People are starting to get a little fed up with the TSA. I guess the idea of them is to take naked pictures and molest anyone who tries to go on a plane so that terrorists will be far too uncomfortable to ever go through with a terror attack. Still, it’s not fun for non-terrorists who also don’t like being molested. Maybe we can come up with some better ideas for how to do airport security.
OTHER IDEAS FOR AIRPORT SECURITY
* Some sort of written test that evaluates how Muslimy you are and looks for dangerous levels of Muslimness (I wonder how Obama would do on that test).
* Terrorists don’t like pigs, so guess who is sitting in every other seat? Did you guess pigs? That is the correct guess.
* There is no reasons to go on a plane in Muslim garb other than to make Juan Williams nervous. Scrutinize those people carefully!
* Keep terrorists arch-nemesis on ever flight: ninjas. Or am I thinking of pirates?
* If someone on a flight asks which direction Mecca is, don’t tell him! He probably just wants to do his pre-exploding prayer!
* Actually screen for suspicious people — even if that can look like profiling — instead of all this useless, CYA nonsense like confiscating water bottles to attack whatever the last threat was.
What are your ideas for airport security?
Muslim only flights with muslim pilots that we shoot out of the air if they veer 1 mile off course.
El Al has not had a successful hijacking since ’68.
No! No! Anything but! We can’t do it! We mustn’t do it! Oh please, oh please, oh please! I can’t think that way..we must put buckets over our heads…we must do anything, anything except learning from El Al’s security experience and techniques.
Exit thought (go down the ramp and stop at the light): Part of their technique : Don’t ‘eph with us.
Come on, Frank, the arch-nemesis of a terrorist is a United States Marine.
Each plane has a three man team. Two team members sit in the back of the plane with numerous taser guns. In the middle of the flight the third member runs to the front of the plane brandishing a plastic knife and screaming “Allah akbar!”
The two in the back then taze anyone who jumps up and joins in the yelling and fist pumping.
Then the flight attendents go through the rest of the passengers selling duct tape (overpriced but hey…they won’t let you bring your own) and instead of listening to pop music or watching a lame movie that’s had the bejeebers edited out of it you can pass the time trussing up the jihad wannabees and telling them that they’re gonna get punked in prison.
* Bomb-sniffing German Shepherds. Just let ’em smell you up.
upholster all of the seats in pigskin. require all boarding pass be made of bacon and eaten on boarding.
Concealed carry of firearms permitted with US passport (2nd Ammendment). Eliminate all other security checks. When they jump up with a box cutter, they learn the importance of not bringing a knife to a gun fight.
Open carry of guns permitted to every one wearing a Cowboy hat then play Cowboys and Muslims in mid flight!
Remove the body scanners, remove the metal detectors, deport the TSA workers back to Mexico. Then, one simple phrase: “Let’s Roll”.
It’s ninjas, Frank… Barbary/Samoli pirates = Muslim
everyone flys nude
Require everyone who flies to carry a small caliber handgun. No need to screen anymore. We could even make the handgun part be on the honor system.
You DO remember that Pelosi now has to fly commercial now don’t you?
Hey I am fat and old. if they want to feel me up, it the most excitement I have had in a while.
Check the registration, if they are a democrat, full cavity search. A registered independent, use a power scrubber.
Use a hippie as a screener. If you don’t punch the hippie, you are a terrorist and off to gitmo.
#10 is that smaller than .75 cal? I just want to carry my .44 cal Blackhawk.
We need to invent affordable small jet planes for the middle-class family. Then the airport becomes basically a parking lot, and you can take your own plane wherever you’re going. Sure, there’ll still be airliners, and you risk death by riding them, but how is that different from an LA or NYC city bus?
To board you have to eat bacon. Bans muslims and and a tasty treat !!
I like FomerHostage’s idea. hwuu has a good idea, too. I figure a .500 magnum would stop the bad guy and blow a hole big enough to send the bad guy out the cabin. A quick patch with duct tape on the cabin wall should repair it.
Don’t forget that there is a problem with firearms on airplanes in that aircraft are prone to decompression when pierced with a round. Therefore, a jacketed bullet in a low velocity round would work best. No exit wound: no problem.
Genghis Khen says: Muslim only flights with muslim pilots that we shoot out of the air if they veer 1 mile off course.
Muslim only flights with muslim pilots that we shoot out of the air.
There, fixed that for ya!
hwuu – I agree, the Archie Bunker Skyjacking Defense Plan is a winner. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68xSoecsoq0
I have wondered how difficult it is for a registered sex offender to get gainful employment. Now it appears that a profession has been created just for that demographic.
Hooray for our government…always solving problems. there it is! a Job Created(tm)
First thought is to have no restrictions, same as we do for trains, buses, elevators, and all other forms of mass transit. But I’ve known some pretty stupid gun carriers, and I’m not too thrilled about panicky gunfire in a compressed chamber at 35,000 ft. On the other hand, I’d choose rapid decompression over a 9/11 repeat, and I’ve always wanted to see how those oxygen mask thingys work, anyway.
I say let’s go back to the pre-security days. Does anyone think that an attempted hijacking is going to succeed any more? The only reason 9/11 worked was because the 1970s instruction to “let the hijacker have the plane and we’ll sort it all out later” was still in effect. Back in those days, the hijackers didn’t want to die; the suicide bomber hadn’t been invented yet. Those days are over.
My fellow passengers are a better, more effective asset than anything the security bozos can come up with.
Simple, as soon as everyone has boarded the plane and is in their upright most uncomfortable position, each stew. is issued a tazer and she simply goes down the aisle and tasers every person on the plane! This will keep the terrorists from pulling any fancy pants hi-jacking stunts and we will be 100% safe in the skies once again! Oh, and if someone starts to come to before the flight arrives at it’s destination…taser them again!
People, it’s only a jolt of electricity and it’s for your own good so sit down and shut up, thank you for your cooperation, the TSA!
2 suggestions for the TSA: To improve customer relations offer all people undergoing a pat down dinner and a movie(and in case they try to stay within budget I say we get at least get flowers) and we get to choose from an available lineup who gets to pat us down. Oh and for those of us who go through the scanner we should get a wallet size souvenir.
I say everyone gets locked in a bomb proof container. A container made of kosher bacon, so our Jewish friends can fly comfortably with the rest of us non blow ourselves up types. You vegans can take the train.
How about Muhammad International Air (MIA) a special airline just for Muslims. Muslim pilots Muslim stewardess even an obnoxious prayer singer person. No need for seats just put out prayer rugs. There will be no no invasive screening of any type and bombs are encouraged.
Follow Genghis Khen’s idea should they veer off course but with one small modification. Use tiny self destruct buttons which are operated by someone with fat fingers.
I like the “eat a plate of bacon” test. They can keep the scanners and body searches as long as they allow me the “eat a plate of bacon” option instead.
Profile. Armed pilots. Stewardess’ trained in martial arts. Scan all luggage and cargo. Stop frisking 2-year olds.
Oh, and bring back peanuts and complimentary beverages. It’ll stop the riots back in coach.
Just found this on another site, thought I’d share
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you
have a moral objection to liquor. You may be a Muslim
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000
rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes. You may be a Muslim
3. You have more wives than teeth. You may be a Muslim
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand,
but consider bacon unclean. You may be a Muslim
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t
declared Jihad against. You may be a Muslim
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives
in your clothing. You may be a Muslim
8. You were amazed to discover that cell
phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim
9. You have nothing against women and
think every man should own at least four. You may be a Muslim
10. Your cousin is president of the United
States. You may be a Muslim
11. You find this offensive or racist and don’t forward it.
You may be a Muslim
I also liked the idea I heard on the radio this morning:
Have a bunch of sketch pads printed up with the words “Draw Allah” at the top. Require those boarding airplanes to draw a stick figure underneath. If they refuse, they can’t fly.
I have to go with Drew Carey’s idea…..
“Welcome to our airlines. Do you believe in the afterlife?”
No.
“gate 3 to your left.”
Yes.
“Step behind this screen and take off your clothes for the strip search.”
People who don’t believe in an afterlife are not gonna let anything happen to this current life.
Well they can feel me up if they like; I can make a TSA agent super uncomfortable. As they pat me up, I’ll just start with breathing heavily, proceed to giggling, and maybe even pull a ‘When Harry Met Sally’ orgasm scene. A good time can be had by all.
Did you hear that Napolitano is considering letting Muslim women opt out of both scans and pat downs? I think she wins the “missing the whole point” award. Then again, she’s an incompetent boob. But hey, as long as they grope 3 year-olds and make them scream and cry, I feel safer.
Someone at this site a while ago had a good and simple idea: Keep a big, friendly, slobbery dog who likes to sniff crotches at each check-in site, tell everyone it’s a highly trained drug-sniffing dog.
It’d be no more intrusive than what they’re doing now, without the creepiness or crying children.
I’ve said this since 9/12/2001: Ask the Israelis what they do. Do the same thing.
Is veddy, veddy simple. All airlines conduct their own level of security, no government intrusion. The “invisible hand” of the marketplace will choose those who do well, and not grope crotches. Those airlines that have planes blown up will not stay in business for longer than a news cycle.
I think Fearless Reader is trying to do for the airline industry what he did for the automobile industry – bankrupt them by making people unwilling to buy their product, then save them by taking them over.
Good luck with the electric planes that have to land every 40 miles to re-charge!
People who don’t believe in an afterlife are not gonna let anything happen to this current life.
What if I answer “Yes, but I think it starts with 1000 years of jury duty?”