacked.

You know… in case he’s forgotten.

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UPDATE: Linked by Instapundit (Thanks, Sarah!).

UPDATE: Linked by YouViewed.

UPDATE: Linked by LV Review-Journal

Before his first official campaign rally in Ohio, President Obama predicted an “overflow” crowd at the 20,000-seat venue.

5,000 of those seats went unfilled.

But that’s OK. There are some perfectly legitimate explanations:
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“World’s easiest job: crowd-control at an Obama rally.”

1) They weren’t “empty”, they were “sitting-ready”.

2) No one sitting? Obviously this means that Michelle’s “Let’s Move” initiative is working.

3) Boehner’s from Ohio, so everyone was outside having a smoke in his honor.

4) They were all reserved for Obama’s many composite girlfriends. Who totally exist.

5) Shouldn’t have sold that block of tickets to the American Kennel Club.

6) Still damp from the Bieber concert

7) “20,000 men enter, 15,000 men leave.” Thunderdome™ v0.1 (Beta)

8) Check the closet. Bill Clinton might be “interviewing” interns.

9) Ticket-holder #15,001 – Michael Moore – jammed in the doorway. You’d be surprised how often this happens.

10) Obama’s audience was hand-selected to be representative of the entire American population, so 25% of them were out watching “The Avengers.”

11) This is Obama’s base we’re talking about. Maybe they had trouble catching a cab from the cemetary.

______________

Still, no one’s been able to delve to the bottom of this situation’s TRUE quandry:

Why were 15,000 of those seats full?

The way these dorks keep thinking they can successfully use social media with zero risk of auto-facial detonation reminds me of Pete Puma in the Bugs Bunny cartoon blithely asking to be given “a whole LOTTA lumps!“.

Michelle Obama sayeth upon Twitter: “The First Lady is taking your questions! Reply with yours and she may answer it as part of a video Q&A.”

When will they ever learn?
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“Should I go to NAPA or AutoZone for the best deal on hose clamps in women’s sizes?”

1) The Massachusetts food nannies won’t let my club have a bake sale at school. If we want to raise money by selling $6000 purses, will you buy one?

2) If my school only serves tamales made out of tofu, is it then safe to be between you and them?

3) Can you recommend a dirt-resistant designer sweater to garden in?

4) When shopping at Target, how far ahead of time should I book my AP photographer?

5) Do you agree that Hamlet is better in the original Klingon?

6) Grannies, thong, or commando?

7) Is it true that you’re 1/32 Cherokee?

8) Do you like green eggs and dog? Would you eat them in the fog? On a log or in a bog? Maybe with a side of frog?

9) If I go out on a dinner date in New York, will people make fun of me if I didn’t travel to it in a 747?

10) After serving food at a homeless shelter, how do you get that hobo smell out of a pair of $500 sneakers?
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So… any questions for the First Lady?

Obama used the everywoman figure “Julia” to illustrate how a weak, dependent woman can have the government help her at every stage of her life.

I seem to recall an everyman figure named “Hank” who was once used to illustrate how a strong, independent man can help himself through the stages of his own life, until the government sticks its snout in and wrecks everything.
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“You want to tell me how to run my business? Shrug off, Obama.”

Age 14 – Hank gets his first paying job in an iron ore mine.

Age 24 – Hank is promoted to superintendent.

Age 30 – Hank buys the iron ore mine.

Age 35 – Hank buys a coal mine. He also buys a steel mill and puts his name on both. Now Hank owns all the resources needed to control his destiny in the steel industry. He begins experiments to design an alloy lighter and stronger than steel.

Age 45 – Hank’s 10 years of experimentation finally pan out. He names the resulting metal after himself.

Age 46 – The government passes the Equalization of Opportunity Act. Hank is forced to sell off everything but his steel mill, for which production costs now skyrocket.

Age 47 – Hank is indicted for selling a “more than fair share” shipment of his metal to a customer. He is acquitted at trial. Later that year, Hank orders a shipment of copper from an unreliable supplier who never delivers. His business takes a massive loss. No bailout.

Age 48 – The government passes Directive 10-289, forcing Hank to “voluntarily contribute” the formula and process for making his metal to an “intellectual common”.

Age 49 – Hank’s steel mill closes its doors.
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This list was taken from a work of fiction. Any similarities to past, current, or future acts of government interference are completely coincidental.

[Special thanks to Conservapedia and The Atlas Society]

UPDATE: Linked by Raging Bull

Today is National Honesty Day.

Probably no coincidence that it’s almost exactly on the opposite side of the year as election day.

When posting at IMAO, I confess that I regularly… stretch the truth… on some of my posts (except for Newsish Fakery, of course). So to make up for that, it’s time to serve up a stack of plain-talk pancakes:
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Janet Napolitano = Justin Bieber + 40 years

1) Obama said Jon Stewart has “more credibility than a lot of more conventional news programs do.” So does the last check I bounced.

2) On foreign policy, Joe Biden was correct to observe that “the president has a big stick.” He doesn’t have the stones to break anyone’s bones with it, though.

3) If you send in Seal Team 6, you don’t need to nuke it from orbit to be sure.

4) I don’t believe Obama when he says he ate a dog. He’s about as convincing as those guys in high school who’d tell you “I went out with a cheerleader last night and we TOTALLY did it!”

5) Porky Pig didn’t have a speech impediment, Warner Brothers just bought him a really cheap teleprompter.

6) Chevy Volts don’t “mysteriously” burst into flame, unless you think the Fire Triangle is someplace near Bermuda.

7) Although the “kids getting alcohol poisoning from drinking Purell” story is an internet hoax, drinking Purell would actually be less risky than drinking Obama’s Kool-Aid.

8) People joke that electronic media will never replace print because you can’t line a bird cage with a Kindle. You can, it’s just really expensive. Obama would probably give you a grant for it, though.

9) Rachel Maddow complained that women only make 77 cents for every dollar a man makes. Obama’s well on the way to fixing this, since unemployment pays EVERYONE the same.

10) Toothpicks are man’s best friend. His worst enemy: gum splinters.

11) The real reason Obama quit smoking? He wasn’t cool enough any more. Joe Camel never would’ve wrecked the economy.

12) Obama said that, under Obamacare, if you like your current insurance, you can keep it. Similarly, my auto mechanic offers to let me keep the broken parts he replaces on my car.

13) If you really want to be an overachiever, don’t give 110%. Give pi. That’s like 314%.

14) If Paul Ryan were elected President, not only would he nuke the moon on day one, he’d do it under budget while passing massive tax cuts.
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And I want to mention one more thing, because so many people get it wrong: Chris Matthews did NOT say that Obama gave him a “tingle” up his leg. He said, “I felt this thrill going up my leg.” Which is somehow even creepier.

A new study shows that while President Bush routinely gave his speeches at a 10th grade comprehension level, President Obama has given speeches on at least three college campuses in which he orated at a 6th grade level.

Ya know, I thought I’d noticed some peculiar stuff lately, like:
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2009: “undocumented workers”
2012: “Mexi-friends!”

1) Turning the teleprompter toward the audience so they can see the pictures.

2) Changing the “applause” sign to “clap – the hand kind, not the free-clinic kind”

3) In the new edition of “Dreams From My Father”, that lately-infamous passage now reads, “I make bite-bite on woof-woof.”

4) When was the last time you saw Obama give a speech without a crowd of googly-eyed muppets crowding around him, singing the last line he just spoke?

5) That Earth Day speech where he kept repeating “Brawndo’s got what plants crave. It’s got electrolytes.”

6) Adding another food group to the ChooseMyPlate.Gov icon labeled “Gerber”.

7) Letting Joe Biden speak in public again.

8) Jingling his keys in the air to call press conferences to order.

9) Tickling the TV cameras under the lens while saying “cootchie-coo!”

10) And probably the most egregious example was from just this week: “When a Secret Service agent and a Colombian hooker love each other very much…”

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Michelle’s not much better, swooping a spoonful of peas around, making airplane noises, and telling kids to “open up the hangar.”

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UPDATE: Linked by Internet Scofflaw

Previously on IMAO, I quoted Bill Maher saying “Whatever a liberal says, no matter how sensible.”

Commenter FormerHostage [High Praise!] suggested that was like saying:

“whenever Michael Moore takes pride in his personal appearance and hygiene” or “when Keith Over-man gives a calm, reasoned response” or “when Bill Maher is funny.”

Good point.

So let’s roll with it. Here’s 10 more Liberal Oxymorons:
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“I’m sorry, but the limitations placed on me by the Constitution clearly prohibit me from doing that.”

1) When Barabara Boxer ducks to walk through a doorway.

2) When Robert Reich shaves.

3) When Obama cuts spending.

4) When Joe Biden goes off-teleprompter and no one gasps in awkward horror.

5) When Al Sharpton sympathizes with the white victim of black thugs who beat him while yelling about “justice for Trayvon.”

6) When Hillary Clinton wears a dress.

7) When Eric Holder prosecutes a Black Panther.

8) When Occupy protesters clean up a park.

9) When Michelle Obama decides a vacation would be too big of a burden on taxpayers.

10) When Nancy Pelosi chose to grow old with grace and dignity, shunning elective surgeries and chemical skin-rejuvenation techniques.
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“When a liberal finds ‘Obama ate a dog’ jokes funny” isn’t on the list because that actually happened.

Weird soundbites coming out of this campaign.

Like this oddball statement from the First Lady:

[Michelle] Obama closed by asking the audience three times, “Are you in?”

“Because I am so in,” she said over the applause. “We have an amazing story to tell. This president has brought us out of the dark and into the light.”

Now generally that’s a metaphor for something GOOD happening to you, but given Barack’s unmitigated record of disaster, it can’t possibly be true in this case. So maybe she meant it like:
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‘Yay! The darkness is gone!’

1) The obvious death-metaphor of “walking toward the light.”

2) Train tunnel. Train coming. Obama likes trains.

3) Sunny, breezy, summer day. The roof of your house blows off.

4) Meditating with a single candle. Your curtains catch on fire.

5) Sleeping peacefully at 3am, the EPA exercises a no-knock warrant by throwing a flash-grenade through your window to remind you to use compact fluorescent bulbs.

6) You’re an old-school vampire and your name’s not Blade.

7) “You develop your own film? Cool! Let’s have a look at what’s soaking in the tray!” [click]

8) Out parking with your best girl and Officer McNosy puts 1500 lumens into your eyes.

9) Anyone remember the end of “Stalag 17”?

10) Oh look! Cyclops took his visor off!
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Well, it all worked out OK for Joan of Arc, right?

When you’re campaigning for a President for whom image is everything (because, you know, no accomplishments), it behooves you to think hard about what merchandise you put in front of the public. Especially since most of Obama’s supporters lean toward being… let’s just call it “special”… and having a product that’s ambiguous in its connotations and/or function can result in unfortunate consequences and damaged reputations.

So, as a personal favor to the 4th best President ever – and certainly not as a callous attempt to get my Obamacare waiver approved – I thought I’d gently explain why Mr. O. may not want the following particular items in his campaign store:

1) “The Road We’ve Traveled” DVD

A picture of the President with a huge hole through his chest. Anyone who buys this can probably expect the Secret Service to “drop by for tea.”

2) The “African Americans for Obama” Party Pack

As I’ve previously explained elsewhere, the split-letter font in “African Americans” is stereotypically used to label African jungle safaris, and those cute little lines around the word “for” are a decorative touch commonly used in advertising during the pre-Civil-Rights era. Let’s not turn back the clock, folks.

3) “We’ve Got His/Their Back” Posters

The one on the left is ok, since it’s only about Barack. However, the one on the right drags Michelle into the conversation. Now, as the great philosopher Sir Mix-a-Lot so eloquently explained, “back” is a slang term for “butt”, and Michelle’s butt is STRICTLY off-limits as a topic of conversation.

4) “Women Across America” Screen Print

This one’s fine, except that it ends with the word “shatter”. That sort of violent imagery does nothing to help promote civil discourse in the political arena. How about “peaceably to disassemble” instead? That’s practically right out of the First Amendment, and no one ever argues about that.

5) “Still a BFD” T-Shirt

Very, VERY offensive to members of the Boston Fire Department. Don’t risk the public sector union vote like that. Also, having a white guy wear it does not reflect the Obama campaign’s dedication to diversity.

6) “Obama 2012” Women’s Tee

Logo location clearly encourages the sexist objectification of women. Also, diversity issue (see #5).

7) “I Like Obamacare” Pack

You would think this was fairly innocuous, but singling out one law that Obama’s passed as worth “liking” logically implies that you DIDN’T like everything else he passed. Do you really want your friends thinking you oppose the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”? Or that you want Big Oil to build two halves of a pipeline? Wear this to an Occupy rally at your own risk.

8) Obama Baby Bib

“Babies for Obama?” No, sorry, that’s just too close to the tragically disrespectful Official Seal of the Democratic Party logo. Also, as Fred Thompson said on Twitter: “Obama campaign selling ‘Obama Baby Bibs’. Appropriate, since he’s always trying to shove stuff down our throats that we won’t swallow.” This sort of mockery should not be encouraged.

9) Obama Dog Tee

Oh no, no, no. We shall NOT oppress our equally-righted animal brethren and sistren by enslaving them to the tyranny of clothing. Also not good to feature a Chihuahua, an animal of White-Hispanic descent.

10) Obama-Biden 100 Sticker Pack

Comes on a roll, could easily be mistaken for toilet paper. Slick on one side, sticky on the other, 100% non-absorbent. I’m sure I don’t have to go into graphic detail as to why this is a bad idea.

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Really guys, you’d be better off just sticking with the “Winning the Future” motto on your merch.

At least the acronym “WTF” is safe, since it has only one possible interpretation.