Straight Line of the Day: If Chosen As Secretary of State, John Kerry…

Posted on December 17, 2012 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

If chosen as Secretary of State, John Kerry…

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50 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: If Chosen As Secretary of State, John Kerry…”

  1. Son of Bob says:

    …will make Hillary Clinton seem manlier.

  2. DamnCat says:

    …will finally get to spend Christmas in Cambodia.

  3. JeffAndinOhio says:

    might be mistaken for the French Minister of Foreign Affairs.

  4. Mxymaster says:

    …will surrender.

  5. Conservatarian says:

    …will still be a pompous clown.

  6. apostic says:

    …will have to quit doing his parttime job as manservant for the Addams Family.

  7. blarg says:

    … promises to wear more makeup and less pants than his predecessor

    … doesn’t really have much of an act to follow – if he just sits in a bar and drinks mai tais for the next 4 years he’ll still have done a better job than Hillary and will have the awards to prove it.

    … will have the best looking canckles of any Secretary of State Obama has ever appointed.

    … will be sworn in in his native tongue, French

    … will finally get a break from all that time tedious lawmaking and get to go some traveling on the paxpayer’s dime like he always wanted.

    … will take over as America’s chief apologists and bower.

  8. rodney dill says:

    will release his Form 180.

  9. rodney dill says:

    His state will change its name to Machusetts in his absense.

  10. rodney dill says:

    will still have people say to him, “Why the long face, John.”

  11. blarg says:

    Ugh…. Sometimes auto correct really sucks

    … will finally get a break from all that tedious lawmaking and get to fo some traveling on the paxpayer’s dime like he always wanted.

  12. rodney dill says:

    will be nicknamed Cash and Kerry by the Chinese.

  13. AwesometificAmerican says:

    toss the keys to his Senate office over the White House fence as a symbolic gesture and to see if he can get more distance than Vietnam medals.

  14. Dohtimes says:

    …will not have to feign a concussion to appear stupid and incoherent.

    …will prance softly and carry a big purse.

    …will open all speeches with his terms of surrendering to the host country because he most certainly can’t be late for his spa appointment later that day.

  15. rodney dill says:

    …will offer free condiments to Sandra Fluke.

  16. Tin Man says:

    Will throw the military over the White House fence and burn everyone’s selective service card in protest.

  17. rodney dill says:

    will be known as Secretary Cornball

  18. rodney dill says:

    will challenge Vladimir Putin to a thumb war.

  19. Iowa Jim says:

    . . . will dress every day as a sperm cell from Woody Allen’s “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex” movie.

  20. Matt Musson says:

    will provide for strategic reserves of Heinze catsup in embassies around the world.

  21. Greg says:

    He will be for the this country before he was against it.

  22. apostic says:

    …will “nuance” in public more frequently.

  23. James says:

    . . . will claim the swift boats rescued the guys at the Benghazi embassy.

  24. jw says:

    …will save money and insure the continuity of office by wearing hillary’s pantsuits

  25. Greg says:

    you know, 24jw, that is just SO FRIKKEN WRONG on so many levels.

    You got MY vote!!

  26. blarg says:

    …won’t have to rely on marrying rich widows for spending money anymore.

  27. Dohtimes says:

    …will expand his definition of flyover country by 8000 percent.

    …must first have image of Hillary removed from where it was seared, SEARED!!! into the eyes of tyrants the world over.

    …will confer with Gen. Petraeus about world’s hot-spots.

  28. artvol11 says:

    I was going to right one but then I read #24 and I felt shamed to even try and think of something funnier.

  29. plentyobailouts says:

    will actually make the pant suit look more ridiculous.

    will be mistaken for the butler.

    will get dukakis out of his tank.

    will still be an inept fool

  30. rodney dill says:

    …will wear a baby blue NASA clean suit as he carries out his duties

  31. rodney dill says:

    If Chosen As Secretary of State, John Kerry… will ensure that Hillary is really, really missed.

  32. rodney dill says:

    …will no longer have to push the legacy of Ted Kennedy, much as Sisyphus pushed his rock.

  33. hwy93 says:

    … Will windserf up the Patomac to accept the appointment
    … Will have to get a little walking around money from Tereeaaza to hold him over until his Bank of American Taxpayer card shows up in the mail.
    … will still be wondering where he can get “one of them huntin permits round here.”

  34. blarg says:

    …will prove once and for all that Charlie DOES surf.

  35. Dohtimes says:

    …will no longer have served in Vietnam, having sailed his boat into a madrasa for the duration of his service.

  36. DamnCat says:

    …will be admonished by the Chinese for disparaging Genghis Kahn.

    …will be admonished by the Genghis Kehn for not disparaging the Chinese.

  37. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …has heard that John Edwards is available to be Deputy Secretary of State.

  38. Joel says:

    Will finally be allowed to negotiate with foreign governments, including our enemies, legally. Unlike what he did in the 70’s.

  39. Writer says:

    …will work very hard at still not remembering where his original DD-214 is.

  40. RAML says:

    … will get out of someday being prosecuted, along with buddy jane fonda, for treason.

  41. zzyzx says:

    …will recommend to Obama that Jane Fonda be placed in nomination to be the new Sec/Def….Obama will agree.

  42. Kent says:

    … will dump the ketchup queen for Jane Fonda.

  43. JimmyRock says:

    won’t be Secretary of Defense. So at least there’s that.

  44. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …will request he be paid in oats.

  45. tanstaafl says:

    will make us all want to “find ourselves another country to be part of.”

    (pace phil ochs)

  46. rodney dill says:

    Indian Princess Elizabeth Warren will lose her ride.

  47. Dohtimes says:

    …it means Obama took the advice of picking someone who could work it like a government mule only on his appearance. And the braying noises when his feed bag is empty.

  48. rodney dill says:

    …will get ridden Gangnam style and put away wet.

  49. IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged! links:

    [...] Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “If chosen as Secretary of State, John Kerry…” [...]

  50. Beagle says:

    Will finally be eligible to get hims a huntin’ license.

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