It seems that the terrorists are always complaining about the “Crusaders” and meaning us, the Americans. Now, I don’t know much about the Crusades other than that it involved Kevin Costner and Morgan Freeman, but I did some research (i.e., used Google), and apparently the Muslims actually won the Crusades – or, in the least, the Americans did not win it. I’m not sure how that happened, but apparently pansy-ass Europeans led the fight which is certainly a recipe for failure. Again, I don’t know why that was; maybe the Crusades happened during the Carter administration. Anyway, my point is that this is confusing to me, because you’d think the terrorists, instead of constantly whining about “crusaders,” would be like, “Hey, infidels, remember when we made you our bitch in the Crusades?”
Now, I don’t remember much about the Crusades, as it was obviously before my time, but I think our honor is at stake. Thus, we should demand a rematch with those terrorist bastards – and this time America will lead the charge as should have happened before. So, we’ll march through the Middle East converting everyone we encounter to Christianity or killing them. Every American should be allowed to join in, even if you’re Jewish or atheist, but you still have to forcefully convert the heathens to Christianity or have them meet your sword (well, M-16). When I forcefully convert people, I love the line, “Worship Jesus, bringer of love and peace to this world, or I’ll gut you and your family!” because it has that nice bit of irony to it.
Of course, the main goal is to get to the holy land and, just like with the moon, plant our flag there and declare it the property of America and America alone. Of course, there are some tough Jews near there, but I’m sure they’ll rent the area to us at reasonable prices. Along the way to the holy land, we should make a stop at Mecca where it is believe the terrorist mastermind Allah is hiding out. He’s always the one cited as instigating terrorist acts though never carrying them out himself. If I know people like Allah, he’s really a coward and will surrender without a shot. Then, we can make him sign a document declaring that “Jesus is superfly!” which will really disenchant Allah’s followers. It is also important we capture his second in command, Mohammed (a.k.a. “The Prophet”). This will be hard since all images of him have his face covered and half the people in the Middle East are named Mohammed for some reason, but it’s important to get done.
Now, once we have planted our flag in the holy land and captured Allah and Mohammed along the way while leaving a wake of blood and new Christians, we can say, “Yeah, now who’s won the Crusades, bitch!” And all the leftover terrorists will sulk off, because the holy land will let us easily kill them with laser beams from our eyes (I think; I’ll have to look again for that verse in the Bible). If any complain, hey, they were the ones who kept bringing it up and rubbing salt in our wounds. But now America will have regained its honor by successfully completely the Crusades unlike the previous attempt. I’m not sure what the next step would be, but I hope it involves loud music and beer.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Complete Works of Shakespeare – Now with Aerodynamic Holes to Make it Easier to Beat Your Kids With” and “The Five Monkeys You’ll Meet in Hell”.
Great idea, except we can’t call them the crusades, as that may offend them while we are killing them. I suggest the Kill the Sand Hippies Tour.
OR the Frank J is pissed and he is taking no names tour.
Danjo
what an accurate description of their chain of command
Jesus is one bad mothah and nobody understands him but his woman…Oh wait that’s Shaft.
Never mind.
Wasn’t America not even around yet, and on the other side of the world, when the crusades happened?
Guttrhead, you are mistaken.
The Crusades happened during the Clancy administration, when the U.S. was inexplicably located on the Mediterranean island-realm of Cyprus. (Not to be confused with the Bedford administration, when we razed and sank the island-realm of Atlantis.)
I miss the Clancy administration. That Russian guy with the Scottish accent who ran the Department of Offense was the best orator we’ve had in years.
Who could forget his “One Ping Only” monologue during the great Chinese immigration debates?
I fought in the Crusades. America was there, but I had to enlist in the French Foreign Legion, because Clancy wanted to stay out of it. Cary Grant and Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. were there, too. Then, we were all on an airplane and I was in my underwear ….
Wait. That was a dream. Nevermind.
This reminds me of the famous Ann Coulter column after 9-11 which got her canned from National Review. Only she wasn’t kidding around. This might actually be the official strategy, only under a free market structure as befits conservatives (i.e. Middle Easterners can choose Christianity of free will once they have freedom of worship) rather than Frank’s tyrannical scheme. 🙂 Hey, Frank, your plan has been done before with great success. Only Charlemagne, the equivalent of the American military machine in those days, was the one forcefully converting the conquered Saxons to Christianity. The Saxons settled down and stopped killing the Christians after that.
“Who could forget his “One Ping Only” monologue during the great Chinese immigration debates?” … Okay, that one pushed me over the edge. Points to Andy.
Maybe we should get Batman to lead us.
He’s the Caped Crusader!
By any chance, do they call Mohammed the ‘Jacketed Jihadist’?
I’m already at the loud music and beer part. Christians already know who wins.
Way to go, Frank! You’ve managed to offend all three Abrahamic religions at once! Your like a walking, talking NEA sponsored art exhibit.
“The Five Monkeys You’ll Meet in Hell”
You’re back in fine form Frank! 😀
Did you sneak into the Bush Iraq military policy meetings again? I think that’s espionage.
My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to The CREW slaves!!
I’m with you on this one. Go ahead! Mecca my day!
Alternatively, we could kill everyone named Mohammed, just to make sure he doesn’t lead an uprising…
I posted a link on my site and got the following in the comments section:
Yeah, but Clancy’s economic policies were horrendous. I needed a permit just to go door-to-door selling Girl Scout Cookies.
I still have sixty-seven unsold boxes of Samoas in the freezer. Damn government regulations.
The Crusades actually ended during the Carter administration with the disastrous 17th Crusade in 1978. The whole crusade lasted only one day, and ended when Arch-Duke Hernandez was arrested in Tel Aviv Airport after his broadsword set off a metal detector.
Very funny! But it was cute idiotic humor. If anyone actually takes this crap seriously, that would make them a serious idiot (the worst kind). This kind of idiocy worries me.