Bush has been working on his first draft of his State of the Union address, and, since there is still about a week before he delivers it, I thought I’d give him my advice.
First thing’s first, remember, it’s not the content so much as the attitude. Don’t have that fruity “Hail to the Chief” song playing when you enter, instead have the “Imperial March.” Come in all stern-faced, and, to further show everyone you’re a badass, head butt the first person who tries to shake your hand. Think of what evil dictators will say when they see that. “Holy crap! He broke that guy’s nose for just trying to shake his hand. Think of what he’ll do to me, an evil dictator!”
Start off with a great applause line, such as raising your fist in the air and shouting, “Our enemies must suffer!”
But remember, it’s not enough that our enemies get blown apart into their component particles, but, at the same time we are bombing the crap out of them, they have to see us all eating caviar and cruising around in fancy cars. That’s why you should propose a huge tax cut to improve our economy.
“We should have a tax cut of epic proportions,” you should say, “And most should go to the best Americans – the rich. Some may say this is unfair.” You should then pause dramatically. “They will die!”
Democrats may not applaud everything that is said. Whenever they don’t seem to agree with a new proposed policy, point at them and scream, “Traitors!” This will make them uncomfortable with not applauding. One may voice protest at being labeled a traitor; if that happens, shout, “Rarrrr!” and charge at him while the VP and Speaker of the House try and hold you back. The Democrats should be pretty scared by then, and will probably clap politely at whatever you say.
Don’t let them off the hook, though. Single out those who are against war in Iraq. “There are some who sympathize with our enemies,” you should say angrily, “But mercy is for the weak! It is the same as being our enemies’ allies. Hang you gigantic head in shame, Ted Kennedy – if your neck is strong enough to support such a feat without snapping in twain.” (he’ll probably respond with “What neck?”, but it’s still a great line).
As for a finale, declarations of war will be great. Declare war on Iraq as people will expect, but also declare war on North Korea. Then pick a few other countries as a surprise (just throw darts at a map of the world; if you hit the U.S., try again).
Now say, “Some of our ‘allies’ will not support our plans of war, but I have one thing to say to them…” For this part, raise both fists in the air and scream as loud as possible, “DEATH!!!!” (you may need a voice coach to hit this just right)
This should be a huge applause line, even though it’s not the most coherent thing ever said. If the Democrats don’t give you a standing ovation, pull out a gun and shoot at their feet.
Finally, have fireworks go off indoors while you laugh insanely. Then, when the smoke fades, you should have mysteriously disappeared. If you do this right, all our enemies will be scared out of their wits, and the European leaders should wet their pants. Then no one will mess with the U.S.!
Man, you are on a roll. M
I think it would be better if he left with some sort of jet pack
I already did a jetpack escape somewhat recently.
That is the funniest thing I have read in a blog yet. All I can say is wow and keep up the great work.
Thanks for that one! Your blog just creeped up several spaces in my bookmarks! 🙂 Love it!
Bush should come out in a cybernetic suit of armor straight out of Marvel Comics. Like Iron Man… wait, Dr. Doom. Just keep saying “W” when he refers to himself like Doom does. And then when someone disagrees, the cybernetically altered Marine “W” Bots destroy them on site… all while the big ‘WAR’ picture from Starship Troopers shows in the background… and that the end, show a huge nuclear bomb blowing up and have a few little points with arrows that say “Iraq”, “N. Korea”, “Anyone else that BLEEPS with us”.
That my friend, may not be the best way to handle it, but who would screw with us then?
Great ideas, Frank…but don’t you worry that this is what everyone will be EXPECTING him to do?
My proposal would be that the President enter to one long, continuous BASSO PROFUNDO note — perhaps a small army of six or seven tuba players would keep this barely-audible thrumming sound going for a full hour.
Prior to the speech, we kidnap Robert Byrd, and replace him in the senate with a wax dummy. We can make the dummy look waxier if we really want to decieve people.
Okay, so the President takes the podium, the house falls silent, and there is nothing heard but the endless, low throbbing sound. Now Bush narrows his eyes to slits, and simply looks at each Democratic congressman for a full 30 seconds or so, before locking on to the next. No one says a word. This goes on for almost a hour. People are sweating, coughing nervously — no one knows what to do!
Finally, a tape-recording of Senator Bryd’s voice is heard from a concealed speaker under the chair: “Well now, Mr President, if you’re just going to STAND THERE —”
At that exact instant, Bush’s eyes go wide, lock on to the Byrd wax figure. The bass is instantly replaced by 700 violins going WEE-WEE-WEE! like in PSYCHO. A technician throws a switch and the hamburger-filled wax head explodes all over everyone — even the lenses on the network cameras are covered in blood and tissue.
Bush INSTANTLY locks eyes with Ted Kennedy. It’s a matter of seconds before either his heart or liver gives out and we’ll have smooth sailing from that point on.
I only propose this since, as a conservative, it will cost the taxpayer significantly less than the indoor fireworks and all the rest of that. Do you think we’re made of money, sir?
Best. Article. Ever.
At least the best I’ve read on a blog in a while.
Fark is beginning to suck ass, so this is a nice breath of fresh air.
Between IMAO and RWN I am a happy camper, albeit less productive worker.
Another side-splitter, Frank.
Hilarious! I can’t stop laughing..
I like your ideas, too, Bill. Great stuff.
F*** it! At the end of the speech he should just pull out a Colt 1911 in .45 ACP and blow Nancy Pelosi’s head clean off her shoulders, then say, “Alright, who’s next?”
Hmmm… Your state of the union address sounds a bit familliar; like some current world leader has used it already… where was that…
Oh wait, I remember!
Saddam!
🙂
Frank, a masterpiece and definite keyboard ruiner due to laughing spit-takes!
Dude, you are so going on my blogroll!
I had no idea you were so hilarious.
IF ONLY President Bush could do it just like this on Tuesday!
People that know say that President Bush likes to chew on his pinkie and imitate Dr. Evil, so maybe this wouldn’t be such a reach for him!
The day after I read this (and another news cycle gone by), I still love this scenario!
Bill, if you conservatives are so concerned about saving taxpayer money, all those billions spent in Afghanistan and Iraq are a funny way to cut costs!
No, you’re gay, Brian.