It seems that the terrorists are always complaining about the “Crusaders” and meaning us, the Americans. Now, I don’t know much about the Crusades other than that it involved Kevin Costner and Morgan Freeman, but I did some research (i.e., used Google), and apparently the Muslims actually won the Crusades – or, in the least, the Americans did not win it. I’m not sure how that happened, but apparently pansy-ass Europeans led the fight which is certainly a recipe for failure. Again, I don’t know why that was; maybe the Crusades happened during the Carter administration. Anyway, my point is that this is confusing to me, because you’d think the terrorists, instead of constantly whining about “crusaders,” would be like, “Hey, infidels, remember when we made you our bitch in the Crusades?”

 Now, I don’t remember much about the Crusades, as it was obviously before my time, but I think our honor is at stake. Thus, we should demand a rematch with those terrorist bastards – and this time America will lead the charge as should have happened before. So, we’ll march through the Middle East converting everyone we encounter to Christianity or killing them. Every American should be allowed to join in, even if you’re Jewish or atheist, but you still have to forcefully convert the heathens to Christianity or have them meet your sword (well, M-16). When I forcefully convert people, I love the line, “Worship Jesus, bringer of love and peace to this world, or I’ll gut you and your family!” because it has that nice bit of irony to it.

 Of course, the main goal is to get to the holy land and, just like with the moon, plant our flag there and declare it the property of America and America alone. Of course, there are some tough Jews near there, but I’m sure they’ll rent the area to us at reasonable prices. Along the way to the holy land, we should make a stop at Mecca where it is believe the terrorist mastermind Allah is hiding out. He’s always the one cited as instigating terrorist acts though never carrying them out himself. If I know people like Allah, he’s really a coward and will surrender without a shot. Then, we can make him sign a document declaring that “Jesus is superfly!” which will really disenchant Allah’s followers. It is also important we capture his second in command, Mohammed (a.k.a. “The Prophet”). This will be hard since all images of him have his face covered and half the people in the Middle East are named Mohammed for some reason, but it’s important to get done.

 Now, once we have planted our flag in the holy land and captured Allah and Mohammed along the way while leaving a wake of blood and new Christians, we can say, “Yeah, now who’s won the Crusades, bitch!” And all the leftover terrorists will sulk off, because the holy land will let us easily kill them with laser beams from our eyes (I think; I’ll have to look again for that verse in the Bible). If any complain, hey, they were the ones who kept bringing it up and rubbing salt in our wounds. But now America will have regained its honor by successfully completely the Crusades unlike the previous attempt. I’m not sure what the next step would be, but I hope it involves loud music and beer.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Complete Works of Shakespeare – Now with Aerodynamic Holes to Make it Easier to Beat Your Kids With” and “The Five Monkeys You’ll Meet in Hell”.