“Dah!” Arnold Schwarzenegger yelled as he picked up his desk and snapped it in two.
“You have to calm down,” President Bush told him, “You have to expect these kind of attacks from evil people like Gray Davis.”
“Woman have boobies and I like to touch them!” Arnold shouted, “Why is that wrong?”
“Hey, I don’t make the laws,” Bush said defensively, but then thought for a moment. “Well, I do sign them.”
“And I no like Hitler!” Arnold said angrily, “Nazis are puny! I crush them! I am Ah-nuld!”
“We all know that; I wouldn’t worry about it.”
“By the way, thank you for coming to support me, President Bush person,” Arnold stated more calmly, “You are very wise.”
“Well thanks,” Bush answered, “but I actually came down here to visit Disneyland.” Bush’s hands shot up into the air. “Pirates of the Caribbean!”
On T.V. was Cruz Bustamante giving a press conference. “It is disturbing to me that Arnold gropes women while praising Hitler,” Bustamante told the press, trying to look serious and concerned.
“Dah!” Arnold screamed, crushing the T.V. with his fists. “I will kill that fat bald man! I will kill Davis too. They are puny! I will crush them! I am Ah-nuld!”
“Hey, the election is tomorrow,” Bush told Arnold, “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Rumsfeld: Wait until the polls close to go on a murderous rampage.”
“You are a smart politician,” Arnold said, “but I must go by what I know, and that is the solution to all problems is bloody vengeance!”
“I myself would never grope women,” Bustamante continued, “Why, even now, I make sure to get written permission before touching my wife. Also, I never praise Hitler on a daily basis.”
A large figure in a black leather jacket and wearing sunglasses appeared before the podium. “Are you Cruz Bustamante?” he asked in a low voice.
“Uh… yes.”
“You will be terminated!” Arnold shouted, grabbing Bustamante and lifting him into the air. “See brick wall over there? He your new friend. You go meet him up close and personal.” Arnold then threw Bustamante so hard that he became embedded into the brick wall.
“Arnold killed Cruz Bustamante!” shouted a reporter.
Arnold turned to stare into a camera. “You are next, Davis!”
“He’s after us!” Gray Davis’s aide exclaimed as he watched the T.V.
“Bah!” Davis yelled, “We will hit him with so many allegations that he will be paralyzed! No one can stop me from finishing my incompetent term as governor! No one!”
“But putting out allegations that he supports Hitler!” the aide exclaimed, “That’s so extreme it’s almost a self parody!”
“I say come up with even worse allegation!” Davis yelled, “Where are my loyal trolls from the Los Angeles Times?”
The slimy trolls emerged. “We are here to serve the Democratic Party, master.”
“Put out a story that an unnamed source witnessed Arnold having gay sex with Satan.”
“Certainly, master.”
“Wait, I have an even better one,” Davis said, “Allege that part of his bodybuilding routine was to make an energy shake by putting a puppy in a blender.”
“That’s so evil and ridiculous no one will believe it!” the aide shouted.
“Silence!” Davis screamed, “Flying monkeys take him away!”
“Noooooo!” the aide yelled as he was dragged off by the winged monkeys.
“We will go print your allegations, master,” the trolls said as they left the office.
Davis then laughed evilly to himself until he was interrupted by the voice of his security officer over the intercom. “We’re being assaulted by Arnold Schwarzenegger wielding a minigun!”
“That means a really small gun, right?” Davis asked.
The only response was the sound of automatic gunfire. Soon his door was kicked in and there stood Arnold. He tossed his minigun aside and said, “Instead of Gray Davis, you will now be known as `Black & Blue’ Davis!”
“Ha!” Davis answered, “Everyone always underestimates me, but I’ll show you!” Davis then charged Arnold and threw a punch at him. It landed with no effect.
“Dah!” Arnold shouted as he punched Davis, sending flying backwards and smashing it apart. “You are puny, Davis! I crush you! I am Ah-nuld!” He approached the wounded Davis. “You said you wanted a debate? Well now you will get to debate St. Peter on whether you are allowed through the pearly gates.”
Davis held up a remote control. “If I can’t be the incompetent governor of California, no one can! Muh ha ha ha!”
As Davis hit the button, Arnold jumped out of the window, plunging three stories as the governor’s mansion exploded behind him.
Bush, wearing a Goofy hat, quickly ran over to help Arnold off the ground. “So is Davis really gone for good?” Bush asked.
Arnold looked to the rubble of the governor’s mansion. “We will know for certain soon. I am Ah-nuld!”
TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW AT A CALIFORNIA POLLING PLACE NEAR YOU!
I’m assuming from the explosion that Davis initiated something that was not supposed to explode. Given his typical level of incompetence it would be hard to imagine him intentionally setting off a bomb correctly.
I concur…Davis couyldn’t have meant to set off the explosion, it was definetly an accident on his part.
Heh, I concur with the first two statements, it was clearly accidental. I was kind of expecting an Arianna Huffington appearance, but, that’s life.
Maybe it wasn’t an accident, but a coincidence. Maybe Cruz didn’t really die in the wall, but set up the explosion, hoping to kill both Arnold and Gray.
Ooooh, the possibilities! This is just like Dallas!
Actually, Davis probably set off Arianna – that would account for his lack of competence and the explosion.
What! No TOO-MAH!
Well here you go.
“Gray Davis is a TOO-MAH. He is PUNY! I will CRUSH him! I AM AH-NULD!”
Thanks for telling us the real story, Frank. You are doing a great job in your service to humanity. Keep up the good work 🙂
(P.S. I hope Bush wears more goofy hats in the future. That is some awesome imagery! Also Frank, could you think about maybe slipping in Walker, Texas Ranger, alongside Bush someday? I’d like to see Chuck Norris show up in some story. Maybe he could try to kick somebody in the head, and then his jeans would rip at the crotch because he forgot to wear his stretchy-kick jeans. Hilarity would then ensue.)
My theory is that Arianna was actually one of the winged monkeys who dragged the aid away. During the recall debates, she had her wings carefully folded underneath her clothes.
So the logical conclusion would be that Arianna Huffington is actually a Terminatrix-Monkey from the future, sent on a mission to destroy Arnold. She must have flown away and escaped from Davis’ fortress just as it was exploding.
Since all this stuff has surfaced about Arnold, it makes me wonder exactly what he meant when he said he had a part for Arianna in Terminator 4. I think the logical conclusion would be this:
Terminator
Terminator 2: Judgement Day
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
Terminator 4: A Love Story
“In a slightly different twist on the usual ‘Terminator’ movies, Schwarzenegger plays a robot from the future filled with angst over the loss of his forbidden love, the TT-100, played by Arianna Huffington. Often humorous, at turns erotic, the story unfolds as it begins with a single tear flowing down Arnold’s cheek as he explains, ‘Once I loved…’ Arianna’s heavily caked makeup and post-middle-age shapelessness only adds to this heartwrenching drama as we watch how the love of a machine is won and lost, and bear witness to the frailty of the human condition.” (4-1/2 STARS)
Dude this is really funny. Ah-nuld! Thats good work. Really funny.
All your Governors are belong to us.
“Woman have boobies and I like to touch them!” Arnold shouted, “Why is that wrong?”
“That means a really small gun, right?” Davis asked.
Great lines! I will have to remember them. I am AH-NULD.
Blogopoly
MICKEY KAUS has about 48-72 hours left on the California Recall Election topic, which he completely Blogopolized ™. Mickey OWNED this topic – wonder what he’ll pick up next? I know that God and Bejus and probably the Holy Spook…
Great work, Frank!
I love these unnecessarily over-the-top destructive In My World’s!
“I myself would never grope women,” Bustamante continued, “Why, even now, I make sure to get written permission before touching my wife. Also, I never praise Hitler on a daily basis.”
Snap
“I will break you over my knee like a little TWIG. Snap goes your backbone no flexibility. I am Ah-Nuld.”
The running Ah-Nuld dialogue in my head was great, especially with the added I am Ah-Nuld’s.
Bravo, the_brick
Like Dallas? naw, much more like Melrose Place.
“Although I’ve never been groped by Arnold, I’m sure tired of getting screwed by Davis.”
-Angry Californian
Wait a minute…Glenn Reynolds is Arnold Schwarzenegger?
(Am I the only one who caught that joke?)
Many of you seem to be confused by the scene in which Grey Davis appears to have suceeded in competently blowing up the California Governor’s Mansion. This seems to contradict the observed fact that Grey Davis cannot competently do anything save fling mud. However, once you know that California HAS NO GOVERNOR’S MANSION, you will realize that Grey Davis simply blew up his own house.
We shoud kill all gropers.
Around the Bar…
As usual, Frank J has upped the ante for all humor bloggers. This time he has TWO posts on Aunold. Smear Tactics Gone Wild lists the Top 10 smears against Arnold. In My World: Total Recall 2. This Time It’s…
Around the Bar…
As usual, Frank J has upped the ante for all humor bloggers. This time he has TWO posts on Aunold. Smear Tactics Gone Wild lists the Top 10 smears against Arnold. In My World: Total Recall 2. This Time It’s…