President Bush told reporters Tuesday that he is running short on patience with Iraq.
“It appears to be a re-run of a bad movie,” Bush said. “[Iraqi President Saddam Hussein] is delaying. He’s deceiving. He’s asking for time. He’s playing hide-and-seek with inspectors. One thing is for certain — he’s not disarming.”
“On the other hand, if he had woke up one day and couldn’t remember what he did with all his WMD’s, that would be like a re-run of a good movie, because that would be like Dude, Where’s My Car?” Bush then chuckled to himself. “‘Dude, where are my WMD’s?’ That crazy Saddam; what trouble is he going to get into next?”
The reporters just stared at him.
Bush then got angry. “You guys suck; I’m outta here.”
In a later press conference, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld responded to Bush’s comments. “I’m not sure what kind of movie Iraq is now,” he said, “but, as soon I get this war started, it’s going to become the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Generations from now they will still be trying to scrub all the blood off the walls in Baghdad.”
When asked whether there still might be any negotiations with Iraq to get them to disarm, Rumsfeld replied, “In my mind, the only thing still on the table is whether the spoon I personally gut Saddam with is dull or sharpened. If he thinks that there is anyway he can avoid a painful death at this point, then he is extremely high.”
“Don’t you ever feel ashamed about declaring war on innocent people just so you can get oil to make yourself richer?” asked a smelly hippy who had somehow broke into the press conference.
The reporters immediately jumped away from the hippy, hoping to avoid any resultant splash damage. Surprisingly, Rumsfeld hadn’t leapt on the dirty hippy to tear him limb from limb, but instead just stood behind the podium, glaring at the fool. Eventually, a low rumbling sound was heard, and the hippy started choking and then fell to the ground. The reporters didn’t seem too surprised by the incident; although none of them had before seen Rumsfeld kill someone just by looking at them, they always assumed he could do something like that.
“Any other questions?” Rumsfeld demanded.
“Is he going to explode?” asked a reporter looking at the hippy lying there in spasms.
“Eventually.” Rumsfeld then looked at his watch. “Laura Bush talked me into reading to school children, so someone film it for me.”
In a nearby kindergarten class, Rumsfeld read some excerpts from Jane’s Guide to Guns and then took questions from the children.
“My mom says guns are bad,” said little Suzy, age 5.
“Your mom is obviously a stupid whore,” Rumsfeld responded.
Some of the children then started crying, asking that the “mean man go away.”
“You children are weak!” Rumsfeld shouted in full rage, startling the children from their tears. “When I was your age, I had to help my village fight off roaming samurai with nothing but a pitch fork. And then I was in bed by six and never complained to my parents. I bet you children couldn’t even pierce bamboo armor! You disgust me!”
That night, most of the children had trouble sleeping, fearing that Rumsfeld was hiding under their beds. They took little solace from the fact that Rumsfeld hardly ever waits in the dark to strangle someone in their sleep sleeps, instead preferring more direct approaches to killing.
you have a gift, Frank.
you have a gift.
I hope one day Rumsfeld will mention in an interview that he reads this, he would feel all warm and fuzzy inside if he did.
Wow… he can make people die by looking at them. What will he do next?
Or was it one of those ‘scanners’ snipers?
Man, too bad it wasn’t Helen. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her ask a question at a Rummy press conference. Anyway, you’ve got DR down.
I’m still laughing about Bush in a mustache and Helen asking for her cat. M
Frank,
You’re giving me a hard time at work. I read your posts, break out in laughing fits accompanied by severe abdominal pain, leave to compose myself, come back, and start the process over.
This is a classic, Frank. “Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” I’m still laughing.
“Your mom is obviously a stupid whore”
Once again, great stuff. After spending the past two weeks visiting this website, I’ll never be able to watch a Rumsfeld press conference without images of him chastising some weak-kneed reporter.. this is great.
HILFREAKINARIOUS!
I don’t know if Rummy will feel warm and fuzzy, I just know that I do. I do have to make sure that I’m not eating or drinking while reading your faithful transcription of these events. Please continue, Frank…
Tomorrow’s History (with a capital H) teeters in the balance. The truth will out.
Well… SOME guns are bad. The French made this really shitty machine-gun in WWI, which they tried to palm off on the Americans, and the current Brit battle rifle has this irritating quirk of shedding its magazine for no good reason, and the M16 uses a cartridge best used on Iraqi prairie dogs.
Perhaps if little Suzy had said, “My Mom says SOME guns are bad,” and then quoted the French machine-gun, then Rummy would have given her a chocolate hand grenade instead of calling her mother a Bad Name.
I’m with Ryan – I am no longer capable of watching a Rummy press conference without thinking of “In My World.”
You are SO good at this!
ROFLMAO!
Oh, man. I’m still dizzy.
Great stuff.
Once again, I tried to read this aloud to my co-workers and they kept saying, “What? What?” when I would laugh so hard through the words that I mangled them.
Finally, again, I gave up. “Read it yourself,” and had to get up and let them see the monitor.
This event is a daily ritual in this office, now.
Thanks for the compliments. Rumsfeld will return next Wednesday.
I’m glad I’m not the only one “suffering” from the “In My World”-Syndrome. Every freaking time The Don appears in front of a microphone on TV I start thinking about your version, Frank, to the point where I actually half-expected him to pull a Luger at one time when he was scowling at a particularly ass-witted reporter. I don’t even remember the question now, I was laughing so hard, I just remember Rummy doing the classic “I can’t BELIEVE he just asked me that”, then myself thinking “he’s going for the gun now!”
No more eating and blogging for me…. too messy!
You know, if Rummy had clenched his hand when he was doing the choking thing, it would have been like Darth Vader; which is where this thing seems to be going.
Rummy is already a funny guy on his own, but your writings make it even more amusing.