According to Vice President Joe Biden:

“I’ve watched him make decisions that would make another man or woman’s hair curl… I think I can say… no president, and I would argue in the 20th century and including now the 21st century, has had as many serious problems which are cases of first-instance laid on his table”

Interesting proposition, since Obama does, in fact, have curly hair.

Still, the man HAS faced his share of toughies, like:
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Over or under?

1) Whether to spell his dog’s name “Bo” or “Bho”.

2) Whether to dodge left or right if accidentally finding himself between Michelle and a tamale.

3) When embracing “Obamacare”, whether or not to capitalize the “c”.

4) When informed that Seal Team 6 was ready to move on Bin Laden, whether to use a 9-iron or a pitching wedge.

5) Whether to support the northern or southern half of the Keystone Pipeline.

6) When giving important nationwide addresses, whether to start with the right or left teleprompter.

7) During negotiations with Iran, is it better to give in or just capitulate?

8) To create green jobs, should you invest in a solar company that’s near bankruptcy, or invest in a company making electric cars that’s already gone under?

9) Which glass should you put the iocane powder in if your opponent is NOT a Sicilian? (This comes up frequently at cabinet meetings).

10) Whether to sneak guns down to Mexican drug lords, or just ignore border security so they can get them themselves.

11) When spending tons of tax dollars on shovel-ready jobs, whether to use short tons, long tons, or metric tons.

12) Is today the day to tell Axelrod to just give up on the combover already?

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Still haunting him: how to fill those empty hours after January 20th, 2013.

UPDATED 4-3-12: Linked at Doug Ross

Uber-commie Hanoi Jane playing the wife of the closest thing this country’s had to a decent President since Andrew Jackson paid off the national debt?

Interesting.

Can’t wait to see what other brilliant casting choices come out of Hollywood:
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Megan Fox as Hillary Clinton?

* Clint Eastwood as Mahatma Gandhi

* Peter Dinklage as The Incredible Hulk

* Jack Black as Fabio

* Mel Gibson as Golda Meir

* Barack Obama as Andrew Jackson

* Governor Mitt Romney as Candidate Mitt Romney

* Michael Moore as Clint Eastwood

* Arnold Schwarzenegger as King George VI

* Penn Jillette as Teller

* Richard Dawkins as Pope Benedict XVI

* Bullwinkle as Rocky

* Vin Diesel as Don Knotts
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I was going to mention George W. Bush as Hitler, but I’m pretty sure that’s already been done to death.

[High Praise! to zzyzx for the story link]

Famous last words:

“‘You want to call it Obamacare – that’s okay, because I do care,’ Obama said.”

“‘I’m convinced at the end of the decade, the Republicans are going to regret turning this [into] ‘Obamacare,'” Plouffe said.'”

“The White House urged supporters of the law to tweet why they backed it with the hashtag ‘#ilikeobamacare.'”

Ya know, if I were the mischievous type who took some sort of twisted delight in mocking the gravely serious social commentary of my liberal betters, I might be tempted to post a few things on Twitter, like:
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#ilikeobamacare because it offends Muslim extremists

* Because it answers the question “can Nancy Pelosi make a gavel so big that she herself can’t lift it?” (the answer is no) #ilikeobamacare

* 4 years of high school, 4 years of college, 4 years of parents’ basement #ilikeobamacare

* The wait at my doctor’s office will finally be long enough for me to finish reading Atlas Shrugged #ilikeobamacare

* #ilikeobamacare – but I’m not IN like with it

* Because it creates good, high-paying, American jobs, like “death-panelist” #ilikeobamacare

* #ilikeobamacare because nobody will know what’s in it until it gets fully implemented. It’s like the Schrödinger’s Cat of legislation #ilikeScience!

* A super-secure government database with everyone’s private medical information? Challenge accepted #ilikeobamacare

* Combining the efficiency of the Post Office and the customer service of the DMV, it’ll be like the perfect Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of government programs #ilikeobamacare

* If you have a pre-existing condition of being the First Lady, your weekend ski-trips to Vail will now be covered #ilikeobamacare

* There may still be a co-pay for your family’s Spring Break trips to Oaxaca, but that can be waived if you have the story pulled from the news wires #ilikeobamacare

* I own a small business that rents lab-coats for Presidential photo-ops. Ka-CHING! #ilikeobamacare

* #ilikeobamacare @benandjerrys – New ice cream flavor – #ilickobamacare

* @DickCheney – free heart transplant! BOO-YAH! It’s lawyer-face season again! #ilikeobamacare

* Saves you that long hike up the cliff to push wheelchair-granny off it #ilikeobamacare

* @ElenaKagan – resume enhancer! Um… that I swear I didn’t actually work on #ilikeobamacare

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By the way, Obama, I’m suing you for plagiarizing my iPad app #iLikeobamacare

Queen Botoxia had this to say on the 2nd anniversary of Obamacare:

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) said Wednesday evening that the 2010 healthcare law, which prompted complaints from conservatives that Democrats far exceeded their constitutional authority, actually helps people meet the goal outlined in the Declaration of Independence, which promotes mankind’s rights to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

Speaking on the House floor, Pelosi called on her colleagues to remember “what our founders put forth in our founding documents, which is life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And that is exactly what the Affordable Care Act helps to guarantee.”

Well, Nance, as long as we’re plucking random phrases from the D of I and hotgluing them to Obamacare, here’s a few more choice nuggets from the document you so obviously revere that might be more appropriately attached to this President and his sundry legislations:
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“Life is death! Liberty is oppression! Happiness is misery!”

* whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it

* a long train of abuses and usurpations

* a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism

* repeated injuries and usurpations

* the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States

* refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

* forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance

* utterly neglected to attend

* the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures

* his invasions on the rights of the people

* exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without

* obstructed the Administration of Justice

* sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance

* subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution

* abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments

* works of death, desolation, and tyranny

* Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation

* excited domestic insurrections amongst us

* Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury

* deaf to the voice of justice

* A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
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Huh…

I guess Nancy was right about the Declaration of Independence applying, just not which parts.

I’m sure you saw Michelle Obama’s appearance on David Letterman’s show. After all, it’s mandatory under Obamacare.

However, if you’re now a felon fleeing justice, I’ll recap a few of the highlights so you can squeak by with “reasonable doubt” during your trial:

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* Her embarrasingly effusive praise for Frank J.’s “brilliant scholarly research” on her husband.

Gotta admit, the woman knows how to make an entrance

* The awkward silence after she joked that “America’s not ready for a white First Lady.”

* Her admission that she and Oprah are actually the same person.

* That whole “being carried onto the stage by shirtless Secret Service agents” thing.

* When she snuck out halfway through the interview because of an uncontrollable urge to shop at Target.

* Those clips of her in the Green Room, throttling interns while screaming “where the f@#$ are my tamales?”

* CBS “bleeping” her every time she mentioned Malia’s name.

* Plopping unladylike into the guest chair and accidentally giving everyone a “Paris Hilton” shot.

* Dave’s puzzled look after she told him “I loved your work on The Electric Company.”

* Personally, I think Paul Shaffer was out of line, asking her about “her sister B’Etor” like that.

* So… was Dave making fun of her by climbing on his desk and doing the “Dougie,” or was there just a lot of extra vodka in his coffee cup that night?

* Hollering “where my sluts at?” and tossing free contraceptives into the audience.

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Even though I don’t really like Michelle as either a First Lady or a human being, I have to admit that I was quite impressed by her flawless rendition of Tom Leherer’s “The Elements”.

No surprise, the mainstream media is studiously avoiding substantive discussion of Obama’s buddy-buddiness with radical racist and apocalyptically horrid science fiction author Derrick Bell.

But, like all of you, I watched the video of Obama & Bell at the Harvard protest in 1991.

And, like you, I was really shocked by some of the footage. Here’s what surprised me most:

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* Kanye West interrupting Obama’s introduction of Bell.

* Obama’s courageous recovery after his teleprompter lost power.

* Opening act: the Amazing Lew Zealand and his Boomerang Fish!

* The whole “2 men enter, 1 man leaves” thing.

* When Barack completely spaced on the third federal government agency he’d eliminate as President.

* The cat juggling. I mean, was that REALLY necessary?

* Obama droning on and on about how contraceptives are too expensive.

* Bell’s comments about the size of Michelle’s ass. SOOOOOO racist!

* Driving up in an electric car was an interesting touch.

* I simply couldn’t believe Obama was wearing a “Nuke the Moon” T-shirt. I can only assume Frank’s been lying about his age this whole time.

* By the way, has anyone ever seen Frank J. & Barack together in the same room?

* At the end, it’s revealed that Bell is just a figment of Barack’s imagination, and it was really Obama who set up the Harvard campus Fight Club.

* Oh… spoiler alert on that last one.
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What surprised YOU the most about it?

Not a better motto, because they already have the awesomest around, but a better slogan for their recruitment ads, because this is a bunch of PC crap:

“Marines move toward the sounds of tyranny, injustice, and despair.”

No, they move towards the sounds of guns, grenades, and artillery, and make them very, very quiet.

This trite, generic ad copy would be equally at home on an Occupy Wall Street sign, and makes it sound like the Marines’ main job it to change the diapers of squalling infants.

This picture needs help, so I’m providing it:

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* You… Yes you, the dictator in the funny hat… kiss your ass goodbye.

* Marines: like a snuggly warm blanket of apocalyptic horsemen

* “Look to my coming on the first light of the fifth day. At dawn look to the east.”

* Seriously, don’t piss us off.

* Opening up a can of Article I, Section 8, enumerated power 11

* Say your prayers, you flea-bitten varmint!

* Bazinga!

* Democracy. Whiskey. And sexy.

* “A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day.”

* Because we can beat you hopping on one leg

* We crossed your “Line of Death.” And we brought it with us.

* If you’re out of white flags, we’ll accept yellow. Just wave the front of your pants.

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Your turn. Step up in the comments, please…

“I give it away for free, but I need you to pay for it.”

First Sandra Fluke wanted Obamacare to pay for her contraception.

Then she added that Obamacare should pay for sexual reassignment surgery.

What will be next on her list of wacky pay-for-my-stuff demands?

I speculate thusly:

* Piercings

* Tramp stamps

* Segways

* Movie theater popcorn

* Beer pong balls

* The differential cost of super-sizing it

* Fries with that

* Apparently not a flattering haircut

* Scholarships to the Companion Guild Training House on Sihnon

* Vegan, fair-trade, organic, sustainable, cruelty-free Ramen noodles.

* Netflix

* Pepper-spray-proof protest goggles

* Gold teeth

* A date with Flo

* Drink umbrellas

* Bowling ball cleanings

* Extra foam

* That TruCoat that Jerry Lundegaard always recommends (you don’t get it, you get oxidation problems)

* Anything that begins with a lower case “i”

Of course, if it were MY list, I’d be demanding that my neighbor’s bratty kids be forced to shovel my driveway for me so I don’t suffer a heart attack trying to clear 3 tons of plow-slop out of the end of it – which technically makes it a health care issue.

With President Obama struggling – like all Americans – to pay the mortgage and put enough gas in the car to get to work (ok, he works from home a lot, but Mrs. Obama has HER job of stimulating the luxury ski resort industry, and the kids are old enough for paper routes now, and they can’t really pedal those when it rains because the papers will get wet), it’s not surprising that Barack hasn’t quite found the free time to come up with a new campaign slogan that’ll fit on a bumper sticker and make a good tagline for “Obama 2012.”

I feel compelled to help out, since it’s every American’s constitutional duty to assist the President in any way possible, and may actually be mandatory under Obamacare.

I’m not sure what the word-limit is for a bumper sticker, but I know a Chevy Volt is only a few inches wide (it’s like a 4-wheeled electric unicycle), so I’ll keep these short:

FOUR WORDS

* Border Plan: Welcome Mats

* Sorry that America _________

* Now with more golfing

* Your dog named BO

* Still not Muslim (wink)

* See? Flag lapel pin

* I wroted a tweat!

* Your girl’s comparatively thinner

* Closing Gitmo REAL soon

* The lolcat of presidents

THREE WORDS

* …or you’re racist

* She’s in Aspen

* No plumber questions

* Smooth when shirtless

* Occupy White House

* Fox ratings fuel

* Another iPod, Elizabeth?

* Stop throwing teabags!

* On your dime

* Outwit, Outplay, Outspend

TWO WORDS

* Not Romney

* Beer summit!

* Czartastically delicious!

* Solyndra who?

* Bad SCOTUS!

* PRESIDENT Nanny

* “uh… uh…”

* $35,800, please

* I’m buying!

* Occasionally Constitutional

As for the one-word Obama 2012 slogans, I’ll leave that as an exercise for the reader in the comments…

As Frank said, FEMA has started to use the term “federal family”.

Which I guess makes sense if your family is:

* Simpson

* O.J. Simpson

* Addams

* Munster

* Griffin

* Manson

* Hitler

* Jong Il

* Bates

* Frankenstein

* The Impaler (assuming Vlad was married)

* Whatever family ran that little chainsaw shop in Texas.

Any other “federal families” you can think of?

Inspired by this comment at Legal Insurrection.

Let’s not also forget that political violence is not merely tolerated on the left, but actually celebrated. No one on the right is going to show up at a Tea Party rally in an Eric Rudolph T-shirt. There are no right-wing collegians with posters of Tim McVeigh on their walls. But mass murderers like Che Guevara and Mao Tse-Tung and cop-killers like Mumia Abu Jamal are celebrated as heroes on the left; and their images adorn T-shirts, posters, and flags at most any progressive gathering.

Ok, so if the Tea Party were just the right-wing version of liberals, what T-shirts would you see at their rallies? I speculate thusly:

* Sirhan Sirhan

* Lee Harvey Oswald

* Brain tumor (Ted Kennedy)

* Dan White (killed openly-gay liberal politician Harvey Milk)

* The Rumsfeld Strangler

* Snow-covered pine tree (Michael Kennedy)

* Jeffrey Dahmer (he mostly killed & ate gays)

* Piper Saratoga (JFK Jr.)

* Dan Rostenkowski’s checkbook

and of course, lots of Monica berets and Blago wigs.

Anything else?

UPDATE: I forgot Mario Teran. Then again, he really DOES have a T-shirt.

People are starting to get a little fed up with the TSA. I guess the idea of them is to take naked pictures and molest anyone who tries to go on a plane so that terrorists will be far too uncomfortable to ever go through with a terror attack. Still, it’s not fun for non-terrorists who also don’t like being molested. Maybe we can come up with some better ideas for how to do airport security.

OTHER IDEAS FOR AIRPORT SECURITY

* Some sort of written test that evaluates how Muslimy you are and looks for dangerous levels of Muslimness (I wonder how Obama would do on that test).

* Terrorists don’t like pigs, so guess who is sitting in every other seat? Did you guess pigs? That is the correct guess.

* There is no reasons to go on a plane in Muslim garb other than to make Juan Williams nervous. Scrutinize those people carefully!

* Keep terrorists arch-nemesis on ever flight: ninjas. Or am I thinking of pirates?

* If someone on a flight asks which direction Mecca is, don’t tell him! He probably just wants to do his pre-exploding prayer!

* Actually screen for suspicious people — even if that can look like profiling — instead of all this useless, CYA nonsense like confiscating water bottles to attack whatever the last threat was.

What are your ideas for airport security?

Democrats suffered a huge loss, but President Obama is going to speak on TV at 1pm today, so that should solve everything. Here is my speculation on what he’ll possibly say:

WHAT PRESIDENT OBAMA WILL PROBABLY SAY

“I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling Tea Partiers!”

“STOP YELLING AT ME!!!”

“I thought I made it clear I had no idea what I was doing from the start, so I don’t get why you’re all so angry now.”

“Yay! I did another historic thing!”

“I missed what happened can someone help get this bucket off my head?”

“I’m sad to hear that Harry Reid will be leaving us… What? He was reelected? Really?”

“Is it because I’m black?”

“I’m not giving you Republicans the keys to the car! And the ditch is mine too!”

“So if I’m understanding the Tea Parties, you’re saying you want even more health care reform.”

“I will now read you a list of people who will be going under the bus…”

“Did I do that?”

“I’m doing a good job and just need to spend more! Don’t any of you read Paul Krugman?”

“I enjoy flying in a helicopter. Thup thup thup thup!”

“I blame this all on Slurpees.”