Cthulhu Third Party Candidacy at an End

Posted on August 18, 2012 7:30 pm

R’lyeh, South Pacific (NPN) – Potential presidential candidate Cthulhu has made it official: he has decided not to run as a third party “greater of evils” option in this year’s U.S. Presidential race.

The Dread god is sitting this one out.

“I just don’t see the point,” a somber Cthulhu said. “I mean, my platform has always been the total and utter destruction and subjugation of the human race, starting with the United States. But this year, there is already a candidate who can help accomplish these things.”

Cthulhu worries that running for president could jeopardize the Obama campaign by stealing votes from the misanthropic and nihilist segments of the Democrat base, which are sizable, but not enough to win an election on.

“The worst thing that can happen here, is that people select the lesser of evils, Mitt Romney. I just can’t be party to that, when I am such an outspoken proponent of the greater of evils in an election.” said Cthulhu, while eating one of our reporters. “Mmm nom nom, um, if Obama keeps up what he is doing, *burrrrrp*, then I could take the election in 2016, and the United States will be so broken by then, it will be child’s play to finish the work I intend to do.”

In other news, while it was speculated that General Zod would also enter the race again, very little has been heard out of his camp.┬áZod himself was unavailable for comment when asked about it, but a spokesperson did respond to NPN’s inquest.

“The General has not made a decision on whether he will run this year, or, more likely, simply take over the world.” said the Zod spokesperson. “Kneel before Zod.”

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6 Responses to “Cthulhu Third Party Candidacy at an End”

  1. CapitalistB says:

    Is it true that one glance from Obama can drive normal people insane?

  2. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    @Cap-B:

    Not to worry, Obammie travels with a staff of paralegals who stand ready to tend to your madness (or fainting) with inhalators and breathalyzers. Failing that, you will be borne to a care facility by squads of corpsemen.

  3. Les says:

    Yes, after 4 more years (shudder) I might even be tempted to slap on a Cthulhu/Zod 2016 bumper sticker. Biggest donors get eaten first.

  4. Mr. Right says:

    Welcome to IMAO… Have some bacon!

  5. Dohtimes says:

    Barbara Walters and Barney Frank give sighs of relief.

  6. Manolo says:

    Dang! Now I DO have to settle for a lesser of two evils…

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